Safe Harbour
by prudence dear
Summary: A/U after mid season 2 post "Kobol". They'd given Kara up for dead when she disappeared during a Cylon attack but someone else found her. How has the crew dealt with losing Starbuck? What did they do to her while she was held captive? Can Lee get her back
1. Chapter 1

Safe Harbour

_A/N: This story takes place just after "Flight of the Phoenix" but goes AU from there. Just to be clear, I'm pretty much following the plot of the series through Starbuck's return from Caprica, the events on Kobol and the building of the blackbird fighter. At that point, my story splits off and the narrative starts a few months down this alternate path. I have taken some liberty with events that take place before the show starts because I started this fic before I'd seen the episodes in which those elements were discussed or explained._

_This story will contain relatively graphic violence and the suggestion and discussion of rape and torture. I don't know how graphic this stuff will get in the future chapters so if this is not your thing, please find something else to read.  
_

_This is my first Fanfic ever so pretty pretty please send me some feedback! I have tough skin and am not afraid of criticism so please let me know what you think!! I have more chapters written and will post them soon but please encourage me with comments - even criticism will make me want to write more so I can do better next time. Ok, enough begging, just take a moment to drop me a line and give me either the thumbs up or thumbs down, ok? (I haven't seen season 4 yet so please don't send me anything with spoilers in it ;)_

_I'd like to thank Phindle for betaing this piece for me. I've learned a tonne from her and am very appreciative of her patience and nitpicking ways!_

_I do not own the rights to any of these characters, terms or concepts. They have been borrowed from the creators of BSG with the best intentions and I hope they don't mind too much.  
_

**Chapter One**

Lee Adama ran down the metal corridor, his feet pounding a steady rhythm as he turned aimlessly with no desire other than to run. An hour into his run and he had built up a decent sweat but still could not shake the dream that had pulled him from sleep. The one which crept up on him and, upon waking, always broke his heart. It had been over a month and still he woke thinking that he'd see her tousled blonde head in the rack across from his. It seemed that in all that time he'd had only two kinds of dreams; repeating night after night, they'd alternated, torturing him as he was forced to relive the two memories in excruciating detail over and over again.

--

'_I want you.' Her voice snarled in his ear, his body pressed against hers as he'd pinned her to the wall in the bunkroom. _

Full of the heat and need that statement had loosed in him, that dream was one of pleasure, sweat, skin and her. He'd wake with the taste of her on his lips, the feel of her under his fingers and the sweet knowledge that they'd finally taken that leap beyond friendship. A leap they'd both circled and carefully avoided for years. He'd lie in his bed relishing the memory that dream was based on before wanting more; wanting to see her even if he couldn't go to her across the crowded pilots' bunkroom. Anticipating her familiar sprawl on the opposite rack, her messy hair peeking out as she lay with her head buried under the covers and one leg somehow always managing to sneak out to hang over the side of the raised bunk, he would feel a warmth spreading in his chest. Thoughts of finding a way to get her alone again always flitted across his mind as he turned towards her bunk before the sight of the empty rack with the neatly folded mattress pad slammed into his gut. That bunk where they had lain together, moved together, now so cold and empty. The reality of their last mission together propelled him into his sweats and out the door, looking for a release in his run.

--

'_Kara, I mean it, be careful!' His teasing had been undercut with an edge of concern. He'd admonished her for being reckless while admiring her guts and finesse with the Blackbird. One minute she was there, grinning broadly at him from her inverted cockpit hanging only a few feet over the crippled Cylon raider, the last in the group they'd just wiped out, and the next she was gone. Just gone. He stared into the empty space where the two ships had just been, calling her name out over the wireless and waiting for her to pop up beside him in the stealth fighter and laugh about the panic that was building in his voice. Time stretched out and he'd sat there calling for her over and over, staring into the black emptiness, knowing that the longer she was gone, the less likely he was to ever see her again._

This dream would tear him from sleep and have him starting up in his rack, drenched in sweat, her name on his lips. Each time, he'd look to her rack, knowing even as he did that it would be empty. This time, it wasn't Kara running off on some frakked up mission for the president on her own terms. This time she'd just vanished along with the Cylon raider and they had no idea what had happened to her. It had been over two months and her rack was still empty; somehow the new recruits had known that it was off limits. He was glad no one had taken over her spot, that no one had moved into the space they'd shared, but the sight of it took his breath away every time; the finality of the neatly folded mattress pad sending a stab of pain through him. These dreams pushed him up and out too, running until his body gave up and the numbness took over.

--

Hearing the familiar pounding footsteps, Petty Officer Dualla and Specialist Cally stepped to one side of the corridor. Lee pounded past them, his arms and legs pumping in a steady rhythm, his body the image of control.

"Another run. I heard him leave his quarters over an hour ago." Cally said, quietly "He always slams the hatch so loud, it echoes all the way down the causeway."

Dee nodded, "He's not on duty until 0900 so after this he'll probably hit the gym for another hour or so."

Cally shook her head sadly, "Do you think it's because of Starbuck?"

"He doesn't talk to anyone about it, as far as I know, but yeah," Dee sighed with a little more regret than she would have liked, watching the running figure disappear around a corner, "it's about Starbuck." _It's always been about Starbuck_, she finished silently, with regret but without bitterness.

--

_Move, keep moving, move faster_. Lee chanted in his head as he rounded a corned and leapt down a short flight of stairs. The dream still clinging to him, he pushed himself harder, exorcising the memory of her as he pounded the metal walkway with each step_. Don't think of Kara, think about today's equipment run to Cloud Nine. Half a day's leave. Spending an hour just sitting in the simulated sun - in the garden where Kara doused you with the hose – Gods, no! No, no. Sitting alone in the garden, feeling the warmth of the sunlight - the warmth of her body, her breath, the sound as it caught in her throat as your hands - No! Flying Dad's old viper, list the differences you must take into account when flying the older model,_ he tried to force his mind onto a safe subject.

'_Oh Lee'-her voice rasped deep in her throat as her hands gripped his back, 'Lee, oh Lee, Lee Adama, Captain Adama. Captain Adama.' _

Lee shook his head and realized he was hearing his name over the ship's loudspeaker.

"Captain Adama to CIC immediately. Repeat, Captain Adama to the CIC ASAP."

"Frak." Lee turned and headed off down another corridor, wishing he'd at least had time to shower before starting what would probably be a very long shift.

--

"Lords boy, you look like hell." Colonel Tigh greeted Lee as he entered the relatively quiet command centre clad in only his tanks and sweats.

"Really? You look a fresh as a daisy Colonel." He retorted, forcing a good-natured tone and smirking as the obviously exhausted and probably not quite sober older man snorted in response.

"Zarek is on long-range wireless and is demanding to speak to either you or the Commander via video comm."

The mention of his father sent a flash of guilt through Lee. Lee had known something was wrong with his father for a few weeks but had chalked it up to the loss of Kara or even the general stress of their situation but he'd been too wrapped up in his own grief to really worry about the old man. When the fleet had had to move on after a few days without any sign of her returning, Lee had felt his world collapse and he knew that in having to make that decision, to protect the fleet regardless of the personal cost, his father was probably feeling even worse. The look on the Commander's face when he'd told his son they were moving on showed how much it hurt the older man to make the decision and Lee had assumed that losing yet another one of his children was what was making his father look so pale and worn out.

Finally, about a week ago, the Commander had collapsed in CIC and been taken to the Sickbay. The doctor had explained to Lee that while the initial injuries from the shooting had healed, the scar tissue that had formed as a result of the trauma was causing blockages in one of his father's major arteries. The surgery had gone well and the doctor said that the old man would make a full recovery but that he would need time to heal. The Commander had been laid up in the Sickbay recuperating slowly ever since.

Lee had avoided visiting his father as much as he could, just as he'd avoided spending any time alone with the old man ever since Starbuck had disappeared. He knew he was hurting his dad but he just couldn't face the sympathy and anguish over their shared loss that despite his best efforts, his father couldn't hide from him. Every time the commander looked at him with that mixture of pain and sympathy, Lee had felt as if his chest was caving in and he would make an excuse and beat it out of the room before he broke down. Lee had to keep going, he had a responsibility to his pilots and his fleet and breaking down in grief would keep him from doing his job.

Just before they made the jump away from where Starbuck had vanished Lee had found his way to the observation room and stood staring out into the empty sky, the last place he'd seen her. He'd stood there knowing that if they left, the chance of her finding them again, even if by some miracle she was still alive, was minuscule. The pilot in him knew she would have run out of fuel and oxygen hours before they jumped but still he looked, the man in him hoping against hope she would leap back into his life before it was too late. She didn't. They left. She was gone and the pain of it tore at him every day.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts and cramming the emotions back into the tightly sealed box in the pit of his stomach, Lee turned to the Colonel, "Why does he want to talk to me? Doesn't he know you're the acting C.O.?"

"Oh, he knows." Tigh growled, avoiding looking at Lee's face by studiously watching the icons that represented the civilian ships moving around the battlestar on the DRADIS monitor. "I told him that I'm in charge but he just keeps asking to speak to you or the Commander." The older man shifted his gaze without turning his head to stare intently at Lee out of the sides of his eyes "Said he has something important you'll be interested in."

--

--

Sooooo, what do you think? Is it total crap? Should I post more chapters? Anything I could be doing better? I know it's a slow start but I promise it will pick up after this and get more angsty.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks to all of you who sent me reviews and encouragement! I hope you all like this chapter!_

_I didn't say it the first time but I do not own any of these characters or anything else related to the BSG World except for the somewhat twisted plot line, which I take full responsibility for. The only thing of any value that I own is my education and, frankly, the value of that is debatable ;p_

**Chapter Two**

Lee snorted, "What could Tom Zarek have that I'd be interested in? The only thing I can think of is the complete and total surrender of the Astral Queen and I highly doubt that's what he's offering."

Tigh grinned back, relishing the chance to mock the former Quorum member, "I'd say there's about as much chance of that happening as the Cylons calling us up and inviting us over for a nice cup of tea."

Lee returned the grin. Working under Tigh hadn't been quite as bad as he'd expected. At least the crotchety Colonel had kept his distance and respected Lee's desire to throw himself into his work without talking about Kara.

His mind turning to the issue at hand, Lee was confused by this sudden contact with Zarek. While the president and his father had been able to reconcile their differences around the pursuit of the map to Earth and the return to Kobol, Zarek had maintained his control over the Astral Queen and refused diplomatic discussion with either the military or the civilian government. Following their subsequent failed attempt at a coup, the government had given the men on the Queen a choice: to remain with the fleet held once again as prisoners or to leave the fleet in what amounted to banishment.

Lee had disagreed with the president's decision to spare the lives of the men on the Astral Queen. After they had threatened the entire fleet with a nuclear device they'd managed to piece together with parts stolen from the Galactica, he thought they deserved nothing more than a long walk out a short airlock, but Roslin had convinced the Quorum that too many human lives had already been taken in violence. Zarek and his men had chosen banishment and had not been seen or heard from since. Until now.

"What do you want me to do, Sir?" Lee asked the Colonel.

"I guess we might as well talk to him and see what he wants." The Colonel shrugged, "Not that we're going to give him anything."

Lee nodded before turning to the young woman now watching him from her post at the comm. station, "Put him through on the monitor, Dee."

"Zarek, this is Captain Adama," Lee said formally, as the image of the other man appeared in the large monitor overlooking the CIC, "nothing has changed in regards to your status with the fleet, we will have no dealings with your ship. You were warned of the consequences of your choice and I cannot now go against the ruling of the Quorum"

"Lee! And how are things on the great and wonderful Galactica?" Tom Zarek's voice crackled out of the overhead speakers as his smiling face beamed across the screen. "How's your father? I heard he was feeling under the weather."

"What do you want Zarek?" Lee snapped out, glaring at the screen.

"Now, now little Lee, didn't your Daddy teach you any manners at all? Can't old friends catch up before heading straight into business?"

The taunting tone make Lee's jaw clench. Zarek was too happy. It sounded like he actually did have something he thought the fleet might want. Lee knew Zarek well enough to know that he would be hard pressed to come out ahead of the terrorist if he did want to strike a deal. He waited for the other man to continue. The normally bustling CIC was still, waiting to hear what the man who had threatened to blow up the entire fleet had to offer, "Fine, I guess we'll go straight to business then? We, the 'Free Colony', are running out of supplies and would like to strike a deal with _your_ fleet."

"No deal, Zarek. We warned you that going out on your own meant you wouldn't get anything from us." Lee responded crisply.

"Oh Lee, don't be so harsh, I'm sure we can strike a deal over _something_. For old time's sake?"

Lee knew he was in trouble. Zarek was too confident. He was being toyed with and he didn't like it. Watching Zarek's face and listening to the playful tone of his voice, Lee felt like something was off but he couldn't put his finger on what it was.

Trying to buy some time to think about what Zarek could possibly have Lee asked, "Why not speak to the President or the Quorum? You know I can't overturn their ruling." He looked at Dee and then at the designated comm. unit at her station that linked the battlestar directly with the president's ship, hoping she'd understand. He nodded just slightly as she picked up the receiver and spoke quietly into the handset.

"Well, now, Captain, I don't think either the lovely President Roslin or the illustrious Quorum of Twelve will be nearly as interested in my, shall we say, 'wares' as you will be."

"Why not?"

"Let's just say I found something you've been missing for a little while." The video feed changed to show a small windowless room with a figure curled up in the corner. Huddled on the floor with its arms wrapped tightly around its knees, the figure was clad in what appeared to be a torn and dirty fleet-issued flight suit.

Recognising the insignia and the matted blonde hair, Lee's heart caught in his chest.

_No, it couldn't be. She's gone. She's dead and I've accepted that._ His mind raced even as hope swelled in his chest. He stood frozen, struggling to contain a flurry of emotions: sadness over her dejected posture, fear for what she might have been through, rage that was Zarek using her and finally relief just to see her again. _Gods, it's good to see her again_. Murmurs flew around the room as the crew recognised the outfit.

"What the frak?" Tigh exclaimed, looking to Lee for some sense of what to do. He watched Lee's face tighten, his eyes squinting slightly, just like the old man's whenever he was faced with something he wasn't prepared for.

"Can you see our lovely visitor Captain? You can see her but she cannot hear or see you,." Zarek's voice spoke over the image of the figure. Lee's eyes did not leave the screen. He felt the walls he'd so resolutely built around his emotions start to tremble. _Kara. Oh gods, Kara._ His heart hammered in his chest as he took a deep breath. His arms ached for her and he struggled to turn his mind away from how it had felt to hold her close to him, wrapped safely in his arms. _Easy, Lee. Focus on Zarek, he's the one you need to be thinking about._

"Starbuck?" Tigh asked of no one in particular. As if she had heard him the figure lifted her head, the matted hair falling away from her face revealing a battered and gaunt shadow of the face Lee saw in his dreams.

"Kara," Lee groaned quietly. The pain in his voice echoed the sadness in his eyes. Sadness which quickly turned to anger when he saw the dried blood on her face and the ugly swollen bruise that half closed one of her expressive green eyes. Eyes that had sent his heart pounding time after time: shooting sparks as they picked fights with each other, filled with tears at his brother's funeral or simply gazing at him with that open expression that made him want to pour out his heart to her. Her moods flashed so quickly across those eyes; he could read her thoughts in a heartbeat just watching them. Now they sent a shudder of anguish through him as he saw pain, fear and, for the first time in all the years he'd known her, a hint of defeat. _Kara, dear gods. Please Kara, don't give up. _She started coughing a deep rasping cough that shook her entire body as she clung to her side, in obvious pain.

The metal hatch that opened into the room on screen suddenly opened with a loud clang. Starbuck jumped visibly, pushing herself deeper into the corner of the room, trying to suppress her cough. Zarek and a few of his men strode into the room. Turning towards the camera Zarek smiled, "I'm thinking that you're now much more willing to negotiate Captain. Am I right? Speak freely, she can hear you."

Keeping her head down, Kara snuck a look towards the camera and her glance felt like it met his own. Lee saw a brief flash of pain and fear and felt his chest constrict. His hands curled into fists at his side, he willed his voice to sound calm and even, "I do not have the authority to negotiate with you, Zarek. You of all people should know that."

At the sound of his voice, Starbuck struggled to her feet. In obvious pain and favouring her right leg, she stood braced against the wall,

"Lee! Lee! Don't give him it, don't give these frakkers anything! Nuke the ship if you have to but don't you dare give them anyth-" Her rasping shouts were cut short as Zarek shot across the room and knocked her to the floor with a backhanded slap. He delivered a quick kick to her stomach before turning back to the camera, ignoring Starbuck as she gasped and coughed on the floor.

"I'm sorry you had to see that Lee, but as you can see, your little friend her hasn't been the most gracious of guests." His two men picked Starbuck up under her arms and stood her up facing both Zarek and the camera.

"Now, Lt. Thrace, perhaps you would like to recant your last statement?"

"Frak you." She gasped out before spitting in his face.

Lee almost smiled at her response. _There's Starbuck_. That was his wing-mate, not the frightened Kara who'd looked up at him from the floor with eyes full of hurt, pleading for help. His relief at seeing her spirited response disappeared as Zarek ploughed a large fist into her abdomen. _No! _Starbuck collapsed, her head lolling to her chest, but remained upright, suspended by the men who kept a firm grip on her arms.

_Gods. _The half smile that flitted across Zarek's face as he watched Kara gagging and gasping for air sickened Lee and sent a shiver of fear down his spine. _Something's wrong. Threatening the fleet for political reasons was one thing but this is something else. _He knew Zarek felt that violence could be justified by political ends but this was beyond that. He'd never seen this kind of brutality in the man he'd actually admired in his youth.

"Tell the Captain what you told me before; that you just want to go back to Galactica, that you'll do whatever I ask as long as we let you go." Zarek grabbed her face brutally and twisted it up to look at him.

Kara looked past him to the camera on the wall. _Lee, thank the gods, Lee. _Contact with someone outside the ship, the knowledge that finally someone knew she was here, made her giddy. That that someone was Lee was more than she'd even hoped for. _Lee I'm sorry, for what happened. Please don't be mad. Please help me. _She felt hope soaring in her chest but checked it quickly. She knew she was slipping under, she knew didn't have much strength left and she couldn't afford to waste her focus or her energy. Lee was on the Galactica and she was here. She needed to hold it together.

_Lee, finally. Lee. _She wanted to scream for him, to beg him to come for her before it was too late. _I can't do this anymore Lee, it's too much. Please - No, suck it up Starbuck,_ she told herself firmly, cutting off the begging before she slipped and said it aloud.

_What are you, some frakking nugget who can't take a few bumps and bruises without calling for mommy?_ _Lee's not here, he can't help you, you have to take care of yourself. _Looking towards the camera she closed her eyes and pictured him standing in CIC. The tension was probably showing faintly around his tightened mouth and eyes but his gaze would be holding cold and firm as it always did when he stepped up to his duty. He would stand strong for her, he was always did. _Please hurry Lee, _the thought slipped quickly through her mind before she could stop it. Calling on the last of her will, holding that image of Lee firmly in her mind and drawing strength from him, she turned her gaze back to Zarek and grinned her trademark Starbuck grin,

"What I," she was gasping for air, forcing her chest to expand against the pain, "said before was," she gasped again, "frak," gasp, "you." This time the fist came down across her cheek and she thanked the gods as she felt herself slip gently into unconsciousness.

--

_I will publish more soon, I promise! FYI the next couple of chapters are pretty dark though._

_So far I've been blessed with many reviews and I love it. Please keep them coming! I'm a grad student and my postings will probably be somewhat sporadic, because of the demands of my school work, but the more reviews I receive, the more pressure I will feel to keep working on this fic so if you want to see more, let me know! My supervisor won't thank you for it but I will!_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Heads up, it's getting darker – see warnings from chapter one._

_Thanks for all the wonderful reviews, I'm glad you guys are enjoying the fic and are interested in what's going to happen next. I won't be answering all your questions yet but I promise all will be revealed… eventually._

_As I said before, I own nothing, I just like to play with other people's toys._

* * *

**Chapter Three**

Lee watched her go limp. His mind was racing. _Kara! I should be there. I should be stopping this. I have to get her out of there. I have to pound that bastard's face into a pulp. _He fought to maintain control and forced himself to breathe, slipping into his battle training. _Assess, prioritize, act._ It was a long-range comm. link and they could probably pinpoint the Astral Queen's location relatively easily. There was, however, no hope for any kind of surprise attack as Zarek would surely kill Starbuck if he had any inkling that they were coming. His personal priority was to save his best friend, the woman he loved, but his duty lay with the fleet and they could not just start negotiating with terrorists. He needed to buy himself some time to think. Zarek took a menacing step towards Kara's limp form as she hung between his men.

"Zarek! Tom!" Lee called out, his raging emotions putting more urgency in his voice than he would have liked. The older man stepped away from Starbuck and the men restraining her, "Wha… what is it you want from us?"

"Ah ha, so now you do want to negotiate, is that it?" Zarek smiled cruelly, his voice mocking Lee.

"I'm wondering what it is you want in exchange for Starbuck's release?"

"Ah ah, you said I'd have to talk to your precious President if I wanted anything." Zarek shook his head mockingly before he turned back and advanced towards Starbuck.

"No… I mean yes." Zarek stopped but did not turn to face the camera. Lee continued, "I cannot speak for the fleet but if you tell me what you want, I can speak with the President. As a gesture of good faith, though, you'll have to leave Kara alone while we work this out."

Turning slowly to look at the camera, Zarek spoke in a low menacing tone that sent another shiver down Lee's spine, "Now Lee, you said we couldn't work it out, that you wanted nothing to do with my group." He grinned coldly, his eyes shining with menace.

Lee saw that Zarek had a small bruise on one cheek and what looked like a healing cut on his lip. _Attagirl Kara. _He thought to himself.

"Have you suddenly had a change of heart now Lee? Don't tell me a second generation military man like yourself is going to let a silly thing like emotion get in the way of your all important duty." Zarek laughed, " But of course you will. For all your posturing, you Adama men are just like the rest of us and you couldn't live with yourself if you left little Miss Thrace here in our hands. As for your demand," continued the captain of the Astral Queen, narrowing his eyes, "_I_ don't _need_ to do anything for _you_. You give me what I want, you get your _Kara_ back alive. You don't give me what I want, we keep her. It's that simple."

He walked quickly over to where the men still held the unconscious pilot. Zarek slapped her cheeks roughly until Starbuck opened her eyes. "Your Captain wants us to leave you alone while he tries to talk his way out of a fair bargain." He looked over his shoulder and shot another cold grin back at the camera. "But I think I'll have better luck with his 'negotiation' if he has some incentive, don't you think?"

Still not quite awake, Starbuck moaned slightly as her cheek ached desperately, and broke into a fit of coughing before lifting her head. She blinked her eyes, willing herself to face the camera and imagine she was talking directly to Lee,

"Lee, listen to me, don't you give him a thing," she spoke quickly. "You nuke this whole ship just like we talked about with the L.T. back in training."

At Zarek's gesture, his men threw Starbuck to the ground. She cried out in spite of herself as her knee slammed into the hard floor. She continued as the men dropped beside her to hold her facedown, her voice rising to a shout, "I mean it Lee! L.T. was against it but you have to, just nuke it! Don't you give them anything Lee." She craned her neck to look at the camera, gasping for breath as she tried to shout, "Just like we talked about with L.T.," gasp, "Don't Lee! Don't even talk to these frakkers."

Zarek kicked her in the side, cutting off her yelling as she struggled for breath and then broke down coughing again.

Lee winced at the blow and was frightened by the deep hacking coughs, "What have you been doing to her Zarek?"

"Oh we've shown her the utmost of colonial hospitality. Nothing that any one of us didn't experienced at the hands of your _colonial_ prison guards." Zarek walked calmly in front of Starbuck and squatted down, grabbing a handful of her hair and viciously yanking it back, he lifted her to face him, "Now, as I was saying, we need to give your friend the Captain some incentive to work fast and get us what we want. Unfortunately, he's a man of action and violence so I'm afraid he'll only understand action and violence."

"Zarek, wait, talk to me!" Lee yelled, unsure of what he would say but desperate to get Zarek's attention away from Kara. The strange grin on Zarek's face and his playful tone frightened Lee even more. _Gods, if he's like this now, what else has he done to her? It's been over two frakking months, what have they done to her?_ Again, Lee ruthless shoved his thoughts of Kara aside and focused his attention on dealing with Zarek.

"You had your chance to talk Captain." Zarek bent closer to Kara and gently stroked her hair from her face as he spoke loudly enough to ensure that Lee could hear it, "Now, as a viper pilot, I'd say that one of your most valuable assets are your hands, am I right?"

One of the men holding her down pulled her arm out and forced Starbuck's left hand to lie flat on the cold metal floor. "Of course your eyes are very valuable too, and so much more difficult to repair, but I think we'll leave those for later, in case your Captain really isn't listening to me."

Lee felt sick to his stomach, everything was moving in slow motion. He knew he should turn away, that he should be thinking of how to get Kara out of there but he was trapped watching the action on the screen. Zarek stroked the back of Kara's hand gently with his fingertip. At his touch she bucked and pulled at the men restraining her, snarling and yelling, she flailed and flung herself wildly. Despite her efforts the men holding her down did not budge and her hand remained flat on the floor in front of Zarek. Her struggles dissolved into another coughing fit. Zarek grinned up at the camera, pulling a folded hunting knife out of his pocket.

"Now Zarek, you wait just a minute here!" Tigh yelled at the screen. "You can't just go cutting-"

"I'm not talking to you, old man." Zarek snarled, his eyes flashing with fury. He raised the folded knife over his head.

For a split second before the knife came down Lee looked at Kara's hand. It was so small on the screen but he could see it perfectly in his mind. The pale skin covering her narrow palm etched with the lines that made it hers. The fine tendons that stood out visibly on the backs of her hands as she drummed her fingers while waiting for someone else to bet in a game of triad. The long tapered fingers that looked so delicate and yet held such strength. In the heartbeat before the blow, he thought of that hand and how he'd felt the few times he'd been able to hold it in his own, how it had felt running over his skin the night before she disappeared. The butt of the knife landed squarely on the back of Kara's hand with a sickening crunch. Her sharp cry echoed in the small room.

Kara bit her lip as white hot pain seared up her arm. _Not again, not again. Not my hand again_. Tears ran down her face. "No-o-o-o," she moaned. She felt light headed and tried to slow her breaths and force air into her aching chest.

A second blow landed, this time on two of her fingers, before Lee could say anything.

"Ok! Ok! Tom! I get it. You've got my attention, ok?" His voice cracked. Zarek looked up. _He's listening now_, thought Lee, "What do you want?"

"I'll send a list of basic supplies through to your Comm. Officer, mostly medical supplies, food et cetera but more importantly, we also want fifty tonnes of tylium."

A murmur went round the previously silent CIC.

"What?" Lee asked incredulously.

"You heard me, Captain." Zarek sneered, as he stood up and once again approached the camera, " We need fuel and since you've got plenty, I thought you could spread the wealth." The look on his face, his wide-eyed stare, the way he licked his lips was so odd, Lee felt as if he were talking to a stranger.

_Frak, there's no way the fleet could part with that much in fuel exchange for one soul_, thought Lee, any hopes he had for reaching a settlement fading. After losing their first source of fuel to the Cylons, the fleet had been searching for another but had had no luck and fuel stocks were starting to run low. _Got to buy more time,_ Lee thought, _there has to be some other way out of this_. "You wouldn't want me to make this decision on my own, right? I mean, you would want me to go through the democratically elected officials, right, _Tom_?"

Zarek's eyes narrowed before he slowly nodded, trapped by his own dogma, "Yes, that is correct. I'm not endorsing any military actions without Quorum sanction."

"Well, that's going to take a little time. You need to give me time." Lee cringed as he realized he was almost begging.

"No, Captain," Zarek grinned again, "you need to give me what I want and hope you're able to do so before we go too far with your precious _Kara_ here." Zarek turned and walked back towards the group on the floor, once again squatting next to Starbuck's head. He bent down but this time spoke in hushed tones that Lee could not make out.

As soon as she heard what Zarek said Starbuck resumed her vehement struggles, crying out as she desperately fought both to free herself and to inflict as much damage on her captors as she could. As he stood, Zarek gave the men an order and they flipped Starbuck onto her back. "Ares!" Zarek called loudly. The door to the room swung open once again and a large man with shaggy dark hair and arms covered in tattoos entered. Zarek jerked his head towards Starbuck and the men before turning his attention back to the camera. "You have all the time you need, Captain. But know this, every hour or so…"

Lee watched in horror as the tattooed man knelt in front of Starbuck and undid the zipper on her flight suit. She bucked and cried out, yelling between coughing fits and struggling to get away from his large, tattooed hands. _Gods, no._

--

_I told you it would get dark and, as another heads up, it's going to get even darker in the future chapters so now's the time to quit if this isn't your type of thing._

_Comments? Questions? Concerns? You know how to reach me and I would love to hear what you think! As I said, this is my first attempt at a fic so I would love any feedback you have to offer, especially in terms of pacing, characterization and general plot development._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Dark and getting even darker – consider yourself warned (see chapter 1 for more specifics)  
_

_Big thank you to Phindle for betaing this for me! I make mistakes and she catches them. Any that are still here are because I keep editing and playing with the story right up until I post it._

_Thanks to everyone who sent me a review so far! Your feedback keeps me motivated so please, please keep it up! _

_As I said before, and as I will say again, I own nothing related to anything important._

_**--**_

**Chapter Four**

"Do I have your attention Captain?"

One of Kara's desperately flailing kicks connected with the large man's chin. He grunted and swung a massive fist into her gut. Kara gagged and moaned. He loomed over her, leering, pushing her legs apart.

_No, no, no, no. Not again. Not like this. please Gods, let me out of here. I don't care how, please just end this, _Kara's mind raced as the huge man pulled the zipper on her flightsuit the rest of the way down. She held her eyes tightly closed as she felt his hand moving over her skin. She bit her lip when he savagely pinched and twisted her breast. _No! Lords of Kobol, hear my prayer…_

"Captain? Ever hour or so, I will allow one of my men to do as he pleases with your little flying ace over there for thirty minutes." A scream echoed through the room. "We want to keep the little lady with us as long as possible so, for now, I will allow her some time to rest in between but if I begin to lose my patience or feel that you are not truly working to resolve this issue, I will begin replacing her rest periods with beatings. You should really hurry Captain, we're short on supplies here on the Queen and didn't have much to spare for your friend. With so little food and water for so long, I simply don't know how long your Lieutenant can hold out."

Zarek looked over his shoulder at his men and their prisoner before turning back to grin into the camera once again, "Oh, and if we pick up so much as an unexplained asteroid approaching us on DRADIS we'll make sure Lieutenant Thrace isn't around by the time it gets anywhere near us."

Kara's cries had diminished to broken sobs, coughs and gasps which mingled with the low grunting of the large man on top of her, sending flashes of rage and pain through Lee. _Kara! No!_ He felt his knees weaken slightly as his stomach made a slow sick turn. He closed his eyes as he clenched his fists, trying desperately to maintain his control.

Suddenly he was across the room, pummelling the screen with his fists, screaming and cursing at Zarek and his men; his emotions boiling over and streaming out of him in a violent onslaught. He kicked at the bulkhead and pounded the screen over and over, screaming until his throat was on fire and his hands broke and bled on the cracks he'd made in the glass. _They kept her there. All this time. She wasn't gone. They'd had her all this time. They kept her from me. They hurt her and that monster is_-

Lee opened his eyes. He was still standing next to Tigh at the map table. He looked up at the intact screen, willing himself to stop trembling. Opening and closing his fists, he could still feel the ghost of the satisfying pain, as if he really had beaten the frak out of the screen. He took a steadying breath, letting the real relief of tension that came from his imagined outburst wash through him.

On screen, Zarek turned towards the door but paused and looked back, "I'll keep this video link open so that you can watch if you like but I'll be disconnecting the audio just in case the two of you decide it's a good idea to try and work out some kind of scheme." Zarek strode out of the room and Lee was left watching the three men and Kara. Seconds later, the audio feed died.

Lee realized, to his horror, that he hadn't even tried to say anything to Kara. _Frak me. _Weeks of wishing he'd had one last chance to talk to her, one last chance to say the things that had swirled inside him for years now and when he'd finally gotten the chance, he'd blown it. _Like I always do._ He'd been so focused on Zarek and how to deal with the slippery terrorist in order to save Kara that it hadn't even occurred to him to say anything to her. He hung his head, the weight on his chest crushing down.

"Turn that off," hissed Tigh, looking away in disgust.

"No!" cried Lee, his head shooting back up. _I can't lose her again._

Tigh and the rest of the CIC crew looked at him in disbelief. "I mean, we need to see her, to make sure she's aliv-" Lee's voice caught, the idea of seeing her other than alive shook him deeply, "to keep an eye on her," he finished.

"Dee, can you start a trace on that signal without Zarek knowing what you're doing?" Tigh asked. The slight young woman nodded, the look of shock fading from her face as she bent to her work. The rest of the crew watched Lee, avoiding looking at the screen, and waited to see what he would do.

"Sir?" Dualla asked hesitatingly, "The president would like to speak to you Captain, I've got her on a scrambled line."

Lee shook himself, he'd forgotten the president was listening.

"Right." Feeling as if he was moving through water, he reached for the handset and held it to his ear, willing himself not to look at what was continuing on the screen.

"Captain, Gods, I am so sorry." President Roslin's sympathetic voice flowed over Lee. Somehow her compassion soothed him. He closed his eyes briefly, letting her calm wash through him. "What can we do to get her out of there?"

"Uhm, thank you Madame President. I, I don't know." Lee pressed a hand to his eyes, trying to force the images from his mind. Pulling himself up, he cleared his throat, "There is no way we can part with that much fuel right now, even if we were willing to negotiate with terrorists."

"Do you think Zarek will agree to take anything else in exchange for Lieutenant Thrace?"

"No." Lee felt his chest constrict and willed his mind to stay calm and focused. "I'm going to discuss this with Colonel Tigh and see what we can come up with in terms of a rescue op."

"I'm coming over there." The President wasn't asking for her customary permission to join them on Galactica.

"Madame President, that's…" She'd come and with that patient stare of hers she'd manage to see through his calm military façade. She'd through it and see through him. He couldn't let anyone see the pain and fear that had wrapped like a cold iron fist around his chest, "that's unnecessary."

"Captain," she said gently but firmly, "I'm coming over there."

He knew there really was no point in arguing with her, "All right, I'll inform the Colonel."

"Perhaps I should call the Quorum to assemble with me? If Zarek has any way of checking up on us, at least it would look like we're keeping your word."

Lee nodded, his mind already racing through possible rescue plans, "Fine, I'll see you when you arrive, Madame President."

"Lee?" Her voice stayed his hand as he'd started to pull the receiver from his ear, "Hang in there, we'll find a way to bring her home."

He swallowed firmly, his voice cracking slightly as he replied quietly, "I… I know." He hung up the receiver gently. He didn't know that. In fact, he couldn't see anything they could do to bring her home.

He felt a gentle touch on his arm, "Uhm, Captain?"

Dee was standing at his side, looking up at him, pain radiating out of her pale hazel eyes. She spoke softly, her arm resting reassuringly on his. "Uhm, I understand you want to keep an eye on Starbuck but," she flashed a glance at the screen and shuddered, "some of us, I mean, we can't focus on our jobs, Sir, with that on the monitor." She looked at Tigh, recognising that it was ultimately his call to make but knowing that it was Lee who'd insisted they maintain the contact.

Lee looked up and wished he hadn't. The three men were still with her in that small room. Dee squeezed his arm gently.

"No. No, you're right. You shouldn't have to watch that, Dee. I'm sorry." Lee smiled down at her. Her steady gaze giving him strength and reminding him of his responsibility to the crew and to the fleet. "Can you transfer the feed to one of the smaller monitors in the war room?"

"Yes Sir." She slipped her hand down his arm and gave his hand a quick squeeze before making her way back to her post.

"How to you want to play this Captain?" Tigh asked the younger man, suddenly feeling the weight of his command and realizing that this was not his area of expertise. "You're the CAG and she's _your_ pilot, how are you going to bring her home?" _Lee knows Zarek better than anyone in the fleet_, Saul knew it was a lame excuse for passing on command of the op. but he'd learned his lesson last time he'd been in charge and had tried to deal with things beyond his ability. And besides, the Commander would have his ass if he frakked this up.

Lee stared at his C.O. for a minute, watching his eyes before nodding slightly. He was in charge of this one but he'd have to walk a fine line. He'd have to find a way to manage the op. without undermining Tigh's authority with the crew.

"Ok," Lee stood tall and straight in the centre of the room, gazing around at the crew, noting the fear and shock on their faces. Starbuck may have made some enemies but she was generally well liked within the crew and if he'd been too wrapped up in his own misery to noticed how hard they'd all taken her disappearance, he certainly saw the impact of her capture written plainly on their faces. "With your permission, Colonel, I suggest we go to the War Room with Lieutenants Agathon and Gaeta and have the President meet us there when she arrives."

Tigh nodded, grateful for Lee's tact, "The rest of you will continue with your duties as normal. There's a whole fleet of souls out there counting on us and we can't drop the ball just because one of our own is in trouble. Dee, can you get a hold of Helo and tell him to meet us there?" She nodded. "Lieutenant Kilno, you have the comm." He turned to face the Lee, "What do you say we go figure out a way to get our girl home, Apollo?"

Lee nodded and followed the Colonel and the young Lieutenant out of CIC, his mind a blur of possible ways to get Starbuck off the Astral Queen, none of them viable. He suddenly realized Tigh was speaking to him,

"What was Starbuck talking about with that L.T. in training? She said the training officer disagreed with you and said you shouldn't nuke the ship. You didn't really have a training officer who was stupid enough to suggest you negotiate with frakking terrorists did you?"

Saul didn't really care about the kind of training that had gone on almost a decade ago on a base that no longer even existed, he just wanted to keep the kid from disappearing into his own head and distract him long enough to get that shell-shocked look off his face. He'd be frakked if he'd let anyone see it but in the past few weeks he'd begun to worry about the young captain. He'd performed his duties adequately but seemed to be walking around in a fog, often drifting off during briefings or even conversations. He hadn't been this bad when Starbuck had taken that frakheaded jump back to Caprica in the raider. Saul had figured it was that this time there was no plan, no rendezvous location, no hope of her coming back.

_We've all lost people. Frak, we've all lost almost everyone_, Saul thought. But somehow losing Starbuck had been different_._ He hated to admit it but without her around things had been almost too quiet on the Galactica. They'd all felt the loss of more than just their best pilot. Maybe it was just the last straw, one loss too many, or maybe it was that they needed her and her sense of humour, as frakked up as it was, to keep things loose onboard. Whatever it was, they needed her back and he had to keep the kid damn well focused if they were to stand any chance of doing that.

"What? Oh," Lee shook his head to clear his thoughts, "oh yeah, I don't know what Starbuck - " _Kara_. Vivid images flashed back in front of his eyes before he could stop them: her pinned to the ground, that beast of a man on top of her, "I - I don't know what she was talking about, all our training officers were Captains."

--

_So yeah, it's pretty dark eh? No one tell my dad the psychologist about this, I really do not want to know what he'd read into my twisted imaginings. It'll stay dark for a while but I promise that it won't stay that way forever._

_Research shows that reviewing fanfics dramatically reduces your chances of being ambushed by Cylons while in the shower. Seriously, I'm I scienctition, I know these things (ok, ok, a social scienctition but still, stats are stats, you can't argue with numbers). _


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: This one is less dark than other chapters but it's still not a happy sunshine and rainbows type of story and it will be getting dark again before it gets better._

_I own nothing to do with Battlestar in any way, shape or form._

_Thanks for the reviews guys, they keep me motivated to get the next chapter up as soon as I can._

_I'm going to ask for a little slack around some of the technical stuff in this chapter. I know what I'm suggesting doesn't exactly match some of the facts of the canon but I'm hoping that my digression isn't asking you to ignore too much "reality" and that it's forgivable, for the sake of the fic._

_Enjoy!_

--

**Chapter Five**

Lee, Tigh and Gaeta entered the War Room and found Helo staring wordlessly at a small monitor.

"What the frak is this? Dee just told me to report here and… and…" he gestured at the screen on which Lee could see Starbuck lying curled on the floor, her filthy flight suit wrapped around her, her face pinched in pain. Lee said a silent prayer of relief for the fact that she was alone. "Lee? What the frak is going on? Kara's alive? Why is she in some cell? Where is she?" Helo's voice cracked as he looked from the screen to Lee's face.

Lee looked up at the taller man and saw another display of the pain and distress the loss of Kara had caused. How could he have missed that? He'd spoken with Helo almost every day, he knew they were close. Lee had shut everyone else out in order to protect himself but he hadn't given a thought to their grief.

"It's the Astral Queen. It looks like Zarek's had her there for a while."

"Is she ok? Why didn't he contact us? Are we bringing her back here?"

Lee shook his head, "I don't know why they held her for so long. He's asking for fifty tonnes of tylium in exchange for her. We can't give him what he wants, even if we had enough fuel, the fleet cannot give in to - ."

"So what, we're just going to sit here and watch her there?" Helo burst out angrily, as he advanced towards Lee. Fury rose in his chest, fogging his mind. He wanted to strike out and hit something, anything. His voice rose to a shout, and he began jabbing at Lee with his fist, "You'd let fleet policy get in the way of bringing Kara home? You're just going to leave her there? You know, there were three men leaving that cell when I came in, I think they - " his voice caught, he clenched his jaw tight to keep himself from breaking. Lee could hear the tears of anger and pain choking his friend. Helo spun away and stared at the monitor willing Kara to look up, to get up and smile one of her wide Starbuck grins at the camera. She didn't. She lay on the floor and even through the video relay, he could see her shaking.

"I know. I know what happened." Lee said quietly, resting a hand on Helo's arm, "And we're going to do everything we can to get her home. That's why we're in here, we need to come up with a plan to get her out of there without giving Zarek the fuel. I wanted you here as one of the pilots I'll be relying on for this op."

Helo nodded. They turned to the large map table where Gaeta had started assembling the models to represent the Astral Queen, the Galactica and her fleet of Vipers and Raptors.

--

After over half an hour of discussion, the four men still had not come up with a viable rescue plan.

Saul sighed, rolling his neck to relieve some of the tension, "I hate to be the one to suggest this despite all of the frakking trouble she's caused me but I wonder if we should just follow Thrace's advice," he said quietly, staring at her on the screen, still curled on the floor where the men had left her.

Lee jerked his head up from the map table, "What?"

"I know, I know. It's not something we want to think about," Saul raised his hands defensively, "but if we can't think of any way to get her out of there, I mean, it's been almost an hour, they're probably getting ready to go back in there." He gestured at the screen, and lowered his voice, "Wouldn't the humane thing be to end it, to destroy the Astral Queen altogether?"

"What? No frakking way!" Helo burst out.

"Ok, ok, I know it's not what we want but it _is_ what she told us to do."

"What? I don't believe that." Helo said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"It's true," Lee nodded, "she said we should just nuke the ship and not even try to negotiate with Zarek."

"No way, there's no way she meant that. That's just Starbuck being… Starbuck. She never really means that stuff. Lee?" Helo was almost pleading with Lee to agree with him. The idea of his feisty friend giving up just didn't make sense to him.

"Well, she was pretty out of it," Saul said. "She kept rambling on about some plan they'd talked about with a Lieutenant in training but Lee said you were all trained by Captains."

Helo nodded, and pursed his lips,"We were, for the most part, except when they brought in someone to guest lecture or teach us a specific skill."

Lee looked at his friend in shock, "Wait, we had one in that Theoretical Advances in Fleet Capabilities course, right?"

"Yeah, almost all the lectures were different experts." Helo shook his head, "Total waste of time, if you ask me. Training nuggets about technologies that _might_ exist in the future? Anyway, what if we jumped the whole fleet of vipers in and…"

"That's IT!" crowed Lee, a smile bursting across his face. The other men just stared at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"That's what she was trying to tell me. There was this Lieutenant who was lecturing about the future advancements of FTL capabilities. After the class, Kara stuck around to talk to him some more. She had this idea about increasing the accuracy of jumps to the point where we could jump vipers on and off battlestars during combat so that the enemy wouldn't even see us coming." Lee's mind was racing as he talked. _Could we do it? Was it even remotely possible? Could we live with ourselves if we don't try? _"The Lieutenant said that kind of precision wouldn't be possible for decades but what it if we could do it?"

Lee looked around at the other men, they were still obviously thinking he'd gone off the deep end, "Seriously, we have a blueprint of the Astral Queen's layout and they have that large open cargo bay where the cells used to be. We could jump a raptor filled with marines in there before Zarek even knows what's going on. Gaeta, you're the expert at calculating jumps, do you think we could do it?"

"Captain, I've never calculated something with that kind of precision," he said cautiously.

"I didn't ask if you'd done it before, I'm asking if you think you could do it now, Lieutenant," Lee snapped.

"How large is the potential arrival point?"

"Uhm, it's about 50,000 square feet with a two story clearance up to the rafters."

Gaeta stood silently for a minute, his face thoughtful.

"Obviously, there's a high risk of failure and we can't do any kind of trial run so even if we think we've done the calculations accurately, there's a chance that whatever we jump in there could end up arriving halfway through a wall or something - "

"But could we try?" Lee asked anxiously.

"Well, right off the bat, I'd say that the major issue would be getting an accurate pinpoint on the Queen's exact location, and I mean _exact_."

"Can we do that through the wireless feed?"

Gaeta thought for another moment before a hesitant smile flashed across his face, "I have an idea but I'm not sure if it's even possible."

"Well?" Helo asked.

"I'm, well, I'd rather try it out before suggesting it as a possibility - "

"We don't have time!" Lee cut him off.

"Ok, ok, well," Gaeta paused, his eyes darting back and forth, looking at but not really seeing the models on the table in front of him, as his mind raced over the possibilities, "I'm wondering if we can somehow link the FTL calculation software with the signal tracking software, that way the calculations will be based directly on their location."

"Isn't that what we've been saying all along?" Helo was confused by Gaeta's hesitancy over the viability of this plan. He glanced around at the other men ringed around the table, "Isn't that pretty much what we always do? Pick a spot and calculate the jump?"

"Yes - no. We normally pick a static location," Gaeta placed a finger on a point of the map, "and calculate the jump to go there." With the other hand he picked up the model of Galactica and placed it on that point, "But what I'm wondering is if we could program the computer to use the signal location as it's arrival point, whatever that location is at the moment of jumping," He placed his first finger on the model of the Astral Queen and moved it slowly around in a small circle, "and then jump into that arrival point." He picked up a model of a raptor and placed it above the Astral Queen.

"Is that even possible? The calculations take a while, wouldn't we have to recalculate every time the Queen moves at all? She'd have shifted again before we were ready every _frakking_ time," Tigh put in.

"Well, theoretically, yes," said Gaeta excitedly. "But what I'm thinking is that we can run the first longer calculation based on an initial location and then program the actual jump using the location as a variable, rather than a fixed item. Like substituting "x" in an equation. The initial calculation would take the usual amount of time but then we'd just adjust it for the most recent location, right before the jump. We can make those minor adjustments relatively quickly, assuming…" he trailed off, finally seeing a major flaw in his plan.

"What?"

"Well, assuming the Queen is in a stable position. If they're moving quickly the last minute calculation _would_ take too long and they would have moved again before the raptor got there, just like the Colonel said." He thought for a moment, "On the other hand, if they're moving in a steady path, like in a geosynchronous orbit around a planet, we could theoretically predict their position at the time of the jump, decreasing the time for that second calculation but..."

"But increasing the possibility for error if that prediction is off." Lee finished. Gaeta nodded, looking solemnly at the captain.

Lee felt his heart sink a little. It was too risky, they couldn't send half a dozen men out there with that much room for fatal error.

At that moment, the door to the war room opened and President Roslin entered, followed by her assistant, Billy.

"How are we doing with a rescue plan, gentlemen?"

So excited with the possibilities, Gaeta for once forgot about protocol and leapt to answer the question that was addressed to the senior officers, "Well, we think we can jump a raptor full of marines directly onto the Astral Queen and - "

"It's too dangerous," Lee cut him off, turning to face the President, his face set. "Madam President, it's too dangerous for us to send a group of marines, we have no idea if this will work but we do know the whole thing is extremely risky and that there is a large chance of fatal error."

"But it's the best plan we've got," Helo put in, his voice rising with each word, "You're just going to throw it away and leave her there, Apollo?"

"We're not leaving her there," Tigh said vehemently. "We'll nuke the frak out of that bucket before we leave Starbuck there with those animals."

"Ok, wait a minute!" the President threw her hands up, "Will someone please tell me what you're all talking about?"

--

_So-o-o, what do you think? Is the FTL thing too crazy? Did I just lose half my audience? I hope not but feel free to blast me and tell me just how stupid the idea is._

_I know you know how to reach me so be a pal and drop me a line, would ya? I'd never hold a fic hostage but I have to be honest and tell you that the more feedback I get, the more motivated I am to keep working._


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N See chapter 1 for warnings._

_Again, I'd like to thank my fantastic beta __Phindle for her help and encouragement._

_Also, thanks to all who took the time to send me a review of the last chapter! I'm glad you guys like my rescue plan so far and that the FTL thing doesn't seem to sound too outrageous. Stay tuned for more details..._

* * *

**Chapter Six**

The other men looked at Lee. The President stood watching him patiently.

"Well, we've been through every possible plan we can think of and there's only one option that would allow us to get close enough to- " Lee was distracted by movement on the monitor behind the president. There was someone in Kara's cell. _Gods, we took too long_,

The president saw Lee look past her and watched his face twist suddenly as if he'd been struck. She glanced over her shoulder to where he was looking.

Her breath caught in her throat, "Frak, no," she said softly.

Hearing profanity from the president for the first time somehow surprised Lee, even at a time like this. He shifted his gaze to the president and saw a tear sliding down her cheek as she watched a slight man with wide grin on his face advance upon the young woman. Lee's eyes were drawn back to the monitor, his hands clenching unconsciously at his sides.

Kara sat up, apparently at the sound of the hatch closing. She crawled backwards as best she could with one good hand and one good leg, trying in vain to stay away from the man. She looked up at the camera. Speaking quickly, she ignored the approaching form as she began yelling towards the camera.

The president shivered, wrapping her arms across her chest, "Can anyone make out what she's saying?" She asked over her shoulder, her eyes glued to the screen as the man struck Kara in the face before grabbing her by the hair and dragging her to the middle of the room. Starbuck grabbed his hand, kicking her foot and still yelling. Throwing her down, the man removed his belt and began whipping it down in savage strokes across his captive's chest and legs. Kara covered her face with her good arm, curling up on her side with the broken hand tucked in close to her, shielding it with her body.

No one spoke. The president finally dragged her eyes away and turned back to the room full of men.

"Ok, gentlemen," she said quietly, her voice heavy with emotion as she sniffed back a tear and swiped her hand across her eyes, "let's focus on getting her out of there as quickly as we can." She looked at Lee, "Captain Adama," she put her hand on his arm. He jerked, turning to her, his face tight with fury.

"Lee," her soft voice gaining strength, "we can't stop that right _now_ but if we stay focused on what we need to do, we _can_ do our best to get her out of there."

Lee nodded, shifting his gaze to the models on the table. Taking deep breaths, trying to clear his head and bring his focus back to their planning, he ruthlessly shoved all thoughts of Kara out of his head. _Just plan the op_., he thought. _Don't think about why it's happening or who we're getting out, just bring your pilot home._

The president nodded and approached the table, "Now, Lieutenant Gaeta, isn't it? What was this plan you were talking about?"

Gaeta nodded and briefly explained what they'd been discussing before her arrival, outlining the dangers and risks carefully while also explaining how it could potentially work.

When Gaeta finished, Lee, who'd stood motionless looking at the models throughout the whole explanation, raised his head and said, "It's too dangerous. We can't send a group of marines in there with those kinds of risks."

"So what, we resort to the Colonel's nuke plan?" Helo asked angrily, refusing to admit that Lee was right.

"No, I didn't say we wouldn't do it, I just said we couldn't ask those marines to take that kind of chance," Lee spoke slowly, his face stony.

"So what…? " Tigh asked, confusion written across his face.

"You think you should go in there yourself," the President said, watching Lee's face carefully.

He looked at her quickly, "Yeah, I mean… Yes. I think it's possible but I wouldn't ask anyone else to - "

"I'm in," Helo said. The President nodded.

"Now wait a minute!" Tigh broke in, "I'm in command of this battlestar and - "

"And what Colonel? You're going to tell me you'll order me to stay here?" Lee looked at the older man, anger crackling in his eyes, "You'd rather nuke the Queen and be done dealing with Starbuck forev-" his voice caught on the last word.

The Colonel looked at Lee's face and saw the young man's father, his best friend. The determination, the loyalty and the willingness to put himself on the line to protect his men, his friends, that was the old man all over.

"No, I'm not saying that!" He flung his hands up. "But I am in charge here and this decision shouldn't be made by you two," he gestured at Lee and the president.

Roslin nodded and smiled gently, "You're right Colonel and I apologize. We didn't mean to overstep your command, I was merely agreeing with the Captain about his idea to minimize the risk to human life by sending a smaller crew. As for the idea that you be the one to go," she turned back to Lee, "I'm afraid I cannot support that Captain Adama."

Their conversation was interrupted by a buzz from the comm. receiver.

"War room, Tigh here," the Colonel snapped into the mouthpiece. "Ok, thank you, someone will come meet them ASAP." He hung up the receiver and turned to the president, "Most of the Quorum has arrived, they're in the waiting area on C deck."

"Thank you, Colonel. May we have the use of your ready room to meet?"

Tigh nodded.

"Thank you. Billy, will you go and escort the Quorum to the ready room and explain the basic situation to them? I want to be the one to tell them about this proposed plan but they'll want to know why they were called here. Please thank them for their patience and tell them I will be there as soon as I can."

Billy nodded and headed out of the room.

"So, Captain Adama, as I was saying, I cannot support your proposed plan."

"What?"

"You are the one who Zarek is negotiating with. What happens if he requests contact and you're not here? He would know something is going on. Besides, the Galactica cannot afford to lose both her CAG and her flight training officer, should something go wrong."

"She's right, Captain." The Colonel was relieved he wouldn't be fighting with Lee alone.

"I'll go alone then," Helo said firmly.

The president watched his face for a moment before speaking carefully, "First we need to see if any of this is at all possible. Lt. Gaeta, you need some time to work with the software, correct?"

"Yes Sir."

"I suggest you get to work then, and perhaps ask Doctor Baltar to join you if you think his input would assist you. Please update us as soon as you know any more about the probability of a successful jump."

Gaeta nodded and looked to the Colonel. Tigh nodded his assent, "Dismissed." Gaeta snapped a salute and sped out of the room.

"Karl, can you find Sgt. Gekio? He was part of that squad of marines that took the Queen when Zarek held us there. We have the specs on file but he might have a better idea of where she might be held, where Zarek and his men are likely to be on board, or other useful recon info," Lee said quickly. Helo nodded.

"Do you think Dee might be able to use the video feed to access some of the Queen's other surveillance cameras? We can't do anything that Zarek might find out about but if we could get access to their network of surveillance feed and access the output of the other cameras…" Tigh trailed off.

"We might be able to check out the potential landing area, figure out where she's being held and what kind of access we'll have between the two," finished Lee.

"Right," Tigh nodded and picked up the comm. receiver mounted on the map table. After speaking briefly with Dualla he hung up the receiver and turned back to the group around the table, "She working on it and will call you, Lieutenant if she's able to get anything."

As Helo quickly left the room, Roslin turned back to Lee and Tigh, "Now gentlemen, as much as I'm hoping this plan _will_ work, we need to discuss our alternate plans in case Lieutenant Gaeta's initial findings are that the jump is not at all possible. Obviously, we cannot begin to negotiate with these men. It would open a door to every disgruntled group in the fleet resorting to violence in order to get what they want and we simply cannot afford that."

Lee nodded, his chest tightening again at the thought that Gaeta might not even be able to link the software. That would leave only one real option. His gaze drifted back to the monitor where the man, that monster –

"Captain!" Tigh's sharp voice cut through his thoughts.

"Right, sorry." Lee straightened his shoulders, "So it looks like we have no other plan that would be at all likely to work. So…" he couldn't finish that sentence.

"So we'll do what is necessary should it come to that." Roslin finished quietly, "Has anyone spoken with the Commander about all this?"

"No, not yet," Lee replied. His thoughts drifted to an image of his father lying in his bed in the Life Station. He imagined how the old man would take the news of Zarek's treatment of Kara. He sighed, "I-I'll go down there - "

Sensing his hesitancy, Roslin interrupted, "Why don't I go? I'll fill him in on the plan before I meet with the Quorum."

Lee nodded and smiled gratefully but his eyes remained dark.

"If it's alright with both of you, I would prefer to remain here where I can watch - where I can keep an eye on Kara without disturbing the rest of the crew."

"Fine, fine." The Colonel nodded, "We'll call you here if we need you for anything."

Lee was grateful the older man hadn't pushed him to leave the war room and sever that one piece of contact he now had with Kara. He snapped a quick salute which the Colonel returned before nodding to the President and leaving the room.

Roslin turned to Lee and watched his face as he studiously returned the models to their rack against the wall.

--

_I know, I know, this chapter probably didn't satisfy anyone's angst cravings but sometimes you gotta deal with plot points, right? Was it too dull? How am I doing with the characters?  
_

_You know, if you click on that little blue button down there, yeah, right there down on the left, see it? The little button labeled "go"? Well, if you click on it, you can actually use the wonderous magic of the internet to send me a message about what you think of this chapter. Seriously, it's just that easy. Really, I wouldn't lie to you about something like that. Go on, give it a try. I'll sit right here and watch, you'll see._


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N Sorry for the delay in posting folks, things are heating up at school and if I'm busting my butt to get everything taken care of so that I can graduate sometime in the next couple of months. That being said, I will continue to post chapters as often as I can, I'm aiming for at least one a week.  
_

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**Chapter Seven**

Standing alone with Lee in the War Room, President Roslin watched the young Captain keeping himself busy. She'd seen the raw pain in his eyes as his gaze continuously flicked back to the monitor during their conversation and she couldn't just turn her back on that kind of hurt.

"Lee," Roslin began softly. She chose to use his first name once again, wanting to speak to the young man, not the capable Captain Apollo.

Her tone cut right to his heart. There had always been something between him and the president. Nothing sexual, of course, but an intimacy they'd shared since the day of the attack. His father might have called it 'a soft spot in his heart' for her, which was true, but Lee's basic psych courses he'd taken at War College made it impossible for him to ignore the fact that his connection with the President probably also had something to do with his mother. His mother before Zak's death, before she started drinking, before she'd met the brute who would have become his stepfather.

_Please, not now. Just leave me alone and let me handle this my way for once_. The thoughts flashed through Lee's mind even as he felt his heart loosening, felt himself being tempted to let her share some of his pain. He realized with a start that it wasn't Laura Roslin he was begging to leave him alone. _Gods, she is just like mom._

His mother had that same ability, when he was a child, to see past the wooden face he showed the world; to see how much it had hurt him when his father had to leave and to make him want to talk about it, in spite of himself. The Commander had not been harsh but he was a military man who had to keep a tight rein on his emotions in order to do his job and expected the same from his family. Lee did not blame him, he'd accepted it as something required in a military family in order to get through the countless departures and the daily worry, but he was grateful to have had a mother who saw through it and had always found a way to help him let it out.

After Zak's death, though, she'd fallen apart and Lee had seen just how destructive those emotions could be. She'd been the only one he could talk to, the only one he'd ever let close enough to see how he really felt. But the one time he'd really needed her, standing over that grave and listening to the Priest reading from the scriptures, she hadn't been there. He'd stood with his arm around her, holding her up, knowing that she was not really there. The loss of her baby had been too much, the floodwater of emotion had swept her away from him, leaving Lee alone with an empty shell.

The night the call came about Zak's accident he'd been on leave and visiting with her at home in Caprica city. They were laughing together over photographs of one of the few family vacations they'd taken all together when he was younger. When the phone rang she'd been laughing too hard to do more than gasp a greeting into the handset. Listening to the voice on the other end, she'd frozen and he'd seen the amusement slide from her face, the light vanishing from her eyes. After hanging up the handset blindly, she'd turned and gone into her room, ignoring him when he called after her asking who had called. He'd followed her, asking again and again who had called as panic rose in his throat. It was like every bad dream he'd had as a child, waking up shaking after seeing a battlestar disappear in a flash of light or seeing his father lying on some remote planet, blood seeping from his body. He's known the war was long over but still, that tension had always sparked through the house when the phone rang and it had carried into both his and his brother's dreams; the interminable waiting for bad news that every military family has to endure in the name of duty.

He'd found her sitting stiffly on her bed. Between terse lips she'd simply said that Zak was gone, that there'd been an accident at the Academy. She'd dissolved into sobs then, her entire body shaking violently. For hours she was oblivious to his presence, looking through him when he spoke to her and sobbing inconsolably. He'd finally given a glass of Picon whiskey to calm her down, he hadn't known what else to do. She'd taken the drink, and another, and eventually had fallen asleep crying quietly on her bed.

He'd left her sleeping and, feeling like he was moving in slow motion, had made his way back out to the living room. Feeling lost and disoriented, he'd reached for the phone, desperate for someone to lean on and to share this burden with. Despite his explanation of a family emergency, the C.O. at the fleet switchboard patiently explained to Lee that Commander Adama was in a training exercise and would be out of wireless contact for another twelve hours. A cold knot formed in Lee's stomach, as it always had when he'd been reminded of the distance between him and his father. Whether he was in his battlestar parsecs away or simply looking at him with that quiet gaze from across the breakfast table, the Commander had always been just out of reach. Struggling to take a deep breath, Lee did what he'd always done when his father wasn't available: he pushed aside his own needs and took care of his mom and his brother.

He contacted his own C.O. to extend his leave and then arranged for their travel to the base for the funeral. After calling his mother's office and leaving a message to let them know she would be away from work for a while, he'd finally turned to his mother's address book to call the various friends and relatives who needed to be told the horrible news. He'd somehow made it through all those calls. Somehow survived telling people over and over that Zak…his brother…his baby brother…his only brother… his Zak…their Zak…Zak was gone…Zak was dead. He hadn't cried, he hadn't broken down. He'd forced himself to make call after call, clinging to the knowledge that he was doing something they couldn't; that he was helping his mom and, for the last time, taking care of Zak. Hanging up after the call he'd purposefully left until last, the sounds of his grandmother's sobs still ringing in his ears, Lee had felt his strength slipping away. He'd stumbled toward his mothers' room, wanting nothing more than to join her in her grief and to share his own with her. Needing to let himself go and cry out the tears that were burning in the back of his throat, the tears that were threatening to choke him, he half ran into her room but stopped short when he saw here sitting up in bed. She was sitting in silence, staring straight ahead, the now near-empty bottle gripped firmly in one hand. Her red and puffy eyes had gazed at him with a glazed expression. She looked at him but he knew she didn't see him, she couldn't see anything past the loss of her baby. He hadn't been able to grieve with her then or in the whirlwind of the days that followed.

From that moment on she'd kept herself in a liquor induced haze, numbing out the pain and shutting out anything that might remind her of what she'd lost. Even months after the funeral, there were nights when she'd called him, slurring her words and yelling at him for not taking better care of his brother. Sometimes she'd forgotten who she was talking to halfway through the conversation and she'd called him by his father's name, blaming him for Zak's death in his beloved fleet. She'd turned hard with the drink, angry at the world that had let her baby die. The loss had taken over her and there had been no room left in her heart to care for the son she still had.

Lee had lost both his brother and his mother the day Zak died and, like his mother, he'd blamed his father. Needing some way to vent his grief, he'd turned to anger, a much more manageable emotion, and had put as much distance between him and his father as he could. In the end, Lee had been left alone. He'd lost his entire family because a rookie pilot who, as it turned out, should never have even been in a viper dropped the ball and missed his landing.

It was only recently, after the attack, that he'd finally come to terms with what had really happened to Zak and had accepted that what his brother had wanted more than anything in the world was to be a pilot. It wasn't his father's, or even Kara's, fault that he'd died trying to reach that goal. Lee knew better than anyone how much Bill Adama had wanted his boys to follow in his footsteps but, to be honest with himself, he knew that had it not been what Zak had wanted things would have been different. Lee had freely chosen to be a pilot and so had his brother. His brother that Kara had loved, and lost, too.

Despite the fact that he'd been taken with Kara Thrace the day they met in basic training, Lee had kept his distance, more than a little intimidated by the brash young woman who could out-drink, out-curse and out-fly everyone at the Academy. Eventually they'd been assigned as training partners by their C.O. and had developed a fast friendship. As friends, she'd confided in him about her various conquests and affairs with the other trainees, oblivious to how much he suffered listening to her going on and on about other men.

Lee had admired the seemingly careless passion and speed of Kara's approach to life. A natural worrier with a bent towards perfectionism himself, she had taught him to take risks, let go a little and follow his gut. Afraid of losing her if she flunked out, Lee had forced Kara to study for their exams and had resorted to physically dragging her off the pyramid court or away from a card game to make her come and study with him. She'd made him a better pilot and he'd made her a better student. Together, they'd graduated at the top of their class, she'd taken a position teaching new pilots at the Academy and he'd gone into active duty. Then she'd met Zak. His young, impetuous brother. The Adama with the easy smile and reckless streak that Lee had always secretly envied. Zak took risks and could always smile and charm his way out of trouble if they didn't pay off. And Kara had loved that. Loved him.

At the funeral, his father had taken Kara's hand. Over the great gulf that was his brother's grave, Lee had watched them standing together as he himself stood alone beside his absent mother. He'd thought he was too numb to feel any more pain but that small gesture tore at his heart. He didn't begrudge Kara the comfort but he hated his father for not reaching out to him too. After the funeral he'd avoided Kara, partly to spare himself having to see her in pain and partly because she reminded him of everything he didn't have.

Later he'd heard that Kara had been assigned to the Galactica after some kind of discipline problem on another ship. His father had taken to Kara and was looking out for her; taking care of her as he'd never done for Lee. The young man had been hurt and angered by his father's actions and it was only recently that he'd come to understand his father's choices. He might not have played such an active role in Lee's career but he'd apparently kept tabs on him and, seeing him doing well on his own, the Commander had left him to find his own way. He'd stayed away, not because he didn't want to help Lee, but because Lee didn't need his help. His father had been proud of him all that time; proud that Lee had made a name for himself on his own. He had left Lee on his own because of that pride and because of the knowledge that Lee was still angry at him over losing his brother. He'd given Lee the space he thought his son had wanted.

The attack on the Colonies had changed a lot of things for a lot of people. Most had lost everything, or almost everything, but Lee had been blessed to get something back because of the Cylons. Because of the coincidences surrounding the timing of their attack and the decommissioning of the Galactica, the Cylons had given him back two of the people he cared most about. He'd reconnected with his father and after all that time they'd been able to say the things they should have said years ago. It had taken some time for them to feel close again but they'd gotten there. Until Kara's disappearance, that is. Losing the other person the Cylon attack had brought back into his life had pushed Lee into himself, cutting off everyone around him as he struggled to keep control and make it through each shift on duty. He couldn't afford to let his father in, not when the weight of his grief threatened to consume him so completely. So he'd retreated deeper, closing doors and building walls between himself and the outside world as quickly as he could.

But now Kara was back in his life and the crush of emotion had only gotten worse. Thinking about her, wave after wave of feeling washed over him. Anger… Grief…Joy… Relief… Fear… Each wave screaming through his veins until he felt torn in a thousand different directions. _Gods, I can't breathe._

"Lee?" The President's voice broke into his thoughts, his building panic.

He longed to collapse in her arms, to sob his heart out and relieve the pressure that was crushing down on his chest but he couldn't. She was the President of the Colonies and he was a Captain in the fleet. He turned to her, forcing a deep breath in past the weight on his chest, and instead offered her a stiff smile that did not lessen the pain in his eyes.

"Lee, we're doing what we can. We're going to do everything we can to get her home."

He nodded, his gaze drifting back to the gut-wrenching scene on the small monitor.

"Lee? Are you sure you should stay here and watch that?" The President felt disgust rising in her throat watching what was happening in the small cell.

"I need to see- I need to know she's ok," he offered simply.

"I know. I know you want to keep an eye on her but," she paused and cocked her head, slipping her glasses off and clasping them in her hand, "is watching what is happening to her really going to help? I can see how hard all of this is on you and I know Lieutenant Thrace is your friend, are you going to be alright?"

Her concern shook his resolve slightly, he felt his grip on his self control slip just a little. _She's worried about me._. In all of this, with everything else that was going on, she was worried if he was alright. And truth be told, he wasn't sure if he was.

"I'm fine," he lied. "I just can't turn it off. I'll still know what's happening, even if I don't see it and the thought of her being there alone all these weeks…" His chest constricted at the thought of her alone at the mercy of the ex-prisoners for all that time, "If I'm watching now, even though she can't hear or see me, at least she's not really alone. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just…" his eyes drifted back to the screen and locked on her battered face, "I have to know what's happening. Not just for my sake, but for hers too. I can't leave her alone like that again, someone has to stay with her and even if it hurts, I need to watch what they're doing to her. Someone else has to see and know what they're doing," he realized he was rambling and finished lamely, "someone has to know what's happening to her."

"You need to bear witness to their acts." She replied, nodding slowly.

Lee nodded back, his eyes drifting back to the monitor before skirting quickly away. He swallowed hard and prayed that Gaeta would have an answer soon.

--

_So, what do you think about my take on the Adama family past? Too much internal Lee angst? How about my view of the Lee/Laura relationship?_

_I hate to beg for reviews again but my motivation is seriously lagging with all this school work and the more feedback you give me, the more I know people are actually out there reading this and the more compelled I feel to keep posting as quickly as I can... Happy Canada Day to any fellow Canucks out there in ficland!_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: So, the bad news is that I'm a horrible author and left you hanging for much longer than I intended but the good news is that because I ignored everything else all week, my thesis is almost finished and I'll soon have more time to spend on this fic. I hope you'll forgive the delayed posting and as a peace offering, I've made this one a longer chapter._

_It hasn't been bataed yet, but I didn't want to leave you all hanging any longer than I already did. I did my best to check it for major errors but if it's really terrible, please let me know._

_Everyone knows I don't own any of this stuff and since I'm not pretending that I do, please don't get mad at me if you do.  
_

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Chapter 8

Alone in the War Room, Lee sat motionless in a chair. The slight man with the cold smile had left Kara's cell a moment ago; left her lying perfectly still in the middle of the room.

_Move Kara. Sit up. For fraksake, do something! _He begged her in his mind. He dug his fingers into the arms of the chair until his knuckles turned white. _Move. Please gods, let her move or cough or something. Anything._ Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, the young woman moved her hand, just slightly. Lee released the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and ran a hand through his short hair. _Thank the gods_.

He watched as Kara gently ran her good hand over her eyes and then gingerly turned over onto her side, pulling her legs in towards her chest. Wrapping her good arm around her knees, she closed her eyes. Lee could see her lips moving slightly. He'd never seen her pray before but he was certain that is what she was doing now. Eventually she opened her eyes and shifted her gaze to the camera. She started speaking again, slowly this time, and it didn't look like she was yelling this time. Lee watched her lips moving, trying desperately to understand her message. Her eyes looked intently into the camera, the sadness and pain in them bringing tears to the Captain's eyes.

He thought he saw her say his name a couple of times but couldn't be sure. _Gods Kara, please, please hang in there,_ he replied to her unheard message with an unspoken one of his own. His heart reached out for her and, watching her watching the camera, he could almost convince himself that she could somehow hear him. _ We're coming for you. Kara, there's so much I need to say, please come back to me. _He felt his eyes tearing up and, for once, didn't try to stop them, somehow feeling that if he felt strongly enough, if he let enough of his heart open, he could send his message to hers. _ Please don't leave me here alone again._

Lee jumped when the hatch to the War Room swung open and quickly swiped away the tears that had started to run down his cheeks. Tearing his gaze away from Kara's face, he saw his father in the doorway dressed in a hospital gown. The pain that was plainly written across his father's craggy face matched his own and touched Lee's vulnerable heart.

"Sir, I - " Lee faltered as he quickly rose from the chair. He didn't know what to say.

Bill Adama shuffled into the room, the pallor of his face sending a fresh snake of fear down Lee's spine. He went to his father and took his arm to guide him back to the chair, subtly turning it as he did so, to keep his father from seeing Kara on the monitor.

"I can't believe Cottle let you out like this," Lee muttered under his breath, as Bill settled himself in the chair with a slight groan. Seeing his father so weak, on top of everything else, left him shaken and uncertain of what to say or do.

"Who says he let me out?" Bill growled as he squinted up at his son. The pain etched in Lee's face was more than he could bear. "Lee…" his deep voice was heavy with emotion.

Despite an overwhelming desire to drop down beside his dad and sob away all the tension and emotion that was crushing in on him, Lee turned, stepped away from the Commander and busied himself with tidying up the notes they'd strewn across the map table earlier.

Watching Lee keeping himself busy and avoiding his gaze, Bill found himself thinking back the events that lead up to this current crisis.

--

"… and at eleven hundred hours there was a disturbance in the CAP related to an irregular flight manoeuvre but the CAG disciplined the pilot involved and the rest of the second watch passed uneventfully," Lieutenant Gaeta said quickly, snapping the folder he held shut as he finished briefing the Commander on what had happened while he held the Conn. Awaiting dismissal, he stood at attention in front of the Commander's desk.

"Wait," Bill said, "what was that you said about the CAP?"

"Well, sir, it would appear that Lieutenant Thrace attempted a non-regulation manoeuvre during her rotation in the CAP but Captain Adama dealt with the breach in protocol when she returned to the deck and at no time was the fleet endangered in any way," Gaeta explained quickly, hoping the Commander would be satisfied with his vague description. He sure as hell didn't want to be the one to tell the Commander that the CAG and his star pilot had had yet another shouting match on the deck.

While everyone enjoyed the peace on one level, several weeks without Cylon contact had resulted in tensions on board caused by both boredom and the interminable sense of waiting for the inevitable that built with each passing peaceful day. Starbuck had not taken to the change of pace well and had been picking fights with anyone near her until the Commander had threatened to ground her. After that, she'd started relieving her boredom and tension by pushing her viper as far as she could, trying more and more difficult manoeuvres which resulted in more and more heated "discussions" with the CAG when she returned to the deck.

Everyone knew the Commander sympathized with Starbuck but also that he was getting fed up with her reckless tricks. After her last outing that resulted in two nuggets almost colliding because they were more interested in watching her than their own flight paths, the Commander had been overheard reprimanding the CAG for not maintaining control of his pilots and the last place Gaeta wanted to be was caught in the middle of a three-way battle involving the Adamas and the intimidating Lieutenant Thrace.

Bill watched the young man in front of him patiently. Lieutenant Gaeta was far too disciplined a soldier to actually squirm but years of living and breathing military life had taught the Commander how to recognize an uncomfortable subordinate officer when he saw one. In the past couple of years, Starbuck's behaviour alone had resulted in a countless number of officers who did what they could to avoid giving him fully detailed reports and it looked like this was going to be no exception. Realizing Gaeta wasn't going to fill in the blanks voluntarily, Bill took pity on the dutiful Lieutenant.

Sighing as he absently rubbed at his forehead in an attempt to stave off the headache that was beginning to pound behind his eyes, Bill asked wearily, "Did she hit him again?"

"No sir," Gaeta snapped out, glad to have avoided actually having to describing the incident.

"Is she in hack?" he asked wearily.

"No sir," Gaeta repeated, "last I heard they left the deck still arguing and the CAG hasn't filed his CAP report yet."

Bill nodded, "Thank you Lieutenant, that is all."

Gaeta snapped a quick salute and left the Commander's office quickly before the old man asked him for any more details.

Bill sighed once he was alone again._ I'm going to have to speak to Lee about this._ He thought, _he can't go letting a pilot run roughshod over him, even if it is Starbuck. He's going to have maintain his command and to find a way to control her. _Bill chuckled to himself, not envying his son the task in the least. _Gods help him._

Hours later in CIC, the Commander was wondering where Lee was with his CAP report. _Lee never forgets the paperwork. He must still be fighting with Kara. No, even those two couldn't fight for this long._ With that thought, the Commander felt a flash of worry for his son's safety. Starbuck had sent more than one member of his crew to the Life Station during an argument. Shaking it off, he reassured himself. _Despite their differences, Kara would never seriously hurt Lee._ _She probably just talked him into a conciliatory drink._ Her favourite way to mend fences. But Bill had also seen crew members end up in the Life Station as a result of trying to keep up with Kara downing shots as she 'made peace'. _Perhaps I should be worried about him, after all._

A sudden buzz from the DRADIS monitor broke through his thoughts.

"Sitrep," he snapped out, instantly back on point.

"Fifteen, no make that twenty DRADIS contacts just jumped into range, bearing 625-Karon-283" came the efficient reply from the crewman serving at the tactical station.

"Cylon?"

"No colonial transponders detected," the crewman paused briefly to check his monitors before replying urgently, "Yes sir, confirmed Cylon attack."

"Give me the CAP and set action stations one throughout the fleet, " Commander Adama calmly ordered, reaching for the wireless handset.

'_Action stations, action stations. Set condition one throughout the ship. This is not a drill'_ Dualla's voice echoed throughout the battlestar as klaxons sounded and lights flashed.

After instructing the CAP to engage the raiders, weapons free, Bill asked the Dualla to get the CAG on the comm.

'_Captain Adama, contact CIC. All hands pass the word to Captain Adama to contact CIC," _Dualla's voice intoned over the ship wide PA.

Everyone in the Command Centre kept their eyes glued to the icons on the large DRADIS monitor, watching as the green markers of their vipers slowly inched their way towards the red markers that denoted the Cylon raiders.

"I have Captain Adama for you , Sir." Dualla announced after a moment.

Picking up the receiver once again, Bill quickly explained the situation to Lee and issued his orders for deployment of the alert vipers to support the CAP.

"And Captain? Send Lieutenant Thrace out in the blackbird, I want to see what _Laura_ can do in a real combat situation."

"Sir? I don't think that Starbu-" a hint of anger overshadowed the Captain's normally formal tone before the Commander cut him off abruptly.

"I don't care what's been going on between you two," Bill snapped, "I need to get a better understanding of what that ship is capable of doing and unless you can think of some reason as to why our best pilot cannot fly at the moment, I don't want to hear whatever else you might think of this order."

"Yes, Sir," Lee snapped out quickly. "Is that all, Sir?"

"That is all. Good hunting, Captain."

"Thank you, Sir."

Commander Adama quickly informed the other pilots in the air that the blackbird was going to be joining them on the field, reminding them that they wouldn't see Starbuck on their DRADIS displays and cautioning them to watch where they sent any stray rounds.

Watching the icons on his DRADIS monitor, Bill absently listened to the chatter of the pilots. He had worried the break in attacks might have dulled their reflexes or undermined their discipline but he was pleased to see a textbook defensive battle playing out in front of him. _Lee's done a good job with them, _he thought to himself.

It was textbook, that is, until a raider disappeared with no Colonial viper anywhere near it. A millisecond later, Starbuck's exuberant cries reverberated over the wireless,

"Yeeeeeeeee-aaaahhhhhh! Take that you frakkin' pile of scrap!"

"Starbuck, Galactica Actual," Bill said over his wireless handset. "How's the new ride?"

"As graceful as her namesake, Sir, and twice as sneaky, " Starbuck's voice carried her mile-wide grin right into the Command Centre. "That toaster never had any idea I was there until I sent a volley straight up its tailpipe. Kaaaaaaaaa-boom!" she finished with a shout.

"Starbuck, that's good to hear and I'll be sure to pass your compliment on to the President. But for future reference, Lieutenant, the President is not sneaky, she is discrete," Bill chuckled, knowing that Kara had meant it as a compliment. _It's good to hear that energy back in her voice_. "You call the ball here, Lieutenant, you're cleared to engage as you will, free from formation." Without hesitation, the Commander gave her free reign to stretch both the limits of her considerable talent and those of her new plane, "Give it all you've got, Starbuck, let's see just what that bird is capable of."

"Wilco that, Actual. You know me, I'd rather stick to protocol but if you're going to insist, I suppose I could try out some new moves."

He could almost hear her winking at him from her cockpit.

_Gods, I missed Starbuck_, Bill said to himself, thinking of the difference between this version of Kara and the petulant, moody and aggressive Lieutenant who'd he'd had to call into his office for verbal reprimands more times than he wanted to remember over the past few weeks.

Kara's voice echoed over the wireless again, her tone dripping with condescension, "Ok, nuggets and other lesser mortals, give me some space out here," she commanded the rest of the viper pilots. "I'm going to take the five sparrows out on the right flank, no one else fires on them without checking with me first, got it?" she snarled. "Apollo, you wanna come along for the _ride_?" Kara turned the last word into a sarcastic slight that carried more animosity than usual towards her C.O.

Bill tensed, waiting for Lee to rise to her bait. _That must have been some fight._

"Sure thing, Starbuck. I always have your back, you know that." Apollo answered seriously, uncharacteristically ignoring her jab.

Bill furrowed his eyebrows. There was an undercurrent of tension in Lee's voice but the Commander couldn't guess at what was really being said in the banter between the two pilots.

"I never said anything about needing you on my six," Kara huffed, angrily. "I just need some fresh meat to use as bait and figured your _rusty stick_ could use the work out. Think you can keep them busy while I sneak around and do the all the work?" She didn't pause long enough to let him answer the question before she added more soberly, "It'll be on you to make sure the fleet's protected in case by some miracle one of these frakkers gets by me. This is a test ride, after all, and as much as I trust the Chief with anything to do with a viper, we still don't know if this bird can stand up to the Starbuck treatment. So just stay out of my way and who knows, you might even learn a thing or two."

"Wilco that, Starbuck." Apollo answered evenly, "I'll do my best to keep all five engaged."

Bill noticed that Lee didn't even hesitate to put his life in Kara's hands, trusting her to use him as bait while she tested out the new plane. Whatever went on between the Lee and Kara on the battlestar, whatever unsaid messages were silently carried in their bickering over the wireless, in the air it was just Starbuck and Apollo and there was never any question of their partnership. As well as they flew together, though, it was still a testament to Kara's uncertainty of the new plane that she, in her backhanded way, actually asked Lee to be her backup as she tested how far she could push the machine. Bill knew that if the plane had any flaws, she would push it until she found them.

"Apollo, Galactica Actual."

"Go ahead Actual."

"I want to know exactly what that blackbird can do. Do what you can to keep Starbuck on your gun camera and switch over to Gamma frequency to give me a running commentary on what she's doing without interfering with the rest of the wireless comm."

"Yes Sir, switching channels now."

"Starbuck? Actual. Did you get that? Switch over to Gamma on your wireless if you need Apollo."

"Aye Sir. Can I go play now?"

"Yes, you may," he smiled, "good hunting, Lieutenant."

Watching the single green marker of Apollo's viper peel away from the rest of the fleet of vipers, Bill nodded to Dualla to switch his wireless channel.

While Bill kept one eye on the rest of the viper squadrons as they took on the fifteen other raiders, most of his focus was on the Apollo's plane and Starbuck's five targets. During the first three kills Apollo described Starbuck playing chicken, moving closer and closer to the targets before taking them out as he ducked and rolled, herding the enemy crafts away from the larger battle and the fleet of Colonial ships.

"Ok, Apollo, see if you can put a little distance between yourself and our two remaining buddies," Starbuck directed.

"Wilco that."

There was silence over the wireless for a moment.

"FRAK!" Apollo's hoarse shout echoed around the CIC, "What the _frak _was that Starbuck? Cutting it a little close, don't you think?"

Starbuck's chuckles answered his desperate shouting, "Thought I'd check just how much these frakking Cyclops can actually see. Turns out – not much."

"Well, couldn't you have done it without practically taking off my tail?"

"Aww come on, Apollo, that wouldn't be nearly as fun and besides I wasn't even close to your tail, _that time_," Starbuck sniped. "I would never do anything to risk damaging that pretty little ass of yours," an edge of sarcasm undercutting what was usually friendly ribbing had Bill again wondering what had gone on since the two pilots had returned from their shift on CAP.

"Just leave my ass out of your little air show out here, ok Lieutenant? I for one would like to return to the barn in once piece, thank you very much."

"Whatever you say, Sir."

"Apollo, Actual. What's going on up there?"

"Sorry, Sir, I was momentarily distracted. It would appear that the bird isn't picked up by the raiders' visual tracking -GODS, STARBUCK! Are you trying to kill us both??" Apollo's report was cut off by another cry of shock tinged this time with anxiety. He cursed under his breath, "You're a frakking maniac. Actual, Starbuck has successfully attempted every type of full stop, drop, roll, cut, climb, vert, invert and revert in the book. It looks like the blackbird can handle any manoeuvre a standard viper can manage," Apollo clipped out.

"She handles like a dream, Commander. Tell Tyrol he did good!" Not satisfied with Apollo's functional description of her experience, Starbuck added her own two cents.

"Apollo, keep cutting back and forth until my mark and then hold as straight a course as you can, letting our friends get as close to you as possible. I'm going to try to get close enough to test out a theory of mine."

"What theory?" he demanded quickly.

"Gimme a sec," she stalled. "Ok, five, four, three, two, _mark_! Hold that course!"

"What are you going to do, Starbuck? Actual, she's in my twelve-strike my last, she's dropped down and away from my trajectory-I've lost visual contact." Apollo called rapidly. "Starbuck! Where the frak are you?"

"Just hold that course, Apollo," Starbuck grunted, obviously exerting herself with whatever manoeuvre she was attempting now.

"These shots are getting a little close for comfort, how long Starbuck?" Apollo asked.

"Hold that course!"

"I am, godsdamn it but it's getting a little tight. Where are you Starbuck?... Starbuck?... STARBUCK!"

"Shut up, Apollo!" Kara ground out.

There was silence over the wireless for a few moments broken at last by the sound of a single shot being fired.

"YEAH! That's four out of five Commander!"

"Actual here, what was that?"

"I couldn't see for sure, Sir, but I think Starbuck found a weak spot in the Raider's armour and took it out with one shot," Apollo's voice was ripe with relief.

"Trying to steal my thunder, eh Apollo?" Starbuck chided. "He's right Sir. I found the spot working on my Raider but couldn't test it until now because I couldn't get close enough without the toasters taking aggressive evasive action. Looks like one good shot aimed up and under it's chin will take the whole damn bird out. One more left, how are you holding up there, Apollo? Need a clean pair of shorts?"

"Don't you worry about me and my shorts, Starbuck. What do you have in mind for our last little metal friend here?"

"Something sorta like that last one, ready? Five, four-"

"Wait, this one's a lot closer than last time I-"

"You can do this, Apollo," Starbuck's voice was low and reassuring, all hint of sarcasm had evidently vanished upon the sound of the anxiety building in Apollo's voice. "Evade its shots but hold that linear course – three, two, _mark_!" she cried.

"Actual, Apollo. Starbuck was in my twelve but she's cut away, upwards from my trajectory this time," Apollo reported, his voice tense once again. "She's curving up and back in a steady arch. Ah, I've lost visual contact again."

A moment passed, grunting and exhalations from Apollo came over the wireless as he attempted to evade the raider's shots without taking it off the course Starbuck asked him to hold.

"Starbuck?" Apollo called tentatively.

"Hang on, I'm doing another pass."

"You missed??" Apollo's disbelief burst out across the transmission. "Frak, come on Starbuck! My ass is hanging pretty far out there on this one." Apollo shot out quickly, his breathing becoming laboured with the exertion of the tight flying.

"Come on, Starbuck, where are you?" he muttered.

"Hang on, Apollo," she snapped.

"Come on, come one," he repeated under his breath. "Come on-FRAK! That shot was close, too close. Where are you at Starbuck?"

"I'm coming back again!"

"WHAT? You missed it again??" he shouted breathlessly, "Toss your frakking theory and just take it out! I don't know how long I can hold this course without taking a shot up the tail end!"

"Hang on Apollo, I'm almost there!"

"Starbuck, I can't hold this. I gotta pull away!"

"No! I'm almost there. I can see you, you're ok-ROLL RIGHT!" she ordered urgently.

"Thanks," Apollo grunted as he automatically followed her instruction and made the small evasion without hesitation. "How long, Starbuck?" desperation was edging his voice.

"Twenty seconds. LEFT! Good. AGAIN!" Starbuck shouted before returning to her calm tone, "Fifteen."

Pause.

"Starbuck?" the CAG's voice echoed off the walls of the silent CIC.

"Almost there, Lee, hold on. Ten seconds."

"FRAK! Come on, Kara!" Lee shouted as he heard shots being fired from Kara's end of the wireless feed.

"Five seconds."

More shots.

"STARBUCK! WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"Revert on my mark . Four…Three…"

"WHAT!? ITS PRACTICALLY SITTING ON MY TAILPIECE!"

"Two."

"KARA!"

"MARK! _NOW_ LEE!" she yelled furiously.

There was a strangled grunt as Apollo fought against his viper's momentum and flipped the bird end over end to face back the way he'd just flown. He gasped sharply before his breath burst out in a strangled laugh,

"Frak you Starbuck, that is _NOT_ funny!"

"Oh come on Apollo," she laughed before echoing his words in a taunting falsetto, " 'He's practically sitting on my tailpiece! Oh Save me, Starbuck, save me!' " she sang.

"Frak off," Apollo laughed breathlessly. "Actual? Apollo here. Starbuck has disabled the last of the raiders, do you want to send a raptor out to tow it in or should we take it out, out here?"

"If you're sure it's disabled, we'll bring it in. Since Kara left her first pet back on Caprica, Tyrol can pick up where he left off with this one," the Commander let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Everyone still in one piece up there?"

"Yes Sir," Bill could hear Lee trying not to laugh as he responded, "Lieutenant Thrace thought it would be fun to disable the toaster and have me revert suddenly to find myself practically nose to nose with it. And now she's…. Oh frak me! Come _ON_ Starbuck!" he cried.

"What? I'm not doing anything!"

"Seriously, we don't know what it can still do. Get out of there!"

"What's going on?" Bill demanded.

"Lieutenant Thrace is currently sitting in her cockpit inverted and hanging about ten feet above the disabled raider which is still, uhm, alive, as far as I can tell."

"I told you, Commander, she handles like a dream!" the glee in her voice spread across the command centre as the crew broke into relieved grins.

"Yeah, yeah, we all get it. You fly real good, Thrace," Lee's voice carried the usual light mocking that characterized most of the Apollo-Starbuck chatter between their vipers.

"Say it, Apollo," she countered.

"Say what?"

"You know what."

"Come on, Starbuck, don't be stupid."

"Say it, Adama, or I'll get even closer to our chrome friend here."

"I'm not saying anything until you get away from there Thrace."

_Gods, they're both stubborn as Picon mares,_ Bill thought as he listened to them bicker.

"Kara, gods! Be careful! Actual, she's about five feet above the raider now, wanna give me a hand in this?"

Bill stood silent. Lee had not attempted to order Kara to obey him and unless she was explicitly insubordinate, he wasn't going to intervene. The CAG had to learn how to deal with his pilot on his own. He needed to find away to sort out the complicated mess that Lee and Kara called a friendship so that Captain Adama and Lieutenant Thrace could get through a shift together.

"Say it." she sang out mockingly.

"Ok, ok," Lee laughed. "You're the… craziest damn pilot who ever flew a viper." Lee laughed as Kara gasped in mock horror at how he ended the sentence.

"Kara, I mean it, be careful!" The teasing fell away from Lee's voice to be replaced with concern and a hint of frustration.

Bill blinked when he saw the red enemy contact icon vanish suddenly from the DRADIS screen, leaving Apollo's green icon alone out on their starboard flank.

A sudden cry sent a shiver of fear down the Commander's spine, "Kara? Where are you? Quit frakking around! KARA!?"

"Commander, it looks like the raider jumped away," the tactical officer called quietly across the room, his voice carrying through the silence that had enveloped the room at the sound of Apollo's cry.

"KARA? I mean it! This is _NOT FUNNY_! Come on out!" Lee was yelling into his headset. The sound of his flightsuit rustling as he frantically swung back and forth to peer out of his canopy traveled over the wireless along with the desperation in his voice.

"Actual?" Lee's voice caught as he called to his father, "Do you have a read on Starbuck?"

"Negative. The blackbird doesn't show up on DRADIS." Bill frowned, _Lee knows that. _So why was he asking? It's not like she could just vanish even if the raider jumped away. "What's happening up there Apollo?" he asked sharply, worry starting to gnaw at his gut.

"She's gone, Sir. She's just – gone? I don't kn.." Lee trailed off, confusion sliding in to mix with the fear and desperation of his tone. "Kara? Starbuck?!" He called before dropping his tone again, "She was here and now she's gone. I don't know where she went, I mean, she was right here and I was just looking at her. I would have seen her go if she flew away. The raider jumped and now she's just go--"

Bill could hear the panic setting into Lee's voice and he cut him off, hoping refocus the young man. "She can't have vanished," he said tersely. "Maybe the disruption of the raider's jump knocked the blackbird away?"

"No. No. I was looking right at her and then she was gone. Just _gone_…" the empty grief carried in that word sliced through Bill's heart. He knew then that something was indeed very wrong. Kara had not just slipped off as a prank this time.

"Come on Kara. Come on…" Lee begged under his breath.

In the CIC, they watched the green icon of Apollo's viper move slowly around the last coordinates of the raider, searching for his wingman.

"Come Kara," Lee whispered desperately. They heard the sound of him striking something in his cockpit, "Gods _DAMN_ it Kara! Where are you??" he shouted.

Bill quietly ordered Dualla to send the search and rescue raptor to look for Starbuck.

"KARA?" Lee called. His voice rose as if she was just out of earshot and would come running back to him once she heard his call, "_KARA?... KARA?... KARA!!_" Apollo's desperate scream echoed across the silent Conn.

--

_I know, I know, Kara's still stuck there on the Astral Queen but I promise you I'll get back to her soon. I wrote this chapter because I know a bunch of you wanted to see more of Bill and I wanted to get some of the antecedent events out of the way so we can move ahead with the rest of the story. Do you hate me for that? Are you going to give up on me if I don't get on with it soon? Let me know, feedback fuels the muse and I promise, I'll take your requests/ideas into account as I pound out the next couple of chapters.  
_

_So that was my first action/dogfight sequence, what do you think? I know I kind of copped out by not talking about it from the pilot's POV but I liked the idea of seeing it from Bill's eyes as he sat with his hands tied in CIC. Was it too slow? Too vague? Not enough description?_

_If you'll indulge my newbie-ness for a moment, I don't mean to be fishing for reviews, but I'm confused about something. My previous chapters have hundreds of hits but few reviews, is this normal in fandom? As I've said, this is my first fic and I don't know how all this usually works but if you're enjoying the story and want to see more, please let me know. I'm starting to worry that the story sucks but no one wants to actually tell me. Am I worrying needlessly? Is this how it normally goes? I apologize if this sounds really pathetic but I'm a perpetual student and I have trouble functioning without feedback.  
_

_That being said, if you have sent me a review, THANK YOU!! You've kept me motivated and are bolstering my failing confidence so please don't desert me now!_


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Just wanted to say a quick thanks to all my reviewers whose continual support and encouragement has been truly wonderful as well as to those of you who aren't reviewing but keep coming back to read the latest installments-seeing the hits accumulate for each chapter has also been very encouraging!_

_WARNING: More dark and twisted stuff in this chapter but I promise the story won't stay this dark._

* * *

Chapter 9

After the SAR raptor confirmed that the blackbird was not located anywhere near Lee's Viper and there was no sign of ejection, Bill had ordered the CAG to return to the battlestar and had been waiting on the flightdeck when Lee returned to the Galactica. One look at his son's face had confirmed the older Adama's concerns.

He'd heard and felt the fear, panic and desperation in his son's voice over the wireless but it was a cool, calm and decidedly stiff Lee who emerged from the cockpit of his own old viper. Watching his son climb down the ladder to stand at attention before him, the Commander had recognised the look on Lee's face; the look he'd worn often as a child. Since he'd been a toddler, Lee would withdraw into himself when something was bothering him and no one but his mother was ever able to open him back up again. Bill had always been a little jealous of the bond Carolanne had with their oldest son and after that particular raid, more than ever, he wished he could connect with Lee the way she had been able to.

Struggling with his own grief over the loss of Kara, he'd tried to talk to Lee but had been shut out time and time again. Even after he'd recently ended up in the Life Station, Lee had kept his distance; keeping his visits short and infrequent. The Commander had known his son was in pain, he had a good hunch that Lee was mourning the loss of more than just a friend and fellow pilot, but the young man seemed hell bent on dealing with his grief on his own.

As the days had gone by, Bill had watched helplessly as Lee grew thin and pale, the tortured look in his eyes emphasized by the steadily darkening circles under them. Bill had been truly afraid he was going to lose his other son but he hadn't known what do to; he hadn't known what to say to soothe away the pain that had entrenched itself so deeply in Lee's eyes. He had failed his son once again and had been certain that despite Lee's strength and will, it was only a matter of time before he lost the battle and gave up. Bill knew that a viper pilot who'd lost his will to live was certain to make a fatal error sooner, rather than later, and he'd been contemplating asking Tigh to find an excuse to ground Lee.

But now Kara was back, or almost back, and it appeared as if the miracle he'd been hoping for had finally come. Reading between the lines of the President's intentionally vague sit-rep, however, Bill had realized that Kara was in serious trouble. She was hurt or sick, or both, and apparently their only hope at a rescue operation left a lot to be desired by way of certainty. The elation the Commander had felt when he first heard the news that Starbuck was found had quickly turned to a combination of icy fear and vicious anger.

News of what was happening on the Astral Queen, however vague Laura tried to be, had him shaking with fury. Sitting beside his bed in the Life Station, she had tiptoed around the specifics but he knew what happened when a young woman was left alone with a ship full of men, let alone ex-cons, for weeks on end. He swore on every god he could name that he would personally visit their justice on each and every man who'd laid so much as s finger on his girl. Images of the bloody mess that would be Tom Zarek's face after he'd finished with him had flashed before his eyes.

The concerned expression on the President's face had pulled him out of his rage. Taking several deep breaths, he'd eventually been able to block out all thoughts of what Kara had been through during her absence and had been able to set aside his anger to be dealt with another time; Zarek _would _feel Bill's vengeance before he faced whatever other formal measures of justice the President wanted to hand out. The cold fear, however, was something he couldn't shake. He was deeply afraid for Kara but also for Lee who'd barely survived losing her once. Bill didn't think even the great Apollo had the strength to make it through losing Starbuck again.

--

Watching his son move restlessly around the War Room, putting the room to rights, Bill sighed. It wouldn't be easy but he had to do something.

"Lee," the Commander tried again. "Come here son," he said gently. _Please, let me in. Let me carry some of your pain._

Unable to stop himself, Lee returned to stand in front of his father.

Suddenly it wasn't the decorated and accomplished Captain Adama standing in front of him, it was his little boy, his Lee. All Bill wanted to do was scoop the boy into his lap, to cuddle him and let him cry until all of his pain was washed away. Knowing that he hadn't done that enough when he could and that now, as a man, his son was paying the price for his shortcomings as a father added to the weight on Bill's shoulders. _Gods, I'm so sorry son._

"Lee, the president told me about Kara."

Hearing her name spoken so softly, with such deep sadness, Lee felt something in his chest loosen and he blinked quickly, fighting back tears that threatened to drown him.

"Son, you have to promise me you won't go back on your word and try to join Helo on this mission." _Promise me you won't kill yourself trying to save her. Promise me you won't throw your life away because you can't live without her._

Despite what Lee had thought for years, his father did know him and knew him well. Before the Commander had come in, Lee had been thinking about how he could join the mission at the last minute and not give the XO the chance to disagree. He had convinced himself that the President's concerns were unwarranted, that by the time Zarek realized he wasn't there to 'negotiate', they would have Kara safely back on the raptor. "But Sir, if anyone can pilot that raptor- "

"The success of this mission does not rest on the pilot's skill." The Commander shook his head, cutting Lee off mid-argument, "You have your orders, Captain, and you _will _follow them." Bill winced at the harsh tone he hadn't meant to use._ No, I'm sorry. That's not what I meant Lee. Gods damn it, why do I always do that? _

"I'm not here only as your commanding officer, Lee," he went on, more gently, "I'm also here as your father and, as both, I know that _you_ are both a good man and a good officer. I know you would not take the decision to disobey the XO lightly and that you take your duty to the fleet seriously."

"But sir," Lee's face flushed with anger, "Kara is part of the fleet. She's _my_ pilot. As CAG I have a duty to-"

"Son, we both know this isn't about your responsibilities as a soldier. What I was going to say was that this is about you choosing between your duty to your fleet and your duty to those you care about," Bill paused as Lee's eyes flashed up to meet his.

Seeing a look of shocked acknowledgement flit briefly across Lee's face before his son regained control, the Commander went on, "Perhaps better than anyone on board this ship you understand that duty to the fleet can often come between an officer and those he cares about. I know that you have been paying the price for my sense of duty your whole life and for that, I am deeply sorry."

He gazed up at his son through his wire-rimmed spectacles and for once didn't try to hide the tears that filled his eyes, the guilt of his past weighing heavily on his heart, "But I am going to be selfish once again and ask for something I don't deserve: I'm asking you to consider _me_ in your decision."

Lee looked at him in confusion.

"When the Cylons attacked the Colonies, I…" Bill paused and cleared his throat, struggling to overcome the wave of emotion that had surged through him. _It shouldn't be this hard to talk to my own son. _He gazed down at his hands and took a deep breath before looking back up to squarely meet Lee's gaze, "Before the attacks, there were two people left in this entire universe that I loved, Lee. And by some miracle, when everyone else lost everything they'd ever had, I managed to end up with all I'd ever wanted. I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a blessing but… When I thought I lost Kara, it nearly tore me apart. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you too."

The Commander let his tears fall. For years he'd kept how he really felt about his boys to himself and it had almost cost him both sons. Working and living with Lee these past few months had been more than he could have asked for, despite the circumstances, and he couldn't imagine going on without him. He reached out his hand to his son once again, seeing the young man's pain and, like any parent, wanting to do what ever he could to lessen his child's burden. He held his son's calloused hand in his, marvelling that its fine bones still felt so small in his large palm, "As much as you want to go, they don't need you. Helo can do this as well as anyone and _I_ need you here."

Lee gazed at his father. The pain and grief etched so deeply in the pale and weathered face made his breath catch in his chest. He felt as if his heart were being wrenched in half. The old anger had flared up again when his father spoke about his childhood but looking at him now, he couldn't ignore all that they'd built between them since the attack on the Colonies. He desperately wanted to turn his back on the Commander, tell him it was too late and follow his instinct to go to Kara but he couldn't bear the thought of leaving the old man here alone. Besides, as much as he hated to admit it, Lee knew the Commander was right. He knew that Helo stood just as much chance as he did of successfully completing this mission, if not more.

_He's not a frakking emotional mess. A viper pilot maintains control. An officer keeps his emotions in check. A man does not show weakness. So what the frak does that make me? Another frak-up like Kara? Or worse, useless emotional cripple who can't get the job done? _

A tangled wave of emotions coursed through Lee, constricting his chest. He struggled to breathe. Anger, grief, fear, shame, love, duty, he couldn't tell one feeling from another. The dam he'd so carefully been constructing and reinforcing all these weeks was finally giving way, Lee could feel it slipping, and the weight of the emotions trapped behind it was threatening to crush him.

Bill watched the storm raging in Lee's eyes. He waited.

"Dad…" Lee's voice was choked with feeling, "I… I know you're right, I just..."

They were interrupted by the buzz of the comm. unit.

Lee snatched the receiver up, clearing his throat as he stared at the wall above his father's head, "Adama." He listened for a moment, a look of relief breaking across his face, "Great! Have you contacted Helo?" He paused, listening, "Ok, thank you Colonel."

He hung up the receiver and turned back to his father, "That was the XO, apparently Gaeta was able to merge the software and is working on the jump coordinates. The Queen is orbiting Kobol at a steady pace and we already have the jump coordinates stored in the hard drive so calculating the last minute jump should be relatively straight forward," Lee paused. He'd slipped back into duty mode and was relieved to realize that the crush of emotions had backed off slightly. He could breathe again.

The intensity of what he was feeling may have lessened but the young man still felt torn between protecting his father from more grief and needing to do something for Kara. Zarek had been half right, he was a man of action and knowing that she was out there, hurting and alone and that he could do nothing to help her brought a deep aching to his chest. _Suck it up, Apollo, you know what you have to do,_ Lee thought to himself. A man of action he may be but Lee Adama was also a practical and responsible officer and he couldn't ignore the fact that his father was right; that it really was in everyone's best interest for him to stay behind on the battlestar. Finding a way to get himself on that raptor would be nothing less than a senseless and selfish act.

_Frak. _Lee sighed, he couldn't turn his back on his responsibilities to his father and his fleet, no matter how much it hurt him, "It looks like Helo might just get a chance to show off his chops after all," he said lightly with an forced attempt at a grin, searching for a way to step back from the intensity of their conversation.

Bill smiled, the look of relief on his son's face lifting his spirits almost as much as what he was saying, "That's great news, Captain."

He gave Lee's arm a squeeze, "Great news. Now, why don't you give me the sit-rep on our pilot?" he said, jerking his thumb towards the monitor over his shoulder.

"What? Sir, I don't think - "

"Don't get me wrong, Lee, I don't want to see it. I… I can't see her like that. But tell me, does she look alright to you?" He gazed up intently at his son, squinting slightly.

Lee sighed as he looked at the monitor once again. Kara was still curled in the middle of the room, still speaking to the camera. _What are you saying Kara?_ Wanting to give his father a thorough report, he took a closer look at her, tamping down the emotion that rose in him once again as he confronted the reality of what Zarek and his men had done to her.

She was still talking, still looking at the camera but her eyes were partially closed. She looked exhausted and while he watched, she slowly stopped talking and her eyes fluttered shut. Her face relaxed, the grimace of pain slowly fading away as she fell asleep, or lost consciousness, he couldn't tell which. She looked peaceful, beneath the blood and bruises. He waited anxiously to see if she was still breathing. Even with the grainy feed he was able to see her chest rise and fall. She must be having trouble breathing if he could see it from here. _Oh Kara. _Once again, he felt his heart reaching out for her, aching for her.

"Lee?"

"She uh, well, she's lost weight and taken quite a beatin-" his voice broke and he had to take a deep breath before continuing, "Ahem, I would appear that her left hand and several fingers on it are broken. I think her knee is in bad shape too and…" he faltered, looking down at his father's expectant face, "She uhm, well, she's still fighting them." This time his terse grin wasn't forced. He was proud of her and glad to know that Starbuck was still there, despite whatever those animals may have done to Kara.

"That's our girl." his father said proudly, echoing Lee's sentiments. "Did I ever tell you about the time she took the Raptor down to Distrail Five without permission?"

Lee shook his head and leaned back against the table, glad for a moment to be distracted from the thoughts and feelings racing through his mind. They traded Starbuck stories until the hatch to the War Room opened again and Helo came rushing in with a handful of marines following him.

--

Half an hour later, Lee was alone once again with his father in the War Room, waiting as the final preparations were being made for the mission.

A handful of marines had volunteered to join Helo on his mission to the Astral Queen. As their Sergeant explained, Starbuck had risked her life to save theirs during a training mission that went awry a few years ago and they were anxious to return the favour. Colonel Tigh had tried to argue against them going, sparking off a shouting match between himself, Lee, Helo and the Sergeant. The Commander had seen the determination in the Sergeant's eyes, however, and had managed to convince the XO that the mission should be designated 'two alpha'. Six marines had instantly volunteered for the mission, along with their Sergeant.

A secondary plan to deal with Zarek and his crew, immediately after the extraction of Starbuck, was laid out with a fleet of raptors and vipers prepared to jump to Kobol and hold the Astral Queen there until the president and the Quorum were ready to deal with them. Without hesitation, the Commander had agreed with Tigh that the fighters would be given the order to fire at will if the prisoner transport started to spool their FTL drive or make any other attempt to flee. There was no way these men were going to escape punishment for what they'd done.

After the discussion, Bill had updated the president via the comm. unit and now father and son were just waiting for word that the preparations were complete and the raptor would be launching. Lee watched Kara on the monitor as she lay there in that small cell. Somehow, just knowing where she was after all that time of not knowing, of wondering and hopelessly waiting, comforted him. He turned to his father, about to speak, but found the older man dozing in the chair with his chin resting gently on his chest. Lee let him sleep. He'd never seen his father looking so tired, so worn out. _Today, he looks like an old man. _

Lee probably would have laughed if he'd know that his father had been thinking the same thing about him just before he drifted off to sleep: that he'd never seen Lee looking so worn and that the once baby faced pilot had finally started to show his age.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, Lee tensed. Any minute now another one of those animals would be allowed into Kara's room. He knew that once they launched the Raptor, it should take Helo and the marines about half an hour to get to her and get her back to the Raptor. If the jump was successful, that is, not to mention the possibility of a confrontation with Zarek's men.

He turned back to Kara, watching her carefully. Right before the jump, Dee was going to try to fry the video surveillance software on the Astral Queen so that Zarek wouldn't see the rescue party arrive. She'd figured out a way to send a virus over the wireless link and while they couldn't guarantee Zarek wouldn't blame them, it would look like they simply had a short in the system. The risk that Zarek might take it out on Kara twisted in Lee's gut but he also knew that leaving the cameras intact would greatly increase the chance that Zarek or one of his crew would see the Raptor arrive and… and… he couldn't finish that thought.

They were pulling for the hard six with this mission and the thought that it was just the type of crazy scheme that Kara herself would have come up with almost brought a smile to Lee's face. Almost. They were doing this without her famous Starbuck luck and he tried very hard not to think about all the things that could go wrong. So he just sat and continued to watch Kara, knowing that any minute now their connection would be severed and that he'd be without her again, waiting in agony until the Raptor jumped back to their system. _If it even makes it back_.

The comm. unit buzzed, the sudden noise tearing through the comfortable quiet of the room, making Lee jump. He snatched up the handset, "Adama."

"Captain, Zarek is on the line requesting to speak with you."

_Frak_.

"Uh, yeah, Dee can put him through to this line? Tell him I'm meeting with my father and the president. Wait, any word on Helo's launch time?"

"I already told him that, Sir, as an excuse for you not being in CIC," she replied efficiently. "As for Helo's raptor, it looks like they'll be ready to launch in approximately five minutes. I can patch the signal through to you when you're ready."

"Ok." _Five minutes_. He looked back at Kara. Five minutes until the launch, about five more until the jump and probably about another ten or more until Helo would get to her. _Hang on Kara. We're coming, just hang on, _he begged silently.

"I'll do my best to keep Zarek on the line and keep him distracted, will your virus disrupt my contact with him?"

"No Sir, it shouldn't. It should only effect the video signal channels."

"Good, put him through."

"Yes Sir."

Lee heard a click and then static before he heard Zarek's voice.

"Captain?"

"I'm here, Zarek."

"Well now Lee, you've had some time to talk to your people and I hear that our little visitor isn't feeling all that well. Have you reached any kind of decision about my requests? I'm not sure how much more time your _Kara_ is going to give you."

Bill watched his son's face tighten as his free hand balled into a fist. The buzz from the comm. had wakened him but he hadn't stirred, not wanting to distract Lee. He saw his son's eyes darken as he looked towards the monitor. Unable to help himself, the Commander turned to follow his gaze. Three of Zarek's men had entered Kara's cell. They approached her still form, grinning at each other. The smallest of the three held a bottle of some kind of liquid but Bill couldn't make out the label.

The sight of the blood and bruises on Kara's face made Bill's blood run cold. She looked so pale and fragile lying there alone. _Gods, hang in there girl. We're coming_, he thought urgently. Watching the three men approach her, he felt a horrific wave of helplessness wash through him, fanning the flames of the anger that had flared back up in full force. His ears buzzed with rage and he desperately wanted to hit something, someone, anyone, for letting this happen to her. _We should have found her, we should have gotten to them sooner, we shouldn't have given up looking. I should have- _He ruthlessly cut off that train off thought._ Not now, not yet, just focus on the op._ He took a shaky breath, and brought himself back to reality, tearing his eyes away from the monitor to watch Lee.

"Can you see my men, Captain?" Zarek's mocking tone rang in Lee's ears as he stood frozen, watching one of the men as he grabbed Kara roughly and spun her over to lie on her back. Her eyes snapped open at his touch, a look of terror streaking across her face. _Gods, she didn't hear them come in_, Lee thought, closing his eyes momentarily, trying to push the image of her terror stricken face from his mind.

The man who had grabbed her knelt by her head, pinning her shoulders to the ground. Lee could see her lips moving once again, she appeared to be yelling at the other men. He could see the terror still in her eyes despite what looked like a sneer on her lips.

"I take it from your silence that you do, " Zarek chuckled. "Tyric there is carrying a bottle of sylantic acid."

As if on cue, the smallest of the men waved the bottle and an eye dropper in front of Kara's face. Although Lee would not have thought it possible, her face went even more pale. She spat at the man and attempted to claw at her captor with her good hand. The third man stepped in and unzipped her flightsuit to her waist, exposing her naked chest underneath. She kicked at him but a swift boot to her ribs from Tyric put an end to her efforts. It looked like she was struggling just to breathe. The third man quickly stepped in to pin down her feet. Kara winced as he jerked her bad leg straight.

"Wait, Zarek, I've been speaking with the Quorum and - "

"No you wait, Captain," the voice on the other end of the line snapped angrily, "My men have their orders. They are to start using that acid on Lt. Trace's chest and arms. If I am not happy with our conversation at any time, they will move up to her face. If I end our conversation under the belief that you are not honestly working to give me what I want, I will order them to use it first on one eye and then the other. I am not playing games and I am not toying with you, _Captain_." Zarek's voice rose and reverberated with manic energy, "I need that fuel and I _will_ get it or you _will_ lose your pilot. Do you understand me?"

Lee nodded, struggling to find his voice as Tyric dropped the first few drops of the acid on Kara's chest. He couldn't hear her scream but the anguish on her face and the contortions of her body cut straight to his heart. Trying to focus on the man on the other end of the wireless, Lee once again was struck by the sense that something was off with Zarek.

There was something sinister in his voice, a coldness that Lee couldn't remember hearing before, even when he'd been held hostage on the Astral Queen himself. There was a desperation under Zarek's anger but that didn't account for what Lee was sensing. If Zarek was desperate enough for it to show while negotiating with "the enemy" they must be getting pretty low on fuel and other supplies._ But then why did they wait so long to contact us? Why hold Kara there for weeks if he knew she was such a good bargaining chip?_

"Captain?" Zarek's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Yes, yes. I understand you," Lee said, fighting to keep his voice even as his eyes drifted back to the monitor. The grin on the face of the man holding the eye-dropper was a sickening mirror of Kara's battered face twisted in anguish. _You frakking monste_r_!_ He screamed in his head. _When we get Kara back here safely, I'm going to tear your face off with my bare hands!_ _Breathe Lee. Breathe and make him think you feel optimistic. _"And I am happy to report that I've made some headway with the Quorum."

His mind was racing. _Calm down. Play this carefully_, he warned himself. _Keep it reasonable_.

"Some of the civilian population was not pleased with the president's decision to cut all ties with the Astral Queen and it appears that some of the Quorum members have been feeling a lot of pressure from their people to re-establish contact."

"Really?" Zarek sounded surprised.

_Careful now, don't oversell it_. Needing to stay perfectly focused, he turned away from the monitor, away from that awful smile and the image of the man teasingly holding that dropper over Kara's bare skin. "Yes well, you might not have realized it but it would appear that you still have many supporters in the fleet. Apparently many of the civilians liked what you had to say back on Colonial day and feel that the Quorum was too hasty in supporting the President's decision to move on without you. What can I say Tom, you gave them hope for a better future," he tried not to grit his teeth as he lied.

It wasn't entirely a lie. A small population of the civilians had initially been upset by the decision to cut all ties with the Astral Queen, saying that they shouldn't isolate any of the human survivors. When President Roslin had released evidence that Zarek had gained access to a nuclear weapon and had threatened to destroy the entire fleet unless he was named president, however, his supporters had changed their tune.

"As much as I hate to say it, it looks like they've been looking for a way to re-establish contact with you without appearing to go back on their earlier decision. You know these politicians, they can never admit to being wrong."

Zarek laughed at that and, encouraged, Lee continued, "As it turns out, it looks like this whole thing might just be what they've been looking for." _Easy Lee, don't pile it on too thick_. _Make him think you're genuinely working with him, _"Of course, my father," he glanced at the old man and shrugged an apology. Bill waved it off and gave him a reassuring smile as he gestured for him to keep going, "and Roslin are adamant that we cannot negotiate with you, no matter what you do to - " the thought of her disrupted his train of thought.

Glancing up quickly, he saw that Tyric had moved to Kara's right arm and, after shoving the arm of her flightsuit up over her elbow, was very slowly dripping drops of the acid up and down her forearm. It looked like Kara was drifting in and out of consciousness but whenever her eyes drifted shut, he would slap her roughly across the face until she opened them again.

Lee cleared his throat and allowed some of his rage towards the men on the screen to come through, "Well, they say we can't give in to you but it looks like the Quorum has more sense." He was thankful Zarek couldn't see the handset trembling in his hand as images of what he would do to the terrorist when he finally got him alone flashed through his mind in vivid and graphic detail.

."And?" Zarek asked smugly.

"Well, they're still debating it but we've just recently found a planet with a viable tylium source. Your supporters in the twelve want to strike a deal in which your men help with the mining operation and, in return, you would receive a percentage of the mined tylium. That way you - "

" - get our fuel and it looks like they've made an a fair exchange with our group; establishing diplomatic ties with mutual benefits without going back on their decision to cut us off from direct aid," Zarek finished Lee's lie.

_Please God's let him buy this_, Lee prayed silently.

Zarek laughed, "Gods, you gotta love politics."

Lee thanked the gods fervently.

"So, Captain, do you think my supporters can win this argument?"

"Well, I certainly hope so, Tom." Again, Lee let a little of his emotion slip through in his voice, "I – I'm going to go talk to my father. You know the old man," again he looked to his father to apologize and was relieved to see him nod in encouragement. He added a hint of anger to his tone, "he's stubborn but I know how to talk to him."

He silently apologized to Kara for what he was about to do, for using her past as a bargaining chip, "He's had a soft spot for Kara ever since she was engaged to my brother."

He had thought Zarek would have know known about Zak and Kara already. Given how crafty the older man was about playing "all the angles", Lee was sure he would have dug up everything there was to know about the Commander but the long pause that followed his disclosure confirmed the terrorist hadn't been as good at intel-recon as he'd thought he was.

Lee prayed that his gamble would pay off, "I know you won't like this, Tom, but if I could tell him that you agreed to leave her alone as a gesture of good faith, given how close we are to resolving this issue… If I could show him that she's there, alone and hurt but that he has a chance to save her, I…I think he could be persuaded to lend his considerable clout to our side of the debate.

"I can push all the guilt buttons: that he can save her, that Zak loved her, that Zak died for the fleet…" _Gods, forgive me._ Despite his father's encouragement and the knowledge that it was helping buy them time for the rescue op, Lee felt a sickening dose of guilt join the other emotions swirling within him, "and, well, you know the old man. If I can convince him that he alone can protect her, there's no way his conscience will let him stay out of it. I can play into his, what did you call it back on Kobol? His hero complex? Only _he_ can help the Quorum do what's right and only_ he_ can save his precious pet pilot. There's no way Bill Adama could resist that."

Zarek laughed, the sound sent a chill down Lee's spine, "I like that angle, kid. I'll tell you what, I'll give you an hour." Lee heard Zarek talking to someone else, his voice muffled. Seconds later the hatch to the cell opened and the men inside looked up, apparently at someone in the causeway outside. Tyric's grin disappeared and all three looked very disappointed. They released Kara and stood up, the one that had been holding her shoulders down spat on her face before they trooped out of the room.

Lee sighed in relief. _Thank the Lords of Kobol. _

"Did you see that Captain?" Zarek asked.

"Yes, I can see she's alone now."

Kara swiped her arm across her face before she tried to close her jump suit, as she had when the other men had left, but winced as the fabric touched the fresh wounds on her chest. She gave up and curled up on her side once again, holding the cloth away from herself. She glanced up at the camera and Lee felt a jolt when it seemed like their eyes connected briefly. He saw such deep pain and defeat in her eyes that it almost brought him to his knees. The Starbuck shine was gone and what he saw of her gaze before her eyelids drifted shut was dull and lifeless. Suddenly the image dissolved into black. _Helo's away_, he thought. _Hang on Kara, hang on just a little longer. Please just hang on._

"What the frak is this Tom?" he asked with faked incredulity.

"What?" Zarek asked.

"Where's the video feed?" Lee let his voice raise angrily.

"What??" Zarek sounded surprised, he must not have been watching his own monitors. _Good, he's off balance_. Lee would do his best to keep him from regaining it.

"Well, one minute it looks like we're working together and the next thing I know you've cut my video. What the frak kind of trick is that??"

"No, we are- I - we didn't cut the feed!" Zarek said quickly, his voice rising in panic. Lee could hear him barking orders at his men.

"Well it sure as hell looks like you did. How am I supposed to prove to my father that you've left her alone if he can't see her? Seeing her there was what would have sealed it, seeing his poor little Kara all alone!" Lee raised his voice to practically shouting, adding some temper and panic for good measure, hoping to add to Zarek's confusion. "If he thinks you're frakking with him, he's just going to jump a raptor in there and nuke you all!"

"Well we didn't cut it!" Zarek yelled back, his voice a tangle of anger and confusion. "The Queen is an old ship, we've been having - " Zarek cut himself off, realizing that in his confusion he'd been about to admit a weakness to his opponents.

Not wanting to give him time to think, Lee jumped back in raging, "Well fix it, gods damn it! I can't sell him this if you don't get it back up!"

"I'm working on it!" Once again Zarek yelled orders at his men. "Look," he said, his voice snapping out angrily as he tried to regain control of the situation, "I'll do what I can, you go talk to the old man and tell him he has an hour to get this done or I send Tyric back in there."

"Fine. Get the vid feed back online as soon as you can!" Lee retorted, thankful they hadn't figured out, or apparently even guessed, the real source of the problem.

The line went dead.

Lee's hand shook as he replaced the handset on the cradle. It was out of his hands now and he felt an empty coldness settle into his chest. She was out there defenceless and alone and all he could do was sit here and wait. He wanted to be angry, to at least feel the heat of rage flowing through him, but he couldn't. He suddenly couldn't feel anything but cold emptiness. He raised his head and found the Commander watching him quietly. He held his gaze for a moment, again seeing the pain etched in his father's face and wondered why he didn't feel it. It was as if a switch had been thrown and he'd been shut off.

Bill was frightened by the blank look on Lee's face. Was it shock? Denial? Resignation? Panic flashed through him, "Gods, he didn't-?" he couldn't bring himself to finish the question.

Lee shook his head slowly, "No. No, he thinks it's a short in their system."

Bill felt relief replace his panic.

Lee gazed down at the floor in front of him and felt once again as if he were moving in slow motion. His thoughts were scattering. He knew he should do something but he couldn't hold onto any one thought long enough to know what that something was. He was just standing there doing nothing while so much was happening there, parsecs away.

He tried to picture Kara and couldn't. The face he's seen almost every day for months, the face he'd studied for years while they were in training together, the face that drifted in front of his eyes every night just before he slipped off to sleep, even after he closed his eyes, he couldn't see it. He couldn't see anything. He was just empty.

"Son," Bill's voice cut through the fog. Lee lifted his head sluggishly to meet his father's gaze once again. The blank look in his son's normally vibrant eyes sent a chill down the Commander's spine, "Why don't we go down to the deck to wait for them?"

Lee nodded absently without really thinking about what his father said. When Bill stood up awkwardly Lee automatically took his arm and walked with him. Without seeing where they were going Lee walked with his father to the flight deck and stood silently by his side as they waited.

Each second dragged itself out as he watched the deck crew working on the vipers. He knew how loud the deck was, he knew the buzz of activity that was almost always echoing around that large space, and yet now it seemed muffled.

He glanced at the clock on the wall for the umpteenth time. _How long have we been standing here? _He knew it had been a while but he couldn't remember what time it was when he'd last looked at the clock, let alone when Helo left. He struggled to clear his head. _It's been almost forty-five minutes since Helo jumped, hasn't it? Has it?_ He couldn't think straight, the numbing cold in his gut had spread to his mind. He barely even registered the sight of the petite crewman standing in front of him.

"Sir?...Sir?" Cally called to him softly. When the Captain's eyes slowly drifted to her face she offered him a shy smile, "Before they left, Helo told me to tell you he'd be back as soon as he could and that he'd bring Starbuck home or die _frakking_ trying." She blushed as she looked quickly at the Commander, realizing she'd just cursed in front of the C.O., "I'm… I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to… " she stammered

"It's all right, Crewman," the older man smiled at her gently, "you were just delivering a message. It's not your fault the L.T. has a latrine for a vocabulary."

She smiled slightly, relieved but still embarrassed.

Shouts went up around the deck. Lee watched the scurry of activity without registering it. He felt his father's hand tighten on his shoulder and realized he was watching the knuckle-draggers bringing Helo's raptor into it's berth. He struggled to force air into his chest through the fog that now seemed to be clogging his lungs.

He gasped and suddenly everything was moving at lightening speed. He was up on the wing of the raptor before it was fully docked. Through the numbness he felt like someone else was controlling his body. Faintly, he thought he heard the Chief yelling at him to get off the still moving plane.

As the hatch started to lift he found himself ducking under it as if on autopilot. The darkness of the interior of the ship was a sharp contrast from the harsh lighting of the deck but he didn't wait for his eyes to adjust. He made out a couple of forms lying on the floor and registered a lot of noise and movement as he scanned the small space, his heart hammering in his chest. He saw a flash of yellow in the corner. _There she is!_ Then he was beside her, standing over her as she lay on the floor. His heart clutched in his chest. She was so still, her skin ashen in the dim light.

--

_Comments? Questions? Beefs? Ideas? You know how to reach me._

_More on Kara and the rescue next chapter, hang in there with me folks!_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: I apologise profusely for the delayed posting on this chapter. At first real life got in the way and then the chapter itself caused me a lot of trouble. I don't know what happened specifically but I really struggled with the first portion of this one so any feedback you have to offer is greatly appreciated. _

_Thanks to everyone for their wonderful encouragement and feedback on the last chapter and for keeping up those encouraging hit numbers. I feel just terrible for making you wait so long for this chapter and really hope you like it._

_Warning: bad stuff happens throughout this story, if you don't like that please find something else to read._

_P.S. I don't know if anyone cares but I changed the summary for the story to reflect the direction it's taken as it's gone on._

* * *

**Chapter 10**

After the three men left her cell she'd drifted, blissfully free, in a comfortable darkness.

For the countless days she'd been there, her life on the Queen had been much the same. Her world had been reduced to a haze of pain, anger and fear. Locked here in this cell, with the single light burning all the time as she slipped in and out of consciousness, Kara had no idea how long she'd actually been there but she figured it had to be a few weeks at least.

The only break in the utter monotony of her captivity was when Zarek or one of his men entered her cell. Their visits were sporadic and unpredictable, sometimes lasting minutes, other times, Kara was sure they stayed for hours. She was sometimes left alone for what felt like days at a time but at others had barely a few minutes between the men who came and went.

After they were done whatever they'd come in to do to her, she would usually drift away again. Sometimes she'd slipped thankfully into unconsciousness before they left and other times, once they'd finished with her and left her alone once again, she'd left the pain behind by telling and retelling herself the stories of the scriptures.

She'd decided sometime in the first week or so of her captivity that she would die before she surrendered to Zarek and his men. The way she saw it, the only thing she could do was simply fight until she couldn't fight any more. Between visits from the men, escaping into those stories gave her the break she needed to rally her energy and keep herself focused on her goal. And so, just as she had as a little girl, she fled into the safety of those familiar stories, sometimes to escape the pain and reality of what was happening in that moment, sometimes to keep her mind from drifting to areas she knew would weaken her.

As her time in captivity wore on and her captors' brutality took its toll on her body, her consciousness had gradually become more fluid. She'd floated in and out of reality: images and events had swimming past her, some razor sharp, some fogged and distorted. The beatings and attacks blurred together and mingled with the ever present gnawing of hunger in her belly to create a haze of agony that swung between dull aches and searing pain. As more time went by, she realized her grip on consciousness was slowly slipping and when she'd eventually awake after the men left, she'd have to struggle to piece together her recollections of the past few hours, trying to separate them from dreams, delusions and memories of her past.

After a while she realized that her moments of clarity were becoming fewer while the time in between them appeared to be becoming longer. Thoughts, dreams, memories and present experiences blurred together as she simply floated within her aching body, sometimes hearing the Commander whispering in her ear, asking her what she heard, sometimes hearing her mother murmuring prayers or cursing at her. She'd drifted between seeing and hearing things she knew weren't there and fighting not to see and feel what was really happening.

Suddenly, an unknown length of time after she'd drifted away from the pain of the burns that streaked across her chest and arm, a clear memory of Lee's voice floated through the darkness, bringing a slap of emotion so hard and fast she snapped back into herself. _Lee. Thank the gods, Lee knows where I am. _Hope warred with caution. _What if it's just another one of Zarek's mind-fraks? What if it's just another way for him to break me? Remember what happened last time he said he was talking with the Galactica, Thrace?_ Vague memories of tricks, lies, crushing disappointment and even gut wrenching grief mixed together as she desperately flung her mind back over various conversations she'd had with Zarek since her capture. _Gods damn it, think girl!_

She tried to remember just what had happened but the memories blurred together with dreams and phantom voices. How many times had she dreamed of Lee and woken thinking she still heard his voice? How many times had Zarek told her he was negotiating with the fleet and that if she'd only cooperate with him, he'd let her go?

_No, no, I really heard him._

_Didn't I?_ _Did I?_

A sob welled up in her chest. She couldn't be sure. She just didn't know. She thought she really had heard Lee's voice crackling with static as it came over the wireless but she wasn't sure of anything but the pain any more. The pain that was now joined by a desperate longing just to hear his voice again.

She felt that longing in every ache in her abused body as her heart struggled under the weight of all the thoughts and emotions she'd worked so hard to keep bottled up over the past few weeks. She felt her control slip and tears fought their way to the surface as she desperately tried to shut it all down; to turn off the emotion and the thoughts of … _home. Oh gods, please just let me go home._

Once again, Lee Adama was slipping through her defences and she knew that if it wasn't true, if he wasn't coming for her, it wouldn't matter because she didn't have the strength to keep fighting.

_Oh gods, please let this be true. _Warm tears ran down her cheeks. _Lords of Kobol, hear my prayers,_ she begged. _If you see it fit, please guide Lee and bring him to me. If not, please release me from this body so that I might rest easy with you in Elysium. I've fought as hard as I can and I'm sorry but I just can't fight any more. Please, if you can't bring me home to the Galactica, please bring me home to you. So say we all._

Another coughing fit rose in her chest. The pain that followed each cough had her struggling to suppress them but when her breathing became even more ragged she gasped and struggled for air. Instinctually, she brought her left hand to her chest. The wave of pain that flooded out from both her hand and her chest swamped her and she felt herself slipping under once again.

Images ran seamlessly through her mind: _Zak, his smile uncharacteristically shy as he pulled the small jewellery box out of the pocket of his flightsuit. The Commander smiling a greeting at her as she jogged by on her morning run along the corridors of the Galactica. The thrill of excitement watching a raider explode after her shot found its mark. Lee grinning at her through the bars in the brig when he'd walked back into her life just before the end of the worlds. Lee shouting at her, his eyes snapping with frustration. Lee grinning at her from the cockpit of his viper as they flew together in the CAP. Lee moving over her, his face flushed with pleasure that echoed her own._

A bright slash of pain made her flinch but her hand screamed as she instinctually moved it to cover her chest once again.

Drifting back under, different images: _Her mother locking her in that dank closet once again. The belt, the only thing her mother had kept of her father's after he left on her fourth birthday . The burning in her wrists where the ropes tying her to her bed had cut into the skin. Her mother holding her little fingers against the doorjamb, smiling at her with that cold smile while she gripped the heavy door and reassured the sobbing five year old that it was what the gods wanted. The pain in her fingers. The beating she'd gotten the first time she ran away at age ten. The worse beating she'd gotten when the police brought her home a week later. The pain of the countless slaps, smacks and belts. The mask of rage that twisted her mother's face as she screamed at her, struck at her, the day they'd returned home to find her father gone._

Kara shifted, moaning, and cried out from the pain even her smallest movement caused.

Memories flowed into dreams: _She was lying comfortably in her rack on Galactica and it felt so good to just lie there, clean and comfortable in her tanks and sweats. She'd been away, she didn't know where she'd been, but she knew she was glad to be home. She heard someone moving around the room and a warm smile spread across her face. Lee was back from CAP. Gods, she had missed him. The idea of sneaking out of her rack and surprising him with her presence back on the battlestar turned the smile into a grin but before she could sit up, her privacy curtain was thrown back. _

_Expecting to see Lee looking down at her with those familiar blue eyes, she was stunned to see her mother looming over her with her well-worn copy of the scriptures in one hand and that cursed belt in the other. Yelling at her, telling her what a bad little girl she was, what an evil little soul she was, her mother brought the belt down repeatedly on Kara's arm and chest. The belt was on fire and mean looking flames licked the edges of the worn leather. Flashes of white hot pain lingered where the dark leather met her flesh. _

_Arranged behind her mother, leaning against the lockers, lounging on the bunks and playing cards at the table, were the gods and heroes from the scriptures. Most of them ignored her and those who's sight drifted over to Kara and her mother looked on with disinterest. She tried to call out to them, to beg for their help and protection but her throat was closed and nothing came out. _

_Apollo sat next to his sister, Artemis, at the table but while she joked and laughed over the card game, he sat hunched over a large stack of papers, writing determinedly. With every snap of the belt across Kara's skin, the young god flinched but made no move to help her. He sat, working away patiently until finally he finished with the paperwork and only then looked up at her. Blue eyes stared intently into hers as the belt came down again and again across her flesh. He opened his mouth and spoke slowly to her but Kara could not make out what he was saying, his words lost in the chaos of the crowded room and the sound of her mother's prayers. _

_Suddenly the hatch to the officers' locker flew open and Lee was standing there watching. He looked at her, anguish twisting his face. Tears filled his blue eyes as he looked between her, her mother and Apollo who still sat looking at Kara. Looking at him she felt his pain; the betrayal that tore at his heart sliced neatly through her. Slowly, he turned away as her mother's belt struck at her, licks of pain streaking across her body with each blow._

"_Lee!" She tried to call to him but she could barely catch her breath and it came out as a whimper. She needed to tell him, to make him see, that he could make them all go away, that he could both save her and have her if he would only speak._

_She tried again but choked on his name, gagging as the belt snapped down on her chest once again. He lowered his head and turned to walk away. Her mother dropped the belt and Kara saw an eyedropper full of clear liquid replace it in her hand._

"_Lee!" this time she managed more but was left choking by the attempt. The sight of the liquid in the dropper sent her heart pounding. She didn't know what it was but she knew it was bad. Mumbling prayers, her mother approached Kara. Placing a hand on her forehead to hold her still, Kara watched, frozen as her mother brought eye dropper down towards her eye._

"Lee!"_ She tried to cover her face with her arms but cried out in pain as soon as she moved them._

"Kara."

_He'd heard her, he was coming for her_.

"Lee!"

_She wouldn't hurt her anymore_. _They couldn't hurt her anymore._

"Kara. Hey, Starbuck."

That wasn't Lee's voice. She wasn't on the Galactica. She was on the Astral Queen and someone was in the cell with her.

_Gods no! _

Her instincts kicked in before she was even fully alert. She swung out with her right fist as hard as she could as she struggled to scoot herself away from the figure crouched in front of her. She felt her fist connect solidly before the sleeve of her flight suit slid down and sent pain searing up her arm. She cried out in spite of herself, quickly bringing the arm into her chest and sending another wave of pain through her body as the material of her flight suit made contact with her skin. She gasped, trying desperately to suppress the wave of nausea that followed the pain. She struggled to focus her vision on the man in front of her as her breath rasped in her throat. The wave of adrenaline that had shot through her when she woke was ebbing quickly, leaving thick, oily fatigue pulling at her mind as the darkness swirled threateningly.

--

The image of Kara alone in that room with those monsters had hovered behind Karl's eyes ever since he'd found himself waiting alone in the War Room. The need to get to her and get her safely back on board the raptor dominated his thoughts. He barely even registered the fact that they'd made history with the successful jump into the cargo area of the Astral Queen.

_Gods, why Kara? Hasn't she been through enough?_ Karl struggled to push the thoughts of his friend out of his mind and focus on the op, knowing full well that they needed every advantage they could get and that a distracted soldier was a liability in the field.

After his successful and surprisingly uneventful landing, he followed the Sergeant and the majority of the marines out into the corridor, leaving two men behind to guard the raptor. They made their way without incident to the isolation cells where they had presumed Kara was being held. Their assumptions appeared to be confirmed by the two men standing guard outside one of the doors. The marines quickly took out the guards with silenced pistols before opening the hatch they were guarding. After ensuring the room was safe, however, they stepped back to let Helo go in on his own. The stale air in the cell made him gag. The raw smell of human confinement was tinged with a slightly sweet burnt smell that curdled his stomach.

Glancing around, the sight of her curled on the floor in the middle of the empty room tore through him. She looked so small, so vulnerable, lying there on the metal floor. Helo rushed to her side and shuddered as he dropped to his knees next to her. _Oh Frak me. _Her face was drawn, her cheeks hollow, dried blood covered her upper lip and chin, it looked like her nose had been broken and one of her eyes was swollen almost shut with angry looking purple bruises. Her eyelids were fluttering as she groaned and twitched. She moaned something he couldn't make out.

His heart broke as he watched her fighting for air, listening to each wetly ragged breath she struggled to drag into her lungs. _Gods Kara, what have they done to you? _Helo set his jaw firmly, trying to focus on his mission. He placed a gentle hand on her forehead. She flinched at his touch but he couldn't bring himself to break that connection. Her skin was hot and dry under his palm.

She moaned unintelligibly again and whimpered in pain when she tried to move her arm.

"Kara," he said softly. He knew they had to move fast before Zarek realized they were there but he didn't want to frighten her.

"Lee," she croaked, her voice rasping over lips cracked by fever and seemingly split some time ago by a fist or perhaps a boot.

The desperate tone in her voice cut through his heart like a handful of icy razors, "Kara," Helo called softly, "Hey, Starbuck."

Her eyes fluttered again before they flashed open.

Helo barely even felt the pain that burst across his jaw. The look on her face when she awoke and realized he was there sent an icy shudder down his spine. In all the time he'd known her, through all of what had happened in the past few months, he'd never seen a look like that on Starbuck's face. Starbuck's default reactions to almost everything were either amusement or anger. Even after Sharon had told her about the baby farms and the future she'd narrowly escaped when she'd gotten away from the hospital on Caprica, she'd looked pissed and disgusted and maybe a little spooked but nothing even close to this.

He'd never seen terror on her face and knowing he'd caused it, however unintentionally, left him shaking and stunned_._ After struggling to get out of his reach she lay curled on the floor, gasping in pain. He wanted to reach for her, to draw her to him and comfort her, but he knew he couldn't. It wasn't that easy.

"Kara," he said in a low voice.

He swallowed the tears that were choking his voice, willing himself to be calm and reassuring despite the panic that was building in his chest. He knew Starbuck and he didn't want to think about what kind of treatment it would have taken for her to be reduced to that kind of fear. He wanted to think about the treatment her captors would receive if he had his say once the op was over but he knew she needed his focus now. _Get her through this, Helo. Just get her home._

"Starbuck, it's ok. It's just me, Helo," he spoke softly and calmly, willing his voice to sound smooth and reassuring despite the chaos of emotions raging through him. "It's Karl. Hey…"

A voice drifted in through the pain and nausea. _No, it couldn't be_. Silhouetted against the single bright light mounted on the wall, she couldn't see his face. She felt a sob catch in her throat, _is_ _it really him_? _He's big enough to be Helo._

She felt hope rising in her chest before she managed to catch it and clamp down on it, hard, realizing that no matter what she'd thought before, she wasn't ready to give up the fight yet. _Easy Kara. You're running on less than bingo fuel here, you can't go getting your hopes up just because this time Zarek sent some frakker who looks and sounds remotely like Karl. _

She knew she was weak, that she was running out of time, and that she didn't have anything to spare on false hopes or the disappointment that would surely follow. Besides, no matter how badly off she was, she would be frakked if she'd give Zarek the satisfaction of tricking her into thinking she was safe and getting her to let her guard down.

"Frak _you_," she spat out, gaining strength from the anger she unleashed in that simple statement. Trying to get a better look at his face, she twisted her head to bring her good eye up.

He could see her shaking. Whether from fear, because of her fever, or in preparation to defend herself, he couldn't tell but he knew time was ticking away and the longer they stayed, the more difficult it was going to be to get her out of here safely.

"Kara? It's ok, it's me, Helo. Lee sent me to get you." He ducked his head into her line of sight, offering her a gentle smile.

She tensed when he moved, getting ready to throw out a kick if he came towards her but he turned his head just enough and she felt her heart stop when the light caught that distinctive jaw line.

"_He-lo?_" she whispered hesitatingly. Hope bubbled up in her despite her desperate attempt to control it until she was sure.

His tentative smile broke into a grin that was unmistakable.

"Helo," she gasped, the relief in her voice sent an answering wave of relief through him. She reached out her right arm, oblivious to the pain it caused as a rush of emotion overwhelmed her. "Karl… Helo, I…," she mumbled as he took her hand and moved in to gently stroke her face. She sobbed as she struggled to speak, "You're ok, you're here, you're…"

"Shhhhh," he murmured, brushing a strand of hair off her forehead. The pain and relief swirling in her eyes brought tears to his own. He wanted desperately to soothe and comfort her, to stroke away that pain. "It's ok, Kara. I've got you. You'll be home soon. It's gonna be ok, I promise. You're gonna be just fine," he said gently, smiling down at her. Listening to her ragged breathing and looking down at her pale face, he desperately hoped he hadn't just made a foolish promise.

_It's over. Karl's here and it's over_. _It's finally over. I beat them. _With that realization, she felt herself relax as a fresh wave of fatigue washed over her. _This is it. I beat them, but it's too late. After all this time, I held out for so long, but he's too late,_ she thought as she felt herself slipping away.

She wanted to laugh at the irony of it but she didn't have the strength. She wanted to speak to Helo, to thank him and give him something to take back to Lee but it was all she could do to keep her eyes open and hold his steady gaze. _Thank you, lords, for the strength you gave me but I'm ready now. I'm tired and I'm ready to come home to you now. _She looked up as he bent over her, stroking her face soothingly. The last thing she saw was his smile and a single tear running down his cheek as she let go and let herself slip gently into the darkness one last time.

"Starbuck? Kara?" he shook her gently as her eyes fluttered closed. "Hey, come on, you have to hang on. I promised Lee I'd bring you home. Kara?"

He stared at her still form and felt panic warring with grief as emotion choked his throat.

--

_So? Was it worth the wait? What did you think about the first part of the chapter? Like I said, I really struggled with it and even now am not completely satisfied but I just didn't know what else to do with it after writing and rewriting it several times. I hope you liked it but please feel free to let me know what you think._


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N:As always, thanks to everyone for their feedback and for coming back to read this latest installment. I seem to have lost my beta somewhere along the way so please excuse any typos etc... If you are interested in betaing this fic, just let me know. I hate the idea of all of you sitting out there cursing my homophones and missing conjunctions but I have trouble proofreading my own work._

_Obviously, this chapter was a lot more cooperative than the last, hope you enjoy it!_

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Standing over Kara on the raptor, Lee felt his heart stop. Her skin was so pale, her face so drawn. He almost didn't recognise her; he couldn't remember ever seeing Kara's face so still.

_Gods, no. Please, no._

"Is she...?" he managed to whisper to the medic who was kneeling beside her. He couldn't bare to finish the question.

"She's hanging in there…" Ishtay answered quietly but Lee heard the 'barely' she didn't need to add to the end of the statement. He dropped to his knees beside Kara, struggling to think, to function, through the thick numbing fog that still enveloped him.

"The jump was hard on her but we can't get her out until we move the other casualties. Can you stay with her while I get the marines out?"

Lee nodded absently. The part of his mind ruled by the cool and efficient Captain Adama remembered the injured marines that the panicked and heartsick Lee had barely noticed when he entered the raptor. "Anything serious?" he asked quietly.

"One, the rest are just flesh wounds. We ran into some of Zarek's men just as we made it back to the bird."

The captain in him knew he should ask about the mission, get a detailed sit-rep from somebody, but the man in him couldn't tear his eyes from the gaunt face in front of him. He reached up to lightly brush a stray lock of flaxen hair off her forehead. _Kara's home_. He had her back, but still, he felt nothing, nothing but that chilling fog and the icy fist that was still wrapped around his chest, tightening until he almost couldn't draw a breath.

_What's wrong with me? _He wondered absently. _All those weeks o f waiting and now when she's finally home I can't feel a thing._ Lee struggled to feel something, to pull even a hint of relief out of the dark cloud that filled his heart and mind._ Her body may be lying in front of you but she's not here_, a cold voice inside him pointed out. It was right. The body lying so still under the standard issue blanket was not the woman he'd been longing for, grieving for, all this time.

Kara was a vibrant and passionate woman who could stop his heart with a single look. She could send a nerve-searing flash of desire from his head to his groin just by raising an eyebrow or leave him gasping and clutching his sides in agony with her animated retelling of even the most familiar jokes. Kara was the only woman he'd ever known who could look at him with eyes simultaneously full of both strength and vulnerability. Eyes that that drew him in and made him want to confess his darkest thoughts and wildest dreams.

Starbuck was his talented lead pilot who could set his blood boiling with a single snide comment tossed off under her breath. She was the only one who could out-fly and out-shoot the great Apollo and she never let him forget it. She was a balls-to-the-wall viper jock who could smirk and grin her way out of almost anything but if that tactic didn't get her the results she wanted, she wasn't afraid to pound her point home with a well thrown punch or two, or three, or six.

Lieutenant Thrace was a capable officer who approached teaching her nuggets with a curious mixture of demanding expectations, a wealth of personal skill and experience and a considerable amount of humiliation and derision that somehow had resulted in some of the finest rookie pilots he'd ever seen joining the air group in record time. She could lead an airstrike, plan a delicate SAR op or greet visiting dignitaries with composure and tact. If she felt like it, that is. She generally made it clear, however, that she would rather be put out an airlock than be trapped in her dress greys playing tour guide for some stuffy civilian group.

Of all the things Kara Thrace may be, helpless and defeated she was not. And yet here she was, still and lifeless, just lying there on the floor of the raptor.

"Ok, Captain, can you help me carry her out of here?"

The medic was back at his side, interrupting his thoughts with a voice softened by compassion. He had no idea how long she'd been gone, how long he'd knelt there staring at the face that wasn't Kara's. _Kara... Oh gods, this is Kara. She's back and she's alive._ _How can that be? I let her go, I said goodbye when we jumped away… How can she be back? This isn't Kara. _He shook his head looking down at the pale face, searching for something he recognised beneath the blood and the bruises.

"Captain?"

She could see the shock in his eyes. His blank look reminded her of a soldier she'd tended who's been gutshot by a freedom fighter on Sagittaron. He had that same blank look, knowing somewhere that something was wrong but not being able to comprehend what was happening.

"We need to get her to the Life Station. Can you pick her up for me?"

Lee nodded slowly. The medic gently lifted the blanket off Kara and Lee slipped his arms under her limp form. A small moan escaped her lips.

"I know, I know," he murmured soothingly as he gently pulled her to his chest. Finding himself holding her in his arms at last, he felt a jolt of relief shoot through him, tearing through the fog like a bolt of lightening.

"Almost there, Kara. Just hang on, ok?" he whispered, his voice breaking as he begged.

He stood slowly, lifting her gingerly. She felt so small and light in his arms. Much too light. He knew she'd lost weight but lifting her in his arms he realized just how little they must have been feeding her all those weeks. _Gods, those mother frakkers were starving her._

Pushing all thoughts of Zarek and his men from his mind, he turned and walked to the hatch.

The normal hum of the deck crew busy with a freshly returned ship stopped as he emerged with Kara cradled in his arms. Ishtay guided him as he made his way off the wing of the raptor.

"Where's the gurney?" she asked, looking around. "Where the _frak_ is the other gurney?" she shouted.

"That's all they sent," the Chief tossed over his shoulder as he ran to call for another.

"Don't bother, I'll carry her," Lee said softly, looking down at the pale face and relishing the idea of holding her just a little longer before relinquishing her into the care of the medic or Doc Cottle.

Ishtay nodded and quickly turned to lead him from the deck. Approaching his father as he followed the medic, Lee looked up. Bill's eyes drooped with sadness when he saw the pale and battered face resting on his son's chest. Without realizing it, he tightened his arm protectively around the young crewman who'd stayed with him after Lee ran to the raptor.

"Cally, can you help my father back to the Life Station?" Lee asked, worry over his father's own pale face cutting through the remnants of the fog that still clung to his thoughts.

She nodded silently, her eyes locked on Starbuck's face.

"Cally?" Lee asked again gently, suddenly remembering the other young woman in a cell, her eyes wide with fear as blood dripped from her mouth and oozed between the fingers of a hand pressed to her side.

She looked up, met his eyes and blinked rapidly. _Damn it, Cally, you are not going to cry here. Not on the frakking deck. Not in front of Apollo and the old man._ She swallowed hard an then nodded again, this time with determination. Satisfied, Lee turned and strolled off the flight deck, oblivious to the continued hush that hung over the crew assembled there and the tall figure that limped behind him.

As he followed a few paces behind the medic, Lee realized that his father must be either very worried about Kara or more ill than he let on not to protest the idea of anyone having to help him get anywhere on his own ship.

Bill was feeling weak, this was the longest he'd spent out of his bed in the Life Station in a week, but it was the slight shaking he'd felt in the young woman's slim shoulders when she looked at Kara's pale face that made him glad to maintain their contact.

He too remembered Cally's own experience with Zarek's men aboard the Astral Queen and he tightened his arm around her shoulders, giving her a reassuring squeeze. On every other day she was a more than competent deck hand, holding her own in one of the few areas of the fleet that remained dominated by males. But today she was a young frightened woman far from home and in need of a parent. Wincing at the dull ache in his chest as they began to walk, Bill managed to smile at himself. _Parent? Gods, Bill, you could probably be her Grandfather_.

--

Making his way down the familiar corridors of Galactica, Lee kept one eye on his footing, making sure he wouldn't trip, and the other on Kara's face. She'd started to get a little colour back in her cheeks but they looked unnaturally flushed, rather than healthy, and the fact that he could feel the warmth of her fever through her flightsuit had the icy grip of fear tightening around his chest once again.

As he watched her face, her eyelids fluttered. His heart skipped a beat and he slowed his pace so he could watch her. She moaned softly. Suddenly, he felt her entire body tense as her eyes flew open, glazed and bright with fever. She cried out as she tried to push herself away from him, kicking with her good leg.

"Frak you, put me down Zarek!" she cried hoarsely. She struggled violently despite the obvious pain the movement caused her.

"Hey!" Lee cried as she swung at him with her good hand. He felt his grip slipping and pulled her in closer to his chest to avoid dropping her all together.

"No!" she cried as she felt the hands holding her tighten their grip. The desperation and defeat in her voice echoed painfully in Lee's ears. He loosened his grip, not wanting to drop her but unable to continue doing anything that would elicit that kind of reaction from any woman, least of all the one in his arms.

Feeling him releasing her slightly, Kara resumed her kicking and struggling. She hissed and spat at Lee before biting into his shoulder. He barely even registered the pain. Suddenly there was someone in front of him slipping another pair of arms under Kara, murmuring to her soothingly and using his own chest to restrict her flailing arm. Lee looked up in gratitude and saw Helo's face, pale and etched with worry, a dark bruise shadowing his jaw.

Kara screamed, now kicking and striking out at Helo.

"Hey Kara, take it easy," Lee said, worried she'd hurt herself. "It's ok, it's just Lee and Helo. Come on now, Kara, it's ok. Kara-"

At the sound of his voice Kara slowed her thrashing. _Only one person says my name like that. _She struggled to think as her breath wheezed in and out in a wet sob. _But no, it can't be. Lee's not here. _The memory of Helo's face leaning over her cut through her doubts with a flicker of hope.

"Lee?" she whispered, wanting to believe it really was him, fearing that it was just another dream. Her gaze searched for his face. _Lee? Is it really him? _

She gasped when she managed to bring her vision back into focus and recognised him at last, relief melting across her bruised and battered face. _Lee. _She didn't care if it was a dream or a trick of Zarek's. She was beyond caring and was happy just to believe she actually was resting in Lee's arms.

Their eyes finally meeting, Lee felt his heart stop once again. _Kara. _Before Lee could say anything, Ishtay was beside them with another gurney an ensign had been bringing back to the flight deck. Kara seemed to have run out of strength and lay limply in their arms. Lee and Helo gently set her down, wincing in unison when Kara cried out softly as her back made contact with the padded gurney.

"Lee, I…" Kara rasped out faintly, between ragged breaths, as she struggled to keep his face in focus. There were things, so many things, that she needed to tell him.

"Shhhh. It's ok." He laid a gentle hand on her cheek. Tears welled in his eyes as he gazed down at her on the gurney. He stroked his thumb gently across her cheek, thinking of all the regrets he'd struggled with over the past weeks, all the things he wished he'd said or done while he still had the chance. There were things he needed to say, things she needed to hear, but right now, he was content just to be near her, to feel her skin under his hand and to gaze into those luminous green eyes.

"No, Lee, I… I need to tell…grrruphmp..." her voice trailed off in a gurgle and Lee watched in horror as her eyes rolled back into her head and her arms contracted up to her chest. Her entire body began twitching as her heels drummed rhythmically on the stretcher and her back arched painfully, her neck craning back at what looked like an impossible angle.

Lee looked in panic at the medic who said calmly but quickly, "She's having a seizure because of the her temperature, we need to get her to the Life Station NOW. Can you two hold her down?"

Lee and Helo quickly place their hands on her shoulders and hips, making sure Kara stayed in place as the medic pulled the gurney through the hallway.

"Make way, make a hole!" she called, dashing past crewmembers who darted out of their way.

--

_I know it probably wasn't quite the reunion some of you were hoping for but that's where the story kinda needed to go so I hope it wasn't too disappointing. Stay tuned for more angst and __Lee/Kara stuff!_


	12. Chapter 12

_AN: After a not-so-brief load of real life stuff getting in the way, I finally managed to finish this one up! Hope you all like it. I have no medical experience whatsoever so please be patient with any errors I may have made and feel free to let me know about anything major I screwed up.  
_

_I would like to thank Setivalen for betaing this for me, her insights and comments were incredibly helpful. I would also like to thank everyone else who volunteered to take it on, I hope you continue to read and please feel free to send me any comments/criticisms you may have about the fic.  
_

* * *

**Chapter 12 **

It felt like an eternity before they reached the Life Station. By then, Kara had stopped seizing and was lying still on the gurney with her eyes closed. Everything was a blur of sights and sounds as Lee desperately tried to hold on to something, to feel some sort of hope or relief, as he gazed down at her face. Alarmingly, the flush in her cheeks only made the dark circles under her eyes look more hollow; her sickly, ragged, shallow gasps of breath echoed wetly in Lee's ears. He felt the fog closing in around him again as he helplessly watched her struggle for air.

The medic, Ishay, called for the doctor as they wheeled Kara's gurney into one of the trauma areas..

"Doc's in the O.R. with Staryn," someone shouted back from behind a privacy curtain.

"_Frak_. Okay, Captain, open that third drawer," the medic pointed at a large metal cabinet behind Lee, "and grab a half dozen or so of the chemical ice packs. Lieutenant, you hold her arm down in case she starts seizing again. I need to start an IV." Ishay pointed at Kara's right arm for her planned insertion site since her left hand was visibly swollen and bruised.

Helo gently placed his hand on Kara's right arm. Immediately, she cried out, her eyes flashing open, her struggles resuming.

"Gods damn it Kara, hold still," Helo said through clenched teeth as he struggled to push her shoulders back onto the gurney. Lee dumped the ice packs on the table next to the medic and moved to face Helo over the gurney.

"What are you doing? They poured acid on that arm!" Lee cried. "It probably hurt like frak when you grabbed her," he snapped, the memory of Zarek's man gleefully running the dropper up and down over her skin making him shudder.

Helo's eyes went wide with surprise, "_What?_ Acid? Oh frak me!" His mind reeled at the thought. "I didn't grab her," he hissed, guilt wrenching in his gut as he stared down at her face, twisted in pain and desperate fury. "I was just trying to…" he trailed off as he struggled to restrain his friend without causing her any further pain.

Kara thrashed wildly, cursing at the men as they tried to hold her down so the medic could get the line in.

"Talk to her, son," Bill Adama's low voice cut through the clamour.

"What?" Lee looked up. Momentarily distracted, he let Kara's hand slip out of his grasp. His head snapped back as her fist landed just above his left eye. If he hadn't been so worried, Lee might have been amused by the fact that they were right back where they'd spent most of their relationship: Lee trying to get Kara to do what she was supposed to while she cursed at him and threw punches.

"Talk to her, let her know where she is," Commander Adama repeated.

Lee caught Kara's hand before she struck out again and managed to lean in close, trying to put his face in her eye line. "Hey Kara," he said softly, "It's okay. It's me. It's Lee."

Lee watched as Kara's eyes, bright with fever, flashed across his face without any sign of recognition.

"No! No! Stop!... Lee don't let them! Please Lee… don't let her near my eyes!" she begged, flailing violently, her cries drowning out Lee's calming tones.

"Kara," he tried again, "it's okay, it's just Ishay, the medic. You're alright. You're home on Galactica."

"Nooooo-" Kara cried, choking on the attempt. She continued to fight Lee and Helo, all the while gagging and gasping as she struggled to force air into her lungs.

Lee looked helplessly at his father.

"Lieutenant Thrace," the Commander barked, "stand down!"

Kara froze, her eyes wide and wild. After a heartbeat, she looked around fearfully. Her eyes fell on Lee's and their gazes locked . Her face crumpled. "Lee?" she gasped, "Lee? I – they…"

"Shhhh," he murmured as he stroked hair off her forehead. "You're home now Kara. You're home."

Ishay looked at the Commander questioningly. "How did you…?"

"She's a soldier," he said simply, "down to the bone."

Oblivious to anything other than Kara, Lee bent over her once more, longing to simply take her in his arms and cuddle and soothe her until the haunted look left her eyes. "Ishay is going to take care of you now," Lee said softly, trying to keep the tears that had knotted in his throat from slipping into his voice.

Returning Kara's intense stare, he slipped his hand over hers and gently stroked his thumb over her soft skin. That sense of contact, the warmth of that simple physical connection, wove its way through the haze of fear and grief, wrapping itself around his chilled heart and relieving some of the pressure that continued to weigh down his chest.

Kara seemed to nod in understanding, then struggled to catch her breath for a moment before a deep hacking cough overtook her entire body. Her face contorted in pain, her eyes locked on Lee's as another wet cough rose in her aching chest. A series of coughs followed, one after another, deepening until the fit possessed her and she could barely even gasp between violent bursts. She twisted futilely, trying to lessen the agony as each cough ripped through her.

Lee looked to Ishay expectantly, panicked and twitching with the desire to run into the OR himself and haul the doctor out by the neck.

"Someone tell the doc that we need him out here ASAP!" Ishay shouted out the doorway of the trauma room.

"Wilco that," came the reply of a male voice, followed by the sound of hurried footsteps.

Slipping behind Lee in the tight space, Ishay abandoned the attempted IV insertion momentarily, instead setting up an oxygen tank and reaching to slip the breathing mask over Kara's mouth and nose. Kara flinched away from Ishay's hands, a bright flash of fear streaking across her face.

Lee squeezed Kara's hand gently, moving his face back into her line of sight, "Easy, that's just Ishay, she's putting that mask on you to help you breathe okay?"

Kara's stared at him in confusion.

"It's alright, just trust me, okay?" he asked.

After another cough tore its way from Kara's breast, she nodded silently, turning her head back towards Ishay.

The coughing fit slowly subsided, but it had clearly taken its toll on Kara's strength. She had to fight to drag each breath in and out through lungs choked with phlegm. The soggy gurgling sound of her breathing echoed ominously through the quiet room. Her face now had a waxy sheen of sweat and she'd lost even the unnatural flush of fever from her cheeks. Laying back with eyes drifting closed, the pale grey of Kara's skin was only worsened by the frightening, bluish tinge in her lips.

After what felt like an eternity to Lee, Kara's eyes blinked open and looked up at him again. She met his gaze and held it briefly. Seeing the anguish and confusion swirling in those deep pools of green, Lee felt his chest constrict even tighter. _Oh Kara, we'll get you through this. I promise._

Speaking softly in her ear, he answered the unspoken request he saw in her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere, Kara. I'm staying right here with you, I promise."

She nodded slightly, relief washing some of the desperation from her eyes.

"Okay," he said firmly, nodding back.

Her stare drifted away from his face then, unfocused eyes shifting towards the ceiling, as she continued to fight for air.

Ishay moved to Kara's left side. She'd determined it was the better option to try for the IV insertion, given her new awareness of the burns covering her patient's other arm. Efficiently cutting away the flight suit sleeve above her damaged hand, Ishay successfully put in the line and hooked up a bag of saline. Next, she activated the cold packs Lee had taken out, placing them around Kara's neck, armpits and groin to try and control her temperature and prevent another seizure.

"Can't you give her something to help her breathe?" Lee asked desperately, watching as Kara struggled. Her eyelids fluttered open and closed as her gaze wandered around the room without landing anything.

Ishay shook her head. "Not until Doc Cottle gets here. I can give her a mild analgesic but that's about it," she said calmly as she flashed a small pen light in Kara's eyes. "We have aspirators with meds, but if she needs surgery, any medication I give her for her breathing now could cause complications with the anaesthetic later. We can intubate, if her condition deteriorates much further, but right now she's managing well enough on her own."

Ishay smoothly reached for the main zipper of Kara's flightsuit. Kara resisted weakly but quickly gave up, her eye drifting closed again.

"Frak me!" the medic cursed as she opened the suit and caught sight of the marred skin beneath the stained fabric.

Helo recognised the odd, slightly sweet, burnt smell from Kara's cell but his eyes widened as he caught sight of its source. The thought of the burns on her arm had been bad enough to turn his stomach, but at the sight of her chest, he could barely keep his last meal safely in place.

Lee sucked air in through his teeth. Tearing his eyes away from the blisters and angry red welts that criss-crossed her bruised and mottled flesh, he looked into Kara's face, reminding himself that she needed him to stay present, stay with her.

Ignoring flashing thoughts of slowing turning a dull and rusty knife deeply embedded in Tom Zarek's throat, Lee stroked Kara's hair and talked to her soothingly. She drifted in and out, mumbling and crying out softly whenever she had enough breath to do so. The medic gently attached heart monitor leads to Kara's chest, carefully placing them between the welts and burns. The resultant reassuring beep of the machines seemed to echo across the Life Station, where it had become almost too quiet. After a another minute or two, Kara appeared to relax, her hand going limp in Lee's gentle clasp. He looked up questioningly at Ishay, but before he could say anything, Kara's hand suddenly clamped down on his like a vice.

"Ahhhhh!" Lee groaned in pain, snatching his hand away.

All thoughts of his hand scattered as he watched another seizure take over Kara's body. This one was more vicious than the last. Her neck craned up at an odd angle as her back arched sharply, lifting her torso clear off the gurney. Despite the injuries they'd sustained, her hands curled into awkward claws and pounded against her chest while her eyes rolled back in their sockets. Her entire body started twitching and jerking with the tension of her contracted muscles. A low gurgling sound drifted out of Kara's throat as the monitors beeped wildly.

"Keep her on the gurney!" the medic shouted. Lee worked with Helo to keep Kara from falling off as her body strained against itself. Ishay moved like lightning to fill a syringe with medication, but before she could administer it, Kara's seizing stopped and she lay eerily still on the gurney. The monitors, however, continued to scream in alarming tones. Suddenly, a single steady tone from the heart monitor cut through the other sounds, sending an almost visible wave of fear through the men clustered around the bed. They stared in horror at the flat line on the visual display.

"_MOVE!_" the medic yelled as she pushed past Lee to grab the crash cart that stood off to one side. Flipping switches and preparing the paddles Ishay looked over at Helo. "Get that O2 mask back on her. Your emerg certification up to date?" Helo nodded as he scrambled to replace the plastic mask on Kara's still face. "Good," Ishay continued, "so you know how to use this?" She asked, picking up a plastic pump that sat on the crash cart. Again, Helo nodded.

The medic tossed the pump to him, "Looks like she's given up breathing on her own so you'll have to bag her and make sure the oxygen from the tank is reaching her lungs. But for godssake, make sure you let go when I tell you to."

Karl scrambled to secure the pump to the oxygen mask and begin pumping.

Hearing the bizarrely friendly chirp which indicated the machine was ready, Ishay quickly placed the paddles on Kara's chest. "Hands off," she ordered, just before hitting the triggers.

Lee's heart trembled in his throat as he watched Kara's body jump sharply under the paddles. The monotonous single beep from the monitor did not change. The medic repeated the shock, cursing under her breath.

_Come on Kara, _Lee begged. _Not like this. _No response. Another violent shock. _You can fight this, you are not leaving me like this._ He felt his body flinch as hers recoiled from another application of the defibrillator paddles._ I am not losing you again. Please, Kara!..._ _Kara! _Lee screamed at her in his head, terror closing in on him until all he could hear was the steady tone from the monitor and all he could see was her pale, still face. Ishay backed off from Kara's body, staring sadly at the monitor.

Suddenly, the line on the visual display lifted and the steady tone was replaced by a slow but steady beep. _Gods be praised,_ thought Ishay as she sighed heavily and returned the paddles to their cradle on the cart and waved at Helo to let him know he could stop pumping.

Lee blinked rapidly. _She's back_, he thought quickly, letting out a deep sigh of relief as he watch Helo carefully detach the hand pump. Kara moved slightly, a faint groan slipping past her parched lips. Lee could see her eyes moving slowly behind closed lids, but she didn't open them.

The medic struggled to listen to her patient's chest without touching any of the wounds with

her stethoscope. She made notes on a chart as she listened to both the breath sounds and the heartbeat. Both were too rapid and too shallow. _Where is the frakking doc? _She cursed inwardly. Ishay knew he was working on a man who needed him too but it was killing her to stand here, unable to do anything. _Lords of Kobol, if you see it fit, please let him get here_ _before_– she was interrupted by the answer to her prayers.

Doc Cottle breezed into the trauma room, his usual unlit cigarette clamped between his lips. Pulling on fresh gloves as he cast an eye over the Commander, he quipped angrily "Did I rescind my order for bed rest or did you find yourself another Doc?"

Bill simply gestured at the form on the gurney. "It's Kara."

"What?" the doctor's head snapped around. "Why didn't someone tell me she was here?"

"You were in surgery, Sir," Ishay answered as Cottle stepped in, absently pushing past Helo and sending him stumbling aside.

"Gods be damned, that boy could have waited until I'd assessed - " his breath caught as he took in Kara's wounds. His eyes skimming quickly over her as he listened to the medic's report, he noted her injuries: the swollen hand and obviously broken fingers, the burns on her chest and arm, the black eye, the broken nose and even the slight swelling under the leg of her flightsuit that housed the knee he'd already operated on twice. Her laboured breathing concerned him most, along with her temperature and the seizures. He nodded as Ishay continued, listening with one ear while gently exploring and prodding Kara's chest and abdomen. Her eyes drifted open at his touch but her gaze still wandered around the room without landing on anything

"Well, she's obviously got a nasty infection of some kind. Let's get started with 20 cc's of spectracillin." Ishay quickly prepared a syringe and injected it into the I.V. line. The doc placed his own stethoscope on Kara's chest, looking her in the face and smiling gently. "Now, young lady, I thought I told you to stay the frak out of my Life Station after that last surgery."

Hearing his voice, her drifting eyes finally rested on the doctor, and Kara's face softened in recognition. She tried to smile, her breath coming in short gasps before she faded out again.

The Doc frowned as he moved his stethoscope to listen to different areas of her chest and abdomen. He snapped out numbers and abbreviations for the nurse to take down.

Lee watched his smooth efficiency with renewed panic building in his chest.

Placing the scope around his neck, Cottle gently probed his patient's abdomen. Kara gasped in pain and awoke once again.

"Frak you, _Zarek_," she hissed at the doctor as she resuming her thrashing. She continued to choke out curses and push at the doctor's hands but Lee could see her strength had waned

Stepping back in the hopes it would calm his patient, Cottle spoke in low voice, "We need to operate, now. It's risky with her fever so high and the rampant infection, but there's too much fluid in her lungs and I think she's got some serious internal bleeding that is increasing the pressure in her chest cavity and making it even harder for her to breathe," the doctor said to the Commander before firing off a list of instructions to the medic.

Bill nodded, waiting until the doctor was done and Ishay had begun collecting a blood sample from Kara. "How bad is it, Doc?" he asked, squinting at the other man through the wire-rimmed spectacles that had slipped slightly down his nose.

"I won't know for sure until we get her in there and are able to get a full picture of her condition but I'd say right now that between her temperature, the injuries, the malnutrition and the dehydration, she's going to need every bit of that fighting spirit of hers just to make it through the next few hours."

Feeling the doctor's words slicing neatly through the tatters of hope he'd been clinging to, Lee closed his eyes. Bill nodded again with a sad countenance as he watched his anguished son standing helplessly over the young woman they'd both grown so close to.

"We need to get her prepped for surgery. Everyone out!" Cottle barked, uncomfortable with the emotions swirling between the three men and the girl on the bed.

Lee looked up. _Leave Kara_? He'd only just gotten her back. _I can't leave her. I promised._

"Captain, that means you too."

"But I - " he stammered as he squeezed Kara's hand. The cold fist that had wrapped around his chest when he'd first seen her on the video display, seen her curled up alone on the floor, squeezed even tighter. She looked so small, so frail and vulnerable, lying quietly on the gurney. The only sign she was alive was the slight movement of her chest and the faint fogging of the plastic oxygen mask as her shallow breaths came and went but it was enough for him. Kara was alive and she was home. He hated to leave her alone once again but he knew there was no point in fighting with Cottle, promise or no promise. As he prepared to leave her side, his thoughts swirled. Memories, thoughts and emotions tangled in his head until he felt himself fighting for his own breath beneath the weight.

"Lieutenant would you please escort the Captain out?" Cottle asked Helo brusquely, knowing the young man wouldn't leave on his own and that every minute they wasted was going to make his work that much harder.

Helo limped awkwardly to stand behind Lee. He patted his shoulder, "C'mon Apollo, let's let the Doc do his thing."

Lee turned his head, startled, as if he'd forgotten anyone else was in the room.

"We gotta go so they can take care of Kara," Helo said a second time, quietly, giving his friend's shoulder a tug towards the door.

Lee nodded absently. He bent down over Kara's still form. "I gottta go, but I'll be back, okay, Kara? I promise. I'll see you soon" he whispered urgently, begging her to forgive his departure. Needing more, needing her to know she had to keep fighting, he fell into the familiar pattern of their relationship and his voice became more firm. "You hang in there. You're going to get through this, do you hear me?" he demanded, his voice breaking. "Starbuck? Do you copy? You hang in there and don't you dare let those _frakkers_ win this."

His voice rose slightly, the commanding tone she'd required of the newly appointed CAG all those weeks ago coming naturally now as he gave her his orders, "You are going to call the ball, sight the trap and nail this landing, _Lieutenant-_" Lee's voice caught once again but he pressed on forcefully. "Failure is not an option. You _will_ roll the hard six and you _will_ get your bird back on the deck in one piece. Do you get me, pilot? _Do you get me?_" he felt his control slipping as tears blurred his vision and his voice faltered. He took a deep shaky breath, trying to suppress the sobs that he felt building in his chest.

Blinking away the tears, he brushed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Good hunting Kara," he murmured before he stood up and reluctantly let go of her hand.

As her fingers fell away, he felt his heart stutter. The warmth the contact had brought was now replaced by a chilling emptiness. Standing only a foot away from her, he ached with the suddenness of the renewed separation. Helo nudged him gently towards the door. Drifting, empty and numb, Lee felt himself following his friend's prodding and realized he was moving away from her once again.

_No! Stay with her, hold her, keep her here. Don't leave her! _A voice inside his head screamed, pleading with him to turn back and cling to her side. He ignored it, resolutely forcing himself to do what needed to be done. _She needs me and I need her but right now, she needs medical attention more, _he reminded himself, fruitlessly trying to silence the voice.

"Commander, you get your sorry butt back in that bed and don't move it until I say so or I'll have them put restraints on you," Cottle snapped at Bill who nodded wearily and waved his hand in acquiescence. He wouldn't admit it, but he was at the end of his rope and was only too glad to be ordered to rest.

"Captain Adama, get the Commander to his bed and see that he takes the meds on his table," the doctor ordered, knowing the young man needed something to do. Having him look after his father was the only way to make sure Apollo wouldn't be hovering just outside the curtain the whole time.

Lee nodded absently. His mind, spent with emotion and strain, fell back on his training and automatically moved to follow the order. The old man wrapped an arm around his son's shoulders, as much to comfort the young man as to support himself.

Having previously noticed Lieutenant Agathon's pronounced limp as he moved around the table to where Apollo was standing, Cottle wasn't surprised to see the blood-soaked field bandage haphazardly wrapped around his thigh. The doc put a hand on Helo's chest as he passed by and looked up into his face with concern. "You should have said something," he said sharply.

Helo looked confused for a moment before glancing down at his leg. He shrugged, "It's not that bad."

"That the same leg I had to patch up after your little holiday on Caprica?"

Helo nodded grimly.

"Well, after you make sure the Commander is in his bed and has taken his meds, get one of the nurses to look at it, will ya?" Cottle said irritably. _Gods damn pilots, always thinking they're invincible, always fighting me every step of the way._

He glanced back at the other pilot in his care. _This one, though, I only hope she keeps fighting. _Glancing back at Helo, Cottle fired one last threatening glare at the tall officer.

Helo again nodded wearily in response and left the room to let the doctor and medic do their work.

Following the Adamas back to the other side of the Life Station, Helo watched silently as Lee helped his father onto the bed before dutifully holding out the small paper cup holding his pills.

Bill took them with a deep swallow of water from the glass Lee also held out. Laying back on the bed, he closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. Opening them, he saw Lee still standing close by, his face frozen, his eyes staring blankly off into space.

"Lee."

His son jerked at the sound of his name, his face twisted in pain and shock.

"Sit down, son," Bill said affectionately, reaching out to squeeze Lee's hand.

"No, I… I really should…" Lee tried to think of what he should be doing, where he should be but all he could think of was Kara's face as he left her, so still and vacant.

"Damn it Captain, if I have to lie here in this bed, you can sit in the gods-damned chair. And that's an order!" the Commander hissed, knowing his tone was harsh but also knowing it was the only way to get Lee to listen to him. He couldn't let his son run out of here; couldn't let Lee run away from him as he had been doing every time they'd come close to talking about Kara during the past few weeks.

Feeling as if he were moving on autopilot, Lee did as he was told and crumpled more than sat into the visitor's chair next to his father. Resting his elbows on his knees, his head fell into his hands. As his eyes closed, emotions washed over him, tearing him away and pulling him under.

A deep wracking sob emanated from his chest. He gasped, trying to relieve some of the intense pressure, but images of Kara, images of her before all this, kept swimming up through his mind only to be replaced by more recent images that slammed through him.

_The grin plastered across her face after her first solo viper flight in training. Her ashen and battered face when he found her on the rescue raptor._

_Her laughter as she spun easily around him to score on the pyramid court. Her eye rolling back into her head just before she started twitching on the gurney._

_The intensely focused look on her face as her viper screamed by his, chasing a raider. Those burns etched on her chest._

_Her eyes dancing as she revealed a winning triad hand. Her poor mangled hand, all swollen and twisted._

_The mildly shocked but amused look on her face as he pulled back from kissing her upon her return from Caprica. The terror in her voice and her eyes as she'd tried to fight him off when he was carrying her to the Life Station._

_The content smile on her glowing face after they'd made love the night before she disappeared. The look of terror that leapt across her face when she'd been awakened by those men in her cell._

Rage rose up in his throat like searing bile, the heat of it warring with the icy cold of fear that had wrapped around him hours ago and had slowly seeped in to saturate his body and soul. The emotions swamped his senses, twisting and pulling at him until he couldn't think, couldn't move.

Suddenly, through the dark chaos that had taken over his thoughts, he felt a gentle hand stroking his hair. The feeling tweaked a distant memory.

He heard a voice murmuring familiar words. The voice was deeper now and rougher than it had been, the last time he'd heard it saying those words, but it was achingly familiar. Lee felt himself relax, the sound of his father's voice reciting the prayer acting like a medicine that started to clear his thoughts and gently led him back from the darkness.

Bill lay in his bed, not knowing what to do when he'd heard that desperate sob but knowing he needed to do something. His boy was in pain and he could almost feel Lee slipping away from him. So he did the one thing he'd always done with his boys when they were small, every night when he'd been home and as often as he could over the wireless when he was away. He sat with him and recited the Lords' prayer.

Not being a particularly religious man, he'd started it out of a sense of parental duty and cultural habit: a child should say his prayers before bed. But it had become more than that to Bill. More than an exercise in spirituality, it had become his moment with his boys. A quiet moment they shared without having to do or say anything else. He'd missed it when they'd gradually slipped out of the habit as his sons had gotten older and his career had taken off.

Slipping right back into it as if he'd never stopped, Bill finished the child's version of traditional prayer. Sensing, that Lee wasn't ready to finish, though, he began again. He was relieved when he heard his son echoing him faintly, murmuring along with him, just as he had when he was small. Starting the prayer a third time, Bill shifted into the slightly longer version that adults were meant to repeat thirteen times, once for each of the thirteen tribes of Kobol.

After the first couple of lines Bill heard Helo, who was still standing at the foot of the bed, join in softly, followed by others from around the ward. Their individual voices merged into one as they recited the ancient words. Adama lay there, stroking his son's head tenderly, repeating the familiar words and finding peace in their message of hope and support as well as in the quiet joining of voices and souls.

"So say we all," he said, for the thirteenth time, hearing it echo around the room.

"So say we all," Lee repeated softly. He drew a deep shuddering breath and scrubbed at his face with the heels of his hands. Looking up, he saw his father's face raw with worry and pain.

"Dad, I - " his voice caught and broke. The darkness had receded but the rage of emotions still threatened to pull him back under.

"I know son, I know," his father nodded gently, resting his hand on Lee's cheek. The boy's eyes pleaded with him for help as Lee struggled to maintain control. Bill had never seen this kind of emotion in those eyes.

Those blue eyes that were all Carolanne. Bill had never been able to see any part of himself in them until now; until that look of desperate control barely blanketing a storm of grief and anger brought back the image he'd stared at in his own mirror, the morning of his youngest son's funeral.

Recognising his own emotional shortcomings in his son's face, Bill felt his heart shatter. He'd failed Lee. Somewhere along the line, perhaps all the way along the line, he had utterly failed his son.

Lee had been a sensitive and caring boy, but Commander Adama had wanted him to become a tough and efficient officer, not a thoughtful and compassionate man. Carolanne had understood Lee, had let him be who he needed to be, while Bill had pushed both boys into being what _he _wanted them to be.

Wishing his ex-wife were here to help their son through this was pointless but he caught himself doing it anyway. Pushing away his instinct to slip into old habits and draw a safe curtain of formality between him and his son, Bill gently stroked his thumb over the swelling that had started where Kara's fist had landed just over Lee's eye. Bill knew he couldn't undo the past but he could, and would, do whatever was possible to ease the torment obviously tearing Lee apart.

"Helo, why don't you go get that leg looked after?" the Commander asked the Lieutenant softly, his eyes never leaving his son's face.

Recognising the unspoken request for privacy, Helo limped away from the bed, shutting the curtain around it carefully as he left.

Bill sat up and gathered Lee into his arms. Feeling his son let go as wrenching sobs wracked his body, the Commander tightened his grip and gently rocked Lee as he hadn't since the boy had been too small to remember it ever even happened.

--

_Questions? Comments? Rants? Raves? I'd love to hear it all so be a pal and send me your thoughts, will ya?_


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

_A/N Some of you might notice that I've gone back and edited earlier chapters to correct a minor error with regard to terminology and the canon. I apologize for this error and hope no one was particularly peeved by it. If you don't know what it was, then I'm not going to tell you, I'm just going to let you live in_ _blissful ignorance and continue reading the story in peace :)_

_Thanks again to my wonderful Beta, Setivalen_, _who keeps me on track and always seems to know just which passages were giving me the most trouble._

**Chapter 13**

Lee was unsure of how much time had passed since Kara had been taken into surgery, but it felt like he'd been sitting next to his father's bed for ages. The events of the past few hours had taken a toll on the Commander, who was still recovering from his own illness, and Lee was glad to see the old man finally sleeping.

Someone else in the ward had turned on the wireless and Lee sat absently listening to a broadcast describing a recent pyramid match on Cloud Nine. _I didn't know they started a pyramid league in the fleet. I'll have to get Kara to go a game with me someti - _just like countless other time during the long weeks of Kara's disappearance, the thought flashed through his head instinctually before he remembered where he was, where Kara was, and what had happened to her. The weight of that recollection slammed through him, slicing neatly through the haze that had settled back around his heart and mind after he'd cried himself out earlier.

Overcome with emotion after he'd left Kara with Doc Cottle, Lee had been oblivious to his surroundings until he'd vented some of the intensity and gradually came back to himself. He'd been surprised, though somehow not embarrassed, to find himself resting his head on his father's chest while strong hands rubbed gentle circles on his back. Lee remembered how, when his sobs had subsided at last, his father had gently eased back and watched Lee's face for a moment. The Commander had cocked one eyebrow and broken the silence between them, speaking quietly, "Okay, Son?"

Lee had nodded in response, grateful for the comfort but unsure of how to break the contact.

Bill had flashed him a small knowing smile, wordlessly patting Lee's shoulder before laying back down in his bed. He'd sensed the awkwardness from his son and realized that while Lee made no move to leave his side, the young man needed a private moment to collect himself. Bill had closed his eyes and let himself sink back into the bed with a soft sigh . Once he knew Lee was alright, the fatigue and dull aching pain had washed over him and he was grateful to be able to lie down.

As he watched his father sleep, Lee had savoured the gentle fog that drifted back in to permeate his mind and body. The events that had transpired after the raptor landed were a blur of images and pain in his mind and he'd welcomed the numbing sensation as it had wrapped itself around him once again. If he'd tried, Lee probably could have sorted through the fragments of memories and obtained a clearer picture of what had happened--but he didn't want to. In this moment, all he wanted to do was sit quietly, watching his father sleep, and not think about anything until Doc Cottle returned to tell them Kara had made it through the surgery and was going to recover.

Much later, after the pyramid game had ended and the wireless broadcast ran through a couple different programs, the curtain around his father's bed twitched open and Doc Cottle slipped inside the makeshift room. He dragged out a cigarette and lit it with a sigh, looking more old and tired than Lee had ever seen him. Lee's heart dropped. _No._

_No._

_No._

The doctor cleared his throat and Lee felt like strangling him for taking so long to speak.

"Well," he said, examining his cigarette thoughtfully, "she's one tough girl." He looked up at Lee and the Commander, who was awakened by the sound of the doctor entering. Seeing the panic on their faces, Cottle tried to smile reassuringly but Lee noted that the gesture didn't chase the worry from the older man's eyes.

"Thrace made it through surgery."

Lee let out his the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. _She made it…she made it. She's going to be okay then--right?_

Looking back up at the Doctor's face, Lee knew Cottle had more to say and, judging from his deeply creased frown, the rest of his report didn't contain good news.

"She made it through," the Doctor repeated, "but she's not out of the woods yet. Her hand and knee are both in pretty bad shape but we'll have to wait until she's more stable before we attempt any orthopaedic surgery.

"She also has multiple broken ribs, one of which nicked her lung. Considering that, coupled with a raging case of bacterial pneumonia, acute bronchitis, and internal bleeding from blunt force trauma, I'm surprised she made it through the FTL jump, let alone the surgery. She has a pretty nasty concussion, a result of what looks like multiple contusions to head, as well potential brain damage caused by those seizures, but we'll have to wait until her fever breaks to ascertain if there's any permanent impairment. Also, the infection in her lungs has spread into her chest wall, because of the internal pulmonary wound."

Cottle paused here, a little distressed himself to be cataloguing so many injuries for one patient. Lee flinched involuntarily when the man continued. "She's got multiple infected lacerations on her arms, chest and back, as well as some nasty chemical burns."

Lee's head was reeling--he couldn't absorb all of what the doctor was saying-- he really only cared about one thing right now. "Can I see her?" he burst out, interrupting Cottle's litany of Kara's injuries and illness.

"Not yet," Cottle responded, compassion lacing his gruff voice. "We still need to clean, stitch and dress her wounds. Then the medics will clean her up and get her settled in one of the isolation rooms. We need to do everything we can to keep her away from any other sources of infection."

The doctor cleared his throat, shifting nervously on his feet, and Lee felt his stomach turn in a slow, sick roll; how could there be still more physical damage to report? How much could Kara's body endure?

"I don't know what you already know about what happened to her over there, but…it would appear that someone… well multiple people, uh…there was some damage to her, ah…" Cottle cleared his throat a second time.

"We know," Bill said quietly, guessing at what the doctor was trying to say. "We know she was raped."

"Oh. Okay…well then." Cottle took another drag on his cigarette. "I'm going to head back in and check on her. We're still running some tests, so it'll be another hour or more until you can see her."

Cottle looked sternly into Lee's eyes. "Why don't you take a break, Captain? Grab a shower and see if you can scrounge up some grub your old man will actually eat?"

Lee immediately shook his head, but as he withered slightly under the doctor's steely stare, he looked down and realized he was still in his running gear. Gods, he could barely even remember that run.

"Go on, Lee. Take care of yourself. You can see her when you get back," Bill coaxed.

Realizing that doing something would be better than spending more time just sitting and waiting, even if it meant leaving the Life Station for a while, Lee nodded slowly in acknowledgement.

Doc Cottle gave Lee a wink for encouragement, "Don't worry, Apollo, she's in good hands." He puffed out a cloud of smoke and then squinted through it. "You know, you might want to put some ice on that eye," he said, gesturing with his cigarette towards his own corresponding brow, by way of illustration. Reaching up, Lee was surprised to find he had a throbbing lump above his left eye. _How have I not noticed it in all this time?_ Furrowing his brow in thought, he vaguely remembered Kara hitting him.

After saying a quick good-bye to his father, Lee followed the doctor out of the curtained area. Making his way towards the main hatch out of the Life Station, Lee caught sight of Cally sitting quietly near the main hatch. She stood up when she caught sight of him, anxiety tensing her normally easy and eager grin.

Lee crossed to her, concerned. "Are you hurt, Petty Officer? I know the doc is busy but I'm sure one of the medics could-"

"No Sir," the young woman interrupted him with a shake of her head. "And, I'm not on duty or anything," she said quickly, not wanting the Captain to think she was shirking her work. "I just… I wanted to wait… I mean, there were rumours on the deck about where Starbuck was, about…" she licked her lips nervously, and continued in a low voice, "about… you know, what happened to her and I… I've stayed out of the way, I just had to wait and..." watching her twist her fingers in agitation, Lee again recalled Cally's own experience on the Astral Queen, and was furious with himself for not remembering it when he first saw her again.

"It's okay, Cally. It's fine you waited. I'm glad you did," he offered her a gentle smile. "She made it through surgery."

The young woman made an audible sound of relief, a smile slowly spreading across her face as she struggled to keep control of the tears that started to well in her eyes.

"Frakkin' Starbuck," she said affectionately, grinning up at the Captain.

Lee felt a genuine grin form on his own face, the first time he remembered that happening in longer than he could remember.

"Frakkin' Starbuck," he agreed before impulsively catching the deckhand up in a bear hug and swinging her around. Lee felt some of his own tension release as hope caught fire and began to glow deep in the pit of his stomach.

"What's this?" a deep, voice asked.

Lee looked up to see Helo lying on a bed near the hatch.

"She's not out of the woods yet," Lee said cautiously, echoing the doctor's words. He felt the anxiety immediately creep back into his soul as he said it. "But--" he forced the smile back, forced himself to focus on that glimmer of hope--"she made it through the surgery, and that's a big step."

Helo let the news sink in as he closed his eyes and rested his head back on the pillow. Even after so many hours, all he could see against his eyelids was the look of terror on Kara's face when she woke and saw him in her cell aboard the Queen. He did his best to suppress the image.

"You alright?" Lee asked, his voice tightening with concern as he noticed the Helo's pallor and then caught sight of the officer's heavily bandaged leg. Stripped down to his tanks and shorts, Helo lay with many layers of gauze wrapped around his thigh. Despite the thick padding, however, blood was beginning to soak through the layers of cloth.

"It's nothing," Helo said casually. "One of Zarek's men winged me as we reached the Raptor."

"Frak, Helo," Lee stood stock still beside his friend's prone form, the reality of mission he'd sent the man on fully sinking in. "Listen, Karl, I…"

Sensing his colleague, his captain, struggling, the pilot smiled a soft grin and shrugged, meeting Lee's eyes with a meaningful look. "It's no big deal," he repeated slowly, pursing his lips slightly. "We got her home, right? That's all that matters."

Lee nodded, seeing both the pain and relief hovering in Karl's eyes. He leaned in and grabbed the other man's shoulders in a fierce hug.

After brief moment, Lee stepped back and clapped Helo on the shoulder. "Thank you, " he said solemnly.

Helo tilted his head somewhat bashfully. "It's worth it, having her back here safe, " he said simply. "It would have been worth a lot more just to get her away from those animals."

Karl knew the CAG would eventually find out the bullet had actually done a fair amount of damage to the muscles in his leg, tearing through the scar tissue of his old wound, and that he would be grounded for weeks, if not indefinitely. He just couldn't bring himself to tell Lee, not yet. Karl rationalized his dishonesty by way of omission by reminding himself that he was still waiting on the doc's opinion. After all, the medic had said they wouldn't know anything for sure until they put him under the knife for his own surgery.

Helo enjoyed flying but he would survive just as well without it if his leg didn't heal. For Apollo, however, being grounded would be sheer torture. Helo knew that no matter how much he protested, Lee would assume this wound was the worst thing that could have happened to any pilot and would undoubtedly feel guilty for sending his friend to the Queen in the first place. _Lee's taken just about all he can handle_, Helo thought, remembering the sound of deep sobs echoing from the Commander's bed after he'd shut the curtain. He'd be frakked if he was going to add to his friend's burdens. Besides, to Helo, losing his flight status really did seem like a very small price to pay for getting Kara back.

Listening to Karl's comment, Lee nodded solemnly, the CAG part of his mind making a mental note to talk with Karl later about what happened on the Queen. There was something Karl wasn't saying, but it obviously wasn't anything Helo felt like disclosing yet and he seemed to be doing alright.

Another CAG thought struck Lee and he felt a twinge of guilt as he vaguely remembered a sea of concerned faces as he'd walked past the crew carrying Kara all those hours ago. He turned back to the young woman who stood quietly watching him and Helo, "Cally, can you go back to the deck and tell everyone there the news?"

"Yes, Sir," Cally snapped a quick salute before ducking out of the hatch.

Helo spoke again, continuing Lee's train of thought, "Colonel Tigh is on his way down here to debrief me. I'll ask him to make an announcement to the rest of the crew." When Lee's eyes dimmed with uncertainty, Karl quickly went on, "I'll make sure he keeps it brief. You know, just that she's back on board and receiving medical treatment." Lee nodded, grateful not to have to explain things to the acting Commander while his grip on his emotional control was still so slippery.

"A couple of the marines who were part of the mission have already unofficially posted themselves outside Life Station," Helo continued, jerking his head towards the main hatch, "to keep out rubberneckers and the like."

Lee didn't speak, but nodded again, glad Helo seemed to have taken care of everything. Lee felt better, in some respects, than he had in months but the remnants of all he'd been through in the past few hours still churned inside him and he didn't trust himself to think clearly yet.

"You should really grab a shower, Sir," Helo grinned easily, teasing a reflexive grin from Lee. "I mean, I know you've been busy but…" he made a sour face.

"Frak you." Lee punched him lightly on the arm before heading towards the hatch, thinking about how good a pummelling stream of hot water would feel right about now.

A random thought flitted across Lee's mind as he emerged from the Life Station and bobbed his head in appreciation to the two marines standing guard. With a satisfied smirk, he changed directions and headed away from the officer's head.

--

When Lee returned to the Life Station forty-five minutes later, he had showered, shaved, and changed into a clean uniform. He was carrying a covered tray and stepped carefully through the hatch. Although Apollo knew he still looked worse for wear, with the swelling over his eye beginning to turn a nasty mottled purple, he felt better than he had in weeks. Approaching his father's bed, he noticed that the curtain had been pulled back. President Roslin sat in the chair next to the Commander, chatting amicably. Lee set the tray down on the rolling table nearby.

"You look almost human," the Commander grinned, squinting up at his son.

"Wish I could say the same for you," Lee quipped, noting his father had actually gotten some colour back and did look somewhat rested. "I took a detour to the mess. You'll be happy to know Cookie's whipped up yet another batch of his fantastic Picon noodles..." Apollo's voice was deliberately sarcastic as he wheeled the table to his father's side.

"Ugh," the Commander grunted, his face puckering in distain.

"…so, I talked him into letting me whip up something else for your dinner," Lee finished with a grin as he whipped the cover off the tray and scooted the overhanging tabletop in front of his father with one smooth motion.

Looking down into one of two dishes on the tray, the Commander sniffed. An incredulous smile lit up his face. "Karlach? How in the worlds?? - I didn't know you knew..."

Pleased, Lee smiled a little awkwardly, "I had to bust my-" his eyes flashed to the President and he cut himself short before the curse slipped out, "uh, well, I had work pretty hard to trade within the fleet for some of the spices. It was supposed to be for your birthday but I figured…" he shrugged, suddenly embarrassed, "…I figured it would do you more good now."

Bill lifted a spoon towards his mouth, inhaling the fragrant scent of the thick reddish liquid filled with floating pieces of vegetables and meat. He closed his eyes blissfully as he savoured his first taste the soup.

"It's not exactly Grandpa's recipe," Lee said quickly. "I couldn't get all the same vegetables, and the choice of meat was pretty- "

"It's perfect," Bill said tenderly, cutting off Lee's apologetic rambling. Lee was surprised to see his father tearing up.

"I, well… umm… Grandpa, he taught Zak and me when we stayed at their house one summer. You should have seen it--Zak's first batch actually burnt out the bottom of one of Grandma's best pans," Lee stammered, trying to lighten the mood.

His father began digging into his soup heartily. Finally remembering his manners, Lee turned to the President. "Madame president, would you like some? It's a family recipe," he said as he held out the other bowl.

"Oh no, you go ahead Captain," she smiled warmly, glad to see both of the Adama men acting more like themselves.

"No, really-- " Lee was interrupted by the sight of Doc Cottle emerging from the isolation area where he'd been working on Kara. The three individuals froze as the doctor approached them.

"She's holding on. I wish she was showing more improvement but I'm glad to say she's not doing any worse," he added quickly, reacting to the three worried faces before him. "Thrace's fever is still high and if her breathing doesn't improve soon, we'll have to put her on a respirator but she's been cleaned up and is fully bandaged. We've done all we can—now we have to wait and hope the antibiotics do their job." Turning to Lee, knowing how hard the wait had been on him in particular, the doctor answered the anticipated question. "Now, you can come in and see her."

Lee gasped slightly and looked to his father for support. Listening to the doctor, Apollo's hopes had faltered. _She's holding on but she's not improving. She survived the surgery but she still might not make it._ What would he do if she didn't? What would he do if he really did lose her once and for all? That thought sent a spear of ice through his heart and he caught himself raising his hand to absently rub at his chest as if to relieve the aching throb that resounded deep within him.

He felt a strong hand squeeze his shoulder. "Go on, son," Bill prodded.

Lee moved forward slowly, suddenly scared to see her again. Scared of the seeing those wounds etched across her pale skin, scared of the anger that image stirred in him…but most of all, scared of the feelings of helplessness sure to wash over him if he had to sit watching Kara struggle just to stay alive. Hating to see her in that condition, but needing to be with her nonetheless, he tightened his jaw and unconsciously squared his shoulders, his soldier's persona settling around him like a suit of armour.

Laura softly called out to Lee as he was leaving, "Captain? Tell her we're all thinking of her and praying for her."

"I will. Thank you, Madame President." Lee followed the doctor towards the isolation area.

When Lee was no longer in sight, Bill turned his attention back to Laura, nudging the other bowl of soup towards her. "Go on…he won't eat it when it's cold anyway."

"Oh no, it sounds like it's something very special… I couldn't."

"Go on," Bill repeated, noting the fatigue around his companion's eyes and thinking she could probably use a good hot meal herself. "It's no good reheated and Lee always hated it cold, even as a child."

"Are you sure?" Laura asked again, narrowing her eyes as she tried to determine whether or not the Commander was just being polite.

"Positive."

She nodded in acquiescence, satisfied with his frank tone. She knew the Commander was taking care of her but she didn't really mind. Laura thought, as she had many times before, how difficult all these months would have been if they hadn't struck up their comfortable semi-friendship. How many times had Bill helped her through a difficult decision? Despite their differences of opinion surrounding the return to Kobol, she felt a deep affection for the gruff military man.

Partly to humour him, partly because she was starving and the soup smelled too good to resist, Laura picked up the second spoon and sampled Lee's cooking.

She said, with a twinkle in her eye, "Mmm, I think that perhaps your son missed his calling when he chose to be a pilot."

Bill chuckled. "You've never really seen him fly," he said proudly.

They ate the rest of the meal in silence. The two leaders were relieved to know the young woman who meant so much to both of them was, at last, safely home and were content to focus on Kara's immediate progress, refusing to give voice to the concerns that would remain hovering above their heads until the Doctor proclaimed the brave pilot out of danger entirely.

--

_So, that's it for this one, folks. What did you think? To be honest, I'm struggling with the pacing and just where to go next in terms of keeping up the intensity and not digging myself into a hole so I'd love to hear what everyone thinks in terms of how the last few chapters have gone. As always, thanks for reading!_


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N: Wow, hey there. It's been a while, eh? I'm really glad you've stuck around for this next chapter. I deeply apologise for the delay, my school work got the better of me and I just couldn't spare the time or the energy to finish off this chapter, but believe me, I've felt terrible for leaving you hanging like that._ _Most of this chapter has actually been written for a while but after losing my beta, for reasons which I totally understood and have no hard feelings about whatsoever, I kind of got a little stalled and felt like it was never quite ready. I've come to terms with the fact that it will never feel ready and realized I just need to post it and get on with the story. Anyway, I'm hoping that publishing this and hearing from you readers will get me rolling again._

_Just FYI, this chapter has not been betaed so any errors in it are totally my fault. Since no one else has read it yet, I would really appreciate your feedback on it so please, please do me a favour and send me a note once you reach the end. _

* * *

Chapter 14

Lee stood frozen at the foot of Kara's bed.

Cottle had made him scrub his hands and don surgical drapes and a mask before he'd been allowed into the isolation room. The doc had also drawn blood and taken Lee's temperature to make sure he wasn't carrying any acute infections, rambling on about "opportunistic bugs", but Lee had barely even registered his voice. He'd sat patiently, willing the older man to hurry up and at the same time, wishing he would take forever. As long as he sat there waiting while Cottle did his work, Lee could hold off the apprehension that had been building in his chest ever since the doctor had announced he could see Kara. Part of him longed for her, as it had for weeks now, but another part of him just wanted to turn away, run as far as he could from the Life Station, bury himself in work and never again have to think about what had happened to her.

_Gods, how are we going to deal with all this? Even if she makes it, how can she possibly get over this? How can I get her through this? How can I get through this? It's too much, it's just all too much._

Images of her battered face had intermingled with memories of what the men on the Astral Queen had done to her, flickering through Lee's mind as the doctor finished checking him over. Red hot rage had burned through him as he thought about just how long she'd been gone and how long those animals had held her, kept her, abused her. His heart had broken as he thought of her alone and frightened, trapped in that cell all that time. Had she thought of him? Had she blamed him? What would she say when they finally were able to talk? How was she going to deal with what had happened to her? How could Tom Zarek sink to such hideous depths? What would they do with him and his men now? He had ground his teeth together, pushing the very graphic and very violent images of what he'd like to do to his one time ally from his mind as he tried to pay attention to what the doctor said as he led Lee from the exam area to Kara's isolation room.

At last, standing frozen at the foot of the bed as he looked down at Kara once again, Lee felt his breath catch. In that moment, the swirling and scattered thoughts emptied from his mind. He thought of nothing but her and his need to be there, to be with her, through whatever lay ahead.

She looked so small and fragile lying there against the slightly raised head of the bed. Two bright spots of fever-heat flushed her cheeks and stood out sharply against the pallor of the rest of her face. Her right forearm was swathed in a large white bandage while her left was wrapped in a plaster cast from her fingertips to half way up her forearm. The oxygen mask still covered her mouth and nose and there were all sorts of tubes and wires connecting her to machines around the bed. The blood and grime had been washed away, leaving her face looking even more gaunt and hollow than when he'd last seen it.

_That's not Starbuck._ _That can't be Kara._ _Not my Kara_. He caught himself waiting for her to sit up and grin at him, pulling off the tubes as she leapt out of bed challenging him to a race around the ship. _She's not __**your**__ Kara, remember? You made that clear the night before she disappeared. Right after you frakked her but right before you ran out on her, you bastard_. Cursing himself, Lee shook his head to clear his thoughts as he stared down at the woman who was a mere shadow of his best friend; a shadow of the woman he loved so desperately, if so poorly. _Whatever else we may or may not be to each other, whatever we do to each other, I can honestly say that she is my best friend. Even if she hates my guts_, _she is the best friend I have. The best friend I've ever had._

"Go on," Cottle gave him a gentle nudge towards the side of the bed, breaking into Lee's thoughts. "I know all the monitors and tubes are intimidating but most of them can come off once she wakes up and we know she's stabilized," he said, keeping his voice light and encouraging.

_If she wakes up and stabilizes._ Cottle kept that thought to himself.

"Go on and talk to her, son. She's pretty doped up and with that fever so high, she's gonna be pretty out of it for a while, but she can still hear you."

Lee made his way to Kara's side and automatically slipped his hand over hers. The comfort of that simple contact seeped through him, clearing his head and draining away some of the tension from around his chest. He leaned over her, willing himself not to look at the bruises and cuts. Unsure of what to say, he cleared his throat.

"Ah, hey there, Kara."

_My Gods_, he'd waited weeks, desperately praying for the chance to see her again, to talk to her just once more, and now that she was here, that was the best he could manage?

"I, well, the President and the Old Man want you to know everyone's sending you their thoughts and prayers."

He reached up to gently sweep a lock of hair off her forehead and lingered, softly stroking the smooth skin of her cheek. Even with the lightest of touches he could feel the alarming heat of Kara's fever warming his fingertips.

Looking closely, he realized for the first time just how thin she really was. Lifting her in the raptor, he'd known that she had lost a fair amount of weight but looking at her now, the reality of it hit home like a fist slamming into his belly. The hallows in her cheeks and under her eyes stood out harshly under the bright hospital lights and the bones in her wrist and hand dug sharply into his. Anger twisted in the pit of his stomach. _It's not just that they didn't feed her enough, they were actually starving her. Those frakking monsters! _Through the blaze of anger a second thought crossed his mind and turned his gut to ice. _Gods, what would have happened if we hadn't been in wireless range?_ The answer to that question was simply too hideous for him to consider so he pushed it aside before it could take root in his mind.

Focusing on Kara, he pushed the anger aside as well, promising himself that there would be time for that later. His father and the president were going to deal with Zarek and he could be sure they wouldn't let him get away with this without being punished.

"Kara? Well, I... I don't know what to say," he laughed self-consciously and looked up to see that the doctor had left them alone. He sat carefully on the edge of her bed, stroking his thumb across the back of her hand, relishing the opportunity just to be in her presence again.

She groaned softly, shifting her head on the pillow.

Lee stood up immediately and bent back over her, "Kara? Can you hear me?" he called softly.

Her eyelids fluttered, he could see her eyes moving frantically back and forth.

"Kara? Hey, hey, it's ok. It's me, Lee. You're home. _Kara?_"

Suddenly, her eyelids flew open and she gasped, her face twisting in fear. Her glazed eyes landed on Lee and she snatched her hand away from his, bringing it up to shield her face.

"No!" she rasped.

_Not again, not again… No more, please lords, I can't take any more... Suck it up, Starbuck. You said you'd fight until you couldn't fight anymore... Are you just gonna lie there and let him do whatever he wants to you or are you gonna man up and make that bastard sorry he ever came in here?_

"Hey, it's ok," Lee said soothingly, as she thrashed weakly on the bed, trying to fight him off. Worried she might dislodge one of the wires or tubes he called for Cottle. He tried to take her hand again, to make contact and bring her back to herself. She twitched away from his touch, cursing and calling him 'Zarek'.

Suddenly the doctor was standing on the other side of bed, "Take her arm Apollo."

"But she - "

"She's going to hurt herself," he growled. "She's going to pull out her stitches or worse unless we can keep her still."

Feeling his heart skip as she flinched away from his touch yet again, Lee grasped her wrist as gently as he could and placed a hand on her shoulder, holding her down on the bed. His fingers circled her once slender but now boney wrist too easily and he could feel her collar bone digging into his hand as she struggled against him.

_Noooo. Two of them, I can't fight two at once. No, no, no, no... Yes you can, gods damn it, Starbuck, and you are going to... You are going to keep fighting. You. Do. Not. Quit._

Looking up at Cottle who was holding Kara's down on the other side of the bed, Lee could see the concern etched across the older man's face.

Kara continued to thrash, dislodging the oxygen mask as she flung her head back and forth cursing at them.

"Can't you give her a sedative or something?" Lee asked, worried that their restraint was making things worse.

Cottle shook his head, "I already did and with the shape she's in, I can't take the risk of upping the dose. If this keeps up, we can put her in soft restraints."

"Tie her down?" Lee had an image of Kara strapped down to the bed. He shook his head violently, "No, we can't do that. She…"

An image flooded back, one he hadn't thought of in years. In training at the academy, they'd had to tie a partner up as part of an hand-to-hand unit. Kara's eyes had gone wide when the training officer had explained the exercise but she'd managed well enough until the meathead who'd volunteered to be her partner had tightened the ropes more than he needed to and, when the training officer stepped out the room, he'd left Kara bound on the floor and refused to untie her.

Kara had lost it.

Lee had heard her screaming at the other nugget from across the room. Leaving his own partner, he'd gotten to her, pushed the other young man aside and loosened the ropes just as her panic attack reached its peak. She'd lain there gasping, her face ashen and dripping with sweat as her partner feigned innocence, telling Lee he 'hadn't done nothing'.

Kara had run out of the room as soon as she caught her breath and it had taken Lee over an hour to find her sitting alone with an half empty bottle of gut-rot moonshine on the roof of their barracks. She had admitted to Lee that she'd beaten her partner soundly in triad the night before and 'may have' rubbed it in a little more than necessary.

Not wanting to excuse the other cadet's behaviour, but knowing that the ropes really hadn't been all that tight and that Kara was more upset than she let on, Lee had pressed his friend. All he'd gotten out of her, between a mixture of drunken jokes about the apparently dubious ancestry of her partner and sullen silences during which she would just stare into space and sip from her bottle, was that she 'had always hated' being tied up. Despite the fact that he'd accepted her offer to share the moonshine and had done his best to quickly consume the lion's portion of what was left in a pointless attempt to keep Kara from drinking herself sick, Lee had had the wits not to ask her how someone got enough experience to know they had 'always' hated something like that.

The idea of her being tied down now, especially after all she'd just been through, was just not acceptable. Lee looked down at Kara. She was still struggling but her strength seemed to be waning.

"She had some bad experience a long time ago, she just can't take it," he said simply.

"The abuse?" Cottle asked quietly as he struggled to keep Kara still without hurting her broken hand.

"What- How did you know?" Lee asked incredulously. How could the doctor know something he himself had only guessed at?

"I've had my suspicions for a while. Our scans showed multiple old breaks and she's got some suspicious entries in her record of medical history but it was mostly the things she's talked about while she's been out of it," the doctor shrugged, "they confirmed my suspicions."

Lee felt a shiver run through him, guessing vaguely at something and hearing someone else confirm it with evidence were entirely different things.

As the men were talking, the exertion was starting to takes it's toll on Kara who was gasping and coughing. Lee began to worry as her lips started to pale.

"Can't you try giving her something else? At least until the fever breaks?" he asked the doctor desperately.

"No, we can't take that chance with her breathing compromised like this."

Ishay entered the room, "Doctor, I've finished prepping the samples of the foetal tiss-" she stopped short as the doctor fired her a fierce look.

"What??" Lee asked, looking from the doctor to the medic in shock.

"Ishay, make yourself useful and replace her oxygen mask, would you?" Cottle snapped, jerking his head irritably towards the mask that had slipped down around Kara's neck.

Lee felt Kara's strength giving out and, keeping his grip firm on her wrist, he shifted to lean over her again, trying to get into her line of vision.

_I'm so tired, please gods, just take me home… NO! No, you don't quit that easy Thrace. Remember what Lee said? You can't let these frakkers win, remember?... Lee? When did Lee say that? Lee's here?_

"Kara?"

_I know that voice. Oh, please let it be real this time, please let it be him._

She flinched away from him automatically, the look of fear that was becoming far too familiar reappearing briefly before she recognised his eyes above the mask.

_Those eyes. I know those eyes. Oh thank the lords. _

"Lee?" she gasped, her struggles slowing.

"Yeah, it's me."

_She see me!_ He felt like crowing, his heart lifting with the relief that washed across her face. He grinned at her, relieved to not only feel the tension drain out of her body but also to see the fear vanish from her smoky green eyes.

"Lee?" she begged desperately. _Please, tell me that's you. That it's really you._

He nodded in response to his name, realizing that she couldn't see his smile through the mask. Her eyes were still bright with fever and she was far from being fully aware of what was going on but she _was_ seeing him.

_Lee, help me, I can't keep fighting. They're too strong and it just hurts so much. I'm so close to the end, please, you need to fight this one for me. Please forgive what I did that night and just help me through this. Please, Lee!_

Her face twisted in anguish. He felt his heart do the same as he released her wrist and closed his hand over hers. It felt so small and so cold, a startling contrast to her flushed face.

"Lee, oh Gods…Lee… I…"

She struggled not to cry and he could see her biting her lip through the clear oxygen mask. _Lee, you have to forgive me, it wasn't what you thought… If I could just explain it to you, please Lee…_

He had no idea what she was thinking, as her eyes bored into his, but she was obviously still distressed.

"I know, shhhhh. Whatever it is, it's okay… Shhhhh…."

He stroked the matted hair off her damp forehead.

"Lee, I'm sorry… I didn't meant to…It wasn't what…"

She started coughing but held his eyes. Her gaze burned into him.

"Shhhhh. It's alright. Just be still, okay?" his voice trembled as his heart ached with the pain etched across her face. He continued stroking her hair as he leaned closer. "Just focus on your breathing," he said in a low voice. "Just relax now, Kara. It's okay."

"I… I wanted to tell you… I'm just so… sorry…"

She broke down coughing again. Lee felt the bed shake with each rattling cough, her breath dragging wetly in between gasps. Lee was so focused on trying to calm Kara down, he didn't even register what she was saying.

"Shhhh," he repeated, cupping her cheek with his palm. "You can tell me whatever it is later, okay? Just relax and breathe, Kara. Please?" his eyes pleaded with her.

Her body not offering her much a choice, she closed her eyes and leaned back, focusing on her breathing and fighting to deepen each breath. Black spots swirled at the edges of her vision as the room seemed to sway around her.

"That's it," Lee murmured, "nice deep breaths." He ran his thumb soothingly over the back of her hand.

Cottle instructed Ishay to add a low dose of bronchodilator medication to the oxygen to help open Kara's airways and give her another injection of serisone to help reduce the fluid that had built up in her lungs.

After what felt like an eternity, the medication began to work and Kara started to regain some control of her breathing, even if it was still far too rapid and shallow for the doctor's liking.

She slowly opened her eyes again. _I'm just so tired Lee. I'm sorry, there's so much I should say but I'm so tired._

Lee could see that she was spent. He leant down gently and, forgetting they weren't alone, slipped his mask down to place a cool kiss on her forehead.

"Try to rest now. You're home safe."

_Home. Safe. Lee says I'm safe. I can stop fighting now. _Kara nodded, her eyes already drifting shut. _I'm not quitting, I'm safe. It's okay. _

At the sound of a heavy sigh of relief from Cottle Lee jumped back, slipping the mask back into place guiltily.

Waving at the mask, Cottle shook his head, "Your blood test came back negative. You're ok without it."

Lee tossed the mask aside and rolled his shoulders to get rid of some of the tension that tugged at his neck. Suddenly, he remembered what the medic had said when she entered the room.

"Doc…"

Cottle sighed heavily, knowing what Lee was about to ask, and jerked his head towards the foot of the bed. Lee followed him to the doorway of the small room.

The doctor stepped in close and spoke in a low voice, "I probably shouldn't be telling you this before she even knows," he sighed, "but none of this is going to be easy on her and if she makes it through this, physically, she's going to need all the emotional support she can get." _If we can get her to actually accept any help, that is, _he thought, thinking back to Kara's attitude the last time she'd be laid up in the Life Station_._ _And this is a hell of a lot worse than just a frakked up knee._

Steeling himself for Lee's reaction, Cottle growled out, "She was pregnant."

Lee felt his breath catch, he'd been staring at Kara and not really paying attention to Cottle. All he heard was the last word as it echoed around in his head. _Gods_. _She never wanted kids and now on top of all this_… Suddenly putting the pieces together, his stomach dropped. She'd been raped only hours before, it was too early for that to show up on tests. _It must have happened – Gods!_ Lee felt his head swim even as his heart lifted. _Pregnant. A baby. My baby. Our baby._

"How-" he had to clear his throat, "how far along is - wait," the full impact of what the doctor had said hit him and he felt his heart plummet, "you said _was_."

Cottle nodded sadly, "We lost the baby. She started bleeding while she was in surgery. We didn't know she was pregnant but it looks like the foetus died a few hours before we got her back here to Galactica. There was nothing we could have done, even if we'd known. Given the trauma and lack of nutrition that girl's experienced, it's not really a surprise that she lost it. In fact, I'm surprised she managed to carry it as long as she did, under the circumstances. We can't be too sure yet but it looks like she was somewhere between six and eight weeks along."

Just about seven weeks ago, Kara had disappeared. It was his. _My baby. _Had been his. Dumbfounded, Lee stared at the doctor. _Another baby, gods, another dead baby._

Clearing his throat, Cottle went on, "Well, we'll run some more tests to be sure about things. We don't know yet if the miscarriage will affect her fertility in the future. We'll run some more tests when she's gotten some of her strength back." The doctor patted the young man's shoulder, wearily before he sighed and turned to leave.

"Doc? Uhm, you said you haven't said anything to Kara yet? About this, I mean?"

"No, she's not really up for hearing much of anything yet."

Lee nodded, "Can you hold off? I mean, can I... I just… I think I should be the one to tell her."

Cottle pierced him with a curious look before nodding, "Sure thing, kid."

Walking slowly back to her bedside, Lee felt tears welling up in his eyes. So much had happened in so little time: he'd gone from trying to deal with having lost Kara to seeing her beaten and raped; waiting for the return of the raptor and then waiting again as she went through the surgery; and now, there was all this about a baby. He wiped a shaking hand across his eyes.

_Gods_. _A baby._ It felt like every time he started to get his footing and adjust to what was happening, something else blindsided him and he was knocked back under. This latest blow cut deep. He knew he was dangerously close to losing his grip again. _Pull yourself together, Adama._

The image of Kara slipping a swaddled bundle into his arms flashed through his mind, _'Here you go, Papa,' she said as she grinned up at him from the bed_. He felt a sob building in his chest. Lee crushed that image quickly.

_There is no baby. There's just Kara and she needs you. Suck it up, Apollo, and focus on Kara_.

Kara stirred on the bed. He leaned over her, forcing a smile just as her eyes snapped open and her face twisted in fear once again.

_NO! Not again! Lee said I was safe, how can Zarek be here?_

The doctor rushed back to her side as she began to thrash and curse at Lee.

--

Outside, in the main ward of the Sickbay, Bill and Laura were sitting and chatting, having finished their soup.

After a moment's pause, Bill fixed the President with his best steely look, squinting slightly through his spectacles, "So, are you gonna tell me what's happening with Zarek and his men or are you waiting for me to beg, Madame President?"

Laura blinked, the transition from visiting with Bill to meeting with Commander Adama caught her off guard, even though she knew it would happen eventually.

"Well, Commander," she returned his use of the formal title as she slipped off her glasses and clasped them in one hand. Shaking her dark hair back from her face, she returned his even stare, "the Astral Queen is being held in orbit around Kobol by your vipers." Bill nodded but didn't speak, waiting for her to elaborate. "As for what we are going to do with the ship and its crew, it would appear that we are undecided as to how to proceed. I have been speaking with Colonel Tigh and, unfortunately, we seem to be at odds with regard to how to deal with these… _men_," Laura maintained her professional demeanour until reaching the last word which she couldn't help but spit out as if it rankled her tongue.

"Oh?" Bill asked, "And just how are you at odds?"

"Your Colonel wants to simply destroy the Queen where she sits, summarily executing every soul on board. He has intimated that we could keep the whole event under wraps, officially stating that they tried to flee or fired on the vipers and were destroyed according to military protocol. Obviously, Commander, you understand that we cannot do this. We must uphold Colonial law and recognise that these men have a right to a fair and just trial, no matter how abhorrent their actions; that we cannot simply execute all those men just to fulfil our own need for vengeance or retribution. I know that the Colonel is acting Commander on the Galactica but since you retain your executive power with regard to larger military matters, you and I will have to come to an agreement on this."

Bill looked away, staring down at his hands as they rested in his lap.

Laura continued, her voice rising emphatically, "Surely, you agree with me, Commander? That no matter what the circumstances are, we must maintain our civil structures if we are to have any hope of keeping this transient settlement of ours in any semblance of order?" she paused, but when Adama did not respond she went on, "You don't honestly agree with Tigh, do you? Commander? You can't possibly think we should just execute them without a trial?"

"No," his deep voice rumbled quietly in contrast to the President's agitated tone, "no, I don't agree that those _animals_ should just be killed."

_That's too easy, too painless, _he thought. _They must be __**punished**__._ The image of Kara's battered face laying pale against Lee's shoulder flashed through his mind. His intertwined fingers tightened on each other until they ached.

Roslin moved to speak again but he raised his hand as he looked up to meet her gaze once more, "But I don't agree with your position either, Madame President."

Laura snapped her mouth shut and did her best not to glare at him. This time, it was she who waited for him to explain himself further.

Commander Adama sighed heavily, "I do not agree that this is a civil legal matter. An independent political body that previously threatened our government, and was therefore declared a hostile entity, took one of my pilots prisoner and held her without cause for an extended period. This taking and holding of a prisoner constitutes an act of aggression against the fleet, initiating an active conflict situation between our military and theirs, such as it may be. We emerged the victors in that conflict and now must deal with the enemy according to military law. Their treatment of her goes against the rules of engagement enacted during the second Colonial civil war and it is a matter for a military tribunal to sit in judgement of, not a civil court."

"That's a load of horseshit and you know it, Commander," President Roslin snapped as she stood quickly and began to pace up and down in the small space between the bed and the privacy curtain. "Zarek and his men were exiles from the fleet, they are not an independent political body and you were never at war with them! Technically, before their exile, they were Colonial prisoners on probation, they have obviously breeched that probation and committed acts contrary to the Code of Laws; the code that has governed our people for hundreds of years. They should answer to a jury of their peers, of civilians, just as they would have if this had occurred before the Cylon attack."

She paused before turning to fix Bill with a searching look. _What's going on, why does he want this tribunal instead of a civil trial? He doesn't actually think a civilian jury might let these men go free, does he?_ Deciding she needed more information, she quickly changed tactics, "Okay, so let's say, for the sake of argument, that I agree and you get your military tribunal. What does that mean exactly? What does a 'military tribunal' look like?" She stood with her arms resting across her chest staring down at him intently.

Bill was not thrown off by her shift in focus. He had expected her to continue arguing with him but had worked with her long enough now to be prepared for her tendency to shift gears and try different approaches when trying to resolve a conflict between military and civilian interests.

"A military tribunal, in this type of case, would consist of a panel of high ranking officers who review the facts of the case before passing judgement and sentence, should the accused be found guilty."

"And, in this specific case, those 'high ranking officers' would include you, Colonel Tigh and…?" Roslin said knowingly, realizing just what Bill was trying to do.

"Well, yes, according to the Standards of Military Justice, the tribunal panel would consist of the highest ranking officers available. Specifically, Madame President, it would be comprised of between three and six of said officers, depending on the situation."

"Ahh, I see. So, in our current situation, that would be, let me see: you, the Colonel," she counted their names off on her fingers, "and Doc Cottle. Am I correct?"

Bill paused, squinting up at her. "Yes, I suppose we would be the three highest ranking officers aboard the Galactica," he said icily. "Captain Adama could also be added to that group if the panel felt the inclusion of a fourth member was warranted in this case."

"Well, that is certainly a fair and just panel of men who are in no way involved in the case personally," Roslin muttered angrily as she stared down at the Commander.

"Personal involvement with the case has nothing to do with this," Bill snapped, his patience running thin. "The military Standards of Justice were designed to ensure that knowledgeable and responsible parties impart judgement over matters of military action, not a bunch of so-called unbiased laypeople making decisions about matters they know nothing about. This is about the treatment one of _my_ people received at the hands of an enemy and it is _not_ a civil matter," he finished firmly.

"And I say again, _horseshit_. This has nothing to do with your military Standard of Justice. This was not an 'independent political body' that did something to 'one of your pilots'. This is a group of Colonial citizens who, despite the fact that they committed unspeakable acts against another citizen, still deserve a full trial under Colonial law!" the President cried before she turned and resumed her pacing.

_Gods, can she be mule-headed! Of course this isn't about protocol. Zarek hurt one of my people and this is not a civil case, no matter what the President thinks. I will not let her turn this into a political event, a media circus or a platform of any kind. One of my own was harmed and I will be the one to punish those who hurt her._

"You don't think _he_ deserves to be _punished_?" he asked, his voice dropping to an accusatory snarl as the anger that had been simmering under his skin since this all began caught fire once again.

Laura froze, her back to the Commander. "Of course I want them to be punished, Commander Adama," she said coldly without turning. _You have no idea how much I want them to be punished, to be ripped and torn to pieces as they scream and beg for mercy,_ she thought. Unconsciously wrapping her arms defensively around her chest, she stood stock still with her back to the Commander, not trusting herself to let him see her face until the wash of fury and panic had receded.

"I don't see why this matters so much to you, this civil trial business," Commander Adama objected vehemently. His chest was beginning to ache again and a steady throb had begun drumming behind his eyes but he was damned if he was going to give up this fight, "We have video records of their acts, we'll have Kara's testimony. It's not like there will be any real discussion with regard to their guilt or innocence-"

"And yet you feel the need to push for your military tribunal anyway," Roslin interjected. Back under control, she turned to face him once again, anger snapping in her eyes, "Why not let me go ahead with the civil court if you are so sure of a conviction?"

"Because this is not a civil matter, end of story-" Bill caught his voice as it began to rise towards a shout. He lowered his tone but she felt the sear of his anger all the more in his quiet rage, "Gods damn it, _Roslin_, these men will get what they deserve, there is no question about that!"

"And you have to be the one to give it to them, right?" she retorted, her own frustration and anger spilling into her tone. The stony look on his face made her want to scream and stomp her feet like a two year old. There was obviously no point in debating the merits of their respective positions any further.

Instead of arguing, then, she decided to stop tip-toeing around, "Commander, let's cut the crap, shall we? This isn't about civilian versus military law and this isn't about the President and the Commander struggling for authority within the fleet. This is about _you,_"she punctuated her words by jabbing her finger at him, "wanting to _punish_ Tom Zarek for what he did to _Kara_. Your little girl is in there struggling for her _life_-" Roslin aimed her finger towards the isolation area, jabbing it forcefully even as her voice caught and threatened to break, "and _you_ need to be the one to hurt the men who hurt her, regardless of protocol, or law, or any other godsdamn theoretical framework we could come up with. But you can't just throw your military weight around and start handing out your own brand of justice just because something hits a little too close to home, Bill! Just because your rust bucket of a ship has the most guns doesn't make you Zeus, god of justice and mercy, protector of the weak and punisher of the wicked!"

The heat in his eyes dimmed to an icy cold as he stared at her, "Madame President, I am sorry if the acting Commander misled you in any manner but these men are in military custody and will remain there until their punishments have been meted out," he waited a beat, his eyes boring into her without blinking. "This discussion is _over_."

"Like _hell_ it is," she hissed angrily.

He stared up at her silently, squinting slightly. Neither of them moved for a long moment.

"Oh godsdamn you and your all your _frakking_ guns!" she exclaimed, allowing herself the satisfaction of one defiant foot stomp. She fired a searing look of her own before spinning on her heel and stalking towards the hatch.

--

Oblivious to the conflict that had boiled over in the ward, Lee, Cottle, and the medic Ishy, had their hands full trying to keep Kara calm in the isolation room.

Hour after hour, long after President Roslin stormed out of the sickbay, they ran through slight variations of the same pattern: Kara slipped in and out of consciousness and Lee and Cottle, or Ishay, would struggle with her when she woke in terror until Lee was able to get her to recognise him and relax. She would lie there, exhausted and delusional, until she'd eventually slip back into sleep or unconsciousness. When she awoke again, once again thinking she was back on the Astral Queen, they would replay the entire scenario.

Lee's fatigue dragged heavily at his arms, his voice rasped from lack of sleep and his continuous efforts to get Kara's attention, and he had no idea what time it was. His world had shrunk to the size of the isolation room; nothing existed for him but Kara and his struggle to keep her as calm as he could.

After a particularly lengthy struggle with Kara screaming and trying to bite them, she'd finally heard Lee's voice again and now lay in the bed sobbing and gasping for air.

Desperately trying to console her, Lee whispered in her ear, stroking her hair and face until her sobs quieted. Her bedclothes were soaked with sweat and each breath dragged painfully in and out of her chest. The doctor checked her temperature and sighed.

Lee looked up at the sound of exasperation in the expression.

"This isn't working, the antibiotics should have done something by now," Cottle grumbled.

"Wha…," Lee's voice gave out on him and he had to cough to clear his throat. "What does that mean?" he asked hoarsely. He gently stroked Kara's hand as she started coughing once again.

Cottle shook his head sadly, "It means they probably aren't going to work, that either her system is too compromised to fight its share of the battle or that whatever's got a hold of her is immune to what we've been using. The fact that every time she wakes up she ends up fighting with us and burning up energy she doesn't have is only making things worse."

"Can't we try something else?" Lee blinked his bleary eyes, trying to focus on the doctor and what he was saying. His tired brain, struggling to keep up with the doctor's words, registered relief when Kara stopped coughing.

"We could-" the doctor was interrupted by a barely audible gasp from Kara just as Lee felt her grip tighten on his hand.

Lee looked down and saw, to his horror, that she was barely breathing at all. Alarms on the machines around the bed started going off as Kara choked. Her eyes were wide with fear and pain, begging them for help as she silently gaped like a fish out of water. She gripped at Lee's hand urgently as she looked between him and the doctor, her other hand scrabbling against the bedsheet.

"Ishay! Get in her with the chest tube kit!" Cottle cried as he lowered the bed so Kara was lying flat on her back. Turning to Kara, he softened his voice, "Listen to me, Thrace," he said calmly as he moved his stethoscope across her chest, listening intently, "it sounds like you've managed to collapse both lungs."

Her hand tightened on Lee's as what little colour she had drained quickly away.

"It's alright, we're going to fix it," Cottle soothed, "but I need you to try and relax and, for gods' sake, don't fight with me on this, ok?"

Her eyes bulged, her lips taking on a bluish tinge once again. She pulled her hand away from Lee's comforting grip to clutch desperately at her heaving chest.

Lee closed his eyes momentarily, struggling to suppress his fear and force air into his own lungs. Opening his eyes again, he leaned over Kara, placing his hand over hers and pulling it gently from her chest as the doctor tugged her gown open before he grabbed a pair of scissors and deftly cut away the tape that was wound around her torso. Leaving himself a wide incision in the tape, Cottle turned around and grabbed a syringe from the cupboard behind him. He ripped open the sterile packaging and tossed the plunger aside as Ishay ran into the room carrying a tray covered with a sterile cloth.

Cottle swiped an iodine swab across a small patch of Kara's now exposed skin and, using one hand to hold her chest still, slowly slid the needle between two of her ribs.

Kara flinched in pain, her eyes roaming until they found Lee's. He nodded at her and forced a smile,

"That's it, just try to relax, ok? The doc's taking care of everything."

Cottle listened to her chest once again, shaking his head when he noticed no change, before removing the needle and tossing it aside. He muttered instructions to the medic as she prepared the instruments. Accepting a syringe full of medication from Ishay, he turned back to Kara and injected the aesthetic into her chest next to where he had inserted the other syringe.

Lee determinedly kept his eyes away from what the doctor was doing and tried to focus on Kara's face. It had only been a matter of seconds but to him it felt like hours since he'd looked down to see that look of pure panic. She craned her neck, still trying in vain to force her lungs to fill, and her eyes widened when she saw the collection of gleaming instruments laid out on the tray next to the Doctor.

"Kara, hey," Lee called to her patiently. She was staring at the doctor's instruments with a look of terror. "Kara? Starbuck? C'mon, over here," he tried again, eventually coaxing her eyes back to his face. The fear and panic in them sent an echoing shudder down his own spine. He struggled to keep his voice even, "Right here, you just give me your eyes and keep them right here, okay?" he said insistently, pointing at his own eyes with his first two fingers. "I'm right here with you, you just stay with me, okay? Just you and me, right here," he gestured to his own eyes again.

She nodded faintly, her eyes starting to droop as another alarm sounded from the machines.

"Ishay?" Cottle asked, not looking up from smearing more iodine in the area surrounding his injection site.

"Her O2 levels are dropping, Doctor," Ishay said quietly.

"I know that," Cottle snapped in reply, "that's what the damn alarm is for, I need you to tell what her numbers are."

"65% and dropping, Sir."

"_Frak,_" the doctor cursed under his breath, "we don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic." He looked up at Kara's face, "I'm sorry, kiddo, this is gonna hurt."

Kara nodded faintly, her eyelids drooping.

A second alarm sounded.

"BP's dropping, Doctor!" Ishay cried.

"Gods damn it!" Cottle responded, reaching for the scalpel once again, "Keep her focused, Apollo. Keep her here with us!"

"You gotta hang in there, okay Kara?" Lee said urgently, leaning closer to put himself in Kara's eye line. He slipped his left arm above and around her head, cradling it gently as he stroked her cheek with his other hand, his face inches from hers. Her eyes struggled open and he met her intense stare with his own, willing the connection between them to hold, "Just hang in there with me and this will all be over soon, I promise," he whispered.

He continued murmuring to her soothingly, holding her eye contact, as he listened to the clatter of instruments on the tray and the doctor's quiet voice as he called for instruments or materials from the medic. Lee cooed as Kara tensed, grinding her teeth in pain, "I know, I know, just a little longer, ok?" He dropped his head to rest his forehead against hers, willing everything else away as he tried to keep her focused on him. When Kara squeezed her eyes shut in pain, Lee twisted his head slightly to flash a look at what the doctor was doing. He felt Kara tremble beneath him as a spray of blood spurted from her chest onto the doctor's torso and hands. Lee felt his stomach turn in a slow sickening roll.

He tore his gaze away from the blood and pulled back slightly to look back down into Kara's eyes. The green pools stared up at him intently for a moment before she blinked three times, slowly and purposefully. She managed a small half smile before her eyelids drifted closed.

"Kara?" Lee cried, squeezing her hand, "Kara? Hey, come on. You gotta hang on, okay? Please? Kara? KARA!"

She didn't move. Her face had gone from pale to ashen grey. Her features, tense with pain and fear a moment ago, were now soft and relaxed; the frantic buzzing and beeping of her monitors a stark contrast to her peaceful expression.

Panic clawing at his throat, Lee looked towards the doctor. The sight of Kara's bright red blood spilling down the sheet below Cottle's incision left his knees weak and his hand shaking on her pale cheek.

"Doc?" he managed to gasp out.

The doctor's muttered curses did nothing to calm his rising panic.

"Gods_damn_ it!" Cottle cried, tossing a pair of silver clamps aside, staring angrily at the clear plastic tube that jutted obscenely from Kara's chest. "This isn't working, we're going to have to get her back under the knife."

"What about the other side?" Ishay asked.

"We can't afford the time if it doesn't work either," Cottle said quickly.

Ishay only nodded, quickly depositing the chest tube tray on a table and moving to one of the cabinets that ringed the room.

"What? More surgery? What's going on?" Lee cried as Ishay shoved past him.

"No time to explain, Captain," Cottle snapped. "You go on and wait out there," he jerked his head towards the main ward. "I'll come find you when we're done. Get me the intubation tray, Ishay," he said urgently as he moved to the head of Kara's bed.

Ishay had already traded the tray holding the chest tube instruments with a fresh one carrying the instruments needed to insert a breathing tube down Kara's throat. Responding to the doctor's order, she swung the table to his side before quickly moving to unhook Kara from the monitors so that she could be moved back to the operating room.

Lee stumbled over wires and his own feet, trying to stay out of the medic's way but not willing to leave without saying goodbye. Seeing that Ishay had finished removing the leads from the other side of the bed, Lee quickly stepped around it to Kara's side once again as Cottle opened her mouth and inserted the lyringoscope to begin the process of intubating her.

Lee braced his hands on the bed and leaned over her, pushing aside the snake of fear that her stillness sent slithering through him, "You come back to me now, you here me, Kara? I know you're tired. I know you're just about done but please, please don't give up yet," he begged her, placing a hand lightly on her arm above the cast. _Gods, how many times are we going to have to do this? I'm not ready to say goodbye! _He closed his eyes momentarily and suddenly found himself offering up a prayer to the gods he now desperately hoped were there after all.

_Hear me, oh great Apollo. I know I am not deserving of your love or your compassion but Kara is. She is a believer. _Part of Lee's mind registered Cottle's sigh of relief as he finished placing the tube and softly instructed Ishay to turn on the ventilator. _She is a strong and caring woman who needs your help and cannot beg her plea herself. _He could hear the reassuring hiss and pump of the same ventilator that had breathed for his father after he was shot. _Please, Lord of the Sun and Lord of the Healing, please grant Kara your blessing and protection so that she might live to see another day. Please, please don't let her die. Not now, not yet. _

"So say we all," murmured Ishay, breaking into his thoughts.

Lee's eyes flew open, as he echoed her words aloud, realizing she must have recognized what he was doing. She nodded at him, lifting the last of the wires and tubes onto the foot of Kara's bed. Lee returned the nod before bending down to place one last kiss on Kara's forehead, trying not to dwell on the tube that was held in place between her cracked and blistered lips with tape that criss-crossed from one cheek to the other.

"Good hunting, Starbuck. Bring Kara back to me, ok?" he whispered, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. Stepping away, he watched Cottle and Ishay wheel the bed expertly out the door.

And then Kara was gone. Again.

His hands suddenly felt cold and empty without her skin under them. He scrubbed both hands across his face, trying to scrape away the gnawing terror that had crept in under his skin. With a heavy heart, he stumbled his way out of the room.

--

Bill Adama was sitting up in bed, trying to read a mystery novel one of Tyrol's knuckle draggers had loaned him but he wasn't having much luck. The gripping tale of burglary and betrayal couldn't hold his attention as his mind kept drifting back to the young woman fighting for her life just down the hall.

He had managed to get some rest, despite his anxiety over Starbuck's progress, or lack thereof, during the day and a half since Kara's rescue but he had to admit that it hadn't been enough. His eyes were grainy with fatigue and he was having trouble keeping the page in front of him in focus. He hadn't seen or heard from the doctor, Lee, or Ishay in a several hours and was trying to convince himself that this was a good sign.

_If she's stabilized, they'll want to run all those other tests Cottle talked about._ He reassured himself. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was getting close to oh-three-hundred and decided to put the book away and try to get some sleep. _Or maybe, she's doing a lot worse and there's no one available to come and let you know,_ the other voice in his head piped up as he shut off the small reading light over his bed and set his glasses on his table, alongside the book. _If that were the case, if they were working on her again, Lee wouldn't still be in there, _he countered, lying back and arranging the light cotton blanket over himself.

Just as he was closing his eyes he heard the sound he'd been waiting for all night: the opening and closing of the swinging door that led to the other areas of the Life Station. Sitting up and squinting into the dim light, he recognised Lee standing perfectly still, just inside the door.

He blinked once. Even in the semi-darkness of the ward's night illumination settings he could see his that one of son's hands was covered in blood, the same blood that was streaked across his pale face and rumpled tanks.

Bill felt his stomach drop as his heart froze in his chest.

_No, please gods, no._

One look at his son's face had a wail of grief struggling to force itself up and out of his throat. He swallowed. Hard.

As if he had heard the silent cry, Lee suddenly looked up. His eyes roamed the Life Station aimlessly and from across the room Bill could see the dark circles of fatigue under them. Lee stood in the doorway, his face a blank mask, swaying slightly as if the effort of standing was almost too much for him to bear.

Bill waited a moment but when Lee made no effort to move, he called out to him softly,

"Lee?"

Lee twitched. He turned his head to follow the sound of his name. The headache he'd been ignoring in the isolation room was starting to pound behind his eyes, throbbing in unison with the aching in his weary back and arms. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear his head and think about what it was he was supposed to be doing. _Right, Life Station, Kara's back in surgery. _His thoughts ran fluidly through his mind and he had to struggle to hang on to them. _Frak, I'm tired. When did I get so tired? It's only been a few hours, it must have been harder than I thought, keeping Kara on the bed. For a girl who's not feeling so hot, she sure is strong. _ Shaking his head to clear it, he blinked again and saw his father staring at him intently.

"Lee?"

The strangled sound of Bill's voice cut through his fatigue and had the young Captain automatically sprinting across the ward to his father's side before he could even process the thought.

"Dad? What's wrong, are you okay?" he gasped.

"What?" Bill asked, "I'm fine," he added, shaking his head quickly, dismissing Lee's concern. "What about Kara?"

Lee sighed in relief, confused by the stress still written clearly across his father's face, "She's…" he struggled with what to say, unable to find the words to describe what she'd just been through.

Suddenly, the Commander grabbed his hand in a fierce grip, "Lee," he said, his voice so low Lee almost missed it, "tell me, son."

"Uhm," Lee swallowed, "well, she stopped breathing." Saying it aloud was easier than he thought it would be.

The pain-filled groan from his father had Lee worrying again as Bill dropped back down against the raised head of the bed.

"No," Bill whispered. "No," he repeated, shaking his head slowly.

"Yeah, but it's okay," Lee tried to reassure the old man, "I mean, they got the tube in pretty quickly so she was on the ventilator and didn't go too long without oxygen," Lee added quickly, searching his father's face for signs of pallor or anything else that would indicate he himself was in need of medical attention.

"What?" Bill grabbed at Lee's hand again, "She's alive?"

Lee looked down at his father, his eyebrows knitted in confusion, "Uh, yeah. I mean, yes sir, she's alive but they've taken her back into surgery. Cottle said her lungs collapsed."

The look of relief that shuddered across Bill's face tweaked something in Lee's exhausted mind, "Oh no. You didn't think… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"

The look of relief was replaced by a terse grin and followed by a tense chuckle as Bill released Lee's hand..

"She's been in and out of it the last few hours," Lee explained, "Like she was doing out here before the first surgery." _Gods, that makes it sound so simple, so…nothing._ "But the last time she freaked out, she must have reinjured her lungs or something because they collapsed and she couldn't breathe and…" The image of Kara's terror filled eyes begging him for help as she silently struggled for air rose up in his mind and Lee's voice trailed off as he stared unseeing at the wall above his father's bed.

Bill was dying for more information, for details that might give him a better indication as to how Kara was doing, but he restrained himself, taking stock of Lee's condition first. His face was drawn with fatigue and a rough swatch of stubble covered his jaw. The lump over his eye had darkened considerably and the swelling jutted angrily from Lee's brow. Underneath the smear of blood on his cheek the skin was pasty and bruised looking smudges darkened the hallows under his haunted, bloodshot eyes. Looking closely, Bill noticed that Lee was trembling slightly. _The poor kid is exhausted. Saul said he's barely been sleeping for weeks and now a thirty hour stint watching over Kara, never mind the emotional toll of it all, he's at the end of his rope._

"Lee?" Bill said, in a low voice.

"Huh?" Lee's attention snapped back to his father. "Sorry, Sir, I just…"

"It's okay," Bill said calmly, "I know you're beat but, can you tell me about the blood?" Bill finished quietly. He simply couldn't tear his eyes away from the sight of the dark red smears on his son's shirt, hand and face.

"Blood?" Lee followed his father's gaze to his tanks. His eyes widened, "Uh, I..." Catching sight of the smear on his hand, he raised it to his face and turned it over slowly. The sight of Kara's blood staining his skin brought a fresh wave of fear crashing down against his overtaxed system. _Gods, when did I get this blood all over me?_ The sight of bright red blood spurting out of the wound Cottle made flashed before his eyes. _Blood. Gods, this is Kara's blood… Kara's blood…_

"Lee? Is Kara bleeding?" Bill asked gently, in part just to get Lee to stop staring in horror at his bloodstained hand.

Lee nodded and then shook his head, "No. Yeah, I mean… Cottle put in a chest tube to see if that would re-inflate her lung but it didn't. Her chest was bleeding-" he looked down at his dad, meeting his eyes and finding strength in their steady gaze. Lee sighed and shrugged dejectedly, "I don't know, Dad. I mean, Cottle said they were going to operate but that's all he said. Before that, her temperature was sky high, the antibiotics weren't working, she was delusional, she could barely breathe and the sound of her coughing…it was so… I don't… I just…" he trailed off as tears choked in his throat. Forgetting about the blood, he ran his hands roughly through his dark hair, trying to focus on the twinge of pain he felt as he pulled at a handful of strands rather than the grief that was tugging determinedly at his heart..

"Well, she held on this long, that's gotta mean something," Bill said.

Lee shrugged, "I guess, but what difference can a couple of hours make? They got some fluids into her but I don't think she got much rest or anything. Gods, Dad, she was so pale… So pale," he echoed softly to himself.

"Well, Cottle said if she made it through the first twenty-four hours, that was a good sign."

"Yeah," Lee blew out a breath of disbelief, "well, we're a long way from that."

"What? No," the Commander looked at Lee curiously, "Starbuck's been back about a day and half, Lee."

Lee blinked in confusion.

Bill nodded slowly, "You were in there with her for about thirty hours."

Lee glanced down at his watch, incredulously, and then back up at his father, "I…," _no wonder I'm so frakking tired,_ he thought. _Where did the time go? _"Dad, Sir, I-" Lee's words were cut off by a jaw-cracking yawn.

"Consider yourself relieved, Captain," the Commander smiled gently while Lee attempted to smother the yawn.

Lee forced a smile in response, nodding in acknowledgement, "Thank you, Sir."

"Now, before you hit the rack-" anticipating Lee's noise of contention, Bill jerked his thumb towards the bed next to his which was currently empty, "here, Lee. I meant here, not your rack in the duty locker," Lee nodded, grateful that his father understood his desire to stay as close to Kara as possible. "As I was saying, before you hit _that_ rack," Bill jerked his thumb towards the empty bed again, "you'd better wash up," he waved his hand to indicate the blood on Lee's hand and face.

Lee nodded but before he could speak, the Commander continued, "I figured you'd resurface eventually and would probably want to stick close by so I had one of your pilots bring down a fresh set of clothes and some of your things," Bill pointed towards a pile clothes sitting on the chair next to his bed. Lee's personal toiletry kit sat perched on top of the neatly folded pile. "There's a shower in the Life Station head, why don't you clean up and then get some shut-eye? I'll be sure to let you know if we hear anything from Cottle."

Lee bobbed his head again, his fatigued mind thankful that once again someone else had thought of everything for him but unable to find the words to express his gratitude.

Bill reached out and squeezed Lee's hand firmly, "Go on, now."

"Uh, thanks, Dad."

This time, Bill nodded and then smiled gently at his weary son.

Lee clumsily picked up the clothes and bag with his clean hand and stumbled towards the small washroom attached to the Life Station. Bill watched him go before reaching for the handset Lieutenant Gaeta had installed beside his bed. Picking it up and hearing the familiar sound of Dualla's voice in his ear, Bill cleared his throat before speaking, "Dee, just the person I wanted to speak to…"

--

A short while later, Lee made his way out of the head clad in clean clothes and feeling marginally better having showered and brushed his teeth.

Crossing the ward, his stomach suddenly growled hungrily. Realizing that he was famished, he tried to remember the last time he'd eaten. He faintly recalled an energy pack the doctor had shoved into his hand hours ago. _That's great, Lee. Thirty hours and no food? You're gonna put yourself in the Life Station. How do you expect to take care of Kara if you can't even take care of yourself? _ The fierce gnawing in his stomach was bad enough to make him seriously reconsider his plan of heading straight to bed. He was so tired he literally could not see straight, he'd needed to squint carefully in the bathroom just to be sure he grabbed the bottle of shampoo from his kit and not his shaving gel, but with his stomach growling like this, he wasn't sure he would be able to sleep, exhausted beyond belief or not.

Approaching his father, however, Lee almost cried with relief when the scent of something edible reached his nose and he noticed a covered bowl sitting on the table next to the Commander.

"I thought you could use a hot meal," Bill said, pointing to the dish, "so I had Cookie send something up."

Lee sat down and pulled the table in front of him.

"I wanted to return the favour and while it's not fresh Karlach, it's the best we could do on short notice," Bill went on. "I remembered you having a fondness for the stuff as a kid so," he shrugged, somehow embarrassed to admit he'd tried to do something special for his son.

Lee lifted the lid off the bowl and his eyes lit up when he saw what lay underneath. He sniffed greedily at the steam rising from the oatmeal before grabbing the spoon that rested on the table next to the bowl.

A genuine smile flashed across his drawn face as he dug in. "It's perfect, Dad," he managed around a mouthful of the stodgy cereal.

Bill grinned back, "Well, I told Dee to do what she could to get Cookie to give you some milk and an extra ration of sweetener. I seem to recall you always trying to sneak extra spoonfuls from the sugar bowl when your mother wasn't looking at the breakfast table."

Lee nodded, this time swallowing a large mouthful before trying to speak, "Yeah, she always got mad about that. I didn't think you noticed."

"Oh, I noticed, alright. I was just glad you didn't notice when I did the exact same thing," Bill winked slyly and chuckled softly.

Within moments, Lee had emptied the bowl and done his best to scrape up every last bite. Sighing with contentment, he sat back in the chair feeling his fatigue falling fast and heavy around him again. The hot shower and now the belly full of warm food had gone a long way towards soothing his jangling nerves and easing the tension around his heart; the small taste of home, of something familiar and safe, did more for his spirits than the most elaborate five course meal ever could have. He still longed for Kara, and if he let his mind dwell on her he was pretty sure he'd break down sobbing, but the nervous energy had dulled; he no longer felt like he might fly apart in a million different directions if he relaxed his guard even the slightest bit.

Lee covered his mouth as a huge yawn rolled through him and blinked when his father set a metal cup down on the table in front of him. Without thinking, he dutifully picked it up and slugged back the liquid in it. Fiery liquor seared down his throat, causing him to gasp sharply as tears stung his eyes. Blowing out a deep breath, he felt a warm glow spread through him as the booze hit his gut. Looking up at his father, he nodded in appreciation. "Thanks Dad," he said solemnly.

Not entirely comfortable with the gratitude and affection he saw in Lee's eyes, Bill cleared his throat, "Well, the gut-rot was from Saul. He left a bottle with me this afternoon saying he figured that you'd need a belt whenever you did make it back out here again."

Lee nodded, understanding his father's discomfort but not willing to let it slide as he usually did, "I meant for everything, Dad." He placed his hand over his father's and gave it a gentle squeeze, "I mean it, thank you." He held his father's eyes for a moment before smirking and breaking the tension between them. "But tell Saul that shot sure did hit the spot," he grinned, patting Bill's hand as he stood up and moved towards the empty bed.

"Dad?" he asked tentatively over his shoulder as he walked away.

"I'll be sure to wake you if we hear anything, Lee."

Nodding appreciatively, Lee stepped slowly to the bed and fingered the pale blue sheet for a moment. His mind was empty of everything but the heavy weight of his exhaustion and the rhythmic throbbing of his grief. _She's not gone yet, she's in Cottle's and Apollo's hands now but she's still here, _he tried to tell himself as he stared at the bed, a little surprised that the god of healing's name had come to mind but far too tired to give it much thought.

_Dad will wake me when she's out, then I can see her again, _he consoled himself as he toed off his boots, climbed on to the bed and lay back gingerly. _I'll see Kara when the doctor has fixed her up,_ he thought as he closed his eyes. One last thought slipped through his mind, _she's home, Kara's back_, and he could have sworn he felt the warm smoothness of her skin under his hands as he fell into the welcoming blackness.

Bill watched his son get into bed and smiled slightly when he noticed Lee was asleep before he could even reach down to pull the blanket up over himself

Easing out of his own bed, he padded over to Lee and tucked the blanket around him to keep out the cool air of the Battlestar's simulated night. Smoothing away the hair from his son's forehead, Bill sighed over the evidence of pain and fatigue that still shadowed the young man's face.

"Rest easy, Captain," the Commander murmured, placing an affectionate kiss on the brow that remained creased with strain even in sleep.

--

A couple of hours later, Bill awoke with a start. It took him a moment to place the sound that had woken him but when he finally looked over at the swinging door once again, he saw another figure framed in the doorway. Cottle stood hunched over, lighting a cigarette, just inside the main ward. A bright red ember glowing satisfactorily with each inhalation, the doctor straightened and caught sight of the Commander watching him from across the floor.

Sighing heavily, Cottle crossed to his old friend, noting the sleeping form of the young captain in the adjacent bed. _Great, more laundry for my people to do,_ he thought grumpily. Hours on end without his nicotine fix had left him even more surly than usual, at least, that's what he told himself. It wasn't the desperate struggle he'd been locked in against injury and illness, it wasn't the grief and anger he felt every time he was confronted with the physical and emotional evidence of what those monsters did to the young woman, and it sure as hell wasn't something as unprofessional as his gruff affection for the tough pilot who simply refused to give up, no matter how sure he was that the infection was winning. Nope, it was the cigarettes. Definitely, the cigarettes. _You moron,_ he chastised himself, _if it was the nicotine you'd be feeling a lot better now that you've lit up, wouldn't you?_ If anything, he felt worse; the idea of actually giving voice to his concerns, his dire diagnoses and Kara's deterioration, sat like a stone in his gut.

Reaching Bill's side, he stood squinting down at the Commander, puffing away.

"How'd the surgery go, Doc?" Bill had been trying to read the doctor's expression as he walked slowly across the ward and had decided that the stormy look of frustration meant Kara made it through surgery. There was no way Cottle would let himself look so emotional if a patient had just died; he would have been careful to keep his facial expression professionally neutral as he made his way to Bill's bed.

"She pulled through it," Cottle said heavily. The tone in his voice answered Bill's next question, she'd survived but was still in serious danger.

At the sound of the voices, the figure in the next bed jerked upright. Glancing around, Lee caught sight of the doctor next to his father and felt his heart freeze. Before he knew what he was doing, Lee had leapt out of his bed and, without bothering to put his boots back on, was standing facing Cottle over his father.

"Whatsgoingon? Whathappened? Issheokay?" he mumbled hurriedly, scrubbing his hands across his face as he tried to wake up.

"I was just telling the Commander," Cottle explained, "Thrace made it through the surgery, we were able to fix both of the pneumothorax, but," he took a long drag on the cigarette, "well, I'll be honest with the both of you, things are not looking good, not good at all."

Lee felt the deck fall out from underneath his feet. _'Not good at all'? What the frak does that mean? _He wanted to scream at the doctor. _Cottle usually keeps things vague,_ part of his mind pointed out, _if he's saying things are bad, they must be really, really bad._ A strangled sound escaped Lee's lips. _No, no, no, no. She home now, that's what I've been waiting for all this time. She'll be okay now that she's home. She has to be okay. We got her back damn it, we can't lose her now!_

Cottle simply stared at the younger man. Cardiac arrhythmia he could treat, myocardial infarction he could deal with, but broken hearts were outside his area of expertise. Grimacing inwardly, slightly disgusted by the ridiculous sentimentality of his own thoughts, the doctor turned back to the commander.

"We got her lungs working again but the infection's not getting any better. If this keeps up much longer, she'll go into septic shock. Her kidneys and liver are already showing signs of trouble and if we can't get a handle on the infection soon, her other organs will start to suffer too," he said calmly.

"What??" Lee gasped, "What do you mean 'suffer too'? What does 'signs of trouble' mean?"

"Specifically? The infection causes a build up of dead cells and other toxins in the blood but her liver and kidneys aren't clearing them as they should. Eventually, she'll experience decreased tissue perfusion and oxygen delivery to her major organ groups because the infection will invade and start to take over her blood stream. If that continues, she'll go into multiple organ failure within the next few days. If that happens…" Cottle trailed off sadly.

Bill closed his eyes, trying to hear what Cottle was saying but not wanting to understand.

"Her blood pressure remains dangerously low and we're gonna have to keep her on the vent as she's too weak to breathe on her own. We're trying to keep her pumped up with fluids and the antibiotics but it doesn't seem to be doing much good. At this point, it looks like she's just too weak, she has too many injuries and spent too long without anything remotely resembling nutrition to be able to fight this thing."

Lee dropped his head, unaware that his hands were twisting his father's bed sheet in a death grip.

"Isn't there anything else you can try, Doc?" Bill asked, his voice soft.

Cottle sighed, "No. We've tried the few antibiotics we still have, nothing seems to be helping much. She's sedated now and we're going to keep it that way to let her get some rest given how distraught she is half the time she's awake. She's a fighter, we all know that, and at this point we just have to hope she can keep fighting and that rest, fluids and nutrition will start to make a difference. It's in the hands of the gods now, there's simply nothing else I can do for her."

A sob slipped past Lee's control and he screwed up his face, trying in vain to suppress the grief that was overwhelming him. _Nothing else I can do for her._ The phrase echoed in his head, blocking out any other thoughts or sounds. A sharp, tear-filled exhalation exploded out of his chest. He released the sheet and spun away from his father and the doctor, his arms wrapped tightly across his chest. His head dropped to his chest as he tried to subdue the sobs that welled up from deep within him.

_That's it, then. This whole thing, it's just been a tease. The gods were just frakking with me after all. She came back, just like I wanted, but I don't get to have her, I don't get to keep her. I just get to lose her all over again._

The broken sound of his mourning echoed through the Life Station. Lee clamped a hand over his mouth, trying to contain the sobs, but they merely struggled out of his nose in wet bursts as his entire body shook with their violence. He felt his world collapsing in on itself and fought to push it back, _she's not dead yet you frakking idiot! She's still alive and, like Cottle said, Kara's a fighter, _the furious voice in his head tried desperately to keep him from breaking down entirely. _She __**was**__ a fighter_, he countered, _but now…she's so pale, so tired. She tried to fight us off but at the heart of it all, she's worn out; she's through with fighting… She shouldn't have to keep fighting, godsdamn it! She's been fighting her whole life, she should have earned the right to rest. Why can't she just rest? Why can't she just be okay?... First Zak and now Kara, why does this keep happening? Why do I have to lose her now too? _

The questions buzzed through his mind like a swarm of angry bees, sending sharp barbs of toxin through his system. All the rage, frustration, anxiety and guilt that had been building in him for weeks bubbled up and he simply let go and allowed them to wash over him.

Releasing a guttural cry of anguish, Lee slammed into the table, knocking it over and sending the dishes he'd left on it earlier rattling across the ward. Cursing, he flung himself at the bulkhead, slamming his fist into the metal sheeting while he kicked at it mercilessly. _No! _Kick. _Not again! _Punch. _Not Kara! _Slam. _No, no, no. _Hit, kick, punch, harm. _No, no, no! No-no-no-nononono. _He pounded blindly against the metal, his fury and grief consuming him completely. The sounds of his blows echoed sharply through the quiet ward as no one moved or spoke.

Eventually, the pain in his hand and foot reached through to his brain, breaking the wave of emotions that had choked him. Suddenly spent, he dropped his head and leaned to brace one arm against the wall. He stood there, his chest heaving, his thoughts racing, for a long moment. The reassuring vibration of the live battlestar under his palm seemed to bring him strength, to reconnect him with something vital, something hopeful. Forcing shuddering breaths into his lungs, he did his best to shove the wave of chaos back, struggling to lock it away again. Regaining some of his control, he straightened up but remained facing the wall, standing with his hands resting on his hips and his head bowed. The stillness of the ward was a soothing balm on his ravaged soul.

Gradually, as the surge of emotion left his system, Lee became more aware of his surroundings once again. A warm slip of shame slid through him. _Frak._ Sighing heavily, he raised one hand and ran it over his face. _Frak. _With one fist still resting on his hip and the other hand rubbing at the back of his neck, he turned to face the Commander and Doc Cottle once again. He was relieved to see them chatting quietly as if nothing had happened.

Returning to the bed, Lee felt the heat of shame creep up his neck, "I'm… I'm sorry, Sirs, I don't know what- there's no excuse for that, I'm sorry."

"Of course there's no excuse for that," the Commander said in a low tone. Lee tensed, waiting for a reprimand but Bill continued softly, "and there's no excuse needed. Sometimes, we all need to blow off a little steam, Captain."

Lee nodded gratefully but couldn't stop the flush of embarrassment from climbing up his face as he gingerly rubbed his raw knuckles.

"So Doc," Bill turned to address Cottle who was lighting another cigarette, "what happens now?"

"Well, we're going to keep her sedated for a while, in a medically induced coma, so that her body can have the chance to rest and heal as much as possible," a forced chuckled escaped the doctor's terse lips, "that plus I'd hate to see what Starbuck would do if she awoke to find herself hooked up to a ventilator."

Bill returned Cottle's chuckle but his eyes remained heavy and dark.

Squinting down at the Commander, Cottle continued soberly, "Beyond that? We do the only thing we can do," Cottle took a deep drag and blew out a cloud of smoke that hung about his face as he spoke around the cigarette clenched tightly between his lips, "we wait and we pray."

"Can… Can I see her? Can I go back in there?" Lee asked quietly.

"Sure thing, once Ishay has her settled back in her room and stabilized on the ventilator," some of the tension in Lee's face diminished at the doctor's words, "and after one of us have looked at that hand. Can't have our best pilot running around with an untreated broken hand." Lee ducked his head in embarrassment, still ashamed of his outburst despite his father's empathetic words. Cottle turned to leave but paused, "Oh, there's one more thing, do either of you know where Thrace would have gotten the two recent scars on her abdomen?"

Bill shook his head and looked at Lee.

At the doctor's question, Lee was suddenly thrown back to the night before Kara vanished. The memory of her smooth skin gliding slowly under his hands brought a shiver of arousal that was followed quickly by another searing shot of shame. _Gods Lee, hardly the time or place for that kind of thinking_. He remembered running his hands down her lithe frame until they found the unexpected areas of puckered skin. _I didn't even ask her about them, I ignored those obvious scars in the interest of not losing the chance to finally frak the almighty Starbuck._ Knowing he was selling both himself and Kara short with that thought, knowing that it was more than just a frak for either of them, didn't dispel his sense of self-disgust at the realization that he had been so intent on what they were finally about to do that he'd ignored the scars, promising himself he'd ask her about them some other time.

Looking up, Lee realized the other two men were staring at him expectantly.

Clearing his throat, Lee shook his head, "Ah, no, I don't know either." When his father and the doctor continued staring at him, Lee continued, "I mean, I don't really know where she got them, I ah, assume it was back on Caprica, but, well, that's significant. I mean, I should have known about…" _Frak,_ Lee cursed as he felt the flush of embarrassment creep back up his neck, "Well, I mean, as CAG, I should have know about any injuries sustained by any of my pilots, right?" Her silence about the injuries struck him as significant. _If it was nothing, if they were just battles scars, Kara would have been showing them off proudly, regaling the nuggets with the surely heroic story of how she got them._ "I don't know why she didn't tell us about them. In the chaos of everything that happened around Kobol, I never really debriefed her properly. By the time everything settled down, it didn't really seem necessary, I guess. I'm sorry, Sir," he said to the Commander, "I neglected my duty."

"So did I, Captain." Bill said sadly, "I kept meaning to debrief her but things kept coming up and it just got put off until… until it was too late."

"My gods!" Cottle cut in, his voice sharp with exasperation. "Can we cut out the Adama guilt party please? As if Thrace would have told either of you something she wanted to keep quiet just because you formally debriefed her! Have you two forgotten who we're talking about here? This is Lieutenant Thrace, the same pilot who, if she happened to have woken up on the wrong side of the rack that morning, would look you in the eye and tell you she's fine, that she just doesn't feel like walking, if both her legs were blown clean off."

Bill chuckled at Cottle's outburst. "He's right, you know, son."

"Yeah, I suppose," Lee reluctantly agreed. _ But still, I should have asked, I should have tried to figure out what was wrong._

Cottle nodded slowly, "Well, anyway, one looks like a wound that was surgically extended and then closed, my guess would be a bullet wound. The other, however, looks like a surgical incision and I sure as hell did not operate on her."

Lee thought back to their reunion on the Astral Queen, when Kara had returned to Kobol with the arrow of Apollo. She'd told him that he didn't have a clue about what had happened to her on Kobol and he hadn't really pushed, he'd gone ahead with planning the search for the tomb of Athena and assumed she'd tell him if something was bothering her. He had a sudden flashback of her leaning on a chain-link dividing wall grinning at him:

"_What was that middle part again?"  
_

"_Hmm? What do you mean?" Lee had known exactly what she meant.  
_

"_Did you say you love me?" Kara had asked with a grin.  
_

_Lee remembered laughing__ nervously, "__Well, um-"_

"_Lee Adama loves me."_

"_No, all I meant was-"_

"_No. Seriously. Very sweet. You love me." Her eyes dancing, Kara had tilted her head and shrugged her shoulders as she flashed him her best mile-wide Starbuck grin. _

_**  
**__Lee had laughed nervously again._

_Kara had spoken again, in a somewhat mocking, fake-pouting kind of tone, "__No, you love me. You can't take it back. There's no take-backs_."

Back in the present, Lee let her voice continue rolling though his head as he closed his eyes and held onto the image of her leaning on that fence grinning at him. _No, no take-backs, Kara. Not this time. I __**do**__ love you._ He willed the thought to her: mentally sending it streaming from him, across the ward, through the doors and down the hall to where she lay.

Opening his eyes, he found his father and Cottle watching him once again. Suddenly a thought struck him,

"Wait, Helo probably knows what happened to her down there and if he doesn't, one of those pyramid players he brought back with him from that rescue mission probably does."

Cottle nodded, "Good point, I'll ask him about it. Those scars are old enough that they won't have much bearing on what's happening now. I'm going to go check in on our girl. Ishay will come out and get you when you can see her, Captain.

"Thanks Doc," Bill said.

Cottle nodded and left, leaving a cloud of smoke hanging behind him as he made his way back towards the isolation area.

The Adamas watched him leave with heavy hearts.

"Uhm, Commander, Sir?" a quiet voice called.

Blinking, Bill turned and saw Petty Officer Dualla nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other as she stood, her hands clasped behind her back, near the foot of his bed.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Sirs, but I said I would come by at the end of my shift, Commander. If you want, I could come back later..."

"Oh yes, of course, Dee. No, there's no need to come back, I need your help with something, actually." Bill waved her to the chair next to him, glad to have the distraction.

Dualla approached slowly, the strained looks on both of the men's faces told her she was interrupting, no matter what the Commander said. While he was obviously upset, the Commander was actually looking better than he had in days. There was colour back in his cheeks and his eyes seemed livelier somehow. Apollo, on the other hand, looked... Dee struggled for a word to describe the aura that seemed to be radiating out from the Captain. Destroyed. That was the word that came to mind looking at him. She flashed Apollo a hesitant smile. He returned it with an empty reflex but she had a feeling he barely even saw her.

She sat down on the chair next to the Commander.

"Dee here has been coming to give me updates on what's going on," Bill explained to Lee, smiling at the young Petty Officer. "The XO briefs me on the major events but Dee makes sure I know all the important stuff like the gossip, the com chatter and how my crew is holding up." _Not to mention, how you're doing,_ he added mentally.

Lee nodded absently.

"Sir, if I might ask," Dee spoke tentatively, "how is Starbuck doing? Tigh said she's being treated but…" her voice faded as she remembered watching Kara struggling against Zarek's men on the video screen.

Lee's head dropped at her question and the Commander sighed sadly. Immediately regretful, Dee stammered an apology, "I'm sorry, Sirs, I didn't mean to-"

"It's alright, Dee," Bill said. "Cottle was just out here giving us the sitrep. Starbuck is struggling. She's a pretty sick girl and it looks like the doctor has done all he can with our limited supply of medication. At this point, we'll just have to wait and see."

Out of the corner of her eye, Dee saw Apollo's hands clench into fists at his sides.

"Gods, Sir, I…" at a loss for words, her large hazel eyes filled with tears.

"I know, Dee. I know," Bill said, patting her shoulder gently.

"Now as to what I need your help with, do you think you could let the crew know how Starbuck is doing? The acting Commander has a lot on his plate right now so I don't want to pester him with passing along a bunch of updates on her condition but I know everyone's worried about her. If you could pass the word that she's still hanging on, still fighting, and that she could use all the prayers anyone can spare, that would be appreciated."

"Of, of course, Sir," Dee sniffed back her tears and nodded her head firmly. "Of course, I'd be happy to."

"Thank you. And now, if you don't mind, could we perhaps go over your report a little later? I would like to speak with the Captain alone for a moment."

"Certainly, Sir." She stood and snapped a quick salute before turning to walk away.

As Dee made her way out of the ward she heard a low voice call her name. Turning, she saw Helo laid up in a bed next to the hatch.

"Helo-" she said, lowering her voice quickly when he held a finger to his lips. "What's going on," she said quietly when she reached his side. "Why do I have to be quiet?"

"Because I don't want to disturb the CAG and the Commander," Helo said. "Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

"Sure, as long as I can do it and what the Commander asked and be in my rack within the hour," she stifled a yawn, "it's been a long shift."

"Could you take this to Sharon?" Helo asked hesitantly holding out a scrap of paper.

She looked at him with distain.

"Look, I know how you feel about her. Frak, I know how everyone feels about her. But I'm stuck here on strict bed rest," he gestured at the large bandage that now covered most of his thigh and the brace that encased his leg, on top of the bandage, from his hip to his ankle. "I frakked up my leg pretty bad and Cottle says I can't move for a couple of days if I want to have any hope of recovery. I know she's worried about me, please Dee, just take her the note," he was practically begging her.

Dee narrowed her eyes.

"You can read it first, if you want. To make sure I'm not sending her top secret details about how Cottle ties a bandage or anything," he said, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice.

"Fine," Dee said as she snapped the paper out of his hand, "but I'm only doing this for _you_. Because _you_ got hurt rescuing Starbuck. Don't think this means I approve of your _relationship_ or anything."

"Fine."

Dee turned to leave.

"And Dee?" Helo called softly after her. She turned to him, a look of exasperation on her face.

"Thank you."

She sighed and flashed him a half smile before making her way out of the Life Station.

--

_I would like to acknowledge that my information and description of the Greek gods came from Greek  
_

_--_

_So, was it worth the wait? Am I killing you with the wait for the Lee/Kara reunion? Any unforgivable mistakes or horrible passages of writing?_

_I have to admit I'm feeling a little out of touch with the fic after my prolonged absence so I would really appreciate hearing what you think about this chapter._

_Thanks for reading!_

_-Pru_


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: So, after a long string of serious real life events, the fracture of a relationship and subsequent dissolution of a household, moving and dealing with the serious illness of a family member, I'm back! Well, Kara and Lee are back ;) It's a long one, so I hope that at least kind of makes up for my absence? No? Well, perhaps after you read this chapter you'll find it in your heart to forgive me... or at least take the time to blast me with a review to keep me on track for the next one? To be honest, I wrote another whole chapter and then, with the help of Uberscribbler who has graciously taken up bataing for me, realized that it wasn't really a good fit and then finished this one off to replace it._

_**Also, I haven't seen the end of the series, yet. I'm a few eps behind so, if you do send me a review, please, please don't include any spoilers!!**_

_Anyway, I hope you enjoy it and as always, am eagerly waiting to hear what you think of it!_

_I still don't own anything important and still hope that those who do will be lenient with me should they disapprove of my playing around in their world :) _

* * *

Chapter 15

_Sunlight trickled through the dense canopy overhead, casting an ominous dark green hue on everything it touched as she made her way through the foliage. The heat was oppressive but she pushed on, the sound of her heavy breathing the only thing to break the silence as she forced her way through the tangle of ferns and vines. _

_She had no idea where she was going but she felt a slight panic building in her chest as her feet slipped and skidded on the damp mulch beneath her feet. Something was pushing her on; she knew she mustn't stop even though she couldn't say why. There was somewhere she needed to be, somewhere she _had_ to be but for all she could tell she might have been walking in circles through the unending green. Her body shook with fatigue and she ached from head to toe but she knew she had to keep going. The pain she could manage, she lived in pain every moment of every day and could put it away in a little box in her mind but the fear and the heavy fatigue were another matter. She dragged a deep breath into her tightening chest and forced herself to focus on getting through the next ten feet._

_After what felt like an eternity of stumbling over rotting logs and pushing past clinging vines, she paused and looked up. Ahead, she could see more light; it looked like the trees were thinning. Her destination, she realized, without knowing what it was. Moments later, she stepped from the dense and humid forest into bright sunlight. Blinking, she put her hand up to shadow her eyes and cast her gaze about her. _

_After the intimidating shifting half-light of the forest, the open space seemed light and airy. The sun shone warmly down on a large meadow encircled by a solid looking wall of trees and dense shrubbery. Laura Roslin brushed her hair off her sweaty forehead and stepped away from the shadow of the trees. _

_Where she had emerged from the trees the meadow was carpeted by wide path of short soft grass. On either side of the path grew taller grasses in various shades of brown and green that waved gently in the soft breeze. Laura lifted her face to the sun and took a deep breath, reveling in the fresh air after the damp clinging heat of the forest. Under the trees, the air had been almost fetid with the overly sweet scent of rotting vegetation but in this meadow the breeze was clean, pleasantly cool and lightly fragranced with a soft floral scent._

_She slipped off her shoes and stepped gratefully onto the cool soft grass before she made her way slowly down the path. As she walked she felt her anxiety and panic lessen; she had no idea what she was doing here but here she was. _

_The tall grass swayed in the breeze, its oceanic-like motion almost hypnotic under the bright sun. Looking closer she noticed small delicate looking flowers clinging to the tops of some of the stalks, the red blossoms dancing on the tops of slender, graceful stems. Overhead the sky curved in a perfect blue sphere framed by the unbroken green of the forest surrounding the meadow. She could hear the whisper of the wind through the grass as she walked, a soothing, almost familiar, sound that lifted her heart after the strange and creeping silence of the forest._

_She wandered leisurely down the path until about halfway across the meadow when it widened and ended in a perfect circle enclosed by the taller grass. Laura strode easily to the centre of the circle and lay down with a sigh. She closed her eyes and basked in the warmth of the sun, feeling it seeping into her body and chasing away the last vestiges of strain and worry that she'd felt in the forest. The pain that was her constant companion also began to fade, washed away by the penetrating warmth and energy._

_After some time, Laura realized she heard something moving through the grass. Unconcerned but curious she opened her eyes and sat up. The movement stopped. She waited patiently. After a moment it started again. Laura looked in the direction of the sound. She could see someone moving through the grass, making their way towards her, but she couldn't make out a face. She sat and waited, looking up every now and then to watch the approaching figure but always unable to see any distinguishing features. She realized to her surprise that she was not at all afraid or even apprehensive about being approached by an unknown person while alone in a strange place. The peace of the meadow flowed around her and the warmth of the sun told her there was nothing to fear._

_The sound of heavy footsteps soon joined the swish of the grass and at last their owner stepped into the clearing. Laura Roslin smiled as her visitor looked up, apparently surprised to find herself no longer walking through the taller grass. As young woman stared down at her Laura could feel the confusion and fear that rushed through her visitor._

_Smiling gently, Laura held up her hand. Still confused and seeming to act on reflex, the young woman took her hand and helped her up. Once on her feet, Laura wrapped the younger woman in a warm hug and held on until her surprised stiffness softened and the visitor relaxed into her arms, returning the embrace hesitatingly._

_After a moment, Laura pulled back and looked at her, keeping her hands light on the slender shoulders underneath the torn and dirty flightsuit._

"_Hello Kara," she said softly, smiling into the bewildered and frightened green eyes._

"_Madame President?" her voice was hoarse and thick with disbelief. "Is that really you? What- what are __**you**__ doing here?"_

"_It's you who doesn't belong here, Kara." Laura didn't know where the words came from but was certain they were true as soon as she spoke them._

"_I don't understand." Kara rasped._

_Tilting her head slightly, Laura stared at the pilot suddenly seeing the dark circles under her eyes, the bruises and cuts in various stages of healing, and the stark relief cast by her cheekbones as they jutted against her pale skin. The tension around Kara's eyes and in her shoulders told Laura that Kara didn't feel the sense of safety and peace she did in the meadow. The stormy green eyes darted about uneasily and Laura was sure Kara would jump right out of her skin if she so much as sneezed unexpectedly._

_Squeezing her shoulders reassuringly, Laura spoke gently, "Breathe, Kara."_

_Kara's eyebrows knitted and she shook her head as if to object to the strange request._

_Giving her a gentle shake, Laura turned her request into a soft order, "Breathe, Kara. Close your eyes and just breathe."_

_Still confused, Kara did as she was told, squeezing her eyes shut and taking several rapid and shallow breaths._

"_Slower, deeper," Laura directed, rubbing her hands up and down Kara's arms soothingly._

_Kara struggled to slow her breath as Laura massaged her arms and gently swept her matted hair back off her face. After a moment, Laura was satisfied that Kara's breathing had evened out somewhat and she felt some of the tension in the slim shoulders relax._

_Nodding she released Kara. "Okay," she murmured with a nod, " okay. Feel any better?"_

_Kara slowly opened her eyes. She was still frightened and confused, Laura could sense that, but the wild panic seemed to have left her._

_Kara offered her a noncommittal shrug. Laura grinned at the characteristic gesture and nodded. _

"_So, I think the real question is why are __**you**__ here, Kara."_

"_What? I don't know, I was lost - am lost and ended up here…" Kara looked around at the way she'd come but the grass surrounding the clearing was untouched. There was no sign of the path she'd forged on her way to the circle. "I… I don't know how- I don't know where I was. Well, I saw - I mean there was someone… I was, frak-" Her voice rose as her eyes started to tear, "I don't know… but then I was here, in the forest and then in the grass and…"_

_Laura slowly raised a hand to cut off the wild rambling, "It doesn't matter, it's alright," she said soothingly, "You're here now."_

_They both paused. Kara glanced around them and avoided the President's eyes._

"_Sir? Where else should I be?" she almost whispered._

_Laura paused for a moment. She couldn't answer that question but she knew that Kara wasn't supposed to be here._

"_What are __**you**__ doing here?" this time the whispered voice was almost lost in the rustle of the grass._

_Again, the words flowed out of Laura's mouth before she consciously thought of them, "Oh, I come here now and again to rest." She had no distinct memories of ever coming to this meadow before but as she said it, she realized that she had been here many times. "It's just the first step, you see." She stopped as something heavy settled on her heart but Kara didn't question her further._

_Kara was looking around them anxiously and Laura could feel her panic start to rise once again._

"_I don't know how to get out of here. I don't know how to get back," her voice climbed in pitch as she spoke, her eyes darting back and forth, scanning the unbroken line of trees that surrounded the meadow. "I don't know where we are or where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what happened, I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know how to get back-"_

"_I know, I know. But that's okay," Laura cut off Kara's rambling, comfortingly draping an arm across the younger woman's shoulders as she dropped her voice to a conspirator's whisper and spoke gently into the younger woman's ear, "because I do."_

***

Helo sighed and rolled his shoulders as he straightened up in his wheelchair. Lee looked up at the sound, blinking as if he'd forgotten the other man was even there.

Karl flashed him an apologetic half smile from the other side of Starbuck's bed before he nodded and picked up the well-worn book that lay on his lap.

" '_And through that rain some light shall shine,_

_Offering my love, for thou art mine'._

_So speaked he, that rules the sun_

_His love, our life, twined forever as one…_"

Lee leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. Tuning out the soothing drone of Helo's deep voice reading the ancient poem, he focused on the steady pump and whoosh of Kara's respirator, unconsciously timing his breaths to its rhythm.

He had no idea how long he'd been in there with her. Once again the rest of the world had vanished and all that mattered now, all that existed for him, was Kara and this small room.

He knew time must have been passing. Helo had come and gone twice so maybe that meant at least two days? Doc Cottle showed up periodically and while he didn't say anything specific, Lee knew he was getting more worried. He'd said that she could only hold out like this for so long and since there were no signs of improvement in Kara's condition, it must mean that she would start getting worse soon.

Much worse.

Very soon.

Lee struggled to remember the last full conversation he'd had with Cottle while they had been standing at his father's bedside. _He'd said something about organ failure didn't he?_ The finality of that term sent an icy shudder of fear through Lee.

Leaning forward, he scrubbed his hands across his face. The brace on his right hand rasped harshly against the stubble that shadowed his chin.

After coming to get him in the ward, Ishay had physically forced him to wait while she checked his hand for broken bones. Once the scan was completed she'd happily announced that nothing was broken, assuming he would be pleased, but he had barely even heard her. She'd muttered something about damaging some of the connective tissue in his hand while she bandaged his knuckles and strapped the brace overtop. Lee had sat motionless, his eyes trained on the corridor that led to Kara's room, and as soon as the medic declared herself finished with him, he'd practically launched himself towards the isolation room where he'd last seen Kara.

That first image of her lying so small and still amongst the crowd of machines and wires had left him with mixed feelings. On one hand, he had been so glad just to be near her again, just to see her again, that his heart had lifted and he'd felt a bubble of relief well up in his chest. On the other hand, however, seeing her again had also brought home just how dire the circumstances were. Her pale face was gaunt, the hallows in her cheeks and under her eyes stood out starkly under the harsh lights, the dark shadows of the bruises on her face only made her skin look more sallow and he could see the bones of her wrist practically jutting through the skin from across the room.

The bubble of relief had quickly burst and Lee'd had to fight just to keep himself standing upright. For a moment, it had been all he could do not to simply sink to the floor and curl up sobbing.

Then he'd noticed the doctor waving him to her side and he'd somehow managed to move his feet and propel himself to the bed. Standing over her, he'd automatically taken her hand in his and the reassuring warmth of her skin had helped clear his head.

"…walking the path one must wait

for without trust there can be no fate."

Helo's voice brought him back to the present and Lee looked up to watch Kara's chest rise and fall in time with the respirator. The sound of footsteps at the door made him drag his eyes away from her hesitatingly. Doc Cottle stood in the doorway holding a familiar clipboard: Kara's chart. Lee stood up automatically as he waited for the doctor to speak.

Seeing the carefully neutral look on the doctor's face, Lee felt the blood drain from his own.

_This is it, then. This is the beginning of the end._

Lee was vaguely aware that Karl had stopped reading and was also watching the doctor expectantly. Clearing his throat harshly, the doctor stepped into the room.

"We, uh, we have the results of those last blood tests," he said sadly.

_No, no, no!_

Lee had known it was coming. He had done his best to get used to the idea and yet, hearing the emotion in the usually stoic voice of the doctor, he felt his entire body go numb with denial. He could hear the doctor's voice, could see his lips moving, but had no idea what was being said. He turned back to Kara and reached for her hand.

_This is it. I really am losing her. She's leaving me at last._

The contact with her brought him back a little, even if part of his brain registered that her hand shouldn't be that cool in the relatively warm isolation room.

_Oh Kara! Kara!_

He searched for something. Something to say, something to do, but his mind was empty. She was leaving him, slowly but surely. There would be no explosion, no flame, no fire, no adrenaline soaked gunfight, no sudden gaping emptiness in space. This time she was just slowly slipping away from him, slowly leaving him behind.

A gentle hand on his shoulder broke through his thoughts.

"I'm sorry, son," Cottle said, his eyes heavy with grief, "it's only a matter of time now."

Lee nodded automatically in response, looking back down at Kara. She lay so still, so peaceful, it almost made him laugh. The idea of Starbuck ever holding still, ever looking anything that could be called peaceful, was ridiculous. Even in sleep she tossed and turned, kicking her covers off, flaying her arms and often even cursing aloud as she made her way through her nights in much the same way she did her days: full of noise, energy and action.

He felt his blood run cold as the reality of this latest news really sunk in. He'd been ready for it, he'd anticipated it, but somehow he still didn't believe it.

_It's not right. It can't be._

Starbuck always had an extra card up her sleeve, she always found a way to pull her own ass out of the fire at the last second, not to mention his own. He hadn't really admitted it to himself but all along he'd secretly believed she'd pull through, that no matter how dark things looked, Starbuck always came through. Even when he'd been torn apart by the thought of losing her, part of him still secretly believed he wouldn't. He'd felt that way when she vanished and even when they jumped away. Deep down where he barely even registered the thought, he'd believed that somehow she would find her way back to them, to _him_.

After all, she always had come back. Because of his own grief and anger he's lost her after Zak's funeral but somehow they ended up together on the one battlestar that survived the attacks on the Colonies. He'd both thanked and cursed the gods for that fact countless times since but the thanksgiving always, _always_, overpowered the cursing.

Since then she'd come back from what seemed like a certain death on that moon and from her hopeless mission to Caprica, not to mention the thousands of other risky maneuvers and daredevil attacks she pulled during their constant skirmishing with the Cylons. No matter what happened, Kara always came back to him. He could almost hear her voice in his ear, _like a bad cubit, eh Apollo?_

But looking at her still form he suddenly realized with a chill that this time it was different. This time, she'd rolled the snake eyes and there wasn't enough of her left to pull herself out of it.

This time would be the last time.

He felt his legs shaking under him and fell back into his chair still holding her hand. He reached up and swept a trembling hand across her forehead, sweeping her hair back gently. He felt the tears running silently down his cheeks but inside, inside he felt nothing.

For almost ten years Starbuck had been there, smirking, laughing and cursing at him, with him. Even when they'd been stationed apart after graduating from the academy she'd been there, a voice in the back of his head pushing him to be better, taunting him to keep up. But now, now she was leaving for good and there would be nothing left without her.

Tears streamed down his face as he clutched her hand in one of his own, and cupped her cheek in his other, but he was empty. Without Kara he was nothing.

***

"Well, I suppose that concludes all new business," Laura Roslin said amicably as she slid her glasses off and looked up to meet Commander Adama's eyes. "Unless you've made up your mind about what to do with Tom Zarek and his men?"

Bill shook his head, "We will let you know when that matter has been decided. Until that time, they will remain in our custody."

Satisfied that the Commander had at least agreed to think about the idea of a civil trial, Laura rubbed a hand across her eyes.

"You look tired," Bill said gently.

Laura chuckled, "Didn't your mother ever tell you that saying that to a woman is the same as telling her she looks old?"

Bill returned her smile but his eyes remained concerned, "Are you feeling alright?"

She nodded, understanding his underlying question. "Yes," she lowered her voice so that only he would hear her response, "the chamalla appears to be working, somewhat. Cottle said the cancer seems to have slowed a little."

Bill kept watching her with his careful gaze and noticed when she raised her hand to stifle another yawn.

Laura smiled behind her hand. Nothing got past the old man.

"You're right, I am tired. I just didn't get much sleep last night. Too much on my mind, I suppose." An image of a sunlit meadow flashed through her mind and Laura had a fleeting feeling that she had forgotten something important.

Bill nodded, satisfied with her answer.

"Any word on Lieutenant Thrace's condition?" Laura asked quietly.

Bills eyes drooped and she instantly regretted asking. He sighed heavily before he spoke, his voice a shade deeper and thicker, "Doc says her liver and kidneys aren't clearing the meds now. Her organs are shutting down." He stared blankly across the ward, pointedly keeping his eyes from her sympathetic expression. "It's," his voice faltered and against his own will he turned his head and squinted at the President, "it's only a matter of time now." The resignation and grief in his voice cut through Roslin like ice.

"Can you… have you been able to see her?" she asked softly, reaching out as if to comfort him but stopping before she actually closed her hand over his.

He shook his head sadly, "Doc says I can't afford to be exposed to whatever it is she's fighting. He says Lee and Helo will be okay and that we don't really have to worry about them carrying it to anyone else but with the healing wound over my heart…" his voice trailed off in anguish.

Before she could find something consoling to say, the sound of the main hatch interrupted their quiet conversation. Looking up, she saw Petty Officer Dualla approaching the Commander's bed.

Hesitating, obviously not wanting to intrude, the young woman paused several feet away her hands clasped behind her back.

"What is it Dee?" Bill asked, the slightly deeper rasp of his voice the only thing betraying the depth of emotion he'd pulled himself from. "It can't be time for another report already, we just spoke this morning."

"No Sir," Dee shook her head, "I just…" she hesitated and glanced at the President with trepidation. After staring at the President for a moment, however, Dee seemed to relax a little and approached the bed, "… I just wanted to bring this by." She brought her hands forward and showed the Commander a small leather pouch resting in the palm of her right hand. "I… I know it's foolish and I don't even really believe in it all myself, Sir, but I thought that since nothing else is working…" she trailed off, blushing with embarrassment.

"What is it, Dee?" the old man asked gently.

"It's," her eyes flashed up to meet his and her voice lost its trembling uncertainty, "it's farlahn, Sir. It's a Sagittaron remedy. I know," she stepped closer to the bed and held up her hand to keep the Commander from interrupting her, "I know it's not something you believe in, Sir, and like I said, I don't even really believe in it anymore but," she paused, her eyebrows furrowing as she struggled to explain her actions, "but I found this today, Sir. I thought I threw it out when it arrived in the last care package I got from my mother before... well, the last one. I was _sure_ I threw it away. And yet, I found it in the bottom of a box of my personal affects that had to be relocated because of the renovations to the storage lockers."

Her hazel eyes bored into the Commander and mirrored the conviction in her voice, "I think there was a reason I found it, Sir. You said Starbuck isn't responding to the antibiotics that Cottle's tried. Well, the Sagittarons believe that this herb fights infection and…" she faltered for only a second before regaining her resolve, "well, it aids in general healing and I believe that there is a reason why I found this today, why _my_ box had to be moved, why it came to me instead of just being re-stored in another locker, why I chose today to go through all my old junk, rather waiting for another day, and why I didn't just throw it all away as I had intended to do. I know, I know it's crazy but I couldn't just throw it away, Sir, I _had_ to bring it here." Dee clenched her hand, squeezing the pouch tightly.

Bill tried to hide his surprise. Dee was a competent and reliable soldier, a rational woman who had quickly grown to be someone he relied upon to keep the Galactica running on a daily basis, both before and after the attacks on the Colonies. And yet, here she was, trying to tell him that she thought some herb would bring Kara back from- he didn't let himself finish that thought.

It broke his heart. This thing with Kara tearing everyone up, he knew that the crew was going to take it hard, but for someone like Dee to resort to herbalism? How in the hell was he going to manage to keep them all going after a loss like this?

She had more than her share of rough edges but somehow Kara had become like a mascot to the crew; the wild and boisterous young woman had held them together through thick and thin and now they were losing her. Again. Permanently, this time.

"Look, Dee, I know you want to help. I know none of us want to admit what is happening but Cottle himself said there's nothing else we can do. She's too far gone, we have to start letting her go," his voice choked with emotion that he could barely contain.

"Sir, I beg your pardon but you're wrong, he's wrong." She gestured with the hand holding the bag as she spoke, "There is something else we can try. That's all I'm asking, Sir, that we at least try. If she's as bad off as you say, then it can't really hurt but if I'm right, if what I feel _is_ somehow right…" She shook her head incredulously as if she'd only just heard what she was saying, "Gods, I can't even believe I'm here asking you to do this; I can't believe that I actually believe but I _do_. I believe that this will help Kara and I'm begging you to just try it. Please, Sir, it can't hurt to try." She met his gaze evenly, holding it patiently.

The silence between them held for a moment until the President spoke,

"May I please see it?" she asked, reaching out her hand for the pouch. She couldn't put her finger on it but when the young woman had jostled the bag, a strangely familiar scent had wafted out of it.

Dee paused, momentarily confused by the request. "Of… of course," she finally stammered, reaching over the Commander's bed to drop the small leather bag in the President's outstretched hand.

Bill watched with curiosity while Laura hefted the bag before opening it cautiously.

The smell that flooded out of the worn leather pouch seemed to envelop her, reminding her of something warm and comforting. Reaching into the bag slowly, Laura drew out a single dried flower. As the fragile blossom sat weightlessly in her palm the scent grew stronger.

Suddenly, she was no longer sitting in the Life Station.

Laura blinked in the bright sunlight as she looked around at the familiar grass and the intimidating fringe of forest. In front of her stood Kara Thrace, her battered face twisted in a mask of fear, pain and helplessness.

She blinked again and was back sitting next to Bill's bed. The Commander and Dualla stared at her strangely.

"Madame President, are you alright?" he asked her worriedly.

She shook her head to clear it, her dream flooding back to her. The dark and stifling forest, the clean bright air of the meadow. She felt a little of her own fatigue and pain lift as she remembered basking in the warmth of the sun. Then she remembered Starbuck's desperate panic. She looked from the Commander to the young woman.

"Call Cottle, Bill."

"What? Laura, you can't be serious. No offense, Dee, but this all sounds a little-"

"Call Cottle, Bill," Laura repeated, her voice low and serious.

Something in her tone cautioned Bill not to argue with her. He shrugged and reached for the call button mounted next to his bed. _Fine, let Cottle deal with this_ _nonsense_.

He was shocked and little disappointed when the doctor didn't shoot down the idea right away.

"Well, some of these herbal remedies have been known to be somewhat effective," he said thoughtfully, puffing away on his ever present cigarette. "There's some research that they help with things like colds or arthritis but I've never heard of them working for something this serious. Madame President, you know my stance on these types of folk medicines. Until recently I'd never seen any evidence of them working myself," he said, looking up pointedly, "but if you three want me to give it to her," he shrugged, "I can't see the harm."

Watching Cottle's resigned expression Bill felt his heart sink. _ He's given up anyway_, he realized, _he doesn't care about giving Kara this crap because he's already accepted that we've lost her._

Laura and Dee looked to the Commander, he sighed and waved his hand dismissing himself from the conversation.

"So we might as well try it then," President Roslin said calmly. She had seen the shift in Bill's face and knew the depth of the impending loss was starting to hit him. Wanting to give him some privacy, she stood up quickly. "We've no time to lose," she said as she moved away from Bill's bed, gesturing for Dee and the doctor to follow her.

Approaching the door to the isolation areas, she asked, "How is it, uhm, usually administered, Petty Officer Dualla?"

Dee stepped up her pace to match the President's stride, "Well, uhm, Madame President, there are different ways to use it. It's the sticky oil secreted by the flowers that is the medicine, really. You can use it topically or, for something like this, my mother used to brew it into a tea for us to drink but you can also burn it and inhale the vapours. Burning it is supposed to be more effective because it's more like the su-" Dee caught herself and blushed.

"What was that?" Laura turned and squinted at her, pausing when they reached the door "More like what?"

Dee shrugged uncomfortably, "More like the sun, Sir. Apollo is the god of healing and the Sagittarons believe that with prayer and devotion, this herb aids in healing because it calls to him and, well, that it sort of helps him identify who is sick and just what kind of help they need from him."

Laura nodded, "Okay, Doctor Cottle, can we find someway to burn the herb and get the smoke into Kara's respirator?"

The doctor thought for a moment, "I'm a little hesitant to blow the smoke directly into the vent, we can't really control how much she takes in at once and I don't know how the mechanisms will deal with another substance."

Laura nodded again, thinking quickly, "what if we could vaporize it?"

The other two looked at her in confusion.

"What if we had a contraption that let us apply a very specific degree of heat to the herb so that it vaporized the essential oils of the plant without burning the actual plant matter? Would that still work?" she asked Dualla.

"I… I don't really know, Sir, I've never heard of anyone trying that. But, now that I think about it, I don't see why not. I mean, as long as it vaporizes the oil and… well, as long as there's a flame involved it should be the same, I suppose, but you're guess is really as good as mine." She shrugged, "I gave up on all this stuff a long time ago, I never really learned anything about it beyond how my parents used it."

Laura stood staring into the young woman's startling hazel eyes for a long moment before she pursed her lips slightly and nodded once.

"Yes, I think this might just work," Laura said softly before she looked up and noticed Lieutenant Gaeta making his way out of the Life Station. "Mr. Gaeta?" She called in a low voice.

He turned and swept his gaze across the ward, looking slightly confused until his eyes landed on the President. She gestured for him to join them and he quickly did so.

"Mr. Gaeta, I wonder if I could ask you a small favour," President Roslin asked.

"Of course, Madame President," he replied politely, his eyes darting curiously to Dee but her face gave him no additional information.

"Would you be able to gather a couple of marines and pay a visit to Dr. Baltar for me?"

"Uhm, Sir?"

"It's a long story, Lieutenant, but the short of it is that Dr. Baltar has a relatively large amount of a certain illegal plant stashed somewhere in his quarters or laboratory."

Gaeta's face blanched, everyone turned a blind eye to the doctor's smoking habits and in fact, most of the officers and pilots had smoked with him at one time or another.

"Don't look so worried, Mr. Gaeta," the President consoled him with a smile, "I'm not asking you to arrest him or to destroy the plant. We just need to borrow the nifty little machine he's got for smoking it."

Gaeta did his best to look like he had no idea what she was talking about.

Roslin rolled her eyes, "What I am asking you to do, Mr. Gaeta, is to go to Baltar and tell him that his possession of said plant will be overlooked in exchange for the use of said vaporizer," she said. After a moment's thought she added, "and his assistance in using it."

Gaeta looked at the President inquisitively.

"Oh no," she laughed, "it's not for me. We need his machine to administer a herbal remedy to Lieutenant Thrace and we need it as quickly as possible."

"Oh," Gaeta's face lifted with sudden understanding. "Okay, well I don't think I'll need a marine guard to speak with the Vice President and I'm sure he will be more than willing to help."

"Thank you, Mr. Gaeta. Please tell him to bring the device as fast as he can and to…" she looked at the doctor questioningly.

"I'll have Ishay meet him out here," Cottle said.

Gaeta nodded and snapped a quick salute before turning on his heel and dashing for the door.

As they followed Cottle through the doorway Laura turned back to Dee once again, "Tell me more about the prayer and devotion part of this whole process."

***

Time had slowed to a standstill as Lee sat beside Kara, clinging to her hand. He knew in his head that things were slipping, that Kara was slowly leaving him, but his heart simply couldn't process that fact. No matter how many times he repeated it in his head, it just didn't sink in. Nothing sank in. He was nothing more than an empty shell. Even thinking about Zarek did nothing: no flash of anger, no icy thirst for revenge. The place she'd held in him was empty and there was nothing left of him without her so he clung desperately to every last second he had with her.

Eventually he realized that he and Helo weren't alone with Kara any more. Looking up he was surprised to see the President and Dee standing with Doc Cottle in the doorway.

He stared at them in confusion, the void within him blanking out any idea he might have had about what to do when greeting the President of the Colonies.

Dee dragged her eyes away from the chilling sight of Starbuck lying so pale and quiet on the bed only to be met by the equally upsetting vision of the shattered and destroyed face of Apollo. She felt tears welling up and struggled to maintain her composure. The utter agony written across his face was only emphasized further by the blankness in his eyes. He was gone. He'd lost Starbuck and now they'd lost him. Unable to bear the sight of his pain, her gaze drifted to the other side of the room.

Helo sat there silently, gazing down at the book cradled in his hands. Looking closer she saw tears flowing steadily down his face. His mixture of composure and tears contrasted sharply with Lee's bewildered emptiness but was no less heartbreaking. Both men were grieving; both men were losing one of the most important people in their lives. Dee bit her lip to keep her own sobs from bubbling to the surface. Caught up in her own thoughts, Dee almost jumped with the President spoke quietly,

"We'd like to try one last thing for Lieutenant Thrace."

Lee just stared at her, his face showed no sign of understanding.

Laura smiled gently, "We're going to try a Sagittaron herbal remedy."

Lee's face darkened, "What?"

"It's a last ditch hope but it's all we have and… well, I can't fully explain it but I _believe_ in it. I have _faith_ that this will help her."

"But you said there's nothing to be done," Lee accused the doctor.

Cottle shrugged, "This isn't my doing, I have no reason to think this will do anything-"

A glare from the President silenced him.

"So what, so you're just going to start pulling out all the crackpot home remedies now? Are you going to bleed her too? Stick a bunch of Libran leeches on her?" Lee snapped. A faint part of his mind cringed and reminded him that he probably shouldn't speak that way to the President but he was past caring.

He looked down at Kara resting peacefully on the bed.

_How much time? Gods, how much time do I have left with her? How much time will the Lords give me? It can't be much and they want to come in here and use some of it up trying some frakked-up home remedy?_

He shook his head fiercely, "No way." He shook it again, looking back at the President, "Nuh uh. Pardon me, Madame President, but no _frakking_ way."

President Roslin stared back at him calmly ignoring his tone and choice of words, "It's not really a big deal, Captain, we just want to-"

"Well, if it's no big deal than why does it matter? Huh?" Lee gripped Kara's hand tighter and stepped closer to her bed, hovering almost protectively over her still form. "If it's no big deal then why can't you just leave her alone?"

"I meant that it's not an invasive procedure, Captain," Laura said as she raised her hands to placate him. "I know this is hard on you but-"

Lee leveled her with a fierce glare.

"Okay, I don't know _how_ hard this is on you but I can imagine. All we're asking is that you let us try one last thing."

Lee lifted Kara's hand to his chest and placed his other hand on her shoulder. "There's nothing anyone can do-" his voice cracked again and he struggled to keep going, desperately trying to control the wash of emotion that had suddenly replaced the empty void. "Can we just let her rest? Can't you just leave her alone?"

_Can't you just leave __**us**__ alone?_

He looked down at Kara again, stroking the back of his fingers gently along her cheek as he had countless times since he'd been allowed back in her room. He knew there was no point arguing. She was the President and he had no legal claim over Kara but he desperately wished they would just go and let him be with her.

_Please, please just leave us alone!_ The voice in his head begged. He'd been saying his good-bye, he'd been doing everything he could to get ready to let her go and now they had to come in with their last minute plan and...

He shook his head and struggled to force air into his lungs. His breath rasped harshly over the tears that were lodged in his throat.

_Why? Why did they have to come in here? I was in it, I was going to be with her for as long as I could be and that's all I wanted and now they come waltzing in with some frak-headed plan. Shit, it's so crazy, if Kara had thought of it herself I might just have believed-_ he grimaced and struggled against the dim flame of hope that speared through him at the thought of Kara's penchant for last minute frak-headed plans.

He sucked a breath in through his clenched teeth and looked up to find Helo's eyes on him. _Helo, thank the gods. Helo understands. _Lee shook his head dejectedly, his eyes pleading desperately. Helo studied him for a moment and then bobbed his head quickly once, almost too fast for Lee to catch the nod.

Helo sat silently in his wheelchair, watching Lee standing over Kara. He watched the rage of emotions warring within the other man and understood. His own heart was breaking at the thought of losing his best friend and he could only imagine how this must feel for Lee. If it was Sharon on that bed- he shuddered as a greasy snake of fear slid down his spine.

Still, Apollo had been holding it together, he'd been struggling but he'd been doing his best to accept this last stage of their life together. Until the President traipsed in with her plan and dangled yet another tempting bit of hope in front of him, that is.

Lee looked up and met his gaze. _Gods, she's making it worse, _Karl thought._ All this, it's just drawing it out, giving him, giving us, one last taste of hope even though it really is hopeless_.The sorrow and turmoil in the other man's eyes wrenched in him, resonating with his own pain. Lee's eyes burned into his, pleading for understanding, as he shook his head sadly. Karl nodded once in return, _I know, I know it's hard._ He shrugged slightly, _but she's the President._ Lee blinked in acknowledgement of that fact. _We know the truth, we know we're letting go and that's okay. _Karl frowned and struggled to overcome the pain that thought sent searing through him. He felt another tear slide down his cheek and did nothing to stop it. _She can do what she wants but it's okay because it doesn't change what we have to do. _He nodded again, gravely, his lips tight set.

_Karl gets it,_ Lee thought with a small amount of comfort,_ we're not going to think this changes anything but I'm not going to fight her on this. Not now._

He nodded again before turning back to stroke Kara's cheek once again.

Laura felt her heart break as she watched the young man struggling to figure out how to say goodbye to someone he couldn't live without.

She waited a long minute, hating to intrude on him any further than they needed to. "Captain?" she finally asked hesitantly.

"Okay," he said softly, nodding slowly. His head suddenly flashed up, a renewed look of pain in his eyes, "I don't have to leave again, do I?"

"Oh, no." The President crossed to him and rested a sympathetic hand on his arm, "No, no, you need to stay right here. You need to stay with her." She smiled gently, meeting his intense and territorial stare with her own softened by sympathy and understanding, "No, she needs you here and you need to be here." Giving into the desperate need to comfort, the President rubbed a soothing hand across his shoulders, "I understand that and I'm sorry we're making this harder on you. I wouldn't ask it unless I- well, unless it was necessary."

Lee stared into her eyes and found strength in their kindness. "I know that," he said softly. Laura smiled slightly and patted his back before she turned and walked back to the doctor just as the medic Ishay appeared in the doorway with Baltar and Gaeta.

"Doctor Baltar, I can't thank you enough for your assistance in this matter," President Roslin said, offering her hand.

"Uhm," Baltar stumbled, obviously uncomfortable with the acknowledgement of his pseudo-clandestine habit. He flashed a look to Gaeta before his eyes darted back to the President's. Regaining his composure, he took her hand grandly, "you're very welcome, Madame President. Anything I can do to help, obviously, is my pleasure," he babbled.

"Thank you," she said with a formal smile, subtly extracting her hand from his eager grasp. "Doctor?" she asked, turning to Cottle.

"Lemmie see that thing," Cottle said, reaching for the small glass case Baltar carried. The two of them fell into consultation with Gaeta, drifting slowly to the ventilator machine that pumped and whooshed near Kara's head as Ishay moved to the other side and checked the patient's vitals.

Roslin looked at the young soldier left standing in the doorway. She could see the tears barely being held back as the young woman stared at Captain Adama and Lieutenants Agathon and Thrace. The shock and dismay radiating off of her left no doubt in Laura's mind that Dualla might have trouble taking the lead in what they were about to do.

"Petty Officer?" she asked softly.

Dee straightened up instantly and met her gaze.

"Do you think, perhaps, it would be alright if I led the prayer?" Laura asked softly.

Dee was confused, why was the President asking for her permission? She waited for more of an explanation but the other woman was obviously waiting for her answer, "Uhm, yeah, sure." She shook her head, regaining herself, "Of course, Madame President, I assumed you would."

The President nodded and offered her a tight smile, "Thank you. Now you said you have a copy of the prayer?"

Dualla nodded in response and offered her a creased page that looked like it had been torn out of her officer's log. Noting Roslin's attention to the paper she shrugged, "I couldn't remember it all, I had to call around in the fleet a little until I found a Sagittaron who did."

"I'm very glad you did," Laura said warmly before she turned her attention to the words scribbled on the page.

The adaptation to the ventilator took only a few minutes and before long Cottle announced that everything was ready. He'd had Ishay give Kara another dose of bronchialdilator to open her airways as much as possible. The machine made sure she kept breathing and the oxygen tank it was supplied with ensured that she took in enough of the vital gas but her lungs and bronchi were still badly compromised. The medication would give them a window in which she would be able to inhale more deeply and could, therefore, absorb more of the vapours.

At last everything was ready.

Laura Roslin stood at the foot of Kara's bed with Dee standing to her left, next to Lee, who still clutched at Kara's hand somewhat territorially, and Karl sat opposite them on Kara's other side. Baltar, Cottle and Gaeta were clustered around the ventilator machine near the head of the bed and Ishay stood on the other side of Kara's head where she could monitor her vital signs and assist should anything go wrong with the ventilator.

Glancing once around the quiet room, Laura paused, gathering her inner strength and meeting the eyes of each person assembled around the bed. Placing her hand on Kara's blanket covered foot, she nodded to Baltar and he lit the burner. She stared at the small flame before she closed her eyes and cast her mind back to her scattered memories of that warm sunny meadow. For a second she could hear the breeze rustling in the grass, feel the sunlight on her face and smell the earthy scent of the sun-warmed grass undercut by the soothing scent of its red blossoms. Opening her eyes, she felt as if the sun was still warming her skin and could have sworn she felt her hair shift just slightly in an impossible breeze.

She smiled gravely at the group around her and then slipped her glasses on before lowering her head to read from the page Dualla had given her, her voice soft and low.

"Great Apollo, hear our plea. Your daughter, Kara Thrace, lies here struck down by the evil deeds of others but by no fault of her own. We gather today in your name to beg her plea." As she read the words aloud Laura felt a soft caress of wind on her face carrying the scent of the meadow to her again. The light seemed to shift, the page glowing brighter as if she were reading it under a noon-day sun and not the harsh artificial lighting of the isolation room.

Dualla recognized some of what the President was saying but realized quickly that she was ad libbing as she went, blending her own words in with the ancient prayer.

"Kara is very ill and in need of your protection and aid, great Sun Lord, and as a sacrifice we offer this wondrous flower, favoured by gods and man, for your pleasure. Please, my lord, please hear our plea and grant your daughter, our sister, some respite."

Enough of her parents' beliefs still clung to Dee to leave her uncomfortable with the President deviating from the traditional prayer. She hated to interrupt the President but _there's only enough farlahn to do this once, _she thought, _we have to get it right_. Just as she was about to speak, however, the President's voice deepened and rang with an indescribable authority. Dee blinked as she felt that voice resonate deep within her. Her doubts suddenly vanished as a wave palpable energy and power radiated out from the woman next to her.

"This is not Kara's time, my Lord, she is being taken from us too soon and her work here is not complete. Please, revered and praised Apollo, please grant us the grace of your attention and care. Shine your love on Kara once again and bring health and wellbeing to this shattered soul."

Laura looked up at Kara's face and saw, beneath the bruises and cuts, the fierce tempestuous woman she'd developed a strange kind of kinship with, "She is a good woman, strong and true. She is a warrior, a defender of the people, a fearless and skilled huntress much like your own dear sister. Please do not allow her to be taken from us this day. Please share with her your incomparablehealing, your love, and your light. This I beg you in the name of all your children, in the names of the thirteen tribes: Caprica,"

She paused and looked up, her eyes drawn first to Cottle, then Kara, and then Lee, her eyes widening as they each appeared to glow faintly for a moment. Looking down briefly she saw her own hands glow and then dim. No one else registered any recognition of what she had seen.

"Sagittaron."

This time it was Dee her eyes turned to and Dee who stared back at her intently but unknowingly as the warm light shone beneath her dusky skin for a brief instant.

"Aerilon."

She felt another shock of surprise as her eyes were drawn to Baltar who quickly flushed and looked away as the light rose in him and died away.

"Gemenon."

She watched silently as Kara glowed briefly again.

"Picon."

Gaeta was kneeling beside the ventilator but she saw the glow radiate out from him nonetheless.

"Tauron."

Lee shone again.

"Virgon."

Lieutenant Agathon gazed up at her calmly from his wheelchair as the glow lit his pale skin.

"Scorpia."

She didn't have to look to know her hands were glowing again, her grandmother was born and raised on Scorpia.

"Aquaria."

Cottle squinted at her from across the room as she looked up and met his eyes, they glowed along with his skin.

"Canceron."

Ishay the medic was fiddling with the tape that held the tube in Kara's mouth as she glowed gently.

"Leonis"

Agathon shone again as he stared at Kara.

"Libran."

She said finally as Gaeta stood up, his face gleaming as he smiled tersely at her.

"And Earth," she whispered looking up and seeing, somehow without surprise, that they all glowed together. This time, the light did not dim.

"In the names of all your sons and daughters, oh lord, I beg for your pity and your compassion. Grant Kara your blessing and your protection in this hour of her greatest need. Bring her the warmth and peace of your heart as you guide her back to us."

She looked up at the assembled group, "So say we all," her voice resonated and seemed to echo with energy as she gazed around the rough circle at the men and women still glowing with an internal light source that she could not describe.

"So say we all," they echoed. The light flared briefly and Laura felt a last gust of the soft breeze before it faded and she was left squinting at the page she held in her hand.

The group around the bed stood silent for a moment, everyone lost in their own thoughts. An air of reluctance hung in the room as if no one wanted to be the first to break the quiet aura that had settled over all of them. Finally, Ishay moved to check the displays on the monitors stationed around Kara. Meeing the doctor's questioning eyes, she shook her head slightly. Cottle smiled with tight lips,

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is that. If you'll excuse us, Ishay and I have other patients to see." He headed towards the door but turned just before he left, "I'll, uh, be back in a couple of hours to run more blood tests." Shaking his head as if he didn't believe he'd just said that, he ducked out of the room followed closely by the young medic.

Gaeta cleared his throat hesitatingly, "Uhm, I'm due in CIC," he murmured to no one in particular. He looked reflexively at Lee as if waiting to be dismissed but Lee was staring down at Kara oblivious to anything else. Gaeta bobbed his head deferentially and hurried out. Carrying the vapourizor close to his chest as if to conceal it, Baltar followed quickly on Gatea's heels not making eye contact with anyone else in the room, seemingly anxious to make his escape without further discussion of the device or his reason for possessing it.

President Roslin turned to Dee and asked softly, "So, now what do we do, Petty Officer?"

Dee tore her eyes away from Starbuck's face with difficulty. "Uhm, well, we're supposed to keep praying for her as often as we can. The idea is that more voices appealing to him more often will increase the chance of him hearing us and making the effort to help her."

The President nodded in understanding.

"Madame President?" Dee asked hesitatingly.

"Yes?"

"If I might be so bold, what made you deviate from the prayer I gave you?" Dee asked as politely as she could. The change in Roslin's voice and the energy that had all but crackled around her while she read had at the time been comforting and encouraging but the memory of it now was making Dee feel more than a little disconcerted.

Roslin's eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm sorry," Dee hurriedly apologized, "I don't mean any- I mean it's alright, I was just wondering where those other words came from," she stammered.

Roslin shook her head in confusion, "I don't know what you're talking about," she said, "I did read what you gave me."

Dee shook her head slowly, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I remember enough of the prayer to know that what you said was different. Some of it was the same but most of it wasn't."

Roslin stared down at the paper in her hand in confusion. She stared at the words on the page. Some of the phrases were the same or similar but she realized right away that a large portion of the prayer she had read only minutes before was not written there. She looked up at Dee in disbelief. She remembered very clearly reading a much longer passage and could picture it in her mind, the scrawling but neat handwriting of the young officer filling most of the page.

Looking back down she frowned at the writing that covered only half of the small piece of paper. _I was reading, I wasn't just making all that up._ She shook her head slowly, _is this just another case of the chamalla altering my perception?_

Suddenly her heart sank. She had been so certain this is what she was to do, that this would help guide Kara back from that meadow, bringing her home at last, but she'd ruined it. Her weakness and inability to control the impact of her own illness would cost this young woman her life. _Unless it helped, _a small voice inside her whispered. She wanted to believe that, to believe that yet again the chamalla had granted her an important vision but she couldn't help worrying about the consequences they would all have to face if that wasn't the case.

Dee watched the older woman closely, the President suddenly appeared very worried and had lost the air of conviction and optimism that had enveloped her the moment she'd held the small pouch of farlahn.

"Sir?" Dee asked quietly, placing a gentle hand on the President's. "It's alright. You said the _right_ words. Really. I mean, they weren't the _same_ but it sounded… well, _right_, correct-appropriate." Dee struggled to express her experience of the ceremony without going into detail about what had happened when the President spoke. Her previous denouncement of her faith had been shaken by the events of the past few minutes but somehow she felt uncomfortable with the idea of telling the President how she'd seemed to change while leading the prayer.

Laura looked up and met the hazel eyes that gazed confidently at her. Dee stared at her with such certainty that she couldn't help but feel better herself.

"I…" she fumbled, unsure of what to say. "Thank you, uh- Dee," she hesitated over the use of the girl's nickname but the intimacy of what they'd just gone through made the use of her title seem inappropriate and cold.

Dee smiled shyly, "Thank _you_, Sir." She removed her hand as if suddenly embarrassed for taking such a liberty.

Laura had spent enough time with the Commander and his son to recognize the automatic discomfort and awkwardness of a soldier suddenly finding herself acting outside her military role. Wanting to give the young woman a chance to slip back into her comfort zone, President Roslin straightened up, tugged her tailored jacket into place and shook her hair off her face. Suddenly remembering the overwhelming number of appointments Billy had listed off that morning she glanced at her watch, her eyes widened in shock, "Oh dear," she muttered under her breath. "Unfortunately, I have to leave but I will be offering prayers as often as I can and will ask my staff to do the same."

"Uhm, no offence, Madame President, but it's not just a matter of quantity," Dee said hesitatingly. "It, well as I remember, it's just us, those of us who were here for the ceremony, who will make a difference," she blushed in spite of her renewed determination to follow the ancient traditions, "it's, well, it's something to do with the flower, since we all breathed some of it in too… or something. I'll- I'll speak to everyone else that was here."

Roslin smiled and nodded, "Very well." She looked over as if to speak to Lee but noticed his complete absorption in Kara once again. She smiled sadly, looking over to meet the haggard eyes of Lieutenant Agathon, "You'll take care of both of them, won't you, Lieutenant?"

"Yes Ma'am, I will," he said softly, his deep voice rumbling in the quiet room.

"Thank you."

She nodded at both him and Dee before quickly slipping away.

The three officers stood in silence for some time, each lost in their own thoughts as they listened to the sounds of Kara's life-support and monitors.

Finally Dee shook her head and broke out of the maze of confusion, doubt and unexpected faith that she'd found herself trapped in once the ceremony had ended. One thought lingered in her mind. It had started as a random inspiration but had quietly grown into a certainty. She stepped closer to Lee and looked up at him anxiously. _Gods help me, I know he's doing all he can just to hold on right now but I know what you want from me, I know what you want from us and I will see that it is done._

She cleared her throat softly.

"Uhm, Captain?" she asked quietly.

Lee didn't respond as he stood rigidly with Kara's hand in his, his eyes trained on her pale face.

Dee placed her hand cautiously on his arm and felt immediately guilty when he tensed under her touch. His eyes swung round to meet hers and she almost flinched away from the heat of his annoyance and anger over her small disturbance.

"I'm… I'm sorry Sir," she murmured, "but well, did you hear what I said to the President about what we have to do now?"

Lee shook his head as his eyes darkened and he glared at her suspiciously, "Now what?" he ground out between his teeth.

Part of Lee's mind recognized the hesitation and hint of fear in Dee's eyes but he couldn't reign himself in. He was somehow managing to balance on the knife-edge of the minuscule amount of self-control he still possessed and it was all he could do not to scream, cry and smash everything, and everyone, within reach into tiny pieces.

"Uhm, well it's not really much," she babbled, struggling to keep her focus under the intensity of his stare, "but we need to keep praying for Kara and since-"

Lee cut her off with a snarl as he whipped his head back to face Kara and snatched his arm away from Dee's hand.

Dee wanted nothing more than to dash out of the room and return to the safe and orderly world of her ordinary life onboard the battlestar but her sense of duty and newfound, if still somewhat cynical, faith kept her rooted to the spot. She took a deep breath and willed her voice not to shake,

"Sir, I know-" she tried again.

"Dee," Helo cautioned her in a low voice from across the room.

She shook her head at him, "No, if this is going to work we all need to pray and obviously Captain Adama-"

"Enough," Karl said, a fierce warning in his voice as he turned his chair to face Dee.

She squared her shoulders and turned back to Lee, speaking urgently, almost pleading with him, "Sir, I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure, if something hadn't _made_ me sure. I really _believe_ this could work but I _know_ it won't if you don't pray too."

"Dee!" Helo's commanding tone interrupted her momentarily but she didn't acknowledge the other man.

Dee placed her hand back on Lee's arm and gripping him tightly as the words tumbled out of her in a rush, "I mean it, Captain. I'm sorry, but you need to do this. You have to do this. Without you it won't work. We need _you_. She needs _you. _He'll listen to you. You're the closest to her, you know her best and, maybe most importantly, you carry his name. Can't you see that? Can't you see how you're the centre of this, you're his namesake and that has to mean somethi-" her words ended in a half-cry of surprise as a strong hand clamped down on her shoulder and jerked her several stumbling paces backward.

She tripped over her own feet and fell back, half slouched against the wall of the small room as Helo loomed over her, his face twisted with pain as he lurched towards her balancing on his good leg.

"I said, _ENOUGH_," he growled.

"I-I-I was j-just," Dee stammered.

Helo leaned down until his face was inches from hers, his anger instantly softening back into the grief and pain she's seen earlier, "I know you're trying to help but," his voice hardened again and he shot a quick look over his shoulder at Lee who was still standing motionless next to Kara, apparently oblivious to what had just happened, "but it's too much." He shook his head angrily, "You can't ask him to do this."

Recovering from her surprise, Dee straightened up and glared at him, "I have to," she whispered angrily, "she needs this. I know you're not a believer Helo. Hell, until today I would have said _I_ wasn't a believer, but this is something-"

Helo cut her off with a hand raised in warning, "I mean it, Dee, you have to stop this _now._ I know you mean well but what you're asking, it's… it's…" he shrugged sadly, his voice dropping even lower, "you're going to kill him with this."

Dee shook her head angrily, "I know, but-"

"No buts!" The anger resurfaced in his eyes, "Godsdamnit, Dee!" he struck the wall above her head with his palm, "can't you see that you can't ask him to do this? That he can't take any more of this?"

"But all I'm asking is for him to-"

"All you're asking is for him to keep hoping, for him to open that door again even when we all know it's only going to slam shut in a matter of hours!" he hissed, his eyes dark.

Dee blinked at him in surprise.

"Can't you see what you're really asking of him, Dee?" Helo sagged with sudden fatigue, his eyes softening once again as he begged her to understand. "For weeks he's been torn between hope and despair when everyone else gave up. Finally she came back to us and his hope was realized but then she was so sick and… and it was torn apart once again. After that surgery she woke up but then she crashed again and again his hopes..."

Helo cleared the tears from his throat, "He's been pulled so many different ways by all of this, I have no idea how he's still managing to be standing here with her, but he is. Somehow he's still here and he's trying to figure out how to get through this, how to finally let her go and accept that she's gone for good."

Helo's face darkened again and the accusation in his eyes sent a flare of guilt that cut faintly through Dee's resolve. His voice dropped so that she had to strain to listen to the growl, "and then you and the _frakking_ President show up with your herbs and your prayers and suddenly he's supposed to start hoping again. You can't ask him to do that, not now, not because of something just based on myths and legends."

Dee opened her mouth to object to the last statement but Helo's steely glare had her snapping it shut as quickly as she opened it.

"You need to leave now, Dee." Helo watched as her eyes flashed under his arm to Lee and he sensed her desire to continue arguing. A wash of red hot fury swept over the usually level headed young man and he found himself gripping her arm before he could stop himself, "You need to leave, _now,_" he repeated, shaking her a little. His voice ground out between his clenched teeth, "You can go pray, light candles, chant over statues, whatever the _frak_ you want, but you are not speaking to him again and you are not coming back in here. _Do you hear me?_" he snarled.

Dee stared up into Helo's face in disbelief, _where the frak did this come from? I've never seen Helo like this, I've never been afraid-_ even as she thought it, she realized it wasn't really true. Helo was furious, she could feel the rage radiating off him, but she wasn't really frightened of him. His grip on her arm was tight but she knew he wasn't trying to hurt her. She swallowed and nodded, dropping her eyes as she realized there was no point in arguing any further.

Suddenly feeling lost and confused, she looked up at Helo, overwhelmed by everything that had happened. "Okay," she said softly as she tried to force a small smile. She felt his grip on her arm relax immediately.

_Frak me,_ Helo cursed himself as he stared down into Dee's teary eyes, _gods man, what did you just do?_ Before he could make his apology she smiled again, it was a sad smile but there was strength in it.

"I'm going but can I ask you a question first? Not about him," she said, nodding her head towards Lee. "About what happened." she said in a whisper, her eyes reluctant and unsure.

"Yeah, I felt it too," Helo admitted softly, knowing what she was about to ask. "There might be something in all this, Dee. I can't explain what happened but I just can't let you-"

"I know," she said raising her hands in surrender, "I know, I just needed to ask. I needed to make sure I…" she trailed off in uncertainty.

"Don't worry," Helo grinned at her. It was the same grin she'd seen a thousand times over the triad table, or flashing across the mess, but it didn't wash any of the fear or grief from his eyes. "You're not crazy." He ran his hand up and down her arm comfortingly as he realized he was still holding onto her.

She nodded, accepting the unspoken apology in the gesture, and flashed him a tight smile before she ducked under his arm and disappeared out the door.

Helo awkwardly turned on one foot, hissing out a breath as a fiery needle of pain shot through his leg. He hopped back to his wheelchair and dropped into it with a grimace, thinking about the reaming out he'd get if Cottle caught him standing up and hopping around. He adjusted his aching leg in the footrest and caught sight of Lee's free hand as he did so. It was shaking. Badly. Looking up quickly he saw silent tears pouring down Lee's face. Helo's heart froze. He immediately looked to the monitors. _Thank the gods,_ he breathed, noting that Kara's vitals hadn't changed.

Looking back at Lee, Helo noticed his clenched jaw, his lips drawn into a tight line and the furrow between his eyes. Karl was swamped by a sudden wave of helplessness. He'd grown somewhat used to the idea, however awful, that there was nothing he could do for Kara but seeing the depth of Lee's agony, he desperately wished he could do something, anything, to relieve his suffering. He slowly turned the chair to face the bed, bringing himself closer to the other young man. He waited, feeling like the only thing he could do was to simply be here with Lee, to keep him company as his world fell apart.

After a few minutes Lee gulped down a breath. He opened his mouth but it took him a couple of tries to get anything out,

"I," he gasped, trying to speak past the silent sobs that wracked through him, "I-I-need-" He closed his eyes in frustration and forced a slower breath before trying again. "Will you help me pray?" he asked softly, his eyes never leaving Kara.

Surprised, Helo was caught of guard, "Apollo, you don't need to… don't feel that you have to," he stammered as he silently cursed Dee and the President.

Lee shook his head slowly, his face hardening in resolve, "No, I need to, Helo."

"Listen, Dee was just-"

Lee shook his head, "I need to do this, Helo. Not because of what Dee said and not because of what the President did but because it's what she would do for me."

Lee looked down at Helo, his eyes begging for understanding, for agreement.

"If she could, she'd pray for herself but since she can't, I'm going to do it for her. It's what she would want and, if our positions were reversed, she sure as hell would pray for me. Frak," he almost managed a rueful smile, "knowing Kara, she'd pray harder for me than she ever would for herself." He shook his head and looked back at her still form. He sighed as he raised their joined hands and kissed the back of her hand gently.

"I want to pray for Kara but…" he glanced back down at Helo and suddenly there was fear and anxiety mixed with the quiet certainty in his eyes, "I…I'm not sure… I- I mean, I'm not sure I can do it. I don't know how. Can you help me?" he asked softly, as if embarrassed to be making the request.

Karl looked up and saw a young man drowning in grief and pain but saw no trace of anger, ambivalence, or indecision. Lee was sure. It was killing him to do it, but this was something he wanted to do. Something he needed to do. Karl nodded slowly. Both men turned back to stare down at Kara. Karl waited a moment but when Lee stood silent he lifted a cautious hand to rest on the other man's shoulder and softly began,

"Lords of Kobol, hear our prayer…"

***

_Easing back from his run, Lee slowed his pace, listening to his footfalls echo in the silent corridor. He slowed to a walk, marveling at the stillness around him. Stopping to stand with his hands on his hips, he heard the sound of his breath but nothing else. _

"_It's funny," he thought to himself, "you never realize how noisy these ships are until they go quiet." _

_He had a fleeting thought that he should have found the silence eerie but instead it was somehow peaceful. Lee moved slowly down the causeway, relishing the solitude. Turning a corner he found himself in __**that**__ hall. The one he'd managed to avoid for the past seven weeks. His gaze wandered from picture to picture, staring at the faces of people he'd never met, would never meet, people who meant nothing to him except that they meant something to people who meant something to him. _

_His heart was heavy with the weight of remembrance and mourning that hung in the very air around him. His eyes scanned the crowded walls looking for a face he knew he wouldn't find here, a picture he'd been unable to hang here. A picture he would have to hang here soon. _

_Lee froze. _

_He didn't have a picture of her._

_He felt his blood turn to ice in his veins as he realized he literally had nothing left of her. Nothing. He turned slowly, staring at the faces that stared silently back at him._

"_We had life," their eyes whispered, "we lived and laughed and loved and were loved. What do you have? What do you have to show for your life? What have you had with her?"_

"_Everything," his heart longed to scream, "I had everything with her and she is everything to me. She is my life!" but he couldn't. Who was he kidding? They hadn't had everything. They'd barely had any contact for years before the attacks and the time they'd shared since then was more often spent pissing each other off than enjoying each other's company._

_Lee shook his head and tried to explain it, explain what she meant to him, what they'd shared despite the outward appearance of their relationship, but he couldn't. How could you explain something you never really understood yourself?_

_The faces stared at him. No matter where he turned there was someone staring at him, someone's loved one staring at him. Their dead eyes accused him, judged him. They'd been happy people, normal happy people with real lives, real futures, and now they were nothing. He and Kara had been granted life when so many had lost theirs but they were frak-ups with nothing to show for themselves but a motley collection of military honours and reprimands. No one but a long line of damaged loved ones trailing behind in their wake. Nothing and no one- except for each other._

_And then he had it. _

_They fought and they cursed and they threw punches but in the end they had each other; in the end they fit together like no one else ever had. They somehow managed to bring out the best and the worst in each other whenever they were together but that was the key, that they were together. They always had been. Since the day they met, maybe before that, Kara and Lee were two halves of something that they couldn't explain but couldn't deny, no matter how hard they tried. She was everything no one else ever was, everything no one else ever could have been. She was the one, his one. And that was not nothing._

_Looking up, the faces no longer judged him for living, for surviving when they did not. They gazed at him gently, understanding and accepting the truth he'd finally found._

_Lee stood still for a heartbeat, enjoying the peace he found in that truth, before a sound caught his ear. A faint but ringing sound that cut through the heavy silence he'd grown accustomed to._

_Footsteps._

_He turned towards the sound, straining his ears, and moved to follow them automatically when he realized the sound was fading. Their slow echoing tone called to him wordlessly._

_The pace of the steps picked up as he moved. His heart trembled. He couldn't lose track of that sound. _

_He slipped easily into a light jog, blindly taking turns and slipping down stairwells as he hurried to keep that sound within his hearing. As he followed, it accelerated and he did his best to match its pace. _

_Soon he was running, dashing down corridors without a thought to where he was going, to where the sound might be leading him. All he knew was that he had to follow it, had to reach whoever it was running ahead of him._

_The footsteps were no longer fading. He wasn't falling behind anymore! Relief speared through him even as the urgent yearning in him grew until it was almost unbearable. He dug in and picked up his pace, his heart starting to pound as a desperate longing clutched at his chest._

_Lee tore down hallways and up access ladders, inching up his speed whenever he could. _

_Their two sets of footsteps grew louder, echoing together on the metal decks as his quarry fled ahead of him. His breath dragged in and out of his chest, searing his throat, but he paid it no heed. _

_On he ran._

_He lost all sense of time. It felt like he'd been running for as long as he could remember. "Hurry, hurry. Faster, Lee, faster," were the only thoughts in his head. Desperation rose in his chest, he was still gaining but it felt like he'd never catch up to the allusive ghost-like runner. _

_And still he ran._

_His blood roaring in his ears, Lee leapt down a small flight of stairs, almost losing his footing but somehow righting himself with barely a break in his stride, and tore around a corner. Blinking sweat out of his eyes, he caught a flash of movement at the end of the long corridor just as someone rounded the next bend in the hall. His thundering heart soared and he pushed himself to run faster._

_Ignoring the burning in his lungs and legs, Lee saw a glimpse of a booted foot and a sweaty arm as he flew through a hatch. _

_He ran._

_Gasping now after what felt like an eternity of running, his heart reached out before him, pulling him ever on as it willed him to move even faster. His boots hammered the deck and this time he was rewarded with a glimmer of flaxen hair as its owner dropped down a ladder._

_Hope warred with panic as he looked at the space between him and the ladder and how slowly he was able to close that distance; he was still too far behind and no matter how desperate he was, no matter how much he wanted to keep going, he could not possibly keep this pace up for long. He just couldn't run fast enough._

_The fiery panic changed to icy dread as he dimly felt his legs growing heavier. Still he pressed on, simply unwilling to let his pace slacken, unwilling to let his limbs slow. Somehow, he drew from that dread and pushed himself even harder and, miraculously, his legs moved a fraction faster._

_His chest ached dully and spots were starting to form before his eyes. _

_And yet he ran._

_Ignoring the pain and dizziness that swirled in his head, he focused on his feet. "Step, step, step, step," he intoned mentally. "Go, go, go, go, go!"_

_He could hear the footsteps growing louder as he and his leader tore through a series of tight turns and access hatches. His lungs felt as if they were about to burst. _

"_Faster, faster, faster."_

_Lee felt his energy running out but he refused to slow. He ignored every signal his body was sending him, screaming at him, and just kept running. It was all he could do. All he had to do. _

_All he had. _

_He ran and ran, his lungs on fire, his legs like lead weights. On and on he ran, getting closer but never getting more than a glimpse of flesh or a flash of hair._

_Finally he felt himself slipping, realized the edges of his vision were dimming, and felt the panic rising again as his heart tore a blaze of pain in his chest with every beat. Lee didn't care. _

"_Can't stop now," he thought, any possibility of having enough breath to spare for speech had long since vanished._

_He would keep running until he couldn't. _

"_Go!" a voice yelled in his head._

_He would run until he fell down dead. _

"_Faster!" it screamed_

_He would not slow._

"_More!"_

_He would not pause._

"_Harder!"_

_He would not stop. _

"_Move!"_

_He would die chasing her, would die desperately hoping to catch one more glimpse of her._

_But then, just as the world grew darker and the fire radiated menacingly out from his lungs, he dove through a hatch and found himself in a large, open and well-lit space._

_Usually busy and bustling with noise, the hanger deck was empty and strangely still. The vipers and raptors stood silently, lined up neatly alongside the tools and repair equipment. _

_The birds stood alone save for one figure standing perfectly still in the centre of the vast hanger. There, in the stretch of space between their vipers, with her legs braced apart, her hands on her hips, her chest heaving as her breath raced in and out in time with his own, she stood._

_His pounding footsteps stumbled to a halt as he stared at her, almost unable to believe he'd actually caught up with her at last. His arms pin-wheeled absurdly as he struggled to keep his balance against the force of his own momentum. His heart warred between fury and dizzying relief. _

_Why had she run from him? Why had she made him chase her all that time? Why couldn't she just have waited for him?_

_She raised her head and looked at him._

_The questions and anger vanished._

_From beneath the fringe of sweaty hair that was plastered to her forehead, her green eyes peered out across the distance between them and nailed him to the spot._

_His heart swelled with relief and inexpressible joy. _

_Her head cocked slightly to one side as she offered him one of her strange half smiles, her eyes heavy with a mixture of pain, amusement and surprised gratitude._

"_Lee," she whispered almost under her breath, "I knew you'd catch me." Her eyes closed in blissful relief. _

_And then she was gone._

Lee awoke with a start, his head snapping up off his chest. He struggled to regain control of his breathing while realizing, to his surprise, that his legs still burned and his head still throbbed in time with the pounding of the blood in his ears. He shook his head to try to clear away the physical sensations of the vivid dream.

The image of that empty space between their vipers suddenly came back to him and brought a wave of darkness crashing down over his heart, burying him in a grief so heavy that for a moment he forgot to breathe. His hand scrabbled on the sheet, automatically reaching for Kara's. Knotting his fingers through hers, he stood on unsteady legs and wiped his free hand across her sweaty brow.

He felt the hand in his stir as her eyelids quivered.

Lee's heart stopped.

He gripped her hand and bent over the bed. Her fingers flexed and tightened slowly as her long lashes stirred against her pale skin.

"Kara?" he rasped, his throat raw and dry as if he had indeed been running for hours.

Her eyelids stirred and then fluttered.

Suddenly she was blinking slowly and staring up at him.

Lee felt his world slide to a stop as he gazed down into twin pools of bottomless green. Bright, open green without a shade of fever or fear.

"Kara," he breathed.

--

_A/N: Well? Was it worth the wait? Was it totally awful? - I am dying to hear what you think. After being away from it for so long I'm still feeling a little out of touch with the fic and the characters and am hoping you'll take the time to give me some honest feedback. I mean that. I want to hear from you. Yes you, the one sitting there in front of the monitor, yeah, you right there. Stop looking around as if I'm talking to someone else, there's no one else here and I really want to hear _your_ opinion - Was it great? Was it unbelievably terrible? What did you like? What did you hate? Be a pal and let me know and I promise I'll do my best to do better next time :)_

**No spoilers please!!**


	16. Chapter 16

_**SPOILERS FOR SERIES FINALE ARE CONTAINED IN THIS NOTE - SKIP TO "Chapter 16" IF YOU WANT TO AVOID THEM**_

_A/N: Back again with thanks to everyone for reading! Special mention goes to those of you who encouraged me with reviews and kind thoughts - it's funny how the care and well wishes of a virtual stranger can make you smile.. but it does! :D_

_I know a lot of you have been hanging on through the darkness waiting for some real Kara/Lee interaction and, without giving too much away, I hope this satisfies you at least a little - there's a lot more coming in the next couple of chapters, I promise! After finally watching the finale, I have to say I was more than a little disheartened and had a hard time getting back to this but once I got into it, it was a little therapeutic. I hope that, for any of you who also felt let down after watching, reading it is too. Special thanks to Uberscribbler who helped me keep perspective and has been unnecessarily patient about my addiction to commas :)_

_NOTE: If I owned all this, I would have come up with something better than "angels" and wouldn't have hinged it all on a Bob Dylan song. Seriously, what the heck was that? If you wrote or okay'ed that, you really shouldn't care if we feel the need to write our own stories about the characters you finished off with such little style and substance._

* * *

**Chapter 16  
**

There was darkness.

_Darkness is good_, she tried to tell herself. D_arkness is better than nothing_.

In the nothing she'd drifted barely even aware she existed. Now, alone in the silent dark, at least she was sure she _was_. She wasn't sure _who_ she was, but at least now she was sure she was here.

All of a sudden, somewhere in the dark she felt something pulling at her, calling to her silently. She felt herself moving through the darkness at an alarming speed.

The emptiness started to crumble, faint sounds echoed deafeningly in her ears that had heard nothing for so long. A faint beeping and pumping sent a shiver of excitement through her. Something was happening and that something, whatever it was, was a relief from the empty nothingness that had held her captive for so long.

As if the registering of those small sounds had been the pebbles that herald the start of a landslide, she began to be cascaded with sensation: a smooth sheet under her…the pull of what felt like a bandage on her cheek…the weight of a light blanket on her chest…the familiar heavy sensation as a cast on her hand… a tightness in her chest… a raw ache in her throat… Underneath it all was the steady but tolerable burn of pain; pain too strong to be numbed entirely by what felt like a large amount of medication. The sensations crowded in on her, overwhelming her, as her mind raced to process and understand the torrent of sounds, textures, and even the faint staleness in the air that almost reminded her of something.

She struggled to hold back the onslaught and give herself some breathing room to remember who she was and where she might be. _What's going on? What happened to me?!? _She could feel the panic building in her chest and struggled to keep calm in the hopes that something might come back to her.

Another sensation suddenly registered in her mind, shattering any hope she had of concentrating on her memory: someone was holding her hand. Her heart clenched in inexplicable fear for a brief moment before she recognized the calloused palm and the firm grip of the slim fingers. She had no idea how she recognized the feeling of one hand when she knew nothing else but she did. She had no name or face for the owner of that hand, but she _knew_ him and felt a surge of relief and joy at the knowledge that _he_ - whoever _he_ was - was with her.

The nothingness continued to lift as she relished the feeling of her hand being cradled in his and enjoyed the unabashed comfortable familiarity of his touch. She knew without having to think about it that this contact was something tenuous thatcould disappear without warning. She knew, just as surely, that it was something she desperately needed.

Another hand swept away the hair that she hadn't realized had been tickling her forehead. The hand holding hers stirred and, unable to help herself, she struggled to hold onto it, fearful that she would slip back into the emptiness without that contact.

_He knows me. I know that. He knows who I am and where I belong. Gods, why can't I remember his name? _

She had to see him, had to tell him not to go, had to tell him she needed him to hold her here, to keep her safely away from the emptiness, but something was lodged in her throat and she couldn't speak. Desperate, she struggled to open her eyes. Her eyelids weighed a megaton each and it took a couple of tries but finally, they followed her command and slid apart. A fuzzy blur filled her vision. She blinked once, twice, groaning inwardly at the effort.

Finally, her eyes cleared and she was rewarded with the sight of familiar blue eyes staring down at her, a maze of emotion written across the face of their owner. And with a single whispered word, uttered with reverence and astonishment that sent a thrilling shiver through her newly revived body, he brought her back.

_Kara. I'm Kara. _

--

Lee stared down at Kara in a state of euphoric shock. She gazed up at him for a long moment before the hand in his stirred and reached for her intubation tube as she shifted and appeared to gag.

"Hey, hey," Lee soothed, catching her hand gently. "Take it easy. That has to stay there, okay?"

Kara's eyes began to tear as she struggled to talk despite of the tube.

"Shhhh," Lee crooned, stroking the hair off her forehead, "There's a tube down your throat to help you breathe. You can't talk yet. You just gotta wait, okay?"

Kara stared up at him and he couldn't help but smile at the familiar glare of frustration in her eyes. Lee marveled at the coolness of her skin and the clarity in her eyes. Not a trace of fever was left in either one and while she was still pale, the frightening grayish tinge had left her face. His heart lifted and he felt as if the only thing keeping him on the ground was the feeling of her skin beneath his hands.

He leaned over her, his own eyes filling as she continued to glare up at him.

"You're back," he whispered. "You're really back this time, aren't you?" he begged, his eyes darting back and forth between hers.

--

Her eyebrows furrowed slightly at his words and a look of confusion flashed through her eyes. _Back from where? Where's here? Wait, I know his name… his name's…. Lee. That's Lee!_

At the recollection of his name her heart leapt and a second wave of warm emotion flooded through her.

_And this is Galactica… the Life Station… I'm a pilot! A viper pilot! A damn good viper pilot… _

_Gods, there must have been an accident… The Cylons… I must have crashed..._

Countless realizations and memories tumbled through her mind in the matter of a split second. After an eternity of nothing, pieces of her identity were finally flooding back to her, cascading through her.

_Zeus and Hera, it must have been bad,_ she thought, slowly becoming fully aware of the multitude of bandages, braces and casts that encased her body.

Lee's anxious face suddenly disappeared from her line of vision as a flurry of sound flooded into the room but he didn't release his firm grip on her hand. She was too weak to lift her head but even if she'd had the strength she wouldn't have tried it; she was pretty sure the uncomfortable tube in her throat would become downright painful if she moved the wrong way.

"Her vitals are strong," she heard a familiar gravely voice exclaim in disbelief. "Lieutenant Thrace?" the voice was calling from her other side.

With more effort than she ever thought turning her head would require, she managed the small movement and stared up at the new face for a moment before she found the right memory to put a name to it… _Doc... Doctor Cottle._

That name brought back another rush of memories. _Cigarettes… X-rays… my knee, pain, crutches… Lee playing around on my crutches…_ She blinked up at the older man and was touched by the care and concern etched deeply in his face. Remembering him brought another similar, but decidedly different, rush of warmth that chased the emptiness back a little further.

"Thrace?" he asked again. "Can you hear me?"

She managed a small nod and, forgetting the tube, tried to answer but only managed to shift its position in her throat, triggering her gag reflex again.

"Okay, okay, just hang on a minute girl," Cottle said as she retched. "Always trying to move too fast," he huffed. He disappeared from her sight but she heard him and at least one other person moving around. Suddenly a faint pain blossomed in her chest followed by a strangely still sensation. She struggled to pull in a breath and the pain faded slightly. She heard muttering voices off to one side of her but couldn't make out what they were saying.

After another moment or two Kara felt what she thought was a bandage being pulled off her cheek and after a few moments Cottle was back in her line of sight.

"Okay, when I count to three, you're going to give me a big cough, okay?" he ordered. She nodded carefully, slowly drawing a deep breath into her lungs and wincing slightly at the flash of pain it caused. "Alright…one… two… _three!_"

She tried to cough and with a nauseating slither, the tube in her throat was pulled out and she was left gagging and gasping for air on her own. Her chest ached as she strained to cough and her slightest movement set off dozens of other bright flares of pain around her body. Someone slipped something over her head and onto her face. Fresh-smelling air cooled her raw throat as the oxygen mask was settled over her mouth and nose. Her coughing slowed and she was able to lay back against the bed once again, utterly exhausted.

A trembling hand swept across her forehead and she managed to open her eyes once again.

--

Lee gazed down at Kara in amazement.

_She's here! She's back! _The voice inside his head crowed but his heart cringed away from it, resisting the seductive pull of hope it sent singing through him. _ What if she's not? What if this is just another tease?_ He countered, the icy licks of fear still flickering through his mind.

He watched her breath, her own breath and not the manufactured pumping of the ventilator, fog up the plastic mask as he fought desperately to keep his thoughts in check. Absently, he swept her hair off her face, worried by the way she'd coughed and then collapsed against the bed.

Her eyes flickered open again, staring up at him with a presence and intensity he couldn't deny. He stared down into those eyes, losing himself in their depth and strength as they reached into him, touching and soothing his deepest hurts and fears.

Lee felt genuine relief flooding through him and his hand shook as he brought Kara's hand to his lips. The doctor checked a couple of the monitors quickly, muttering under his breath before placing a gentle hand on Kara's shoulder.

She looked up at him, her eye dull with fatigue.

"You're doing well, kid. I've put some medication in the oxygen to help control that cough of yours, so you should start breathing a little easier soon. I don't know how it happened but it looks like you've pulled through the worst of it." The doctor looked up and met Lee's questioning look with a brief shrug before looking back down at Kara.

"You're going to feel a little pinch here," he said as he inserted a needle and drew a small sample of blood into a vial. "I need to run some tests to make sure everything is a-okay**,** but all you need to do is get some rest now and get your friend here to call us if you need anything."

Kara managed a slight nod. The doctor gestured for Lee to meet him at the foot of the bed. Lee in turn gave Kara's hand a quick squeeze before releasing it to join the doctor.

Cottle kept his voice low saying, "I have no frakking idea what's happened here, Captain." He shook his head. "Her vitals have started to bounce back, her temperature is almost normal and it looks like she's finally gaining ground on that infection. I'm going to test this sample and see what's going on but if I'm not mistaken, I'd say Thrace has finally turned a corner and started down the road to recovery."

Lee felt as if the doctor's words had lifted an entire raptor off his shoulders. He felt a grin slowly start to spread across his face as he turned to gaze at Kara**, **only to have Doc's stern voice pull him back."I'm not saying she's completely in the clear yet, or that the road is going to be an easy one, Captain." After a momentary pause Cottle softened and clapped the younger man on the shoulder. "But we'll be keeping a close eye on her and my gut is telling me she's come back to us for good this time."

Lee groped for something today and came up with nothing but the hesitant relief dancing in his eyes spoke volumes. "I'll be back to check on her in a little while," the doctor said before giving Lee's shoulder a little shake. "But you holler if anything, and I mean _anything_, seems to be wrong before then." Lee nodded obediently.

The gruff old doctor turned and gazed at the young woman affectionately. "Frakkin' Starbuck," he said with a grin of his own and a shake of his head. Turning, the doctor gave Lee a small shove back towards the head of the bed before heading out the door with the small vial of blood tucked safely in the pocket of his lab coat.

--

Alone once again, Lee found his way back to his post at Kara's side. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked down at her.

She stirred on the pillow, flinching slightly. "Kara?" he asked softly, fear clutching at his heart as he reached for her hand.

"L… Lee?" she rasped. Her eyes fluttered open.

"I'm right here, Kara," he reassured her, leaning closer to make sure she could see him.

Her wandering gaze found his eyes and look of hesitation flashed across her face. "Lee… I…" her eyes drooped as she struggled to speak, obviously agitated.

"Shhh, it's okay," he whispered, cupping her cheek in his palm. "Shhh, just rest now, okay? Everything's okay and everything's going to be okay. Just relax and get some sleep, please Kara?" His attempt to calm her apparently worked, as she nodded resignedly, her eyes slipping closed before she could say another word.

Lee watched her face soften into sleep and let out a deep sigh. Looking up at last, he realized Helo was no longer in the room. _He must have left when I fell asleep earlier, _Lee thought. He had been thankful for Helo's quiet presence during his lengthy vigil but had to admit he was glad to have Kara all to himself now, even if she was sound asleep. Grinning like a fool he edged one hip onto the side of her bed and settled in to enjoy the peace and satisfaction of just watching her sleep.

For a few hours he kept this new vigil alone, watching her closely, talking softly and stroking her hand or face when she mumbled in her sleep or flinched.

Eventually she twitched on the bed again, her face contorting briefly before she jerked awake, her eyes flying open as she struggled to sit up. Startled and acting purely on instinct, Lee caught her shoulders gently and held her, ducking his head to catch her eye, "Easy now, its okay Kara."

Her eyes flashed up to meet his and the tension in her face immediately disappeared. He eased her back down against the bed gently.

"Doc says you're supposed to be resting, and I'm pretty sure hopping out of bed doesn't count as resting," he chided her softly. He kept his voice low and even but inside he was shaking. The look of pure terror that had streaked across her peaceful sleeping face hovered just behind his eyes, clawing at his heart. _A long road. She's got a long way to go but she's going to get there, I'm going to get her there, _he thought, struggling to reassure himself.

--

Kara winced as she leaned back against the bed, her mind racing. _Frak me, that hurts. What the frak happened? And why is Lee being Mr. Nice Guy? Gods, it must have been some frakking crash, for officious stuck-up Apollo to be in here playing nurse-maid. _Kara purposefully steered her thoughts away from the fact that she'd woken in terror with no idea of what in the gods name she had been dreaming about. Realizing she'd remembered Lee's call sign and that he was an officious stuck-up prick lifted her spirits._ Frakkin' stick up his ass CAG_, she thought affectionately.

Catching her breath and gathering her strength, she looked up at pale face hovering over hers. "Hey," she whispered hoarsely as she squeezed the hand that cradled hers so gently.

--

"Hey," he returned gently, his own voice rough with lack of sleep.

"It's good to see you, Captain," she managed a glimmer of a grin.

"It's good to see you too, Lieutenant," his voice shook as he smiled down on her.

Seeing the exhaustion in her face and suddenly feeling his own crashing down on him, he stammered, "I'll…uh…" He found himself feeling strangely awkward now, seeing her familiar eyes watching him without the veil of fever. There was so much he wanted to tell her, so much he had to say, but he knew it would have to wait until they were both rested and she was stronger.

Suddenly he didn't know where they stood. He'd spent so much time grieving for her and then worrying about her, he had no idea what to do now that he had her back. The thought of leaving her side caused him actual physical pain but now that she was really awake, he felt like he was somehow trespassing in far too intimate a manner given the last real interchange they'd had just before that Cylon attack.

"I'll**…**let you get some rest like the doctor ordered," he said awkwardly. He gave her hand a quick squeeze before letting go. He was stopped short by the look of panic flashed briefly across her face.

"You…you're…leaving?" she rasped out.

"Well, yeah," he paused uneasily, "Unless... do you want me to stay?"

--

Now it was her turn to pause, chewing gently on her bottom lip. Finally she exhaled and glared up at him**.** "Nah, I'm fine," she rasped. She swallowed, closing her eyes against the pain in her chest and throat. Determined to keep the waver from her voice, she rallied her strength and struggled put something resembling a grin on her face. She tried again, pulling herself together and managing a bit more force, "You, however, look like shit. Go on get out of here and get some sleep." She tried to manage a wink but felt both her eyes drooping closed in spite of herself.

Seeing her grin and hearing a distinct shade of Starbuck in Kara's tone triggered old habits and had Lee pulling back physically and emotionally. He slid his hand away from hers awkwardly and struggled to keep his face blank even as he felt his heart splinter apart at the thought of leaving her side. He opened his mouth to toss back his own insult when something dark and pleading flickered behind her eyes and stopped him dead.

Suddenly, he heard his brother's drunken voice in his ear, a memory from years ago; from the night Zak had told him he was going to propose to Kara. '_You'd never think it, with all that Starbuck bluster, but she's a sucker for cuddling.' _Lee had snorted, partly because his brother had expected him to and partly to hide the fact that it was killing him that his brother was taking away the only girl he'd ever really cared for.

Lee had actually known that fact about Kara for years. When she was drunk Kara had always become more affectionate. With others she'd often ended up in their rack for the night with the privacy curtain firmly closed but with Lee it had always seemed to have a sisterly, rather than lover-like, quality. Pecks on the cheek, an arm around his waist, a friendly elbow in the ribs; he'd enjoyed the intimate contact but they'd always stopped before it crossed that invisible line between friendship and the something more that Lee had always ached for. At the end of their rowdiest nights, he'd often found himself slouched on the sofa in the cadet's rec room with his arm draped across her slim shoulders and her head nestled comfortably on his chest as they both drifted off.

'_It's true,'_ Zak had nodded emphatically, as if Lee had protested his claim, _'and did you know she can't really sleep when she's alone? That's true too. I don't know why, she just needs someone there with her. That's why she opted for the barracks with the other training officers even when they offered her private quarters closer to the training deck. But she sleeps best with someone in the bed with her. I think,'_ Lee remembered his brother's voice dropping as his eyes darkened_, 'I think it's because of her mom. I think it was pretty rough. Does she ever talk about it with you?'_ Lee had shaken his head and downed the rest of his drink in a single searing slug just as a group of Zak's fellow cadets had burst into the bar and invaded their conversation.

Standing there in the Life Station, looking down at her battered face as she struggled to give him her best 'I don't give a frak' Starbuck look, he smiled and gave her hip a gentle nudge.

"What?" she looked up at him in confusion.

"I'm sure as frak not just going to stand here and watch you sleep," he gestured for to move over.

A genuine smile slid across her face before she could stop it. He helped her gingerly ease herself slightly towards one side of the bed before she rolled onto her side as much as she could with her leg wrapped in the large brace. After quickly toeing off his boots, Lee climbed onto the bed and carefully curled up behind her. Sliding one arm under her head, he placed a gentle hand on the exposed skin just above the bandage on her arm. She flinched slightly under his touch and he froze, a flash of guilt and fear twisting in his gut. His instincts screamed at him to wrap his arms around her and soothe and stroke until they both felt better but the memory of the fear in her face, the twisted agony that had wracked her body when she'd mistaken him from Zarek in her fever-fueled delirium, held him in check.

_I can't do that to her. This was a terrible idea, what the frak am I doing?_ He thought, furious with himself for having put her in this position. _After all she's been through, I presume to crawl into her bed and paw at her just to make myself feel better? _Lee felt his mind swirling down a dark path and struggled to reign himself in. Looking down at Kara's face he braced himself for the look of fear or apprehension he was sure it would hold.

Kara, however, didn't seem to notice her own reaction to his touch. Her eyes were closed and she looked so peaceful and calm, Lee felt tears of joy and gratitude rising in his throat even as he struggled with whether or not he should stay. As if in answer to Lee's internal dilemma, Kara sighed softly and burrowed herself deeper into his arms. Hesitantly, he placed his hand on her arm again, higher up this time, further away from the bandage. Again, he felt the faint twitch but when he didn't pull back, her arm relaxed. He tried an experimental stroke up and down her arm. Kara sighed contentedly.

_Easy now Apollo,_ he told himself, trying to force the knot in his stomach to untie itself. _You're not going to hurt her. She's been through hell but she wants you here, just give her a chance to get used to things again._

He stroked her arm soothingly and felt her relax against him. "Better?" he murmured into her hair.

"Mmm hmm."

He breathed in the familiar scent of her.

_Kara_.

Here, alive and on the mend.

_Kara._

Here, in his arms.

_Kara._

Here. At last.

He pressed a silent kiss to the top of her head and continued stroking her arm until he heard a familiar sigh and felt her soften slightly as she fell asleep. Satisfied that his work was done for now, he gently draped his free arm around her and let himself follow her into a deep and heavy sleep.

--

Wanting to check on his patient's progress, Doc Cottle slipped into the room an hour later. Seeing the two young pilots curled on the bed together he sighed. He knew he should wake Lee and give him hell for taking the chance of opening a wound or pulling out her stitches but the peaceful expressions on both their faces stopped him.

_It can't do any real harm, _he told himself with a soft chuckle. Moving quietly to check the machine still monitoring Kara's O2 levels, the doctor frowned. The infection may have lost its grip on her but she was still a very sick girl.

Turning back to the bed the frown eased into a smile when he saw Lee's arm wrapped protectively around the young woman. The aftermath of all of this was not going to be easy and, gods knew, Kara Thrace had not had an easy life before it. But he knew Lee Adama and he knew that she couldn't ask for a better man to see her through it.

* * *

_A/N: So? Any comments, concerns or questions? Rants, ramblings or recriminations? _


	17. Chapter 17

_A/N: Wow, that was quick, huh? I just finished that one, posted it and then whipped this one off too ;) I don't know why I cut these apart into separate chapters but somehow it made sense to me so I did it._

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

**Chapter 17**

Pulled instantly from a deep and thankfully dreamless sleep by a slight sound several hours later, Lee looked down, expecting to see Kara coughing in her sleep again. This time, however, he was surprised to see her eyelids fluttering as she dreamt. She moaned again, softly, tossing her head.

"Shhhhhh," Lee whispered, gathering her in tighter to his chest. Rather than calming her back to sleep, his movement seemed to startle Kara. She sprang awake and tried to pull away from his embrace.

Worried she'd hurt herself, Lee instinctually kept his hold on her while speaking softly in her ear. "It's okay, Kara, it's just me. It's just Lee. You're home. Shhhh, it's okay."

A strangled gasp wrenched from her throat and she struggled against his arms until finally his voice sank in and Lee felt her collapse against him, shaking uncontrollably. "Lee, I…" she gasped.

"Shhhh, it's okay. It's just a bad dream. You're home, its okay." He pressed a firm kiss to the top of her head as he tightened his arms around her protectively. They lay there for several minutes with Lee rocking Kara gently as she shook in his tight embrace, struggling to regain control of herself.

--

_Frak me, what the frak?_ Kara thought. _What was I dreaming about?_ No stranger to nightmares, Kara fished desperately through her mind for a glimpse of what had left her shaking with terror.

_Why the frak can't I remember?!? I always remember. Always, _she thought darkly. _Always? Where the frak did that come from?_ She wondered momentarily before another rush of memories flooded back.

She had always cursed the fact that she woke with a picture perfect memory of whatever she'd dreamt the night before. Dreams about her mother had always left her shaken and edgy… _Mama…_ a shudder of fear ran through her as Kara automatically shied away from the thought of her motherbefore she had to face any real memories of her. Moving on, her mind flicked to her memories of life at the Academy. Dreams about her crew-mates had left her energized and eternally thankful that as a woman no one noticed when a flashback would send a streak of arousal straight to her groin. This time, though, there was nothing. Just a blank spot in her mind that terrified her more than anything ever had and she unconsciously clutched at Lee's arms, trying desperately to pull herself away from that gaping emptiness.

Once she regained some semblance of control and the shaking stopped, Kara gingerly turned to face Lee.

Her breathing was still ragged and the wet sound in her chest reminded him that while she was doing better, she was far from well.

"You okay?" he asked quietly, cupping her cheek in his hand.

She nodded and managed a weak smile before she started coughing. Lee waited but the coughing didn't stop. She began gasping between each cough, unable to catch her breath. He could see panic building in her eyes.

"Doc!" he shouted as he sprang from the bed and tried to help Kara sit up as she choked and gagged. "Doc!"

The doctor immediately reappeared, Ishay at his heels. He was beside Kara in a flash, slipping the oxygen mask back over her face. Ishay quickly added another cartridge of medication to the oxygen line while Cottle encouraged Kara to breathe as deeply as she could, trying to get as much medication into her compromised lungs as possible. He gestured to Lee to hold the mask as he adjusted the knobs on the O2 tank and anxiously watched the dials mounted on top of the stand.

Eventually, the coughing subsided and Kara was able to sip a little water to cool her raw throat. She lay back against her pillow, her face almost grey against the pale blue of the Life Station linens.

Lee stood over her with his hand on her shoulder. He smiled at her reassuringly but his thumb traced nervous circles over her skin. She looked up into his face and saw a hint of fear in his blue eyes. She tried to smile under the mask but her chest hurt like a bitch.

_Frak, everything hurts like a bitch._ Each cough hurt. They pulled at her stitches, sent fiery needles through her chest and made her head throb.

"Doc," she rasped, "I don't mean to complain but can't you up my morpha or something?" she gasped as the pain in her chest flared again. "The coughing's bad enough on its own, but it makes everything else frakking hurt too."

"We can't up your morpha**,**" the doctor said quietly.

"What? Why the frak not?" she rasped as she looked at the doctor, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion at the seriousness of his tone.

"Well, it's complicated." He cleared his throat**.** "I guess it's time we talked about how you're doing." He sat carefully on the edge of her bed and spoke in his matter-of-fact doctor's tone as he briefly outlined her major injuries and described her fight against the infection, carefully avoiding any graphic description or discussion of the cause of her current condition.

--

Listening and for the first time really taking in the entirety of Kara's injuries, Lee slipped his hand down to hers and squeezed it gently.

After giving what Lee thought sounded like an endless list, the doctor looked at her sadly and said with a softened tone, "You've turned a corner and you're starting to heal but it's going to be a long road, Kara. We'll need to operate on your hand and that knee again. At least once each, probably more than once, and we'll probably have to operate on the burns too but we'll wait until you've got some strength back before we worry about that. First and foremost, we need to get your lungs back into working order and we need you to get plenty of rest and some good solid nutrition to replenish your strength."

--

Kara nodded, listening to the doctor rhyme off what had happened to her with a measure of detachment. She knew she was frakked up; she didn't need to know every little detail.

"Now, about the morpha. We have to be careful about overloading your system with meds. The infection has taken its toll on your liver and kidneys and we can't afford to risk overtaxing it even more with heavy doses of non-essential medications."

"Non-essential? You call morpha non-essential after that list of injuries you just read off?" Kara managed a low growl.

Cottle smiled apologetically, "I know it hurts, and I'm sorry, but we're doing what's best for you. Morpha can suppress the functioning of your heart and lungs at high dosages and until we know your liver can process the medication, we can't take the risk of having it build up. Your cardio-pulmonary system has been seriously compromised and we simply cannot afford to take any chances with it. We've given you some other medications that should help with the pain a little and will help keep you stable but we have to be very careful about adjusting any of the dosages."

Kara gritted her teeth and cursed silently but what the doctor was saying made sense. It sucked worse than pulling double maintenance duty after the nuggets practiced G-Force training and emptied their guts all over their cockpits but she could deal with pain.

Uncomfortable with the looks of concerned pity she saw on the faces of the two men leaning over her, Kara tried to lighten the mood, "So, I guess I must have seriously spooched that landing with the blackbird, eh Apollo?" she asked, smirking up at Lee.

Lee blinked in confusion**.** "Huh?"

"I'll bet the chief is royally pissed that I totaled his baby. Please tell me I didn't do any serious damage to his deck at the same time?"

"Kara, what are you talking about?" Lee asked, not noticing the look of worry that Cottle shot him.

"Don't tell me I missed one of those toasters and they did this? I know I took them all out. Wait, if one of those frakking nuggets let one of their marks get past them and take me out, so help me gods I'm gonna kick all their asses!" She looked expectantly from Lee to Cottle, waiting for one of them to tell her what happened.

"Oh come on guys, it can't have been that bad," her wide grin fading slightly as neither one of them spoke. Another bout of coughing distracted her momentarily but once she regained her breath she spoke again, "I mean, I'm still here, right? What's going on? What happened?"

"Lieutenant Thrace," Cottle asked carefully, "what is the last thing you remember before waking up here in the Life Station?"

Kara thought for a moment, her eyes staring off into the corner above Lee's head, her lower lip tucked between her teeth. The heavy weight of fatigue was starting to drag at her but she pushed it back, an inexplicable feeling of apprehension setting her nerves on edge. "Uhm, well, I remember the Cylon attack and I remember the Commander asking me to see what the blackbird could do… I remember the mighty Apollo here whining like a little bitch when I let the mean old toasters get too close to him."

She looked up at Lee and forced a grin but was noticeably disconcerted when he didn't return it or retaliate with a quip of his own. "Uh…" seriously worried now, her eyebrows knitted together as she struggled to remember more despite the pounding in her head and the ache in her chest. "I remember taking out those toasters and that I disabled the last one but that's it." She shook her headand smothered a cough. "That's all I got, Doc. But you said I had a concussion, right? I mean some memory loss of the actual injury is normal with that, right?" Her eyes darted from Cottle to Lee and back again. "What? What aren't you telling me?" When the doctor didn't speak right away, she looked back at Lee desperately, "Lee?" she asked, her voice close to breaking as her energy slipped away.

"Well-" Lee began but was cut off by Cottle.

"It's not a big deal, Thrace. You're right, concussions and illnesses like yours can interfere with your memory. At this point, it's probably better for you to just relax and let the memories come back on their own." He gave her a reassuring smile and patted her gently on the arm. "I've gotta speak to the Captain outside for a moment, is there anything you need?"

At the mention of Lee leaving her side, Kara felt a hitch in her chest. If she hadn't known better, she would have said she was afraid to be alone in the room. Forcing a grin to cover how she really felt, Kara nodded and managed to whisper, "I'm not going anywhere."

Lee saw something behind her eyes as she waved them away but, confused by everything that had just happened, he let it be. He touched her shoulder lightly and couldn't help but feel hurt when she flinched slightly under his hand. Snatching his hand back, he berated himself silently. _Come on Apollo! Give her some frakking space and keep your frakking hands to yourself man!_

"I'll be back in a minute, okay?" he said in a low voice, meeting her eyes with his own sincere gaze.

Kara nodded and hoped he couldn't see how thankful she was that he wasn't going far. She on less than bingo fuel and while part of her mind was confused and scared about what was going on, she was far too tired to give it any serious thought just now.

Lee offered her a reassuring smile of his own before he followed Cottle out of the room.

Once he was sure the door to Kara's room was shut completely and that they'd moved a little way down the hall for good measure, Cottle turned to Lee and sighed when he caught sight of the confusion that was written across the Captain's face.

"Okay, okay," the doctor raised his hands in surrender before Lee could speak. "I know, I know. You think I should have told her the truth, but this is really what's in her best interests right now."

"What do you mean? We're not going to tell what really happened? We're just going to pretend she really did spooch the landing? We're just going to lie to her?" Lee couldn't believe what the doctor had said to Kara. He certainly couldn't say he and Kara had a totally open and honest relationship but they didn't lie to each other; especially not about something like this.

"Well, no, I'm not saying we should outright lie to her," Cottle said slowly as he wrestled a cigarette out of the mangled pack he'd take from his pocket.

"That's what it sounds like to me. Come on, Doc, you know Kara. She's a tough girl, she can take the truth."

"I know that the Kara you _knew_ could handle the truth," Cottle said quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, the woman in that room," Cottle point at the door to Kara's room with the cigarette he had yet to light. "That woman in there, for one reason or another, has decided on some level that she isn't ready to remember what happened to her. The old Kara could take a licking and come back for more. But that young woman?" he pointed again, frowning. "She's been through a heck of a lot more than the old Kara ever had to deal with."

"So we're just going to lie to her?" Lee asked in disbelief.

"Well, no. We need to maintain her trust in us so, like I said. I don't think we should actively lie to her. But until she's ready to hear it, we need to do our best to stick to what she remembers."

"I don't get it. This isn't like you, Doc. You don't sugar coat things, ever. And now just because Kara doesn't want to think about what happened, you're suggesting I _lie_ to her?"

"You're right, Captain," the doctor snapped. "You _don't_ get it. This has nothing to do with what Kara wants, and _everything_ to do with what she needs. My gods, didn't they give you any training on dealing with trauma at that War College your dad is so proud you attended? Think about it for a minute before you go shooting your mouth off again." He paused to light his cigarette at last, drawing a deep lungful of smoke before he continued. "Think about what Thrace has been through and think about what she still has to face. Did you stop to think for even a minute that maybe, just maybe, it's too much for her? That part of her knows she can't handle it all at once?"

"But you said we need to maintain her trust. How can she trust us if we keep the truth from her? What happens when she does remember?"

Cottle sighed heavily. "I've already placed a call to Dr. Stoffa on the _Thera Sita_, so we'll wait and see what she has to say about all this but until then, I don't want you telling her _anything_ she doesn't remember on her own," he ordered sharply, pinning Lee with a fierce glare.

Recognizing the name of the fleet's only psychologist, Lee finally gave in. "Okay. I don't like it but I'll go along with it, if Stoffa says it really is what's best for Kara."

"None of this is going to be easy on anyone but let's just give her some time to let her body heal before we start worrying about everything else, okay?"

"Sure," Lee shrugged in surrender and turned to go back to Kara's room. His shoulders drooped as he realized the immensity of what Kara was going to have to go through before she would be even close to whole again.

"Captain?" Cottle's voice stopped him part way down the hall. "You're doing a good job with her," the doctor said gruffly but he vanished around the corner, leaving nothing behind but a hanging cloud of smoke, before Lee could turn around to thank him.

* * *

_Yeah, Kara's still in rough shape and it's going to take a while to get her through this but don't despair, I won't give up on her if you don't give up on me! Let me know what you think about the whole amnesia thing. Did I throw in enough Kara/Lee stuff to satisfy those of you who have been waiting for it this whole time?_


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: Annnnd... we're back! More Kara and Lee angst here written just for you, my devoted reader! As always, I appreciate you taking the time to stop and read my little story :) Yay! You're the best!_

_Notes: I don't own any toys as fun as Kara and Lee so I like to borrow them for playtime every now and again. Hope no one minds?... Nope? Cool, thanks!_

* * *

**Chapter 18**

"_Starbuck!" Lee's shout echoed across the busy flight deck as he strode angrily towards her newly docked viper. "Lieutenant Thrace! Just what the frak was that?" he yelled, bounding up the access ladder to glare at his lead pilot. _

"_What was what?" she asked innocently batting her eyes up at him._

"_You know what I'm talking about, Lieutenant!" he snapped._

"_I have a feeling you're going to tell me anyway so why don't we just skip to the part where you tell me what a frak-up I am and what my punishment is going to be this time, okay?" she retorted, leveraging herself out of her cockpit and pushing past him to drop to the deck._

"_Last I checked, the fleet protocol for CAP lead did not include death-wish aeronautic acrobatics." Lee followed her down the ladder and stood over Kara as she whipped through the post-flight checklist a deckhand passed her._

"_Well, Captain, when it comes to protocol you should know," she breathed sarcastically without looking up before she handed the clipboard back to the crewman and started off across the flightdeck._

"_Starbuck!" Lee shouted at her back, hurrying to catch up to her quick strides when she didn't respond. "Lieutenant Thrace, did I or did I not order you to cease and desist with any and all unnecessary maneuvers while flying in the CAP?"_

"_Yup. You did." She started up the ladder leading to the balcony that ringed the deck._

"_And what would you call that frakking stunt you just pulled?" he asked as he followed her up._

"_Necessary," she snapped without turning her head. Kara paused as she stepped off the ladder and Lee was following so close behind that he almost bumped into her._

"_And just how, exactly," he snarled in her ear, "was almost killing yourself and two nuggets, not to mention nearly destroying three of my vipers, 'necessary' Lieutenant?"_

"_Someone has to give you something to bitch about in shift briefings, Sir," she flashed him a glare over her shoulder, looking down to obviously note the lack of distance between them before making up her mind and turning to her right._

"_Oh, I see. So your stunts out there today were for my benefit? Is that it??" he snapped. His eyes flashed as he increased his pace until he was stalking right behind her once again._

"_No Sir! The squad's. You're going to bitch us out about something anyway, might as well be my flying." Her eyes stayed fixed straight ahead as she strode quickly down the corridor._

"_Cut the frakking crap, Starbuck. You're playing around with moves that could get you killed for gods' sake! The fleet can hardly afford to lose any pilots or birds to needless accidents, least of all our lead pilot and flight instructor!" He made a grab for her shoulder._

_She snorted and jerked herself free, picking up her pace. She didn't get more than five feet before he caught her arm in a fierce grip and swung her around to face him._

"_We're not done talking about this!"_

"_Oh yes we are!" she snatched her arm out of his grasp and turned away again._

"_Oh no, we are not!" He darted in front of her, planting himself firmly and bracing for blow that she somehow managed to restrain herself from throwing. "You're heading for some serious trouble, Lieutenant, if you don't eighty-six this reckless behaviour!"_

"_Oh, am I? And just what kind of trouble, exactly? What are you going to do, Apollo? Lock me up in hack? Go ahead, Lee, toss me in the brig and throw away the FRAKKING key for all I care!" she shouted in his face before pushing past him and storming away._

"_Oh yeah? Keep walking Kara and maybe I'll do just that! Save myself the trouble of having to come down here and yell at you after every FRAKING CAP!" he yelled back as he followed her through a hatch. _

"_Fine! Why don't you do it already and save ME the trouble of having to LISTEN to your whiney ass after every FRAKKINGCAP!"_

_Crewmembers and pilots alike ducked out of their way as the pair stormed down the hall cursing and gesturing wildly._

"_Maybe I should just take a page from your book and kick your ass! Would that get your attention Starbuck?"_

"_Ha! That would actually require you to grow a pair, Apollo!" She spun around and stalked backward, yelling at him furiously, "You know what? I dare you, Lee. Come on, Apollo, give it your best shot!" she cried, pointing at her chin._

"_Why can't you just behave yourself for one godsdamned shift! Why do you have to make everything so frakking difficult!" He shouted back, tossing his hands in frustration but somehow managing to resist the overwhelming urge to plant a right hook directly on the chin that she jutted out towards him. "From day one on this frakking bucket you've been nothing but a pain in my ass, Starbuck!"_

_At that she whirled back around, picking up her pace and slamming her way into the senior officers' duty locker._

"_Frak you, you mother frakking pain MY FRAKKING ASS!" she screamed, prompting the handful of pilots lounging in their bunks to make themselves scarce as quickly as humanly possible._

_Kara grabbed clean clothes from the bottom of her locker before turning back toward the main hatch. Lee blocked her path determinedly._

"_Let me past!" she growled._

"_No," he snapped, his eyes blazing. "No more running around picking fights, no more snarky comments in the rec room, no more jokes during my briefings and definitely no more stupid stunts in the air. You're going to stand here and you're going to tell me what's going on, Kara!"_

"_What do you care!" she shoved at his chest, trying to push past him._

_He stood his ground, planting his hands on the bunk and table on either side of him, blocking her in. She backed off before making a dart for the other side of the table. Vaulting over the tabletop, Lee caught her just as she streaked past him. He pulled her into the empty space at the back of the room and put himself between her and the hatch which one of their fellow pilots had had the courtesy to be sure was shut tight behind the mass exodus._

"_Come on, Kara! You can't keep doing this! Talk to me!"_

"_So one minute you're ordering me around and threatening to kick my ass and the next you wanna talk, Apollo? You wanna be friends now? Is that it??" her face was flushed, her eyes snapped furiously, "Or are you still gonna punch me in the face and toss me in hack? Make up your FRAKKING mind LEE!" she cried. _

"_Make up my mind?? MY mind?" Lee pounded his chest. "What about you?" he stepped in and gave Kara a shove. "One minute you're all laughs and jokes in the rec room, the next you've got a frakking death wish! One minute you tell me you want me to step up and be the CAG, the next you're disobeying my direct orders!"_

"_So?" she flung her clothes to the deck and shoved him back. He stood his ground. "You think I'm going to play nice with you just because-"she growled and shoved him harder, he stumbled back a half step. "Just because we USED to be friends?" Shove. "Just because you're the old man's son?" Shove. "You want me to give you 'special treatment', Apollo?" Shove._

_He ground his teeth together. Throwing in that jibe about his dad and special treatment was especially low and she knew it. _

_He was a single breath away from shutting her up with the shot to the jaw she'd been begging for when something flickering in her eyes gave him pause. He caught her hands roughly in his as she moved in for another shove and slammed her back against the lockers behind her. She thrashed and struggled, growling in frustration. After narrowly dodging a strategic knee jerk, Lee stepped in to pin her entire body against the wall with the weight of his own._

"_Why?" he cried, pinning her hands to the wall on either side of her head, his face inches from hers. "Why are you pulling these frakking stunts? Why are you picking fights with me? What do you want from me Kara? What??? Tell me what it is you frakking want from ME!!"_

_She went still under his hands, her chest heaving, her face flushed. Her eyes bored into him as she gazed up hesitantly from under her lashes. She paused for a moment, biting her lip nervously as she stared at him and then, in a heartbeat, the resistance drained from her body as she softened beneath him. She leaned in and closed the short distance between them. _

"_I want you," she whispered in his ear, her voice a throaty mixture of smooth honey and nervous energy, her breath hot and moist against his skin. He froze, trying desperately to quell the rush of rich desire that flooded though him. He almost succeeded. And then her teeth closed on his earlobe, the sharp spike of pain quickly soothed by a conciliatory stroke of her warm tongue._

_A groan slipped from his throat before he could stop it as his body surged against hers relishing the softness and heat pressed between him and lockers. Catching himself, he pulled back, searching her face for a sign that she was teasing him. She stared back, her expression inscrutable. He waited a beat, loosening his grip on her hands to see what she would do. His body screamed for her, every nerve in his body ablaze, as his rage poured from fury into pure and unadulterated need. Unable to think of anything else, unable to hear the faint pulse of warning at the back of his mind, he did the only thing he could do. He grabbed her face between her hands and crushed his mouth down against hers._

_Even though the haze of desire he braced himself, expecting her to pull back and deck him any second. She didn't. Her mouth met his heat for heat, want for want, power for power. Suddenly her hands were fisted in his hair as she angled his head to give herself better access to his lips. His hands had slipped around her, grabbing the back of her flightsuit and pulling her body closer even as he pressed against her with everything he had, desperate for more._

_The softness of her lips, despite the fury of her passion, surprised him. Her tongue slipped out and teased between his lips, inciting another groan. His hands drove lower, grabbing at her backside, pulling her to him in a fierce tug. Her hands dropped to his sides, her fingers deftly slipping under the hem of his uniform, inching it up as the feeling of her skin on his sent a shudder of fire straight to his groin._

_For a long moment, there was nothing but them; nothing but heat and need and contact. Thrace and Adama, Starbuck and Apollo, even Kara and Lee, vanished in that moment as they drove at each other, warring mouths and hands claiming, branding and taking all that they craved._

_Finally, the voice screaming in Lee's head made itself heard and he managed somehow to try to pull back. The moan of complaint that slid from her throat into his mouth sent the last of his blood flooding from his brain. Gasping, he reached up and held her head, pulling her back just enough to break their kiss._

_He blinked down at her, struggling to remember what it was he was supposed to be doing right now, what it was that had made him think stopping her from kissing him senseless was the right thing to do. The mixture of emotion written across her face was more complex than his spinning mind could hope to decipher at this point. He forced a slow breath. She rolled her hips against his, his favourite Starbuck go-on-I-frakking-dare-you, smirk teased at the corner of her mouth._

"_Kara," he groaned, his voice rough with need. Her hips rolled against him again. Snarling, his ducked his head and planted his hungry mouth on the soft skin of her neck, rolling back against her as he nipped and sucked. This time she gasped and a noise that almost sounded like his name pushed him very close to the edge. Taking a shuddering breath and pulling some sense of control out of the fact that he could drive her as wild as he felt, Lee pulled back again, gripping her hair on either side of her head, holding her firmly in place._

"_Kara," he tried again, "This…" he didn't know what to say. Of course it was wrong. Of course it was stupid. But they both knew that. He didn't care. He didn't give one frakking godsdamn. It felt good. It felt better than anything he could remember. It felt better than he ever thought it could. But this was Kara. And what Kara gave could easily be taken back. He'd learned that the hard way, over and over again, in the long years of their strange friendship. He stared down at her face cupped between his hands. Her tongue darted out and licked at her bottom lip nervously. His small store of control and clarity all but vanished. _

"_Kara," he ground out. "This…" his voice strengthened, "…if we're going to do this, we're going to do this. Do you hear me?" he shook her slightly. "Right now… right now is the time to back off. Because if we start something, if we start this… that'll be it. No more running, no more fighting…" He dropped his forehead to hers and stared into her eyes that had suddenly gone deadly serious. "If we do this, we do this. No half-ways, no take-backs, no do-overs," he hissed, the taste of her on his tongue, the scent of her in his nose, the feel of her pressed against him, the need for her screaming through his veins._

_She stared up at him unblinking. And then, with a surge, she broke free from his hands, slamming against him. Her mouth claimed his, streaking across his face and down his neck as her hands forced their way under his uniform to sear across his back. His control snapped and his hands, freed to their own will, grabbed for her just as hungrily. Needing more, he slammed her back against the locker, yanking down the zipper on her flightsuit and his hands darted inside to revel in the expanse of hot flesh to be found beneath her double tanks._

Lee jerked awake, expecting to be in his bunk and already dreading the image of Kara's empty rack across from his own. As the haze of sleep cleared, he realized he was sitting in a chair and, looking up, he found those familiar green eyes smirking at him. His heart leapt in her chest as he sat up and turned to face her.

"Some dream, huh, Apollo?" Kara's voice was rough and low, bringing the dream flooding back and centering his attention on the fact that his body had not forgotten it. He felt the blush rising in his cheeks but he couldn't stop himself from flashing a quick look at her, wanting to relive the memory of her face between his hands, the glide of her lips on his, the heat of her hands on him. He looked up expecting to see those full lips, those intense eyes, that perfect face. But instead, all he saw were bruises, cuts and damage. His arousal instantly dissolved, putrefied, into self-disgust. _Gods, Lee,_ he admonished himself viciously, _after what happened to her, after what you saw happening to her, that's where you mind goes?_

***

Kara had laid in her bed watching Lee sleep for the past few minutes, enjoying the peace and quiet and the chance to sit and stare at him without fear of being caught. She'd watched his breathing get heavier and deeper as he got more and more restless until he'd snapped awake. Realizing it was the good kind of restless dream, and judging from the hungry look that flashed across his face when he met her gaze, she was almost certain she knew exactly what he'd been dreaming about and grinned in response. His face instantly soured and a look of pained repulsion flickered in his eyes before he blinked and the moment was gone.

Kara felt the familiar sting of rejection as a cold and distant Lee rose and came to her side. He slipped his hand over hers as if it were a matter of habit and smiled at her gently but she could see the tension pinching at his eyes.

"How are you feeling?" he asked softly.

Kara was caught off guard by his gentle tone and the casual way he brushed a stray strand of hair off her forehead.

"Uhm, okay, I guess," she rasped, the deeper and scratchy voice feeling strange and foreign in her raw throat. Embarrassed by the frank concern that shone through his stony façade, Kara stared down at the pale blue blanket that covered her.

Luckily, Doc Cottle poked his head around the door before she had to spend any more time squirming under Lee's gaze.

"Finally up, I see," he grumbled good-naturedly, making his way to Kara's beside and checking the various monitors that were still clustered around her head. Satisfied with their readouts, he pulled the stethoscope from around his neck and slipped it under Kara's hospital robe. "Breathe," he ordered. He pursed his lips as he listened to first one side of her chest and then the other.

"Deeper."

Kara tried to force more air into her chest but the dull ache she'd be trying to ignore quickly turned into a sharp pain followed by a sandpaper cough that left her gagging. Lee handed her a cup and she sipped the cool water tentatively. It helped her throat a little but her chest still burned like an over-fired thruster.

"I hate to ask but can you sit up for me, Kiddo?" Cottle asked gently.

Kara nodded but hissed in a breath as her attempt to move sent a fresh streak of white-hot pain through her chest and abdomen. Lee immediately slipped his arm across her chest and under her opposite armpit, pulling her gently forward and letting her lean her weight on his shoulder. She couldn't help sagging against him appreciatively as she struggled to catch her breath.

Cottle had her take a few breaths while he listened to her lungs through her back before he nodded at Lee. Easing Kara back down as gently as he could, Lee caught her eye and recognized a familiar look of discomfort. He smiled to himself, _same old Starbuck, pissed off to be stuck here needing anyone's help with anything._

"Okay there Lieutenant?" he asked, with an intentional smirk. "Need me to fluff your pillows or anything, Starbuck?"

Her look of relief was covered quickly by a weak attempt to swat at him with her cast, "Frak you, Apollo."

Lee gasped in mock disbelief, "Frak me? Here I am trying to be nice and helpful while you're all sick and incapacitated and that's the thanks I get?"

He cursed under his breath when a not-so-weak knock of the cast landed on the side of his head.

"I'll show you incapacitated, Flyboy."

He rubbed his head with an exaggerated pained expression and pretended to pout down at her. She grinned at him then and the hint of sparkle in her eyes sent a beam of pure joy to his heart.

Cottle cleared his throat obviously, "If you two are done horsing around, I have serious medical stuff to talk about here."

"Sorry, Sir."

"Yessir."

They spoke in unison, grinning back at each other before turning their attention to the doctor.

"Well, it certainly looks like you're feeling much better, young lady. And I should hope you would after sleeping for almost fourteen hours."

Kara shot a look at Lee. _Fourteen hours? Was Lee here that whole time?_ She had vague memories of waking a few times throughout the 'night' and Lee had been with her each time, beside her in the bed or dozing in the chair next to it. _What the frak is he doing here? Doesn't he have anything better to be doing?_ Kara knew Lee was probably swamped with work, as always, and the fact that he'd stayed by her side made her more than a little uncomfortable; mostly because it also made her incredibly, inexplicably, happy.

Despite the warm glow Lee's presence brought her, a niggle of cold fear twisted at the back of Kara's mind. Stubbornly ignoring it, Kara dragged her attention back to Cottle, and managed to tune back into what the doctor was saying,

"… and that blood test confirms it, the infection appears to have been completely wiped out." Cottle scratched a hand through the day old whiskers on his chin absently as he shook his head slowly, "I can't explain it but whatever it was, it worked." He gazed down at Kara and if she hadn't known better, she'd have sworn he was about to tear up looking at her. The doctor coughed sharply, reaching automatically for the cigarettes in his pocket before he remembered where he was and which patient he was with. Patting the pocket reassuringly, he looked back at Kara, his usual gruff demeanor securely back in place. "So, at this point, young lady, we're looking at your long term rehabilitation and recovery. And this time, I don't want any grumbling or whining. What I say goes and I mean it," he glared at her.

"Yessir," she grinned, snapping off a salute. "You say jump and I'll say-" her retort was cut off with a choked gasp as her chest constricted and a fierce cough rattled its way up her throat.

Cottle slid the now familiar oxygen mask over her mouth and nose and gestured for Lee to hold it in place while he turned to release medication into the flow of gas. Kara struggled to breathe in the cool air that smelled faintly of medicinal alcohol. Without thinking, she placed her good hand over Lee's, holding onto him and the mask as she gagged and coughed. Finally, she felt her chest begin to loosen and she leaned back and closed her eyes. The pain in her chest burned incessantly and she felt more than a little dizzy but the relief from the spasms and tearing coughs felt like a divine blessing.

Sucking back enough oxygen from the mask to clear her head, she eventually became aware of the fact that she was still holding onto Lee's hand somewhat desperately. Her eyes flashed open and streaked up to his face before she could stop them. He was watching her, his eyes soft and warm with concern.

_Lee_.

She felt a constriction in her chest that had nothing to do with illness, injury or infection. He gave her a small reassuring smile. _Maybe I didn't completely frak things up that night,_ she thought with a faint glimmer of hope. He reached up slowly and stroked a callused thumb over her cheek. She tried to smile up at him from beneath the mask.

Then his eyes darkened and his touch faltered momentarily before his hand dropped away from her cheek altogether. Something she didn't understand stirred in his face before he forced another smile and slipped his other hand from under hers on the mask. The plastic of the mask felt cold and hard under her empty hand.

"Feeling better now, Thrace?" Cottle's voice called her attention away from Lee.

She nodded, not trusting herself to be able to speak without starting off another round of coughing.

"Well, I don't think I need to tell you that while the infection is gone, your lungs are still severely compromised."

Kara felt as if the worlds had fallen out from under her. _My lungs. Compromised. _The voice of her "Intro to in-flight physiology" instructor rang in her head, _'…the G forces applied to a pilot's respiratory system are the same as if you were trying to breathe with pile of bricks on your chest…" _She didn't remember reaching for it but suddenly she was gripping Lee's hand once again. He squeezed back in response.

Cottle wasn't blind to the total panic that his words had obviously sent both pilots spiraling into. He sighed and held up his hands to hold back the onslaught of questions he was sure was about to be bombarded with, "Now, wait a minute. I'm not saying it's irreparable. At this point, yes, your lungs are in bad shape. You have a lot of scar tissue in there and your tidal volume is a lot lower than I'd like but the injuries to your ribs and intercostal soft tissue are playing a part in all that." Looking from one to the other, he realized his words weren't meaning anything to either of the pilots.

Kara tried to listen to the doctor but the voices in her head kept drowning him out. '_Decreased respiratory function means a grounded pilot'_, the nurse at the academy admonished her after seeing a checkmark beside 'smoker' on her medical history. _'Gotta keep the old bellows in shape in case I ever want to get back in that cockpit'_ the old man huffed at her as she reigned in her normal pace to join the Commander on a morning run shortly after her transfer to Galactica. _'Wasn't fit for pilot candidacy after all the vapors and gas I breathed in on Medra,'_ her mother slurred bitterly. _Frak! After all those years of running, swimming and being careful about the cigars… now a stupid little infection is going to ground me permanantly?_

"Listen to me, Thrace," the doctor's firm voice finally cut through her thoughts. He glared down at her determinedly. "We don't know anything yet. We won't know anything until the other injuries heal, you get your strength back and we're able to start some therapy. So let's not panic, okay? _No one_ is going to panic until I say there's something to panic about," he ordered, looking from Kara to Lee intently. "Okay, Captain?" he said pointedly.

"Okay," Lee agreed, nodding and trying to give Kara a reassuring look.

Kara shrugged and shifted in the bed, sending a sharp flare of pain from her knee up to her hip. Groaning over the familiar twinge, another flash of panic flickered through her mind. _Frak._

Hissing, she turned back to the doctor, "What about everything else, Doc?"

Cottle nodded gravely, "Well, you're knee is pretty much right back where we started last time. Only this time round we're also dealing with scar tissue, depleted muscle mass and extended inactivity. It's going to need extensive surgery and therapy before I can say anything definite. Your hand, while broken in several places, seems to have set rather nicely. So long as you refrain from reinjuring it by, I don't know, say beating someone over the head with your cast," the older man's eyes twinkled at her, "it should be as good as new in about six weeks or so."

Kara nodded. _Knee: frakked up, painful, but potentially fixable? Check. Been there, done that. Hand: in cast and healing? Double check. Been there times two. _Kara wanted to feel relieved, wanted to smile up at the doctor and promise to make his life living hell while he tortured in what he called "physiotherapy" but she couldn't. The dark empty hole in her memory suddenly loomed in her mind and the cold metallic taste of fear rose in her throat.

"And… and everything else?" she asked hesitantly.

"Well, the internal injuries seem to be healing nicely. Again, as long as you take it easy and don't go moving around too much, they should be fine. And the cuts and bruises will continue to heal too. I was worried about some of those burns but it looks like they're already healing at, well frankly,' he shot Lee a significant look, "at an unbelievable rate. It looks like any sign of epidermal infection has also disappeared so while I'm sure you'll have some scars to show off in the rec room, they shouldn't give you serious trouble."

Kara nodded but looked down to where her fingers were toying with the edge of the sheet.

Lee stood helpless as Kara lay there fidgeting and obviously unable to ask the important question. _She knows! She remembers but she can't bring it up. I knew it was a bad idea to lie to her!_ Before he could say anything, however, Cottle cleared his throat and sat down on the edge of Kara's bed.

"Thrace," the doctor said softly, "do you remember anything else about what happened?"

Kara shook her head but didn't look up. It wasn't a lie. She didn't _actually_ remember anything. Flickering thoughts, half-formed memories of images and sounds, that cold dread she did her best to ignore in the pit of her gut, those weren't really memories and telling the doc wouldn't make them go away.

"Don't worry," Cottle reassured her, placing a hand gently over hers, "you will."

Kara looked up then and met the doctor's kindly gaze. Her eyes narrowed as she studied the older man's face. Finally, she nodded slowly, her mouth curving slightly into a tense half smile. She nodded again, more definitely this time. Cottle smiled and patted her hand awkwardly before he stood up.

"Now, Ishay and I need to get you cleaned up and change your bandages and so on. So you, Captain," he turned and jabbed a finger at Lee, "are going to have to make yourself scarce for a while."

Lee's hand automatically tightened on Kara's. _No. I'm not leaving._ _You can't make me!_ The voice in his head screamed even as he resigned himself to the doctor's orders. He knew he was lucky to have been able to stay with her all this time and he also knew he'd have to leave her side eventually. He's just been wishing that 'eventually' didn't have to happen for another decade or so. He nodded slowly, ignoring the demanding voice in his head, and turned to look at Kara.

"Are you going to be okay if I take off for a little while?" he asked, a furrow of concern knitting his brows.

She looked up at him and, for a moment, everything else vanished: Cottle, the Life Station, the machines, even the Galactica herself. Kara Thrace gazed up at him and Lee Adama felt his world stop as he fell into the swirling depths of sorrow that filled her eyes. And then she blinked. And grinned.

"I think I can manage a half hour or so away from your diligent care, Nurse Apollo," she teased. The Starbuck grin told him to frak off and give her some peace but Lee could have sworn that he saw a flash of Kara calling out to him from those eyes, begging him not to leave her.

Torn, he looked to the doctor. Recognizing the young man's apprehension, Cottle smiled reassuringly, "It's alright, Son. We'll take good care of her and, believe me, you could do with a bit of cleaning up yourself. I think the old man wants a word too." _Besides, you don't want to see all that. You don't need to have the image of every cut, every bruise, every burn etched into your mind, _Cottle thought. _Please, gods, don't let the kid fight me over this one. I'm just too frakkin' tired to argue with him._

Running a hand over the rasping stubble on his chin, Lee looked back to Kara. He knew couldn't stay with her forever but he was frakked if he was going anywhere without her permission.

Kara stared up at him for a long moment before she squeezed his hand gently and nodded once. There was fear there but undercutting it was something else. Something stronger. Something that, in anyone else's eyes, Lee would almost have called trust. Realizing the enormity of the double-edged gift and burden he'd just received, Lee prayed to the gods he wouldn't let Kara down. He nodded back, without breaking contact with her stare.

_Okay._

Before she had a chance to crack a joke or break the connection between them, Lee bent down and placed a quick kiss on her forehead, "I'll be right outside if you need me," he whispered. He gave her hand one quick squeeze and then turned and strode out of the room before she could try to take back what she'd just given him.

* * *

_A/N: Okay, so the opening dream sequence was something new for me, both in terms of length and content, what did you think? I know I've left things still mired down in the whole 'Kara's in rough shape' thing but I warned you we were in for the long haul, didn't I? I know you wouldn't really be satisfied if I waved my deus ex machina writer's wand and had her up and running around again right away, right? I hope I did anyway... feel free to flame me if I didn't ;)_


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N Hey folks! Hope everyone is having a wonderful summer! I've been wrestling with a brutal course load but managed to squeak this out. I'm flying solo on this one as I'm hoping that less time editing will mean more frequent postings but if it's terrible and you think I need more re-reading and/or bataing please, please, please let me know!!_

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**Chapter 19**

Stepping back out into the general ward, Lee blinked and looked around. _How long was I in there for?_ He tried to calculate when was the last time he'd been outside the isolation area but the best he could do was reckon that it had been at least a couple of days. Looking around the ward, however, he'd never have known it. Life on a Battlestar was always marked by a surreal sense of timelessness, without even the change of daylight to mark the passage of time aboard, but looking about him, Lee felt as if he'd just stepped away a moment ago. His father sat reading in his bed, Helo was lying on his own bed near the door, and various crewmen and members of the medical team bustled around going about their business.

As if the entire universe hadn't nearly vanished and then, literally, been miraculously recovered. As if the worlds hadn't just been on the brink of destruction only to be snatched back at the last possible second. As if life was going on with or without him and Kara.

On one hand he felt like he'd only just left the ward but at the same time the noise, the bright lights and the hum of activity felt strange and startling after the quiet and subdued atmosphere in Kara's room. Lee had felt fine, in charge, calm and collected when he'd left Kara but now, standing here in the middle of 'life as usual', he found himself shaking and at a loss.

His skin crawled in agitation as a medic dumped instruments into a metal basin for sterilization, the harsh clatter grating in his ears. Several conversations were being carried out around the large room and he struggled to tune out the cacophony of voices as his mind automatically tried to follow each one simultaneously. Nurses passed him at what felt like impossible rates; dashing by, distracting him and drawing his line of sight even when he tried to just stare at the wall across from him. His eyes squinted painfully under the bright fluorescents of 'daylight' in the Life Station. The stubble on his chin was starting to itch, his hand ached and he discovered a headache throbbing just behind his eyes that he suddenly realized had been there for about as long as he could remember.

He recognized Dee's voice calling out over the shipwide comm to mark the change of shifts. Her announcement sent everyone in the room scurrying about even faster. Voices rose as visitors said goodbye, nurses rushed to finish their tasks before leaving shift, and Lee could have sworn someone turned on even more lights. He closed his eyes against it all for a moment, took a couple of deep breaths and tried to centre himself in what felt like a whirlpool of activity.

_She's fine. She's okay. Kara's pulled through and is going to be okay. She's okay._ He repeated to himself. The image of her grinning up at him and swatting at him with her cast came back to him and he found himself smiling in response. Opening his eyes, he saw the Life Station just as it had been any other time he'd seen it. No one was running around at breakneck speeds, there weren't a million people talking at once and the lights weren't turned up to a trillion kilowatts.

He looked up and found his father watching him, a small smile of reassurance softening the old man's face. Lee smiled in return and loped stiffly across the ward to speak to him.

***

Sitting next to his father's bed half an hour later, Lee did his best not to think. Thinking meant his thoughts would turn to Kara. Thinking about Kara meant thinking about how she was. Thinking about how she was meant thinking about what had happened to her and where they were going to go from here, and both of those things were far too much for him to face right now. Right now he just wanted to sit here quietly waiting for Ishay to come tell him he could go back and see her again. There was time enough for the future in the future.

Bill sat with Lee, once again worrying. Watching the blank mask slip back over the young man's blue eyes, he realized Lee was withdrawing behind his old defenses once again. Part of Bill wanted to back off and let him have a moment of peace but there were matters they needed to discuss and regardless what his son needed, Captain Adama had to be brought up to speed on the larger situation. Bill dreaded adding to Lee's burdens but he knew that with the limited resources within the fleet, he needed to keep every hand he had in the game.

"Lee?" he asked quietly.

Lee blinked twice before starting slightly and turning to look at him. Bill was glad to see that while the stress and pain were still etched clearly on Lee's face, at least he looked a little more rested.

"I need to bring you up to speed on our current sit-rep," Bill said quietly. Lee's look of blank confusion sent a slither of guilt sliding over Bill's heart, "Within the fleet, I mean." Understanding dawned on Lee's face and he automatically straightened in the chair, his distracted eyes sharpening a little.

While the guilt of asking even more of his son gnawed at his gut, Bill was glad to see that Lee slipped easily and automatically back into his professional role. _He's a good soldier, _Bill thought with a sudden flush of pride, _a good man._

For years he'd received glowing reports of Lee's progress within the fleet and he had always smiled in acknowledgement when a colleague complimented him on his son's abilities. It was not until they'd served together after the attacks, not until he'd seen with his own eyes what a fine young officer Lee had grown into, that Bill had felt genuinely proud of his son.

He was ashamed to admit it but he'd simply expected his sons to excel. He had always just assumed they would follow in his footsteps and become talented pilots so instead of celebrating Lee's success, he'd merely accepted it as the natural order of their family's military tradition.

Working with Lee on a daily basis, however, he'd come appreciate his son in a whole new way. Watching Lee instructing his nuggets in the briefing room, interacting with his crewmates in the causeway, strategizing with his senior officers in the CIC and leading his pilots in the air, Bill had discovered that Lee had become an extremely capable, skillful and intelligent officer. Listening to Lee reassuring a rattled pilot over the wireless, watching him shoulder the responsibilities suddenly thrust upon him as a war-time CAG and overhearing him comforting crewmates struggling to accept the reality of all that had happened, he had come to know his son as a strong, compassionate and thoughtful young man.

Realizing that if they hadn't been thrown together on the same battlestar at the end of the worlds he would have never known Lee like this, would never have made the effort to get to know him like this, was a painful truth about his own failings as a father that Bill had yet to reconcile himself with. Despite those feelings of guilt, however, Bill was distinctly proud of his son and the work he continued to do, day in and day out, as they fought for the survival of the fleet.

Pulling himself out of his reverie, Bill looked at Lee's stoic expression. After everything that had happened, over the past several weeks and the past few days, Lee was still willing and able to pull himself together and face his duty regardless of how exhausted and overburdened he was with his own concerns.

Clearing his throat, Bill did the same. "Captain, it would appear that we have somewhat of a conflict within the fleet with regard to how to deal with-" the Commander's resolve faltered as an image of Zarek's face floated in his mind, sending a flash of white-hot rage through him. He blinked the image away and continued slowly "...with the crew of the Astral Queen."

Lee's eyes snapped up to his father's and he opened his mouth as if to speak but caught himself before he interrupted his commanding officer.

Taking advantage of Lee's deferential hesitation, Bill continued, his deepening voice belaying his pent-up frustration, "The ship and her crew are under _our_ authority but the President has gotten it into her head that they should have a civil trial," he shook his head dismissively.

Lee's eyebrows knitted together, he didn't quite understand what the Commander was talking about. When his father looked at him expectantly, he spoke, "Wh-" his voice rasped. He cleared his throat, straightened up in his seat and tried again, "What else would she do with them, Sir?"

"_She_ is not going to do anything with them, Captain." Bill blinked slowly, "They are military prisoners and therefore will face a military tribunal."

"Military prisoners? A tribunal??" Lee looked at his father in confusion, "But they're not military personnel." With his fatigued mind caught off-guard by this unexpected discussion, he forgot himself, "What are you talking about Dad?" he asked, his voice sharp with disbelief.

"I'm talking about a foreign entity who's military personnel mistreated one of our men without provocation and as such will be tried by a tribunal," the Commander said coldly, more hurt by Lee's reaction than he cared to admit. "I'm talking about a military matter that will be dealt with by the military," he snapped.

"What? But it's not. It's not a military matter. They're civilians, criminals, but not soldiers." Lee returned his father's steely stare with a look of uncertainty as his mind scrambled to catch up to what was going on.

He could see his father was upset about this issue, and had probably been assuming Lee would side with him against the President, but the idea of a tribunal for Zarek and his men simply didn't make sense. Why should they, the commanding officers of the fleet, be responsible for… Lee blinked suddenly as the pieces came together.

Lee scrubbed a hand over his face, "Look, Dad, I know this has been a lot to deal with and, gods know, I would love nothing more than to be personally responsible for meting out Zarek's punishment, but you can't really be thinking that _we_ should try him - them."

"I'm not thinking it, Captain," Bill growled, bristling at Lee's sympathetic tone, "I'm _doing_ it. Because that is the proper protocol and I will not let the President encroach yet again upon military affairs."

"Oh come on, Dad," Lee's tone edged towards frustration. He tried to hold it in check but was simply too worn out. "This isn't a military matter, and you know it."

Bill flinched, hearing the President's words echoed by his son and third in command, "So," he said coldly, glaring at Lee over the rims of his glasses, "you're going to side with her this time too?"

Lee sighed. _Frak me, here we go again_. "Dad, this is not the same thing. I disagreed with you over how you dealt with your conflict with her last time but I _agreed_ that she was out of line sending Starbuck back to Caprica without your permission in the first place." His voice rose slightly with his frustration, "But this… this is something totally different. There is no question that this is a _civil_ case. They're colonial prisoners, for fraksake, not soldiers!"

Looking at his father's stony face and thinking back to the last time the Commander had disagreed with the President, the full magnitude of the situation finally hit Lee. He felt a chill run through him as he stared into his father's determined eyes.

_Gods, the fleet._

Over the past few months things had been running relatively smoothly between the military and the civilian population but the underlying tensions left over from Tigh's first command were still simmering amongst some of the civilian groups. If they got wind of Commander Adama unilaterally trying and convicting civilians…

_Frak me, this is going to tear us apart! _

Lee knew he had to work quickly. His father was one of the most stubborn men he had ever met and Ishay would be coming out to get him any minute - he had to do what he could to talk his father out of this before he returned to Kara's bedside.

While Lee's mind raced to find a way to bring his father around to reason, Bill spoke again, "You're right, there is no question about this matter. But it is _not_ a civil case and it _will_ be decided by the tribunal."

"By you, you mean," Lee snapped.

Bill just glared at Lee. _I thought at least Lee would be on my side, that he'd see that we have to do this ourselves, _he thought with not a small amount of self-pity.

"Look, Dad," Lee tried the sympathetic approach again. "I know, I know you want-" Bill's eyes flashed up to his and Lee felt the searing heat of a fury he'd never before seen in his father. For a moment Lee was actually physically afraid of the Commander but that fear quickly turned to frustration and anger of his own.

_Gods damn it! I know you're mad and you're hurting but so am I! You don't see me frakking around, making decisions that will tear apart the lives of thousands of people just to make myself feel better, do you? _

"Don't tell me you don't want to see justice done here, Lee. I _know_ you want to see Zarek punished for what he's done," Bill's voice was low and menacing, almost taunting Lee.

Half formed thoughts about sneaking into Zarek's cell and telling the marine guard to find somewhere else to be, images of what he would like to do once he got a moment alone with that monster, flickered through Lee's mind and a flash of pain splintered through his thoughts as his hands unconsciously curled into fists. Ignoring the burning that spread through his hand as the skin he'd split on the bulkhead stretched over his knuckles once again, Lee pushed away his own thirst for revenge.

_Those ideas, that's just him and me. It's not the same. That's not destroying the foundation of our entire society just to satisfy my own needs. It's not the same frakking thing! _

He forced himself to look up and meet his father's icy stare. There was no sign the Commander was even considering wavering. Lee felt his own fury, tinged with bitter helplessness, welling up in his throat like bile.

_You can't just do this! You can't just destroy everything we've fought for, you self-centred bastard!_

Lee struggled to keep his temper under control. He needed to stay rational, to make his case to the Commander, not get in a shouting match with his father.

"I know you _need_ to do something, to hurt them. But you can't, not like this." Bill moved to speak but Lee hurried on, not giving him the chance, "Not like this, Sir." He shook his head firmly. "Last time she interfered with your direct orders to your officer but this time… this time you're talking about taking judicial power by force, you're talking about overriding the Articles of Colonization because you can; because you _want _to. Frak, Dad, you just can't do _this_," Lee's control was slipping and his voice unconsciously dropped to an accusatory hiss on the last word.

"You and the President are making too much of this, it's really not that big a deal. Tribunals have tried war criminals for centuries, it's _in_ the Articles," Bill's voice was cold and even, betraying nothing of the emotion Lee saw swirling in his eyes.

Lee stared at his blankly for a moment, "Not a big deal? Commander, excuse me but you couldn't be more wrong. How can you not see the bigger picture here! I know you're hurting but…" Bill looked away from his piercing gaze but not before Lee saw the look of exquisite pain and grief that flashed through the older man's eyes.

Despite the flush of anger running through his veins, Lee felt a stab of guilt. Knowing he was running out of time, however, he continued, speaking quickly and passionately, desperate to get through to the old man before he was called away,

"Dad, I know you're angry, I know you're scared and upset. I know you want to hurt Zarek but I also _know _you want to do the right thing. What you're suggesting is just so far wrong I don't… I don't know what to say," Lee stood up, getting more desperate as time went by and his father simply continued to stare at the curtain on the other side of the bed.

"What you're suggesting is a military coup of the justice system, the system you once called 'the wall that stands between the people and the powerful'; the last defense that protects the people from those they empower to protect them. Your paper on civil justice and the military was the foundation for the entire ethics program at the Academy! Don't you remember? You told Roslin that when the military becomes the police, the people become the enemies of the state, can't you see that's just what you're doing here? Commander, _Dad_," Lee leaned forward, his hand resting hesitatingly on the edge of his father's bed, "I'm begging you not to do this. _Please_, you can't do this."

Bill turned his head slowly and squinted up at Lee, "I don't need your permission, _Captain_."

"You're right, you don't. You don't need anyone's permission. And that's the whole problem! Right now you have the power to control just _us_: the Galactica, her crew and her weapons. But if you do this, if you take over judicial jurisdiction, you'll be using that limited power to take _absolute power_. You were entrusted with the Galactica to protect the people but what you're proposing is using the very power they trusted you with against them. That's not justice Dad, that's not protocol, that's _dictatorship_."

Bill recoiled from the word as if it had physically struck him, "Oh stop being so dramatic, Lee," he snapped once he recovered.

Lee stared at his father. _Oh gods,_ he thought, his heart sinking, _it's not working. He's not listening to me. Gods, where is this going to end?_ Lee remembered the Gideon massacre and the ripples it sent through the fleet. People died, families were been divided and only the blind luck of not running into a Cylon attack had kept the fleet from being decimated when it splintered in half.

_Only this will be worse, so much worse! He's talking about trying, and certainly killing, civilians without any semblance of jurisprudence. _Before the attacks, something like this would have been bad enough, it would probably have ended his father's career and caused a lot of negative publicity for the military but it wouldn't really have had much of an effect on anyone not directly involved. But now, this wouldn't just be a matter of a renegade commander overstepping the bounds of his responsibilities. In their current situation, anything the Commander did affected the entire human race, what little was left of it, and if they disagreed with what he did… _Oh my gods, is this really how it's all going to end?_

Not willing to give up, Lee made one more desperate plea, "When I was little, you told me that Grandpa Joe was your compass, remember that?"

Bill blinked up at him, his face guarded.

"I was upset over some problem with a kid at school and you told me that whenever you were faced with a tough decision, an ethical decision, you would ask yourself what Grandpa Joe would think of your options and what he would think of you depending on the choice you made."

Bill scowled and Lee worried he'd taken a misstep. His father and grandfather had had a rocky relationship at best. Determined to do everything he could to prevent what he was sure would be a fatal mistake on his father's part, however, he took a deep breath and pressed on,

"You told me to ask myself what Grandpa would think was right and that by putting myself in his shoes, by thinking like him, I would know what was the right answer. Well, I'm doing that right now Dad, and I _know_ that you know what he would think of this whole idea."

"Your Grandfather never understood the military and how it works," Bill snorted derisively looking away.

"He didn't understand what it meant to _you_ but he sure as hell understood its role and responsibility within society. He understood its use and its limitations. He understood the problem of putting too much power in the hands of too few, that's why he fought all those years, that's why he stayed in civil litigation when they tried to push him into politics." Lee's voice rose as he went on quickly, "He said the goddess Diké held a sword to punish the wicked but that she represented justice because she listened to each case first, blindfolded so as to be sure she treated everyone equally, justly. He said justice was about the head tempered by the heart, but that arms had no place in the courtroom. How can you lie there and calmly tell me you're planning on simply overturning everything he stood for?" Lee paused, breathing heavily, and hoped beyond hope that he'd made even the smallest crack in his father's resolve.

Bill looked down at his hands in his lap, his fingers intertwined.

"Ask yourself," Lee went on, his voice low, "ask yourself what he'd think of you now, Dad."

Bill looked up and met his eyes but Lee couldn't read a thing in their stony expression.

"I'll tell you what he'd think," Lee paused, hearing the swinging door open and seeing Ishay pausing on its threshold out of the corner of his eye. _They're done. I can go see Kara now, _the realization flashed through him, briefly scattering every other thought from his mind. _Focus, Lee, you've got to finish this with the old man first._ _Quickly. _

He went on, "I'll tell you what we _both_ know. We both know how Grandpa would feel. We both know he'd be _ashamed_ of you. He would be ashamed and afraid: ashamed that you would even _consider_ something like this and afraid of what it would mean for the people of the fleet. Afraid for what it would mean for the future of the _entire human race_."

Bill's mouth tightened as he once again looked away but he gave no other sign of any reaction to what Lee was saying.

"Please, Dad, I'm begging you. Think this through before you do something you'll regret. We both know you don't have to, that you can do whatever you want, but you hold all of our lives in your hands so please just promise me you'll think about it. Right now the people of the fleet, the last of our people, they trust you, they trust you with their lives, their hope and their freedom. If you betray that trust, if you kill that hope…" Lee shrugged sadly as a cloak of despair fell over him.

He stared down at his fingers as he toyed with the edge of his father's blanket. Kara filled his mind and he let his thoughts wander for a moment, flitting quickly through images of her, memories of her.

"… a cloth once cut _can_ be mended but it can never be uncut; it can never again be whole as it once was," he murmured, almost under his breath, before he turned and walked with a heavy step to where the medic waited.

He didn't see Bill's eyes flash up to his face or the surprise that sparked in the older man's eyes at his parting words.

He didn't see the Commander squeeze his eyes shut and lay back against his bed as his heart warred with his head.

He didn't see his father sigh with resigned frustration before reaching for the handset next to his bed.

"Dee?" Bill's voice rasped, thick with emotion, "Get me the President."

* * *

_A/N So, yeah, I know it's not as exciting as many of you might have hoped for but it was a necessary (I think) piece to move ahead with the larger plot. Next up, the beginning of Kara's recovery and how it plays out for her and Lee. I'll do my best to hammer it out before too long. To be honest, critical feedback and hearing what you think I could be doing better is great motivation for my writing so please feel free to fire away with your best (constructive) criticism and light a fire under my self-competitive nature!_


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N – hello again fanfiction-land!! After a lengthy hiatus due to some medical and personal life issues, I've managed to get back to our poor pilots. I know it's a lot to ask for you to have stuck with me all this time and that these kind of gaps in updates can really ruin the momentum of a story for the reader but there wasn't much I could do about it. Still, I apologize whole-heartedly and humbly beg your forgiveness. I'm hoping to be more regular about posting but it depends on how I'm feeling the next little while._

_Anyway, enough babbling, you're not here to hear about me, you're here to see what happens next for our dear pilots! I hope it lives up to any expectations you may have but if not, please feel free to blast away using that handy-dandy review button at the bottom of the page!_

_Please note that I own nothing but the melodramatic plot line and a very overactive imagination so suing me would be pretty pointless anyway._

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Chapter 20

Lee stepped into Kara's room and felt the nervous hum of energy leave him as soon as his eyes landed on her pale face. _Kara._ Her eyes slid open slowly and when she caught sight of him standing in the doorway she attempted a grin. He walked quickly to her side, trying not to see the large pile of dirty bandages Ishay was collecting from one of the wheeled tables.

He forced a smile to match Kara's as he looked down at her. Her skin had a faint grayish tinge, her lips were pale and drawn and there was a pinching around her eyes that hadn't been there when he left.

"How was it?" he asked quietly.

Her lips tightened and she shrugged slightly. Her eyes were glassy and there was a faint sheen of sweat on her brow.

"That great, huh?" he tried to kid.

She mustered up another attempt at a smile but only managed to twist her face in something that was barely even an approximation of his favourite grin. Lee looked down at her, desperately scrambling to think of something to say.

"Kara, I-" a familiar clearing of the throat cut him off.

"She's worn out, son," Cottle growled.

Lee looked up. The weary doctor looked like he'd aged ten years in the hour or so Lee was gone.

"We gave her as much as we could for the pain, and she'll be pretty out of it for a while, but it was still pretty rough on her. She's beat the infection but the burns and lacerations are still pretty bad and cleaning out those wounds is no picnic."

Lee glanced quickly down at Kara, her eyes were closed and she appeared to be asleep. He absently brushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead. She shifted, her eyes fluttering open.

"Lee? Mehm, I don't wannah…" she slurred sleepily, her gaze drifting softly over his face.

"Shhh," Lee squeezed her hand gently. "Just get some sleep, okay?"

"B-ut…"Kara tried to protest, her face stirred into sluggish agitation. "Lee, I can't… don't… I…" her voice faded in and out.

"It's okay, I'll be right here. You just need to rest. Please Kara, just try to sleep?" Lee begged softly. "I'll be right here the whole time, okay?"

Finally, her eyes found his and held his gaze for a moment.

"Please?"

She nodded slowly, her eyes already halfway shut.

"You should get some rest yourself, Son," Cottle said, keeping his voice low. "There's enough meds in that IV to make sure she's comfortable through the night. But Dr. Stoffa will be here in the morning to talk to her and-" he paused and gazed down at Kara, his face twisting into a mournful mask. For a horrifying moment Lee thought the doctor might burst into tears. But then the older man coughed and scrubbed a hand over his face and when he looked up, he was the same Doc Cottle he always was. "Well, that's not going to be any picnic either."

Lee nodded silently. Cottle returned the nod and walked out of the room, shooing Ishay out ahead of him. Lee drew his chair up to Kara's bedside once again and settled in for the night ahead. _Dr. Stoffa. _Lee tried to ignore the bubble of anxiety that rose in his chest at the thought of Kara speaking to the psychologist. He knew the SOP military shrinks went through with enlisted men after particularly traumatic events, and that was bad enough. He had no real idea of what a civilian shrink would do but he was pretty sure it would involve less emphasis on duty and 'getting on with things' and more on time spent on personal exploration and emotional expression. Neither of which Kara was particularly fond of nor good at.

Kara stirred and mewled softly. Lee gently stroked the back of her hand with his thumb and tried to focus on the positives. _She's here. She's back and we're going to get her well again. I'm going to get her well again._ He thought, willing himself to believe it as he stared down into her peaceful face. _She's okay. She's going to be okay. We're going to be okay._ Repeating the words over and over, he was surprised to find that he was actually starting to believe them. _She made it through all that, now it's just a matter of time and healing._ Feeling more relaxed and confidant than he had in weeks, Lee sat back and let his heavy eyelids close.

Sometime later, Lee was pulled from sleep by a sharp cry. Jerking upright, he saw Kara writhing in the bed, her face twisted in what was either agony or terror.

Lee had no idea which.

* * *

_She was trapped. She tore down the familiar metal gangways and corridors but she had no idea where she was going. Everything looked familiar but nothing was where it should be and she couldn't seem to get anywhere. _

_She couldn't get away. Something was behind her. What it was, she had no idea. She didn't dare turn and look for fear she would lose her footing as she ran but she didn't have to see it to know it was there and that it was bad._

_She ran on and on despite the fire building in her chest and the lightning storm of agony that radiated up and down from her knee. Hauling herself up the short flights of stairs, throwing herself around the random piles of cargo, diving through hatches, her footsteps echoed hollowly in the silence._

Faster, faster, FASTER!

_Suddenly, she knew where she was, she knew where she was headed, and her heart stuttered in her chest. _

No. No! NO!

_She tried desperately to think of someway to avoid it but she couldn't. _

PLEASE GODS, NO!

_It ran behind her, pushing her onward, and she had no choice. She ran. _

Please, dear Zeus, _she pleaded silently. _Father of gods, bringer of life, please spare me this. Please grant your dutiful daughter protection in this hour of need. So say we all.

_She felt tears start to run down her cheeks. Her stomach clenched and she thought for a fleeting moment that she might vomit. Fear crawled on icy feet up and down her spine but she managed to shove it away and keep running. She heard the desperate sobbing moments before she realized it was coming out of her mouth. She could feel her feet slowing as she approached the next corner but felt It getting closer behind her. _

No!

_Desperate, she stumbled along sobbing, crying and praying, pleading with the gods to give her a way out, something other than what lay in front of her and what followed close behind. The emptiness of the ship suddenly overwhelmed her as she realized there was absolutely no one to help her. No one left to swoop in just when she needed him._

_Then she was at the corner and her feet took her around a stack of crates despite the fear and bone-deep sense of loathing that knotted her stomach and slammed up through her heart. _

_She reluctantly turned the corner._

_And then there she was. And there was –_

"_NO!"_

_* * *_

"NO!" Kara wailed as Lee tried to wake her. She struggled under his hands, her eyes flickering and drifting.

"C'mon Kara, it's alright. It's just a dream," Lee tried to soothe her.

"LEE!" she screamed.

"I'm right here, Kara. It's me, Lee," he leaned over her holding a gentle hand to her cheek to steady her flailing head.

"Lee," she breathed his name like scripture, her eyes locked on his. "_Lee_."

He tried to smile down at her. Her heavy and glazed eyes told him she was still pretty doped up and wasn't really awake. "Shhhh," he crooned, kissing her forehead softly. "It's all okay, you can go back to sleep now Kara. Just try to sleep."

She fought it for a moment but soon her eyes slid shut once again. Lee stroked a hand through her hair, watching her slowly relax into deeper slumber. When moving even the couple of feet back to his chair felt like it would take him too far from her side, he lay down and curled up beside her sleeping form, his arm thrown protectively over her chest, his head nestled gently against her shoulder.

* * *

Lee woke slowly, knowing exactly where he was and who he held curled in his arms long before his brain was fully conscious. He couldn't help smiling just a little as he opened his eyes. Looking around he located the source of the faint noise that had pulled him from his sleep, Doctor Cottle stood framed in the doorway. When the doctor realized Lee was awake, he quickly replaced the soft smile on his face with his more characteristic scowl and jerked his head to one side. Lee nodded once before slowly and gently starting to extricate himself from Kara's embrace. Kara murmured in protest and he froze until she sighed and shifted away from him. Lee slipped his arm out from under her head and slid off the bed. He wrapped his arms around his chest as he crossed the room, trying to ward off the empty chill of Kara's absence.

"How was your night?" Cottle asked, his voice low.

Lee shrugged and shot a worried glance over his shoulder to where Kara slept.

Cottle squinted at him questioningly, pinning him with his gaze.

Lee rubbed the back of his neck, "Well, uh. She, well, she had a lot of dreams, you know?" Somehow he felt uncomfortable talking about Kara's nightmares.

Cottle waited. Impatiently.

"Okay, well uh, she had a few bad dreams, I guess."

The doctor glared at him, "worse than before?"

"Yeah, well, no-sorta," Lee scrubbed both hands over his face. "They were different. Before, in her fever, they were bad but they were crazy, all over the place. Last night they were… well, more intense because they were more… real, sort of. I don't know, it's hard to explain," he finished in exasperation.

Cottle just nodded slowly, "Alright, okay. That's to be expected, these things are going to go up and down, we just have to ride them out with her."

Lee sighed, dropping his head to his chest, "I know, I know. It just, it was pretty rough."

Cottle shuffled his feet awkwardly and cleared his throat, "Yeah, well, Dr. Stoffa will be on her way soon so we need to get her up and ready for that."

Lee's head shot up, his eyes darting to Kara. "Frak, I totally forgot."

"Okay, well, you get her up and I'll have Ishay bring in some food and we'll see if she can eat anything. You know Thrace, she's always in better spirits with some food in her."

Lee mustered up a half-hearted smile, "Yeah, okay."

Cottle patted him on the shoulder and strode out the doorway.

Lee rolled his neck and made his way back to Kara's side. He lifted his hand to wake her but hesitated, watching her peaceful face.

_Gods,_ he begged, _please let this go easily for her._

"Kara?" he called softly. When she didn't respond he reached out gingerly and touched her shoulder lightly, "Starbuck?"

She leapt awake under his touch, her head whipping around, her eyes wide,

"Uhn?"

She caught sight of Lee and relaxed against pillow. "Lee," she breathed it so quietly Lee almost didn't catch it.

He smiled gently at her, running his hand up and down her arm. She flinched under his touch but smiled weakly up at him. Lee pulled his hand back, trying not to feel disappointed.

"So?" Kara growled, "Whadda wake me up for?"

"Well, uh, Cottle wanted me to wake you up cause, uhm, you have an appointment this morning."

"I do?" Kara blinked up at him.

"Yeah, you gotta talk to Dr. Stoffa."

"Who's that?"

"She's, well, she's uhm, a specialist, of sorts."

"What kind of specialist?" Kara demanded suspiciously.

There was obviously no point in stalling. He sighed resignedly, "She's a shrink."

Kara's eyes narrowed, "Huh?"

"Well, after uhm, everything, Cottle wants you to talk to her about… stuff," Lee shrugged.

"I don't get it," Kara's brows knitted over her fierce stare. "You mean like a debrief?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Kara laughed lightly, "So what are you worked up about? You and I have both done enough of these 'post incident' counseling sessions to know that it's all a dog and pony show." She smirked, "You tell 'em what they want to hear, show you recognize the potential impact of the 'incident' and how it might affect your future performance on duty and that you're 'working through it' to ensure that doesn't happen. Give them a little emotion, show that you are in touch with your feelings, and you're home free, right?"

Lee nodded, "Yeah, that's how they usually go." _Please forgive me,_ he thought. It wasn't exactly a lie but he was pretty sure Dr. Stoffa wasn't going to let Kara slide with a quick session and an empty promise to come back if she had 'trouble later' but he couldn't tell her what he was so worried about without contravening Cottle's direct order to let Kara's memory come back on its own. Still, he felt he owed her some degree of warning, "Except we don't have a fleet shrink on board so you're going to have to make due with a civvy one this time."

Kara cocked an eye, "Oh really?" she chuckled, "Don't look so worried, Lee, I've dealt with his kind before. Believe me, it's even easier than dealing with the fleet ones. You fake a couple tears, toss them an unhappy memory or two from childhood and tell them how good it feels to talk about whatever got you roped into going to their office in the first place. No sweat, Apollo." She grinned up at him.

Lee forced a smile and nodded in agreement. _Sure, that's what happens when you know why you've been roped into their office. _

* * *

Lee paced restlessly from his father's bed to the wall for the umpteenth time. The Commander didn't have the heart to bark at Lee even though the repetitive movement was grating on his own frayed nerves like nails on a blackboard. He watched as Lee's eyes flicked up to the clock on the opposite wall once again.

"It's only been twenty minutes, Son," he chided gently.

"I know," Lee muttered, turning to pace once again.

Bill sighed and looked back down at the sheaf of paper in his hand, doing his best to focus on the CAP reports despite his own anxiety over what was going on in the isolation room. He knew that he and Lee needed to talk about Zarek and his trial again but he just couldn't bring himself to broach the subject at the moment.

Another ten minutes inched by as both Adamas wrestled with their impatience. Then the door they were both pretending not to watch popped open and they watched as Cottle spoke with a small bespectacled older woman. The doctor nodded and shook her hand before gesturing to the Adamas and turning to head back into the isolation area.

Lee steeled himself as the shrink crossed the ward.

"Commander and Captain Adama?" she asked, her voice was deeper and rougher than Lee had expected.

They both nodded, Lee automatically standing at attention and Bill straightening as best he could in the bed.

"I'm Dr. Stoffa ," she said as she smiled warmly and offered Bill her hand. "Roberta," she added as shook his hand and then repeated the formality with Lee.

Her hand felt small but firm in his and Lee nodded in response to her penetrating gaze, suddenly tongue tied under her intent gaze.

"What can you tell me about my lieutenant, Doctor?" Bill asked formally, his face taut with anxiety.

"Well now, I am bound by patient-doctor confidentiality," she cautioned, "and I won't break that trust but, given the circumstances, there are some things I _can_ share that I feel you both should know."

She stepped closer to the Commander's bed and gestured for Lee to do the same as she spoke in a lower voice, "Doctor Cottle briefed me on the situation, obviously, and I would have to agree with his diagnosis of PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. Lieutenant Thrace has no conscious memory of her absence, or what she experienced during it, but the lack of evidence of any brain damage as well as her behaviour during our conversation leaves me very certain that this is not a matter of physiologically induced amnesia." She paused, peering at the two men through her thick glasses, "she doesn't remember because she's not ready to remember."

Lee's heart was lodged somewhere just below his adam's apple but somehow he managed to squeeze out a question, "Did you ask her about it?"

"Did I ask her about the absence, did I tell her anything about what happened, you mean?"

He nodded, ready to race to Kara's side if the doctor indicated she did anything to upset her patient.

Dr. Stoffa shook her head, "No, no. In cases like this, especially when we're only talking maybe a week since the episode itself, I think it's best to wait and see what the patient is able to do on their own after gaining a bit of distance from the trauma. That being said, if Kara doesn't start to remember on her own, eventually we would have to take steps to help her."

Bill nodded, gazing down at his hands and then peering back up at the doctor over his own glasses, "What's your overall assessment, Doctor?"

Dr. Stoffa removed her glasses and rubbed absently at the bridge of her nose, silently noting that the Commander had ignored her invitation to use her given name and chosen to retain a wall of formality between them. "Well, I would say that Kara Thrace is a very resilient young woman. I read her file on my way over this morning and she has obviously dealt with a great deal of trauma and grief in her life prior to this recent episode. After speaking with her I was further reassured that she has managed to develop some pretty remarkable defense mechanisms over the years. Defense mechanisms that have allowed her to survive and, based on her service record, even thrive in some areas of her life. No small feat given what she came from and what she went through.

Despite her ability to cope with trauma in the past, however, we cannot underestimate the magnitude of her recent experience. She has been through a lot before but this is a whole new ball game as far as coping is concerned. My initial read on her is that she's someone who needs space, needs to do things at her own pace, and probably won't respond to traditional, emotion-based counseling approaches. She's fiercely independent and self-reliant, and highly motivated to succeed at things _she_ deems important." Stoffa smiled to herself, " She doesn't suffer fools gladly nor does she deal well with having to follow other people's agendas or expectations. She's more of a 'I can do it my own damn self and if I can't, then I don't need to do it at all' kind of person, am I right?"

Both Adama men nodded, Bill smiling slightly at the accuracy of the assessment.

She frowned and replaced her glasses slowly. Lee automatically braced himself for what was coming next.

"I don't think I need to outline for you the horrific nature of her experiences on the Astral Queen, as I understand you both witnessed some of it via the wireless?"

Bill shook his head, "Lee did but I-" his voice caught and he cleared his throat, "I couldn't watch it."

The doctor nodded empathetically, "Of course, of course. But you understand the extent of what we know happened to her?"

Bill nodded.

"Well, that alone is bad enough but we have no idea what went on prior to contact; what they did to her during the weeks she was held there without our knowing."

Something clicked in Lee's mind. _What went on during the weeks she was held there... She was there _alone_ with those monsters for weeks._ Somehow he hadn't let that fact, the reality of it anyway, sink in yet. He felt his knees go weak as his head swam with the impact of his realization. Images of Kara trapped there, painfully _not_ alone, danced in front of his eyes. _She was there for weeks, ever since that last attack, she was alone with Zarek for almost seven weeks-_ his vision went dark, his ears filled with a loud rushing sound.

"Captain? Lee?" he heard a voice calling him from a distance.

Then he was sitting in a chair, his head between his knees, as someone stroked a small hand in slow circles on his back and ordered him firmly to breathe.

_Breathe. Right, that sounds like a good idea_. Obediently he sucked down a lungful of air and felt his chest expand slowly. _Yeah, that's better_. He tried it again and felt the swirling in his head slow. After another breath he blinked and slowly sat up to find his father's worried face staring down at him.

He managed an embarrassed shrug and half smile, "Sorry, Sir. I-I don't know-"

Bill held up a hand to cut off Lee's apology. "It's alright, Son."

Dr. Stoffa suddenly stepped back into his field of vision and Lee felt himself start to flush, "Doctor, I'm sorry, I just-"

She too dismissed his apology with a quick shake of her head, "There's nothing to apologize for, Captain. We all cope with stress in different ways and I would say you've had more than your fair share of stress the past couple of days." She smiled at him gently and gave him a reassuring pat on the arm.

_There's something else there,_ Lee thought. _What was I just thinking about? I'm missing something._ He tried to recall what he had been thinking about before he ended up in the chair but the doctor's professional voice cut through his concentration,

"At this point, we need to make sure that Kara has the support and security she needs to begin the healing process. If she doesn't feel safe in the here and now she certainly won't feel safe reliving any of what happened to her and she _will_ need to face it eventually. Continued repression of that kind of trauma can lead to any number of self-destructive behaviours. Types of behaviour which apparently she has been predisposed towards prior to this incident."

"What ever you say, Doctor. Just tell us what she needs and we'll do everything in our power to get it for her," Bill said firmly.

"Well, for one thing, she seems to feel nervous about you being absent, Captain."

Lee blinked. He knew she seemed to relax when he came back to her room but he couldn't imagine Kara actually admitting to it.

As if she'd read his mind, the doctor went on, "not that she admits to that directly. But when I asked her who she's been spending time with she mentioned only you, 'Lee', and glanced nervously at the clock. Later on, when I asked about the nightmares, she made a joke that she was glad to have them because she liked waking you up and 'pissing you off'. Her tone was joking but she was obviously very appreciative of your company during the night."

Not being sure of how much the Commander knew, Stoffa didn't add that she was pretty sure there was more to their relationship than the friendship noted in their personnel files.

"I think that at this point we should do everything we can to maintain this connection and make sure she does not feel that this support system is in jeopardy in any way. I know you are a busy man, Captain, and cannot remain by her side at all times but having you spend as much time as possible with Kara will certainly help her feel more safe."

Lee nodded, refusing to let himself think about all the duties he had neglected with the time he'd already spent with Kara, let alone the indeterminate amount of further time she would need.

"She also spoke very warmly of you, Commander, and I think spending time with you would help her a great deal. Dr. Cottle tells me you had to stay out of the isolation area because of your own illness but now that there's no worry about contagion, I think that it would mean a lot to her to see you. You're obviously someone who means a lot to her."

Bill coughed awkwardly, embarrassed by the fact that the doctor's acknowledgement of his role in Kara's life brought a sudden rush of tears to his eyes, before blinking furiously and nodding.

"When I asked her about friends on board she also mentioned someone named 'Helo'?"

"That's Karl Agathon, another crewmember," Lee offered.

The doctor nodded, "The one who led the rescue party?"

"Yes, Helo was the one who brought Kara home to us," Bill said quietly.

The doctor paused for a moment.

"He found Kara on the Astral Queen and was her first contact with Galactica after the abduction? Hmmmm," she trailed off, lost in thought for a moment.

"Doctor?" Bill asked when she remained silent.

"Well, she displayed some signs of minor anxiety when discussing Helo even though she said he was one of her best friends on board. She didn't seem aware of it, however, which probably means that thinking of him is bringing back some inkling of her lost memories."

"Should we keep Helo away from her then?" Lee asked anxiously.

"No," the doctor shook her head, "not unless she actually becomes upset or displays significant discomfort. Spending time with him may actually help her slowly re-engage with what happened. Especially as it sounds like they had a particularly close friendship prior to her abduction."

Lee nodded.

"Anything else we should, or should not, be doing, Doctor?" Bill asked solemnly.

"At this point, we just have to take our cues from her. Give her space if she needs it but don't force her to be alone or do anything she resists. Right now, our priority is to make her feel safe and in control and to help her get back to her normal life as much as possible."

Both men nodded, accepting this new set of orders from the commanding officer of this situation.

"Thank you for your time, Doctor," Bill offered her his hand.

"You're very welcome, Commander, it's my pleasure to help in any way I can." She smiled as she shook his hand respectfully, "You might not hear it much but most of us out there deeply appreciate everything you and your men have done for the fleet. So, thank _you_."

Touched by the sincere gratitude in her quiet voice, Bill nodded, "It's our pleasure, Ma'am."

"Please don't hesitate to call me at any time, day or night, if you have any further questions or concerns," she turned to glance at Lee, "either of you. I'm also more than happy to meet with any other crew members who might have trouble dealing with this incident, or any others, for that matter." She watched Lee's eyes jump to hers and then away again.

Bill nodded again, "Thank you. We'll keep that in mind."

"I know you're anxious to get back in to see Kara, Captain, but since Cottle wants a few more minutes to examine her, I wonder if you would mind walking me back to my shuttle? I'm afraid all these corridors look the same to me," Stoffa smiled at Lee.

A lifetime's worth of manners and protocol lectures held Lee's tongue in check until he had time to think and realize his gut reaction - to refuse the doctor's request and bolt back to Kara - was unnecessary. _She's safe and Cottle needs the time anyway_, he reassured himself. _A couple more minutes won't do any harm, will it?_

Again, Dr. Stoffa broke into his thoughts with uncanny accuracy, "You don't need to worry, Cottle said he'd stay with her until you came back." She smiled encouragingly, her voice soft with understanding, "She's okay, Lee, I didn't push her. She'll be okay until you get back."

Lee nodded, finding it surprisingly easy to believe the earnest doctor. His comfort with her extended to the point that he didn't even notice she'd used his name, not his rank.

"I'll keep in contact with Dr. Cottle and will be back in a week or so to check on Kara, Commander. Again, please don't hesitate to call me any time."

"I won't. Thank you, Doctor."

Stoffa followed Lee out of the ward and acquiesced to his unspoken request for silence until they stepped through the hatch onto the flightdeck where she paused.

"Captain," she placed her hand gently on his arm, turning him to face her.

Standing under the catwalk surrounding the large space, she tuned out the noise and bustle of the active deck and took a long, measuring, look at Lee. By Cottle's report, he was a stalwart and loyal friend more than capable of giving Kara the support she so desperately needed. In the ward, however, he'd looked more like frightened kid caught up in something far over his head. There'd been a frantic energy in his eyes that left her hesitant to place the recovery of her patient in his hands. Lee fidgeted under her scrutiny at first but when she ducked into his line of sight, he held her gaze and she watched as he steadied, the frenetic light dimming significantly.

She nodded, satisfied that he _was_ the competent and attentive man his file described him to be and realized, to her relief, that he was carrying a heavy load but that he was far from crumbling under it. He just needed a moment to catch his breath and refocus.

"She _needs_ you, Captain, " she said softly. "She needs something, _someone_, to ground her and keep her connected to the present. She needs someone she knows and trusts who makes her feel safe and protected and whole. I don't think Kara Thrace has ever had many people that can do that for her but I think _you_ can."

Lee was embarrassed that a total stranger seemed to know so much about what went on between him and Kara when he himself was still guessing at it most of the time. The urgency in the doctor's voice pushed him out of his own discomfort, though, pulling him and centering him back with Kara.

"I know it's asking a lot, and that you've already been through so much yourself, but she needs you to stick by her through this. She needs you to remind her of who she used to be, to remind her that she's here with you now and, most of all, to catch her when she's finally ready to fall apart."

She stepped in and stared up at him intently, flicking her gaze back and forth between his crystalline blue eyes.

"Can you do that Captain? Are you going to be able to stick for the long haul? Because if you can't, that's okay," she smiled briefly before returning to her serious tone, "but I need to know that _now_, not after I encourage her to start depending on you. I need to know that you're going to be able to handle your own trauma as well as hers."

Lee blinked.

Stoffa gripped both his arms firmly, "You're in this too, Lee. And not just as an outsider, you're a victim too." He instinctively pulled back from her emotionally and physically. She tightened her grip and gave him a small shake. "It's true, this isn't just about what happened to Kara. Watching her vanish in front of your eyes and then spending all those weeks waiting and wondering; watching what they did to her on that screen; waking up to her screaming nightmares, that's not nothing. That's not just something happening to her, it's happened to you too."

A wash of emotion swept through Lee and he struggled to shrug it off, "I'm fine."

The doctor smiled up at him suddenly, "I know you are. I know you can get _yourself_ through this. What I'm asking is if you'll have enough strength left over to carry her through it too. She needs the support and patience and understanding of everyone onboard but, more importantly, she needs _you_, Lee. From what I understand, you two share something special. You're the only one she might even remotely consider letting inside those walls she spent all those weeks building. But once she opens those walls," she sighed sadly, "there's just going to be so much pain there, Lee, too much pain for her to carry on her own. She's going to need you to stand by her, no matter what, and help her bear that burden."

She paused, staring up at the young man intently. Lee stared down at the doctor, feeling her words reaching deep into him, testing him, fortifying him. Losing himself in her steady gaze, his head cleared, his heart lifted and he felt his life click silently back into place.

The feeling reminded Lee of recovering from a death spin after losing total control of his bird at top speed during a training exercise. He remembered the relief of finally feeling his stick respond to him rather than fight against him. He could almost feel the way the force and weight of the G's dragged at him as he strained with every inch of his body to pull the bird up and out of the grip of it's own momentum. But most of all, he remembered the wondrous clarity of suddenly regaining equilibrium and shaking off the terrifying disorientation of the spin, of finally regaining control, righting himself and accepting with a shuddering breath just how close he'd been to being ripped apart by the sheer velocity of his fall. Then, as now, the terror and panic of the fall had overwhelmed him but the sweetness of the recovery brought tears to his eyes. The world had suddenly stopped spinning, he knew which direction he was headed in and he knew how to get there.

He smiled faintly and nodded slowly.

"I'll stick. I can do that. I can do whatever Kara needs me to do." Suddenly it all seemed so simple.

The doctor waited, maintaining eye contact for a long moment, before returning his nod, "I believe you can, and you will."

She released his arms with a gentle pat and comforting stroke, "But you're not alone in this. I'm here with you, you got that, Captain?"

Lee nodded again.

"Good," she gave him a final pat on the shoulder. "I'll check in with you when I come back to see Kara but I want you to call me if you need anything, for Kara or yourself. Promise me you'll call me if you're having trouble with anything?"

"I promise," Lee said quickly.

The doctor laughed, a short chuckle that rumbled in her throat, "Yeah, sure, 'cause you stoic military types are known for your willingness to seek help from us head-shrinkers." Before Lee could protest she held up her hands, "I'm not insulted, just worried about you taking on too much on your own. Believe it or not, Captain, but sometimes having an outsider to talk to, to vent some of what you're feeling with, can mean the difference between a breakthrough and a breakdown."

Lee nodded soberly, "I know that. I'm a man of my word doctor, I meant what I said."

Stoffa smiled at him, but a deep sadness had crept into her eyes, "Then I'll leave you to your work, Captain, may the gods watch over you and Kara until we meet again."

Lee returned the smile, "Thank you again, Doctor. Have a safe flight home."

Lee watched for a moment as the doctor crossed the deck and climbed into her shuttle before he turned and made his way back towards the life station, his need to be with Kara suddenly flaring almost painfully in his chest. Passing along the familiar corridors, his mind wandered over the last few minutes, marveling at the results of even his short time with Dr. Stoffa. _If she's even half as good with Kara as she was with me, maybe this won't be so bad after all,_ he grinned to himself, not noticing the stares and hushed whispers that trailed behind him amongst his crewmates.

* * *

_Thanks for sticking with me folks! I really appreciate your loyalty, which I totally don't deserve at this point, and am doing my best to crank out the next chapter and get on to what we've all been waiting for, some juicy Lee/Kara angst and recovery! Cheers!_


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N: Okay, so here it is, the next episode in my horrible torture of our two favourite pilots. Hope ya'all like it!_

_Special thanks to all my lovely reviewers who've kept me motivated and invested in this piece. You make me want to be a better writer and I hope that I continue to live up to your expectations._

_Still own nothing, still just enjoying other people's work on a deeper level by playing what if... hope no one minds!_

* * *

**Chapter 21**

Watching Lee enter the Life Station with a lighter step than he'd seen in weeks, Bill cocked an eyebrow. _That must be some shrink,_ he thought to himself.

"Lee?" Bill called as his son headed straight for the door to the isolation area. Lee turned, the dark circles still shadowed his eyes but he looked more relaxed, more his old self, than Bill thought possible, given the circumstances. He was still serious and stoic Lee, and the furrow in his brow told Bill he was still worrying over Kara, but the lost little boy look had vanished from his face and Bill no longer had to fight the urge to coddle and soothe this determined young man. Lee had been lost, unsure of what to do, disoriented by the fact that there was nothing he could do. It looked like Lee had found a direction and had a plan of attack. Bill smiled to himself, _Lee always did need to know exactly what was going on and what he needed to do._ It was part of what made Captain Adama such a good officer: that he thrived on the combination of order, regiment and action that made up the foundation of military life.

_What now, _Lee snapped internally, catching himself before he actually frowned over the old man's interruption. Lee forced a smile, "Sir?"

Bill smiled in return, "tell Kara I'll be in to see her as soon as I can sneak past Cottle or convince him that it won't kill me to walk a hundred feet to her room."

Lee nodded, relieved that his father didn't want to delay him any further, "will do, Sir."

Bill watched his son make his way back to the other side of the ward. The weight on the young man's shoulders was almost visible, the strain on his heart almost palpable, but he was holding up. Clearing his throat noisily, the Commander turned his attention back to the paperwork laid out across his lap.

* * *

Three weeks later, the Galactica and her crew had settled back into their regular routine, such that it was. The gossip and rumour mills had found something new to chew on and Kara's miraculous return and recovery was yesterday's news.

"Full colours, beat that gimp!" Kara crowed triumphantly as she threw her cards down onto the blanket and pumped her fists in victory.

Helo groaned and threw his cards down in disgust, "How do you keep doing that?"

Kara shrugged and grinned at him, "Some of us are just born lucky, I guess. Some of us on the other hand," she gave him a pointed look, "are born with the card playing ability and general luck of a Tauron sewer-cleaner."

He swept up a handful of cards and flung them lightly at her head. Kara's laughter echoed momentarily in the small room before she choked and started to cough. Helo, his face flashing from amusement to fear in a heartbeat, waited to see if the spell resolved itself. When it didn't, he reached out and grabbed the plastic mask hanging on the oxygen tank beside her bed.

"Here," he said quickly, handing her the mask as he opened the valve on the tank and hit the button to release medication into the oxygen stream with a practiced hand.

The coughs shook the bed and Helo watched nervously as Kara's face twisted in agony with each heave. After what felt like an eternity, the medication began to kick in. Gradually, the coughing began to subside and Kara was able to take deeper gasps from the mask in between the rasping coughs.

Finally, she stopped hacking and gagging and sat back, her eyes closed, her hand clamped firmly over the mask, as she struggled to bring her breathing back to normal.

Karl watched, waiting for any sign that the fit would return, until her right eye slid open.

"Never a dull moment in the exciting and adventurous life of Kara Thrace, huh Helo?" she quipped, her horse voice distorted by the mask.

"You said it, 'Buck," he grinned at her, all sign of worry vanishing instantly from his face as he looked down at her smirk.

_Frak,_ Kara thought, _that's Helo for you. One second he's terrified and about to run screaming for the doc and the next he's sitting there smiling away as if nothing ever happened. _A deep tug of affection pulled at her heart as she gazed at her friend.

"What?" he asked, self-consciously. "Why are you smiling at me like that?"

"Nothing," Kara shook her head, the goofy smile that had managed to slip past her guard vanished instantly. She busied herself tidying the cards with her free hand. "Just trying to figure out how much you owe me now, after today's record-setting winning streak."

"Winning, my ass," Helo scoffed. "Today's record-setting _cheating_ streak, more like it."

Kara feigned insult, gasping at him in mock disbelief, before grinning and tossing the oxygen mask at his head.

Helo caught it easily and returned it to its place of rest on the tank before shutting down the apparatus.

"So, now that today's entertainment portion of the show is over, what do you say we move on to the traveling bit?" she asked.

Helo shook his head, "Negative, I promised Apollo we'd wait for him." He glanced quickly at the clock on the wall, "he's just finishing the morning briefing, he should be here in a couple minutes."

"Of course, wouldn't want to upset the almighty CAG by actually doing _anything_ in his absence now, would we? Gods, Lee has to be a part of everything. It's not like I'm some little baby taking her first frakking steps, I've been scooting around on those damn sticks in here for a week. Of course I've only served on this bucket for years now, and without the glorious help of Captain Adama I might just get lost or wander out an airlock or something."

There wasn't much bite in her sarcasm but Helo knew Kara well enough to note the underlying tension. Although she'd toss _herself_ out an airlock before she admitted it, Kara was obviously torn between her need to be around Lee, her reliance on him just to stay calm and stave off the anxiety that built steadily with his absence, and the resistance and discomfort that kind of dependence instinctually raised within her.

"I think it's more about his concern over 'old gimpy' here," he smiled as he poked himself in the chest with his thumb, "not being able to catch you if you take a spill."

Kara's eyes darkened at the mention of his injury and her eyes flashed to Helo's wheelchair before darting away quickly. _Frak,_ Helo frowned as he watched the tension pull at the corners of her mouth,

"Hey," he put a hand on her arm, habitually pausing as she made a minuscule flinch before he gave her a gentle squeeze, "we've been over this, Kara."

She refused to look at him, "You never told me, who won the pilots' one-on-one pyramid tourney?"

Karl shook his head and tugged at her arm, "Look at me, Starbuck. _Kara_. Look at me." He waited until she reluctantly met his gaze, "I. Have. No. Regrets. Do you hear me? I did what I did because I wanted to, because your life was more important than my stupid leg. And I'd do it again, a thousand times over. I'm glad I did what I did. End of story. You have to stop blaming yourself for it. _Do you get me, Lieutenant?_"

Kara shrugged, staring down at her fingers as they toyed with the hem of her tanks.

"Besides, you know the chair is just temporary. Doc said I'd be up on crutches of my own as soon as it finishes healing from the last surgery." Kara didn't respond. Helo heaved an internal sigh. _Frakking Starbuck, _he cursed, _stubborn as an Aerilon mule and twice as ornery. _Trying a different angle, he let go of her arm, sat back in his chair and smirked, "You're just scared I'll run circles around you once I get up on _my_ sticks."

He waited a beat. A flicker of a grin licked at the corner of her mouth.

"I mean, you can't actually think that you, a lowly girl, would be able to keep up with such a fine specimen of the male form, do you?" He leaned back, his hands clasped behind his head and let out a satisfied groan, settling back comfortably and closing his eyes.

He cried out for effect when her pillow hit him square in the face, just as he'd expected it to. Looking up from where he'd doubled over in exaggerated agony, he was rewarded with a genuine grin that reached her eyes and the knowledge that they'd made it over that hurdle once again. Not that he expected the matter to be over, he knew Kara too well for that. But they were okay again. For now. And with Kara, that's all any of them were hoping for at this point.

Moments later, they heard the clatter of hurried footsteps in the corridor.

"Oh good, you're still here," Lee sighed as he bustled into the room, dropped a sheaf of papers on the empty chair and came to stand at Kara's bedside.

"Well, we were going to take a spin out to cloud nine for a drink but figured we'd might as well wait for your sorry ass. You know how much Helo and I hate to see you cry when you're left out of things," Kara grinned up at him.

Helo sat back and offered up a brief prayer as he watched the tension he almost hadn't noticed building up drain out of Kara's body. _She needs him_. _Gods, please don't let them frak this up_._ Please don't let them be Kara and Lee and tear each other apart._

"Okay, so you ate your full ration this morning?"

Kara rolled her eyes at his concerned tone, "Yes, mother."

"Cottle's still on board with the plan?"

"Was here half an hour ago and said I was cleared for take-off."

"What about your hand?"

"The new cast, remember?" Kara waggled her hand encased in heavy plaster in front of his face. "Feels fine when I brace it in the crutch."

"And no issues with your breathing?"

"Nope," Kara answered quickly and purposefully avoided looking at Helo. _He didn't ask if I'd been coughing,_ she told herself. _It's not really a lie._

"No light-headedness? How's your leg feeling?"

"Lee! I'm fine! Hand me my crutches and lemmie get out of here!" Kara cried out, half in exasperation, half laughing at his mother hen routine.

"Alright but remember, just a short trip, right? And you have to tell me if you start to feel-"

"Lee!"

"Right, okay."

He crossed the room to retrieve the crutches that were propped up in a corner. Setting them in front of Kara he watched anxiously as she shifted to the edge of the bed and hoisted herself upright on one leg. She wavered and suddenly pitched toward him.

"Kara!" His hands flashed out to catch her but she pulled back, smirking and rolling her eyes.

"Gotcha!" she called over her shoulder as she expertly swung herself towards the door.

"Apollo," Helo's voice caught Lee as he turned to follow her. "Here!"

Helo tossed something small and hard to him from across the bed. Glancing down, Lee recognized the small portable medication inhaler.

"Doc says it's in case she starts coughing, two puffs at the first sign of trouble then one every minute until she stops."

"Thanks, Helo-"

Lee was interrupted by a shout from down the corridor, "Hey Apollo, come make yourself useful and open this frakking hatch, will you?"

"Are you coming?" Lee asked.

"Nope, Ishay has some new torture regiment planned for me and my leg and I'm already late," Helo grimaced. "Which I'm sure means she'll be extra gentle and forgiving."

Lee flashed him a grin. "Good luck with that," he said as he hurried towards the door.

"You kids keep out of trouble now, you hear?" Helo called after them with a chuckle.

Lee watched nervously as Kara hopped through the hatch from the isolation area into the main corridor. His hands itched to reach out and help her but the memory of the black eye he'd received when he gave into that urge the first time Cottle'd let her out of bed to walk down the hall to the washroom held him in check.

She puffed a little, from the exertion, but the grin on her face was worth it. _She needs this,_ he thought to himself as he followed her down the hallway.

At first Kara was surprised that the halls were empty but then she put it together. Lee had planned it this way. He'd been worrying over her outing ever since Cottle had mentioned the possibility. He didn't want her overwhelmed, he didn't want her to push herself, he didn't want her to go too far, he didn't want anything to go wrong; the list of his worries had been endless. And, she had to give him credit, he'd managed to time it in one of the rare quiet breaks on the battlestar.

Ten to fifteen minutes into the watch meant that those on shift were just getting settled at their stations and going over the work ahead of them, no one was running errands or moving about the ship yet. And those off shift were either in their racks, the showers or the mess and, again, not milling about in the causeways. Either way, most of the ship's crew was otherwise engaged giving the two of them lots of room to move around without bumping into anyone or having to stop for greetings and well-wishes. Kara hadn't been looking forward to the overflow of sympathy and pity but the whole point of this excursion was to get out and break up the mind-numbing boredom of sitting in her room for the past two weeks and since it looked like Lee had planned their little walk to avoid chance encounters with anyone along their way, she'd just have to go where the people were on her own. The idea of seeing everyone again left a tight curl of dread in her gut but she ignored it, excusing it as nothing more than a recent lack of socializing and worry over getting back into the rhythm of things without having to answer a million questions about her accident. Mentally shaking her head and dismissing her worries, Kara strode on confidently.

A few minutes later Lee looked up and finally realized where Kara was headed, _Frak._

"So, time to start heading back soon," he said, glancing at her face to gauge her response.

She just rolled her eyes, "Cottle said no more than ten minutes on my feet, he didn't say how long we could be out."

"Kara…"

"Come on Lee, I've been stuck in that stupid room for weeks! We'll just stop in at the rec room and see who's around. We won't stay long, okay?"

"Fine," he said grudgingly. The excitement in her eyes made it impossible to refuse her. He tried to calm down, knowing Kara could read him like a book, _nothing to worry about, Lee._ _Everyone knows what happened but they know they're not supposed to talk about it with her,_ he reassured himself, _they're not total idiots._ Still, his nerves hummed. _It's just because it's her first time out,_ he explained to himself,_ that's why I'm nervous. It has to happen sometime, you can't keep her locked up in the isolation room forever. Everything's going to be fine and it will be good for Kara to see some of the other pilots. _

She'd had a few visitors during her recovery, but on the advice of Dr. Stofa they'd kept the list limited to a small number of her crewmates, blaming Cottle's strict regulations and his concern over her condition. Lee got the feeling that Kara didn't really buy it but she hadn't protested too much so he figured it she wasn't really into seeing everyone anyway. Today, however, she was obviously excited to see people and enjoy her first furlough from the Life Station.

They stepped into the pilots' rec room and Lee's first thought was one of relief. There were only a handful of his men there, a small group playing triad at a table next to the hatch and a couple of new recruits sitting in the back corner pouring over a dog-eared flight manual.

"Holy shit!" Kat's voice cut through the subdued atmosphere. "If it isn't the long lost hotshot herself!"

Lee tensed at her words but the other card players looked up excitedly and Kara grinned from ear to ear as she closed the short distance to where her fellow pilots sat. Kat smiled and clapped Kara on her shoulder as she offered her once rival her chair. Lee ordered himself to relax as Kara joined their table.

Once Kat had dragged over another chair and everyone was done greeting her, the awkward silence left Kara squirming.

"So, new player gets the deal, right?" she asked, reaching for the cards. 'Hotdog, please tell me that you've finally learned how to bluff and that I'm not going to walk away feeling bad for taking your next three paycheques with me?"

"Of course!" the rookie sat back in his chair and gazed at her calmly.

"I guess that answers my question," Kara quipped, "but I can deal with guilt!"

Everyone laughed and the game picked back up. Trying not to hover, Lee was relieved when Dee came in and joined them at the table.

"Hey Starbuck, good to see you up and about!" she said.

"Hey Dee, it's good to be up and about," Kara grinned. Dee had been one of her more regular visitors and they'd developed a friendship when Kara had found out the Petty Officer had a passion for literature and poetry and had an extensive, if secret, collection of classic volumes stashed in her locker.

"Captain, do you have a minute?" Dee asked, looking up at Lee earnestly. "The Acting Commander needs you to sign off on a few things before next watch."

"Uhm," Lee looked at Kara anxiously.

"I'll be fine, Apollo," Kara offered without even having to turn and see the tension in his face, "It's only been like ten minutes. Go do your CAG stuff then come back and get me. You'll have me back in bed safe and sound before Cottle even thinks to look at the clock."

"You sure?" Lee asked cautiously.

"Of course," Kara replied. _No!_ The voice in her head cried. She ignored it and glanced around the table at the other pilots who were waiting to see if she needed her wetnurse to follow her around. "The chance of Cylon attack in the rec room is pretty minimal, I think. And I promise to behave and wait here until you get back."

She turned then and looked at him. He couldn't read her expression but he knew Kara and knew she'd eat nails before admitting to weakness in front of others. _Frak!_ His hands were tied. He hated to leave her here but if he stayed he'd be sending a loud and clear message that she couldn't handle things on her own.

"I'll just be gone a minute," he said. His eyes locked on hers. _I'll be right back, Kara, just hang in until I get back okay? I promise I won't be long!_ "Don't do anything stupid, I'll be right back."

She watched his eyes for a moment before nodding once and then rolling her eyes for effect, "Yes Mommy, I promise to be a good girl and play nice with the other kiddies until you get back."

"Just a couple of minutes then we have to get you back," he admonished, ignoring her tone and taking no small amount of joy in the genuine happiness he saw in her grin as she turned back to the table. He patted her shoulder companionably, so used to it he barely even noticed her flinch now, before following Dee out of the room.

A few minutes later the general peace of the rec room was disrupted by a jubilant cry. "That's it! You're mine, Bitch, and I'm gonna make you cry!" Hotdog shouted as he threw his cards down on the table after an especially tense round of betting and stabbed his finger at another pilot who was playing with them.

The table went silent. Kat reached over and kicked Hotdog sharply under the table.

"Ow! What?" he cried.

Kara felt the change in the air instantly but was looking at the cards on the table so it was a split-second before she processed what Hotdog had said. Then she heard another voice echoing in her ear, 'y_ou're mine now… I'm gonna make you scream…'_ and the room spun around her.

She couldn't breathe.

She couldn't think.

_Run. Hide. Get the frak out of here!_

Before she realized what she was doing, she'd grabbed her crutches and lurched out the door.

Everyone sitting around the table stared at each other.

"Shit! I wasn't think _that_!" Hotdog cried. "Should I go after her and apologize?"

Kat shook her head vehemently, "No way! You know Starbuck, leave her alone to deal with it and don't bring it up again unless she mentions it first. Get it?"

Hotdog nodded miserably, "I'm so stupid!" He rapped himself on the head with his own knuckles.

"What'd you do this time, Costanza?" asked an amused voice from the doorway. "Wait, where's Kara?" Lee stood still staring at her empty seat.

"She took off," Kat said. "Hotdog said something stupid about Jonez being his bitch and she freaked."

"WHAT?" Lee stared at the miserable pilot in horror.

"I didn't mean to, it just slipped out, I didn't mean _that_," he stammered.

"Frak me!" Lee cursed as he dashed out of the room.

He paused in the hallway to listen for the steady thump-step of Kara's crutches and debated whether he should take the time to call for Dr. Stoffa now or just get to Kara as quickly as he could. He thought he heard something to his left and any thought other than finding Kara fled from his mind as he tore off down the hallway.

An agonizing handful of moments later, he caught sight of her down a side hallway and he started breathing again. A step closer and the sound of hitching sobs slid through him like an icy knife. He slowed his steps, suddenly uncertain of what to do. He'd been so desperate to find her, to make sure she was okay, he had no idea what to do now that he'd found her.

Stoffa had been clear that they should continue letting Kara come back to her memories at her own pace. She still awoke screaming every night but she never talked about it, never appeared to remember her dreams. It was their tacit agreement that the cold sweats, the crying and the shuddering terror didn't exist beyond the warm huddle they made on her bed in the semi-dark of the artificial night. She never mentioned it and he never brought it up. Nighttime Kara let him hold her, comfort her, and soothe her in a way daytime Kara never would. Daytime Kara would have laughed in his face or punched him, or both, if he ever even considered wrapping her in his arms and crooning to her the way he did when she collapsed shaking against him after one of her horrific dreams. To daytime Kara, nighttime Kara didn't exist. And because Lee knew how desperately she needed to maintain both sides of their relationship, he never challenged its duality.

For weeks they'd carried on like that. During the day they were their old selves, friends and rivals, colleagues and crewmates, who enjoyed teasing each other just as much as they enjoyed spending time together. They played cards with Helo, chatted with Dee and argued historic military strategy with his father. At night, however, everything else disappeared and it was just Kara and Lee wrapped up in their own personal battle against the darkness that beat itself against their souls. Even then they didn't talk much but every embrace, every tear kissed away, every murmur of comfort, wound around them closer and tighter, building up the wall between them and It.

But now here he was, here It was, in the middle of the day. _Gods, what do I do?_ Lee begged silently. Since the gods offered no sign that they had any better idea as to how to handle the situation, Lee approached Kara cautiously, trying to get a look at her face.

Footsteps broke through Kara's choking panic with a sharp spike of fear. Their echo cut through the roaring in her ears that had muffled out all other the sounds of the world around her.

_No!_

Her head whipped around before she even realized she didn't know what it was she was so afraid of. Her clumsy and distracted limbs bungled the crutches and she felt herself start to topple to one side. Strong hands reached out and caught her, sending a fresh wave of metallic terror skittering up her spine.

_No! Gods, please no!_

"Kara!"

Someone was calling her name urgently. Someone was shaking her gently.

Someone was staring at her intently. Someone had clear blue eyes. She stopped struggling.

"Lee?" her voice sounded small and far away.

And suddenly, there he was, standing right in front of her, his eyes searching hers anxiously. The haze around her faded and she found herself standing in one of Galactica's familiar side causeways. She felt something loosen in her chest and felt herself start to tremble. "Lee, I…" The panic receded, leaving her confused and disoriented.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a hushed voice.

She nodded absently, taking stock of herself and trying to put the pieces of what just happened back together. She'd been out walking with Lee, then playing cards in the rec room and now here… _No, there's something missing there._

"No… I don't know."

She looked up at him, her brow furrowed, until Lee felt, rather than saw, the change come over her.

"Lee," her voice choked in her throat as tears sprang into her eyes. "No, I'm not okay. I need," she held back a sob, "I need you to tell me."

"What do you mean? Tell you what?"

"Please Lee," she clamped her mouth shut as sobs shook through her chest.

Watching Kara crumble before his eyes Lee didn't know what to do but hearing someone approaching down the main hall, he realized he had to get her someone private. She might not care now but Kara would kill him later if she had a meltdown in front of anyone but him. Looking up in desperation, he recognized the doorway on his left with relief.

"Okay, shhhh, it's okay, let's just go in here, okay?" He grabbed her crutches and slung her arm over his shoulder before he half-led, half carried her to the door and into the observation lounge, carefully shutting the hatch behind them.

"Lee, please!" Kara turned to face him. The sobs were under control now but even in the half-light of the empty room Lee could see that her eyes were still dark and stormy.

"Please what? What are you asking me, Kara?"

"I need to know what happened," she glared at him as whispered half-memories flickered at the edge of her mind.

"What happened just now? I don't really know, you were playing cards and apparently Hotdog said something that upset you and-"

"No! Damn it, you know what I mean. I need to know what happened before, what happened in the crash!"

"Kara, I-" Lee shook his head, stalling and trying to figure out a way around what she was asking him to do without actually refusing her.

"Please, Lee," she said, her voice low and desperate, "I need to know. I need to know what really happened."

Voices jumbled in her head and she almost caught hold of one but then it was gone, sliding away and leaving only a vague trace it ever existed. Like trying to remember a dream, the more she tried to think about it, the more she tried to grab hold of one memory, the more it all slipped away. She gritted her teeth in frustration.

"Kara, we've been through this," he begged.

"No, Lee. We haven't." She shook her head and turned away, hop-stepping a few paces. She stared out the large viewing windows without seeing anything. Her voice was thick and she willed herself to stop shaking, "We never really talk about it. No one talks about it but me."

There was a darkness here and she knew she was treading a fine line along its edge but she needed to know. She had to face it and put an end, one way or another, to the half thoughts and almost-remembered flashes she'd done her best to ignore all this time.

"No one talks about that day, no one talks about the blackbird, the damage to the deck or even how Helo messed up his leg so bad. No one talks about what I did or how it happened. No one's explained why I'm still seeing that frakking shrink three weeks after the accident. No one's told me how I ended up spending six weeks in a coma," she turned to face him now.

She needed to see him, to hang on to the image of him, as the darkness loomed. Her palms were sweaty and there was a large boulder suddenly sitting on her chest but she knew that she needed to try. She'd let the darkness take her, if it meant she could stop running.

He crossed the short distance between them, reaching out to put a hand on her arm, "Kara, let's just get you back-"

"No!" she pulled out of his grasp angrily, "No, Lee! You're not putting this off and you're not changing the subject. I know something's going on and I have a right to know what happened to me!" she glared at him.

The fury in her eyes had him putting his hands up and taking a step back.

"I have a right to know _why_ I wake up screaming every frakking night, Lee! I have a right to know why my heart starts pounding like a race horse when I hear footsteps in the hallway and why I jump a mile high when someone drops so much as a book on the floor. I need to-" her voice broke along with his heart as Lee watched the misery climb up and envelope her, "I _need_ to know why I have a constant urge to look over my shoulder, even when I know we're alone in my room. I need to know why Cottle looks at me the way he does, like he wants to wrap me up and take me home like a lost puppy at the pound," she wrapped her arms around her chest, desperately trying to hold on to some kind of control. "I need to know why I have this feeling that something's coming after me, that something's chasing me all the time and why I hate the idea of being alone even for just a minute. And I need," tears slid down her face as she cocked her head to stare at him, "I need to know why you can't bear to touch me, why you have to brace yourself just to put your hand on my shoulder."

Her mouth twisted and her lower lip trembled, "What did I do Lee? What did I do that's so horrible you can't stand to touch me? What did I do that was so bad that I'm walking around terrified all the time?? _What did I do, Lee? WHAT DID I DO??"_ her voice rose almost to a shout.

"Oh, Kara. I-" he shook his head trying to think, trying to push past the fear and anger and guilt that warred within him. "You didn't do anything. You didn't do anything wrong," he managed as he struggled to keep from crying himself.

"Then what happened??" she begged him desperately. "I'm walking around scared out of my frakking wits but no one will tell me why!!"

Lee knew exactly how hard it was for Kara to admit that and exactly how desperate she must be to have done so. He had to do something. "Kara," he reached out again, needing to touch her, to calm her somehow. He stroked his hands up her arms. "Let's get back and call Stoffa and-"

"Lee," she looked up at him, her tortured eyes boring into his, "please, Lee. It's killing me. It's killing me to be _this_ scared all the time. I can't get away from it and I can't take it any more, please," she whispered on the verge of sobbing, "just tell me, Lee. Please."

Lee froze as he stared down at her. Kara felt the darkness breathing down her neck and it took all the strength she had not to just give up, bury her face in Lee's chest and let him sweep it all back under the rug again. She watched as his eyes filled with tears and held his gaze as anguish washed over his face.

"Kara, you didn't crash," he whispered almost apologetically, pressing his lips together as if he hadn't meant for the words to slip between them.

_Someone was grinning down at her… A voice was laughing at her tears…_

"That night, we took out most of the raiders but you got pulled into the retreat jump of one and…" Lee swallowed, finding strength in the deep green of her eyes.

_She was hungry, so hungry… it hurt… the man was laughing again… it really hurt…_

"And you were lost…"

_There was someone in her cell… she could hear him breathing…_

"But you went back to Kobol and found the Astral Queen…"

_Oh gods, no! Someone was on top of her, holding her down... NO!!!_

"And Zarek and his men-" Lee's voice cracked. He stared down in horror as her face crumpled.

"No!" she hissed as she pulled back from him.

"Kara, wait, it's okay. It's over. You're here now."

'_You're here now' the voice growled, 'you're mine now and you're gonna beg for mercy before I'm through with you, bitch!'_

Kara felt vomit rising in her throat, "NO!" She shook her head, pulling away from him and hobbling backwards, "No. No, it didn't happen. It didn't happen," she whispered desperately.

_Oh gods, _Lee thought frantically,_ what have I done! _Panic rose in his chest, his thoughts raced. _What do I do?_

"Kara, wait-" He reached for her and couldn't stop the sob from breaking through his lips when she flinched away from him. Going on instinct, he stepped forward anyway and placed his hands gently on her arms. Kara looked up at him with a blank stare, her body was shaking under his hands, her face ashen.

_Pain, fear, hunger… Gods, it smells... The door's opening! NO! No more! Please!... The belt, not again!… So tired, so sick… Hands grabbing at her, voices taunting her… Not my hand!... Not my eyes!!... NO! HELP ME!... LEE!!!_

"No, no," she shook her head blindly. She whispered more to herself than to Lee, "It didn't happen, I wouldn't have let that happen." Her fists clenched at her sides, "No, it's not possible, I wouldn't have let that happen."

He cupped her face in his hands, "Kara!" His voice was rough with tears, "Kara! Hey!" He moved his face into her eye line. "Hey Kara! Listen, it's okay. It happened but it's over. You're here, you're home. You're safe with me, Kara. Come back to me now," he begged as she flinched and shook. "It's okay, you're okay. You're home safe now, Kara. It's me, Lee," she finally held still, her eyes drifted back to his. He offered the best reassuring smile he could muster. "It's okay. It's over now," he murmured earnestly.

Her eyes filled with despair so deep it tore at his heart.

"No, Lee. It's not. It's not over," tears streamed down her cheeks. "It'll never be over. He's still here. All this time, he's been in my head. It'll never be over 'cause I can still hear him." Her voice dropped, "I can still feel him," she whispered darkly, her eyes begging him for help. Begging him to do something, anything. "He's still here because I let it happen, I let them get away with that."

"What?? Kara, of course you didn't. You didn't _let_ them do anything," his voice shook with disbelief. Of all the topics he imagined would come up in this conversation, this was not one of them.

Kara stepped back away from him, swaying a little on her good leg but standing firm, "I didn't stop them. I put up with it for six weeks."

"How could you have stopped an entire ship full of men?" Lee couldn't understand what he was hearing.

"I could have taken myself out of the equation," she said flatly.

The hard and bitter sheen in her eyes turned his blood into streams of ice.

"What? Kara, what do you mean? You mean you wish you'd-"

Her eyes flashed up to his, defiance, grief, rage and disgust flickering in their depths, "Do I mean that I wish I'd died rather than go through all that? Why not? So what if I did, Lee? So what if I had done myself and ended it? If I'd been stronger I would have stopped them. I could have stopped it, at least."

"No, Kara, no! You _were_ strong, you fought them the whole way through it!"

She turned her face away, shaking her head in disagreement.

"Yes. You did. You were fighting right up until Helo got to you. You were! You never gave up and you never gave in. You never let them win!"

"I did Lee. I let them win by staying there. I was too weak to end it and I let them win," the utter despair and shame in her voice almost sent him to his knees.

"No, no, you didn't. Kara, you held on until we got to you. You never gave up hope and you never gave up the fight. I saw you, I saw you there and you were still fighting, you weren't weak. It must have taken more strength than I can even imagine to keep fighting them, to not give up all that time, but you did it. Kara, I know it's a lot to deal with right now but trust me, you don't really wish you'd- you'd died!" He knew she wasn't hearing him but he had to make her see, to make her understand. If he didn't, he didn't know what would happen but he knew it wouldn't be good.

"How do you know what I wish? How the _frak_ do you know anything about me _or_ what I went through, Lee?" her eyes bored into his as she hobbled back towards him aggressively, "I promised myself years ago that I would never be in that situation again, that I _would_ rather die than live like that again. I promised myself that I would be strong enough to get out anyway I could. But now, here we are," she flung her arms out, her voice rising, "and wussy little Kara Thrace let herself get stuck in exactly the same kind of situation. Let herself get locked up and-" the sob slipped out before she could stop it. She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, desperately trying to hold back the shuddering gasps.

Lee didn't know what to say to the helpless woman standing in front of him. How could he tell her it would be okay? How could make her feel better when he knew he there was nothing he could do to take this pain away. What do you say when there is nothing to say?

"Kara, I-"

"NO!" she shouted, giving him a hard shove in the chest with both her hands. "NO! YOU don't get to say anything, Lee! You don't know! You don't know what it was like and you don't know how it feels so _YOU DON'T GET TO SAY ANY-FRAKKING-THING!_" she followed him, limping, shoving at his chest for emphasis. "_YOU LIED TO ME!_" she cried. "You didn't tell me! You keep it all a _frakking_ secret! _But I KNEW IT! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG!_" She swung and her fist connected with his jaw. He did nothing to stop that blow or the next. "You pretended everything was fine _LEE!_ And you didn't tell _ME!_" She was sobbing and swinging at him, her voice shrill and cracking. "You didn't tell me! You didn't tell me! _You didn't tell me! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!_ _YOUDIDN'TTELLMEYOUDIDN'TTELLMEYOUDIDNNNNNTT…_" she dissolved into wordless cries as she struck out at him until finally, her arms slowed and she collapsed. Lee quickly stepped in, catching her as she fell, and lowered them both to the floor. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap, rocking her gently.

"Shhh," he murmured. "Shhh, Kara, hush now. It's okay. It's okay, I've got you."

She sagged against his chest. "Why didn't you tell me, Lee?" she sobbed hoarsely.

"It's all been so crazy, Kara. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt you. I just-"

He looked down at her, his mind empty, his heart overflowing. He pulled her close, tucking her against his chest, and murmured into her hair, "I don't know, the doctor said it was best and I was so scared, so afraid I'd hurt you even more if I did- I didn't know- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Her slight frame shook with violent sobs. He tightened his hold on her and automatically slipped into the soothing croon he'd gotten used to using to lull them both back to sleep, murmuring anything that came to his mind, "Father Zeus and brother Apollo, grant us your grace this day." He barely noticed Kara muttering along with him, "Shelter us with your love and lead us with your wisdom. Forgive us our failures and celebrate with us our victories. Protect us from evil and heal our wounds. Feed us and guide us and grant us peace. So say we all."

Lee sat with Kara in the middle of the large empty room, rocking her and doing his best to absorb her sobs. He sat there, curled on the cold floor with her sobbing against him, and felt a wave of relief wash over him. _At least now it's over,_ he thought as he realized that whatever pain this episode had brought, at least the wait for Kara to remember was over. What they were going to do now, he had no idea, but at least the waiting was over.

Lee sighed and wrapped his arms a little tighter around Kara. Gradually, her sobs lessened from violent bursts to a gentle rhythm and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, content to sit there all day if she needed him to. As he looked up and gazed out at the stars they both loved so dearly he could have sworn he felt a fresh breeze carrying a familiar floral scent drift briefly across his face.

* * *

_Whew, so there you have it, I finally got back to the heart of the angst. How was it? To tell you the truth, I was really nervous about posting this chapter. I didn't want to say anything in the introduction and spoil it but after all that build up, I really, **really**, didn't want to let you guys down. This is where the whole story's been leading and it's kind of hard to commit, write and publish it when there's always a lot of different ways to go with everything. Plus, it's not easy stuff to write about and it's tricky to write Kara and Lee being openly vulnerable since it's not usually part of their characters._

_So anyway, it is what it is and I'm dying for some feedback!! I really want you to be absolutely **brutally** honest with me. Really and truly, channel your inner Starbuck and lemmie have it, no holds barred. I have no problem pulling it down and re-writing it if it's not up to snuff and I'd rather know it wasn't good enough and have the chance to fix it than move on and have the whole story lessened by this piece._

_As always, thanks for reading, hope to hear from you soon!_

_-Pru_


	22. Chapter 22

_A/N: Hey gang, thanks for sticking around! Not much to say other than, as always, I really hope you enjoy this chapter._

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**Chapter 22**

Bill leaned back in his seat and sighed. It was good to be home. Cottle had insisted he check in at the Life Station every day and he was still banned from active duty but at least he got to sleep in his own bed and was allowed back in his uniform. With Kara on the mend, Lee getting back to work and life in the fleet moving on as normal, one could almost forget the dark days they'd all suffered through.

Glancing over the reports in his hand, Bill smiled. The fleet was running smoothly, or as smoothly as it ever had, and it looked like they were relatively well situated for supplies for the time being. The domestic stability coupled with the fact that they hadn't had any Cylon contact in the past week or so meant that the Commander had time to reflect and consider his next steps.

Flipping through the uneventful CAP logs, Adama gave thanks for Gaeta's brilliant find of the magnetic asteroid belt. They hadn't been sure it would do anything and, in fact, still didn't fully understand how it worked but something in the field around the belt seemed to be blocking out whatever technology the toasters used to track down the fleet, giving them a much needed holiday from the constant attacks. In exchange for the relative safety of the field they had to put up with the loss of long-range dradis capabilities but it seemed like a decent trade-off when one considered how long they'd been running without anything resembling a break. Still, Tigh made sure the CAP was flying double birds and every ship in the fleet was ready to jump away at the first sign of trouble.

Bill was signing his way through a stack of long overdue, and more than well earned, leave requests when there was a knock at his door.

"Come!"

Acting Commander Tigh strode into the small living area and dropped with a groan into the armchair.

"Long day, Saul?" Bill asked with a knowing smile. He automatically reached across the table and poured the other man a large tumbler of dark amber moonshine.

"You said it," Tigh accepted the glass with a grateful nod.

"How are the training flights working out?"

Tigh shrugged, "You know how it is with nuggets. Throw something new at them, half of 'em step up and amaze you, half of 'em freeze up and cry for their mamas." He took a long sip and smacked his lips appreciatively.

Bill chuckled and nodded, "anyone particularly worrying?"

"Nah, they're solid kids. They're just green as all Hades, and young too. My gods, Bill, looking at their faces during the briefing, I swear most of 'em barely even shave yet."

"They're not young, Saul, we're just getting old."

Tigh grinned over his glass, "Speak for yourself, old man."

They lapsed into companionable silence while Bill worked his way through the last few papers in the stack on the table in front of him.

As Bill sat back with his own drink, Tigh leaned forward, "So, ready for an update on the monster?"

"Saul," Bill chided gently, shaking his head at his second in command's use of the nickname the crew had given Zarek.

Tigh shrugged carelessly and continued, "Looks like Cottle was right after all, he started making sense this afternoon."

Bill's mind automatically flashed back to the day they'd brought Zarek back on board the Galactica.

The day after they'd rescued Kara he and Saul had decided to transfer Zarek to their brig while leaving the rest of the men of the Astral Queen locked up in the cells on their own ship. He'd dressed in uniform for the first time in weeks and left the Life Station against Cottle's orders. It was his ship and he'd be damned if that creature was coming aboard without knowing exactly who was in charge. He'd watched as the marines pulled a shackled and wild figure out of the raptor and literally done a double take when he realized the crazed and howling man was Tom Zarek.

Zarek had babbled on and on about his rights and demanded that he be returned to Saggitaron for his trial as he was dragged across the flight deck to where the Commander stood. Bill had stared into the other man's eyes but found nothing of the intelligent, if immoral, adversary he'd once confronted. Taken aback by the change, he'd quickly realized that talking to Zarek was pointless until he calmed down. The marines had dragged him off to the brig while he followed close behind.

He'd been waiting for that moment, looking forward to having the chance to confront Zarek face to face, but the man who had come off that raptor was nothing like what he'd expected. Was this a trick? Was Zarek merely trying to lay the groundwork for an insanity plea? Locked in his cell in the brig, Zarek continued shouting and demanding to speak to 'the people'. Adama had asked Sgt. Gekio, who had led the marines in their recapturing of the Queen, to join him in the corridor.

The sergeant had had no idea what was wrong with Zarek. Following orders to bring Zarek back alive if at all possible, the marines had taken their time and executed a strategic on-board offensive against the men of the Astral Queen after Helo had safely jumped away with Kara. When they found Zarek he'd been holed up in what appeared to be his quarters and while he resisted their arrest, he'd been unarmed and made no serious attempt to flee. Gekio said he'd been babbling like that the whole time.

Adama had sent Gekio into the cell and after an hour of interrogation, there was no change. Adama's hands had itched to join the marine in the cell but the ache in his chest brought on by just the emotional stress of the day had held him in check. It hadn't been easy but he'd comforted himself with the knowledge that Zarek wasn't going anywhere and he himself was getting stronger by the day.

His time with Zarek would come.

"Bill?" Tigh's voice pulled him out of his reverie. Adama tugged his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"So what's happening with him now? Cottle was right?"

"It appears so. On my way here, one of his guards found me and said that Zarek had spent the entire day in silence until about an hour ago when he calmly asked if he could speak to you, President Roslin, or Apollo."

Bill's face darkened, "So, whatever it was that he took has washed out of his system now?"

"I guess," Tigh shrugged, "I'm no expert but it looks like that detoxification-psychosis-mumbojumbo that the doc was talking about has run its course."

The Commander stared straight ahead, his lips pursed in a tight line.

"You wanna go see him, Commander?"

Bill shook his head slowly, "No, not tonight. Let him stew a little, let him sweat." His eyes cut over to his friend, his voice a low rumble, "Tell the marines that they are not, under any circumstance, to speak with him about anything. Not one word."

Tigh nodded, "And the President? You know she's gonna want-"

"I'll speak with the President in the morning," Bill said quietly.

Comfortable with having a CO to take firm control of the matter, Tigh leaned back and took another sip of his drink, "You should have seen the green faces when we finally let the nuggets back on board after their G-force runs, I would not have volunteered for that cleaning and maintenance shift for all the cubits in the worlds."

Bill grinned absently, acknowledging his old friend's attempt to lighten the mood, but his thoughts were racing ahead to the next day, to his long awaited confrontation with a sober and coherent Tom Zarek.

*** * ***

Eventually Kara's sobs slowed and petered out. Not ready to let go of her and suddenly unsure of how to handle the situation, Lee kept quiet. Gradually, her head dropped against his chest and he realized Kara had fallen asleep. _Cried herself out,_ he thought with some relief as he tightened his grip on her slack body and settled in to wait out her nap.

A little while later Lee's silent stargazing was interrupted by a quiet whimper as Kara shifted slightly in his arms and he suddenly thought of the time. _Frak, how long has it been? Her meds are probably wearing off by now,_ Lee thought in a panic. He looked down at her face. She still looked peaceful enough and her breathing hadn't changed. Yet.

Cursing silently, he realized that their little pocket of time was drawing to a close. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Kara's head. _Please let her be okay,_ Lee begged to no one in particular,_ please let this meltdown be the worst of it and let her move on from here._ He knew there was little chance his prayers would be answered, that they both had a long and hard road ahead of them, but he couldn't help wishing it anyway.

Lee heaved a resigned sigh and, moving cautiously, managed to shift Kara's weight onto the floor so that he could get his feet under him. Despite his attempt to move her gently, his breath caught when she whimpered again as he stood and lifted her, still cradled against his chest.

"Easy now," he soothed quietly, "it's okay."

He crossed to the hatch and was trying to figure out how to open it with his hands full when a small noise interrupted his thoughts,

"Lee?" he almost didn't hear her whisper.

"Yeah Kara?"

"I… uhm…," she paused. "Nevermind…," her sleepy voice trailed off uncertainly.

Lee smiled to himself. "You're welcome Kara," he said quietly, smiling down at her.

He caught sight of a flicker of a grin as she nestled into his chest and went back to sleep. Smiling to himself, he managed to swing the hatch release with his elbow and reluctantly bid farewell to the respite of the silent gallery.

* * *

The pain came first. A dull ache accentuated by flares in her chest and knee, it drew her stubbornly from the comfortable and empty sleep. Kara groaned and nuzzled deeper into her pillow. Her pillow that was surprisingly firm. Cracking one eye, she realized it was also covered in regulation uniform fabric. She smelled him before her sleep-fogged brain put it together.

_Lee_.

She nestled closer. She knew it would get a whole lot worse but for now, she was able to block out the pain in her chest and knee with practiced ease. Pain was something she could manage.

Something important was tugging at the back of her mind but she paid it no heed and tried to will herself back to sleep. The something loomed, shadowy and menacing, and would not be put off.

_Frak,_ she thought groggily, _what did I forget to do this time? Is Lee mad about something? What did I say?_... her thoughts wandered, still half-lost in her dreams, as she reluctantly began to give up the battle to stay asleep.

It hit her like an uppercut to the gut. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. She couldn't-

"Kara?" Lee's worried voice cut through the storm of images and memories. He'd felt her start to stir and then suddenly go poker stiff, shattering all hope he had that she would wake slowly and have a minute to collect herself before remembering it all once again.

"Kara? Hey, it's okay. It's all right. You're safe now. Kara?"

She couldn't help it, her eyes flew open, searching for his. Searching for something to hold onto, something to anchor her, while the swirling torrent of emotions and memories washed over her. She found him, staring down at her anxiously.

She held him in her eyes, silently begging him not to let go as her world leapt and twisted into something dark and terrible. She held his gaze as she felt herself come back together. The fear, pain, shame and anger, they were all still there but as long as she stared at him, she could keep her head above water. As long as he held on to her, it couldn't pull her under.

He smiled softly as he raised a gentle hand to cup her face and she felt herself relax as he stroked a callused thumb over her cheek. A gentle tug pulled at her heart as she stared up into his reassuring eyes. She felt so comfortable, so safe, she almost forgot everything she'd remembered in the viewing lounge. But then it came slamming home with a vengeance, shattering her illusions into a billion sparkling fragments.

_Give it up, Thrace,_ she chided herself, _you know Lee, he's a sucker for a damsel in distress but that's all this is. Don't go losing yourself in some shiny happy daydream of 'ever after'._ She forced herself to remember just what had led to Lee tending to her and spending so much time with her recently. Her skin crawled at the memories and she steeled herself for what she knew had to happen now.

_Why would a guy like Adama tie himself to a frak-up like you? He's sticking around 'cause he's too noble to cut and run right away but don't kid yourself, he's not in this for the long haul. You've seen the look on his face when he touches you, he can barely bring himself to put his hand on your cheek, do you really think he could be interested in you now?_

She wanted nothing more than to ignore that voice, to curl up in his arms and be soothed and comforted but she couldn't. Not now. Not now that she knew what was going on, what had happened. When it was all still a mystery, when she could let herself believe that maybe it was just a bad crash, she could indulge her instincts and let him take care of her but now that she knew the truth, now that she knew what she had done, she couldn't let it go on.

She had to be the one responsible for taking care of herself.

She breathed. Slow and steady. _Get yourself together Starbuck,_ she ordered firmly, refusing to let her mind drift into the dangerous stream of memories. Keeping a firm grip on the present, she managed a half grin that she hoped would keep Lee from leaping into his overprotective mode.

Forgetting all kinds of pain and faking her way through everyday life was a skill she perfected long ago and she slipped into her old habits quickly, "Well, can't say my first day out was as uneventful as you hoped it would be, eh, Apollo?" she joked.

Lee shook his head soberly, "Not exactly, no."

He recognized the firmly nonchalant look on her face and while part of him sighed with relief that she at least seemed to be handling it okay, a small voice reminded him that where Kara was concerned, what you saw on the surface usually wasn't anything close to what was going on inside her head.

Kara knew Lee and knew that this wasn't going to be easy. So she acted on instinct, stretching lazily and using it as an excuse to pull herself out of his arms. She tried not to flinch when her chest cried out in protest at the sudden movement.

"So, you gonna get all heavy and serious on me now or can I get something to eat before you insist we talk everything to death?"

"Kara, I-" Lee didn't know where to start. He wished he'd been able to talk to Dr. Stoffa while Kara slept but she'd clung to him when he laid her down on the bed and he hadn't had the heart to leave her alone even for a few minutes.

"Come on, Lee. Do we really need to talk about this? I mean, I know I freaked out a little there but I'm fine, really. It's not that big a deal, you know?"

Lee had known it was coming but still, watching Kara retreating behind that familiar wall hurt. It hurt like hell, and not just because he'd secretly hoped she'd trust him enough to not need it anymore, but also because he knew the broken and vulnerable woman who'd collapsed in the viewing lounge was still in there somewhere, alone and hurting.

"Kara, it is a big deal," he said softly, turning onto his side to look at her.

She all but flinched away from him completely and tried to cover with a smirk, "Whatever. I mean yeah, it sucked and I was definitely the worse for wear there for a little while but I'm on the mend and I'll be up and back on duty before long. The bum leg might keep me out of my bird for a while but I can help out on the deck or with training exercises over the comm."

"Kara, I'm not just talking about the physical harm, here," Lee groped for inspiration, for some idea of what to do. Buying himself some time, he got up and sat on the side of the bed, facing her squarely. He sat in silence, staring at her stubbornly even though she refused to meet his eyes.

"What?" she finally said in exasperation, her eyes darting up to his hesitantly.

"You know what."

"Oh right, I do. 'What' is you trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill."

"Kara I-"

"Come on, Lee. It's not like I was some vestal virgin or anything. I mean, what's a few more guys added to the list, right?"

Lee stared at her in shock.

"So Lieutenant-'the-town-bicycle'-Thrace got more than she bargained for from the inmates of the fleet. So what?" she shrugged. "Sounds almost like a porn flick, doesn't it? Promiscuous officer gets taught a lesson by a ship full of horny criminals," she forced a laugh, her eyes dark and challenging.

He'd expected her to pull away, to freeze him out or maybe even strike out at him but the thought of her excusing or playing down what those monsters did to her because of her sexual history had never even occurred to him.

"Kara, don't-"

"Don't what, Lee? Don't move on? Don't call it like it is? You mean it never crossed your mind?"

"What?? Of course not!"

Kara scoffed, "It's not like it's the end of the world or anything."

"Kara, what are you saying?? How could you think I would-Gods, this… What happened to you was… I-It's _not_ nothing, Kara. And it has _nothing_ to do with how many guys you slept with in the past. One has nothing to do with the other for _frakk's sake_!" Lee tried to keep the shock and frustration out of his voice but failed miserably.

"Whatever, Lee." She looked away from him and absently twiddled with the edge of the sheet.

"No, Kara," he stared at her, shaking his head slowly as he ducked his head to put himself in her eye line, "I'm not going to let you do this. I'm not going to let you blow this off. Not this time."

He waited. She ignored him.

Kara watched out of the corner of her eye as Lee sagged visibly. For a brief second, all she wanted was to beg his forgiveness: to let go and sob in his arms once again; to feel safe and warm and protected; to let Lee take care of her. Looking away, she slid up to sit with her back against the pillows, her arms crossed firmly across her chest. The physical pain was building and she used it to give her strength, to fuel the anger she needed to lean on as she pushed him away.

"Kara?" his voice was soft, the pain in it cutting through the numbness she'd managed to tug around herself.

"What do you want me to say, Lee?" she snapped viciously, her eyes flashing up to blaze at him. "You want me to break down sobbing about how awful it was? You want me to go all soft and girly in your arms so you can rub my back and make it all go away? Well you can take that idea and shove it up your ass sideways! It was what it was and I did what I did and that's that."

"This isn't about me and you know it," he retorted angrily, "and there's nothing soft and girly about being upset by something like this! You didn't do anything wrong, Kara."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were there on the Astral Queen, Adama," her eyes went wide with feigned innocence, "I didn't know you were right there with me the whole time and have a complete and accurate understanding of the whole situation-" she cocked her head and glared at him, "oh wait, you don't! You have no _frakking_ idea what happened or what I did or did not do!" she spat out.

"I know that nothing you did could have been bad enough to make you deserve what happened to you!" He was trying to stay calm but it was hard not to slip into old antagonistic patterns when Kara was like this.

"Did I say I _deserved_ any of this? No! I _said_ you didn't know frak," she jabbed him in the chest, "about frak." Jab. "I said that it is what it is and I made choices that I have to live with, that's all." Something flickered in the depths of the angry green pools boring into him.

"What do you mean? What choices??"

"I put up with it. I had a choice and I broke a promise and I let them carry on," she blinked and tossed the hair out of her eyes. "And it had nothing to do with you, Adama, so why don't you just lay the frak off?"

"Kara, come on. We've been through this." Without realizing it, Lee leaned in closer towards Kara, staring into her face with complete disbelief. "You don't really believe that, do you? You really think it would have been better if you'd-" he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"I really think it would be better if you'd mind your own frakking business, _Captain_," she stared at him coldly, the swirling battle of emotions suddenly vanishing from her eyes, her face studiously blank.

"Kara, I'm just trying to-"

Stare.

"C'mon, Starbuck! I'm-"

Stare.

Lee glared at her in disbelief. All this time, all these weeks, he'd known it would be tough but somehow he'd tricked himself into believing that she wouldn't do this, that she wouldn't turn away from him. He didn't know why he'd thought that, it's not like Kara ever dealt with personal stuff any other way, but he'd believed that this time would be different. He'd let himself believe that this time, it wouldn't tear him apart and he wouldn't have to stand there being pushed away while he watched her self-destruct on her own. A flare of anger lit his heart as the reality of his relationship with Kara hit home.

_Frakking Starbuck! Why can't you let me in!_ He cursed her silently. _Why does every-frakking-thing with you have to be so gods damn difficult! Why can't it be easier, just this one time? Just this once, can't you just let me help? Do you have to do everything ass-backward on your own? _

Lee took a deep breath, "Kara, listen to me-"

"No, Lee, you listen to me," she snapped. "I know you want to come waltzing in here and fix everything but it doesn't work that way, okay? This is the real world, Lee, and real shitty things happen here and there's nothing you can do about it!!"

"I'm not trying to fix everything, Kara!" He threw his hands up in exasperation. "I'm just trying to tell you-"

"Trying to tell me you know better? That once again, Apollo knows what needs to be done and if only stupid little Starbuck would follow his example, everything would be okay?"

"What?? No, that's not it at all!" Lee felt his control slipping as his voice rose to meet hers. This whole conversation was getting away from him but he couldn't seem to do anything about it.

"Isn't it? Weren't you going to tell me what I had to do to make it through this? How I should be dealing with it and what I can do to make it better?"

"No! I was trying to tell you I'm here with you and trying to help you!"

"How, Lee? Helping me by telling me how I feel, how I should think?"

"Kara, you're twisting this around," he fought back the frustration, struggled to keep his temper in check. "That's not what I was trying to do and you know it!"

"Do I Lee? Tell me, what else do I know?" she snapped sarcastically, practically shouting.

Lee shook his head, "I am trying to help you think this through!"

"Oh, is that how you deal with this kind of thing? You just think it through and 'poof'," she snapped her fingers in his face, "it's gone? Silly me, I thought that maybe this type of life altering event might just make a little more of an impression than that!"

Lee ground his teeth, "Kara, you're not making sense!"

"Yeah, well, try this on for size and see if it _makes sense_, Adama: _frak you!" _she shouted angrily. A fresh bloom of pain spread across her chest but Kara was damned if she'd let Lee see it. "I didn't ask for your help so why don't you frak off," she shoved at his chest impatiently, "and let me deal with things the way I deal with them?"

"Because the way you deal with things is to drink and frak and fight your way through them!" he shouted back in exasperation. Part of him cringed and begged him to stop but old habits died hard and he couldn't keep the wash of emotions from flooding out.

"So what, you're hanging around hoping to get some of that action?" her face twisted with rage and betrayal as she looked at him.

"What? No, Kara, I-" Lee spluttered, aghast at her accusation.

Kara winced internally. She knew Lee was trying to help, knew that he would die a fiery death before taking advantage of her like that, but she couldn't help saying it. She couldn't take him looking at her like that, couldn't take the pity and the hurt that flickered into his eyes every time he looked at her. He looked at her like he knew exactly how she was broken, like he knew just where it hurt.

"The only thing I haven't figured out yet, Apollo, is whether you're hanging around waiting for the frakking or for the fighting," she shouted angrily.

"Well, it looks like I've found my fight, doesn't it?" he shouted back.

"I guess you can go then!"

"You want me to go??" His voice dropped to a dark hiss, "I'll go Kara, if that's what you want."

"I don't need you," she said blithely, "so frankly, I don't know what's keeping you here."

"You want me to go?" he repeated, anger masking the hurt.

"No, Lee, I want you to stick around, hovering over me, watching everything I do and telling me just how to live my life every second of everyday!" she cried.

"Just answer the question, Kara! Do you want me to go??"

She looked up at him squarely, her face carefully blank, "I don't need you."

Lee sucked in a surprised breath. She actually said it. He was sure that if he pushed her she'd back down, that just this once she would give in and admit he was right. And now he was frakked. Maybe she was right, maybe she was better off dealing with all this her own way. Maybe he was just getting in the way.

"Fine."

Without looking at her he stood up and stalked out, not giving himself the chance to falter, to breakdown and let her see just how much she hurt him.

As he strode down the hallway, Lee struggled against the weight of depression that had crashed down around him. _Nothing's changed,_ he thought despondently,_ even when things are this bad, she'd still rather deal with it alone than trust me to help her. _He wracked his brains, desperate for an angle, for anything he might use to get her to let him in, but he just kept coming back to her empty stare. _Frak, frak, frak, frak! You've done it now, Apollo. Stoffa told you to wait, told you not to tell her, but what did you have to go and do? You had to dump it all on her at once and look where that got you._

Behind him, the lone occupant of the isolation room curled up on the bed and stared fiercely at the wall, stubbornly ignoring the tears that streamed down her face.

* * *

_A/N: So, I find arguments really hard to write as it seems like either I'm really repetitive with certain discriptors (i.e. angrily, shouted, cried) or I feel like that there isn't enough emotion for it to feel "real". What do you think? Suggestions on how to do it better?_


	23. Chapter 23

_A/N: Hey Gang! I had another chapter written but it just didn't feel right so I kept putting off posting it and then I got a VERY timely email from Uberscribbler with some VERY helpful advice and wrote this chapter instead and just flowed out in a single sit-down which, to me, means it's where the story needed to go. _

_Having taken this break, I'm going to go back and rework the first one a little and hope to have it posted soon. I know it's hard to stay engaged with a story over long breaks and I sincerely apologize to you all and want to thank you for your continued support and attention. Being a grad-student with some minor, but reoccurring and somewhat debilitating, health issues and a family that seems to thrive on drama, it's hard to give you the updates you deserve but I'm not going to quit if you won't!_

_Your friendly neighbourhood author: owns nothing but her imagination. Ron Moore et al: own everything but my overly dramatic and, I fear, overwritten angsty tripe._

* * *

**Chapter 23**

While Kara and Lee were fighting in the Life Station, word quickly spread about the incident in the rec room. And, as gossip about any event in a closed circuit will do, the incident grew with each retelling, the actual facts of what happening vanishing into the miasma of exaggeration, speculation and dramatization.

After quickly scanning the large room, Cally chose a seat at one of the more crowded tables in the mess. After a long shift of frustrating repairs she didn't particularly want to sit there but she recognized a few faces in the group deep in discussion and if she was right about what they were talking about, she could kill two birds with one stone: eat her meager share of the tightly rationed noodles and do her best to stem the tide of the current gossip outbreak.

The young deckhand gazed down at the rations on her metal tray and offered up a brief prayer of thanks for what little they still had before tucking in. As she ate she kept her head down but her ears finely tuned to the conversation at the other end of the table.

"No, she just freaked out. I mean, she totally lost it. And, she can barely walk," said a young pilot as if he were revealing a wonderful new plaything.

"I heard her knee's always been bad, though," pointed out one of the chief's newer deckhands. "She did something to it playing pyramid back before she enlisted. What I heard was that Hotdog joked he was gonna kick her ass in triad and she burst into tears and Apollo had to carry her back to her room."

"Practically," the rest of the young recruits clustered around the table were hanging on the first young man's every word, "you should have seen her face, she just… well, I know what they're saying happened to her and, you know, that kind of thing is pretty rough but I thought a girl like Starbuck would be able to get through it better."

Cally's hand curled around her chopsticks in a death grip but she ordered herself to wait to see where he was going with this before stabbing them into his fleshy neck.

"What do you mean?" asked a pretty young woman Cally seemed to remember was training with the engineers.

The first guy shrugged his shoulders and leaned back in his chair, obviously enjoying being the centre of attention.

"Well, I don't like to gossip or anything but I think she's had it. What happened to her, some people can move on from that kind of thing and some can't. Some women just can't deal with it, they let it get to them more than they should, and I think it's pushed her over the edge." He shrugged his shoulders, "Sure she seemed tough before and I never would have thought someone like her would be so messed up by anything like this, I would have bet my last cubit she could tough it out, but after what happened today let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out she'd been stim-ing for months before she left." He leaned forward conspiratorially, "I mean, I don't have any evidence, per se, but the weight loss, the look on her face today in the rec room, the fact that she's been isolated away from us… that all screams detox to me. I think she's a closet junky and all this business with the Astral Queen just brought it out. And now, she's so messed up she can't deal with the whole thing like she should. Well, either that or she's just not nearly as tough as we thought she was. Either way, my money is that she never flies again and 'retires' to security detail on Cloud Nine or something."

Cally's head snapped up as her hand slapped down on the tabletop, "That's enough!" Her voice was pitched low to keep it from carrying across the crowded hall but the ferocity of her tone had everyone at the table turning to look at her, "Lieutenant Thrace has _never_ taken stims except under direct order from her CAG and she has _not_ 'let something get to her'. You have no idea what she is, or is not, dealing with and have no right to speak about her like that!"

She glared at the young man who just shrugged his shoulders, "I'm just saying what I saw."

"Like hell you were, you petty little snot," Cally snapped, "You are spreading lies about a ranking officer which will undermine her authority _when_ she returns to active duty. I ought to report you to Colonel Tigh for willful-deceit-involving-a-superior." The nugget wilted a little under her fierce gaze and practically flinched at the mention of the Colonel.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself, all of you!" Cally gave the kid a break and turned her glare on the others at the table, "Lieutenant Thrace is a highly decorated officer who is one of a handful of pilots directly responsible for the survival of this _entire_ fleet. If it weren't for her, you wouldn't be here, none of us would! But you have the gall to sit here gossiping about her like a bunch of little middle school bitches! You all should be _ashamed!_"

One of the young women mumbled something about having not said anything.

Cally rounded on her, "I don't care who said what! You all were listening and you didn't say anything against it so the way I see it, you all just broke your induction oath. When you were sworn into the fleet you promised the Commander that you would be loyal to your fellow brother-in-arms so now, by all rights, you should _all _be sent back to whatever sorry bucket you were on before you got recruited!"

Not one of the recruits dared to look up from the tabletop and Cally figured they got the message but she wasn't done yet. She had one last card to play.

She barked out a sharp laugh, "But given a choice I'd take the discharge, 'cause _it_ won't break your face," the recruits looked at her warily. "No matter how bad it is out there in the civvy fleet, I'd much rather suffer a dishonorable discharge than face Starbuck's wrath when she gets back on her feet and comes looking for anyone who went around talking shit behind her back."

The talkative young man looked up at her with alarm. She offered him a patronizing smile, "Don't worry, I won't mention names… so long as this is the end of it. But if I catch one whisper of gossip flying around that can be tied to any of you in even the slightest way…" she trailed off menacingly, staring harshly at each and every face around the table before standing up and taking her food to another table across the room.

Cally dropped down into another seat and sighed.

"Rough day, Cally?"

She looked up to find the owner of the deep voice and realized she'd sat down across from Helo. She shrugged, slightly intimidated by the empathetic gaze of her handsome older crewmate, and toyed with the food in front of her.

"You did good there, Crewman," Helo offered encouragingly.

"You heard that?"

"Half the mess heard that."

Cally squirmed uncomfortably so Helo went on firmly, "Half the mess _needed_ to hear that."

She looked up to meet his eyes.

Helo nodded, "Rumours were already flying about Kara and what happened but now, after what happened in the rec room, they actually have something to talk about." He sighed, "I don't see what we can do really, she needs her space and she certainly doesn't need anyone telling the whole crew the details about what happened, but the secrecy and her isolation are only going to make people wonder and with all this down time, tongues are bound to start wagging."

"I know and, to be honest, I have to admit I've talked to some people about it, guessing at how she's doing, discussing various rumours about what really happened but…" Cally trailed off, embarrassed to have admitted her hypocrisy.

"But you were speaking as a friend worried about your crewmate. And I _know_ you weren't saying anything as ignorant and judgmental as half of what's going around."

Cally nodded slowly.

"People are going to talk about what happened. Gods, that shrink would probably say we all _should_ talk about what happened to, you know, 'process' it or something. But it's how we talk that matters." Helo lowered his voice, "And some of us probably need to talk about it more than others."

Cally looked up to find his sympathetic eyes locked on her. Panic welled in her chest and suddenly her nose was filled with the smell gunpowder, her mouth flooded with the metallic tang of blood.

Helo's large hand gently closed over hers, "Easy, Cally. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." He waited until she took a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry," he repeated softly. "I just wanted you to know that it's okay for this to be affecting you, it's okay if you're having trouble dealing with what happened to Kara."

She determinedly blinked away the tears his kind voice brought to her eyes. "I'm okay," she said lamely.

Helo smiled warmly, "I know you're okay. I'm okay too but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like Hades to see her like this or that I'm not still waking up in a cold sweat from visions of her in that damned cell almost every frakking night."

Cally stared up at him with surprise.

Helo's pursed his lips tightly and nodded solemnly.

Cally played with the noodles in her dish. When Helo didn't say anything she looked back up, "I know it's none of my business and I'd probably punch one of those nuggets in the mouth for saying this but, I wish I knew more of what happened to her. I'm not trying to pry into the gory details or anything," she said hurriedly, "it's just that not knowing what's true and what's not, my imagination wanders and… and it gets pretty ugly."

She looked down at the table and her voice dropped. Helo had to lean in to hear the words that were directed more at the tabletop than to him, "I know what it's like to be trapped and scared and alone but what happened to me, it was _nothing_ like what happened to her. I mean, it was only one guy and I fought him off."

"You bit his frakking ear off," Helo interjected encouragingly. He was rewarded with a strained and yet slightly smug smile,

"Yeah, I bit his _frakking_ ear off, but Apollo was there to stop him from-" her voice caught, "anyway, it was hard enough for me to get over all that but it was nothing, _nothing_, compared to what Starbuck's been through and I can only imagine how much worse it is for her and I can't stop thinking about it and-" she bit her lip to keep it from trembling.

"Hey," he called softly. She looked up at him, the frank and brutal pain in her eyes overwhelming her young face. Cally was like everyone's little sister on board, a feisty, and often mouthy, little sister and it was all he could do to keep himself from going around the table to wrap her in his arms and pull her onto his lap.

Instead, he reached over and gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "It's okay. What happened to you might not be as bad as what happened to Kara but it's not nothing. And what happened to Kara, well it's all right for you to be upset about it too. In fact, I'd worry about your mental status if you weren't. Well, worry about your mental status more than I normally do," he joked softly. Cally sniffed and smiled up at him. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here, okay?"

The young woman nodded.

"I mean that, Cally. I was there, I saw what happened to her, and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it. It's not easy but if it would help to talk about it, you can always come to me."

Cally nodded again but, sensing her discomfort over her public display of emotion, Helo went back to his food and quickly changed the subject, "So, now that you and I are taken care of, what are we going to do about all the other idiots on board who can't seem to help running their mouths off about our favourite pilot?"

"I could go around punching everyone in the mouth," she offered with a hesitant grin. Helo grinned back before shaking his head seriously,

"Yeah but then your hands would get all beat up and we need them for putting all those damned little bolts back into the vipers."

"Right," Cally took a bite of her noodles and thought seriously for a moment, "uhm, well I guess she's not ready to be out and about more yet?"

Helo shook his head, "No, not if even a fraction of what people are saying about what happened today is true."

Cally nodded thoughtfully, "How about the Commander? I know he's not fully back to active duty yet but he's back in his quarters, right? Maybe seeing him around the ship more will help keep people in line."

"Yeah, that will probably help a little. I liked what you said to those nuggets about the loyalty and brotherhood oath, though-"

Their brainstorming session was interrupted by an announcement over the ship-wide com: "_Pass the word, Crewman Henderson is to report to the flight deck. Crewman Henderson to the deck_."

"Shit," Cally cursed, "we're testing some new repair materials. Looks like results are in." She gulped down the rest of her noodles and snatched up her dishes as she rose from the table but paused before turning to leave. She looked down at Helo, a shy smile on her lips. She hesitated before she spoke,

"Thanks, Helo," she said finally.

"Anytime, Cally," he smiled back at her, "anytime."

Slightly flustered, she nodded quickly before spinning and dashing away.

Helo finished the rest of his meal deep in thought.

* * *

_A/N:_ _Yeah,_ _I have a thing for helpful and patient Helo but am I taking it too far? Anyone want to see him in another role?_

_Hope you enjoyed it but if you didn't, or if you did and you just feel like sharing some thoughts, please don't hesitate to send along a review!_


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N: I'm re-reposting this chapter with new revisions – the changes I made didn't gel with some earlier bits and I've fixed them (the danger of long fics spread out over too much time!). For the record, some elements don't match the canon but these are elements of the back-stories that were revealed later on and I hadn't seen when I wrote the first half of the fic so please be forgiving of my deviance from the "real" stuff ;)_

_Still own nothing, please be nice!_

**Chapter 24**

Stalking away from Kara's room, all the hurt, grief, and desperation quickly faded into one driving emotion that roiled in Lee's gut. Pure and unadulterated, the rage bubbled in his veins and hummed in his ears. He had pushed it aside so that he could focus on Kara and what she needed from him but now that he'd ruined everything between them the anger, betrayal, and choking fury rose in his throat.

He didn't care about the marine guard, he didn't care that he was about to disobey a direct order from his father and he certainly didn't give a flying frak that by all accounts his target was a raving lunatic. Tom Zarek was going to pay for what he did and he was going to start paying. Right_. _Now.

Lee shoved through the swinging door into the main ward and almost ran right into Doc Cottle.

"Easy there, Captain," the doctor grumbled.

" 'scuse me, Sir," Lee muttered as he pushed past the older man to continue on his way to the brig.

"Captain?" A small hand on his arm stopped him mid-stride.

Lee looked down into the questioning face of Dr. Stoffa.

"Is something wrong?" she asked gently.

"No, it's fine," the automatic response snapped out before he could think.

She just raised her eyebrows, her hand resting lightly on his arm.

Lee blew out a breath and looked away from her sympathetic gaze.

"Captain, if something's wrong with Lieutenant Thrace, or something's wrong between the two of you, I need to know about it," she said firmly. "You gave me your word you would work with me on this."

"I know," Lee muttered under his breath. Catching the worried look on Cottle's face he quickly added, "Kara's fine, I mean…" he trailed off, unable to explain any further. He scrubbed a hand through his hair. The last thing he wanted was to talk to anyone, let alone the patient psychologist who seemed to see right through him.

Talk, no. Scream, yes. And rant and hit and hurt. He was so frakking tired of being nice and speaking softly about all this. Yelling at Kara had opened a floodgate and he wasn't sure he could close it again. He wasn't sure he wanted to.

"I-" Lee looked longingly at the main hatch, his fists curled at his side. He was vaguely aware that he was trembling with the effort it took to maintain his composure.

"C'mere," Cottle growled, grabbing Lee roughly by the scruff of his neck and pulling him back through the door.

Instead of turning towards Kara's room, however, the doctor marched Lee the other way down the corridor. "I've had more than enough of this horseshit from you, Captain," he said, giving Lee a shake as he stormed down the hallway.

"Doctor?" Stoffa questioned the older man as she hurried to keep up with his quick pace.

"Just a minute, Ma'am. Something Apollo here needs to do."

"Doc-" Lee tried to speak to the doctor but was cut off when Cottle abruptly stepped through a door on his right and dragged the young man after him.

Dr. Stoffa came up short as the door snapped shut in her face.

She resisted the urge to follow the two men into what was, according to an engraved metal plate inserted into a slot on the door, _Mjr. Cottle's Office_. Captain Adama would have said something if Thrace was in actual physical trouble and, based on what Cottle had told her about how they'd returned from Kara's first outing, she figured she should wait for more information before she tried talking about it with her primary patient.

She could make out a low murmur of voices from behind the door. When the murmurs were replaced by muffled shouting, she knocked once, "Dr. Cottle?" she called.

"Gimme a gods damned minute!" came the annoyed reply followed by more muffled shouting.

Pacing across the hall, Roberta weighed her options. If she interrupted inappropriately she ran the risk of losing the small amount of trust she'd managed to build with both men, trust that had been anything but easy to gain in the first place. If she did nothing, however, she was subjecting the younger of the two to an intervention that, while presumably well-meant, might actually be harmful considering the amount of trauma and stress the Captain was struggling with.

More shouts and the sound of some kind of repeated impact decided the issue for her. But as she stepped back towards the door it opened and Cottle slipped back out into the corridor. The sounds of laboured breathing and heavy blows followed the doctor out of the small room.

Cottle closed the door and calmly reached for the pack of cigarettes that appeared to permanently reside in the pocket of his lab coat. She did her best not to glare but couldn't help raising an eyebrow in an annoyed question when he didn't say anything.

"Just give 'im a minute," Cottle said placatingly as he lit the cigarette and took a long drag.

Roberta took a deep breath. _This is their world,_ she reminded herself, _and as much as they don't understand what you do, you don't really understand them either._

The sounds from inside the room slowly petered out and after a few moments, the door opened and a sweaty Captain Adama looked out at them somewhat sheepishly.

"Now," Cottle said to Stoffa between puffs, sweeping his hand invitingly towards the younger man, "it's your turn, Doctor."

Both men looked at her expectantly.

"Hmm," she cleared her throat, taking a good look Captain Adama who stood in the doorway slowly flexing one hand and gingerly rubbing its reddened knuckles. "I take it that Lieutenant Thrace is beginning to process what happened to her?" she asked with a knowing look.

Lee looked down, "Yes, well, sort of. She… No, I…" he looked up at her, his face tense with apprehension. "I kind of told her. I mean, she sort of remembered it, or at least, she remembered something. And I know I wasn't supposed to tell her, I was supposed to let her come to it herself or whatever, but she was starting to remember and she was scared and upset and she was begging me and she kind of knew so I just couldn't say no and _you_ said I shouldn't lie and I didn't know what to do and-"

"Easy," Stoffa said, raising her hands as if to physically stem the flow of words streaming out of the distraught young man. "It's okay, Captain."

Lee halted, staring at her with confusion.

She sighed, "I didn't mean we could never bring it up, I just meant that as long as she was blocking it out we shouldn't force it on her. It sounds like Thrace was looking for some answers and you gave them to her. It sounds like she was ready to start remembering but couldn't do it herself," Stoffa cocked her head to catch Lee's eyes as he stared miserably at the floor. "You did the right thing, Captain," she said with a soft smile.

He didn't return her smile but the tension in his face eased slightly.

"So, you told her what happened to her. And then what did she do?"

"Well, I didn't tell her exactly. I didn't have to. I said she'd been lost after the last skirmish but had found the Astral Queen and then…" Lee swallowed hard, the image of Kara's tortured face as she remembered what had happened on the other ship swimming up in his mind. "Well, she kind of freaked out and remembered it on her own then," he finished softly.

Stoffa nodded but waited patiently. After a long pause, Lee shuffled his feet "And well, yeah, she was pretty upset but she calmed down eventually and I brought her back to her room." Lee knew Stoffa would probably want more details about Kara's breakdown, and he knew that it might help Kara in the long run for him to share them, but he was decidedly uncomfortable about sharing something that had been so personal, so intimate, between them.

"And then what happened?" Stoffa asked softly.

Lee shrugged, "We fell asleep and when we woke up, uhm, well… I guess we kinda had a fight."

"Uhm hm, about what?"

Lee fingered his burning knuckles and stared down at his hand.

"Captain?"

Lee looked up at Stoffa, his eyes heavy, "I don't even really know. I mean, she got mad and said I was trying to fix things. And I got mad because she, she kept saying she…" he couldn't bring himself to repeat what Kara had said about wishing she were dead. "I got mad about how she was talking about what happened. And, I dunno, she told me she didn't need me and that I should go. So I left."

Stoffa nodded again, not at all surprised by Lee's story.

"Tell me, Captain, do you think Lieutenant Thrace really wanted to you to leave?"

"No-yes-I don't know!" he was tired, he had a headache, and the numbing effect of his outburst in Cottle's office was starting to wear off, leaving him with a building sense of frustration and remorse.

"Okay," Stoffa said soothingly, raising her palms once again. "Okay, well how about we cut through the normal 'why don't you tell me what you think about that' shrink bullshit and I tell you what I think Kara was doing?"

Lee blinked and almost smiled at the tone and turn of phrase coming from the diminutive doctor.

"Kara let you in, didn't she? Even if it was just for a moment, after she remembered what happened to her she let you see her hurting and scared and vulnerable, am I right?"

Lee shrugged and nodded.

"Well, now, that doesn't sound like Lieutenant Thrace at all, does it?"

"No, Ma'am."

"And, when she was rested and had a chance to think about what happened, she freaked out again and lashed out at you, right? Pushing you away, pushing at your buttons, so you'd get angry and leave, so you'd put the distance back between you. Which is, I would guess, exactly what she's always done with you after you two have gotten closer or connected on a deeper level."

Lee stared at her angrily, "So you're saying it's just her way of dealing with emotional stuff? This is how she is with people she's close to?"

"Yes and no. I think you're missing a big part of this picture." Stoffa paused and gave Lee the chance to take a breath before she went on, "I'm not saying this is Kara's way of being close, I'm saying that this is a coping mechanism Kara has developed based on years of experience.

For most of her life, and indeed for the most important formative years of her life, Kara Thrace could not count on anyone. From what I understand, everyone she trusted betrayed her and hurt her on a fundamental level, leaving her with a distinctly negative association with vulnerability, dependence and support."

Lee rolled his eyes, "so because she couldn't trust her parents now she can't trust anyone?"

"No," Stoffa continued patiently, "she _can_ trust people, she's just afraid to. She's terrified that if she trusts you, if she counts on you to take care of her needs on any level, she's opening herself up for more pain when you eventually try to hurt her."

"But I wouldn't."

"I know you think that but given who you are, who you are to her, you really have no idea what you might do that would hurt her."

Lee bristled, "She's been through a lot but it's not like Kara is some delicate flower, Doc. Believe me, she's one of the toughest people I've ever seen. And I know that she may not always be all that communicative when she's upset but I think you're selling her a little short here."

"I know how tough she is Captain, but what I'm talking about is not the average kind of hurtful acts. I'm not talking about someone teasing her or putting her down, I'm talking about betrayal, mistrust and abuse."

"But I would never betray or abuse Kara!"

"I know you wouldn't mean to but, again, with someone with Kara's past, we're not talking about the world of relationships as other people see them."

"So we're back to her being sensitive and vulnerable?" Lee shook his head, trying to follow the Doctor's argument.

"Quite the opposite, actually. You have to see it from her perspective, Captain, based on her experiences, not on how you would feel in her place." Lee stared at her in confusion. "You and Kara had very different experiences in your respective childhoods and you can't put your understanding of the world into her place and expect to understand _her_ world." Stoffa smiled sadly up at him, "Look, whatever issues came up, whatever you fought about or didn't agree on, your parents ultimately took care of you, didn't they? And they fed and clothed and housed you?"

Lee nodded slowly, trying to see where the doctor was going with this.

"And tell me, Captain, was your house safe?" Lee blinked at her. "Did either of your parents hit you? And I'm not talking a swat on the behind here, did they beat you bloody with a belt to punish you for random offenses you didn't understand or sometimes didn't even commit? Were you ever hospitalized because of their actions? Did they ever lock you up for days or leave you home alone without food or supervision at a young age? Did they ever have friends over who looked at you in a way even a small child knows isn't right?"

Lee shook his head slowly. "Is that," his voice caught and he continued in an almost whisper, "is that what happened to Kara?"

"Well, I'm still guessing about some of the exact details but based on the combination of the records in her file, her behaviour, and a few things she's mentioned about her mother, I would bet my last cubit that Kara Thrace experienced ongoing _severe_ neglect and abuse, both physical and emotional, throughout the first eighteen years of her life; a type of twisted deep-seeded abuse that goes beyond losing a temper or taking discipline too far. We're talking about a child growing up in a world where pain and punishment are the norm, an expected part of her daily life, and a fundamental part of her relationships with the very people who were supposed to protect her and care for her above anything else. For Kara, I'm almost certain any kind of love she received was tempered with hate and pain."

Stoffa stared up at Lee for a moment before she continued, her voice softening, "And, if you will allow me another extrapolation here, I feel that the evidence is fairly clear that you didn't grow up with that kind of abuse. Unless I miss my guess, no matter what issues you all may have had, your parents loved you and took care of you and you could count on them on to take care of at least your basic needs, yes?"

Lee shrugged, his head reeling.

Stoffa wasn't exactly right about that. Part of him believed that despite his father's preoccupation with his career, had he or Zak been seriously injured or ill, if something concrete had happened that he couldn't ignore or downplay, he would have been there for them. But a very small voice in the back of his head wasn't so sure and Lee felt the old ball of fury curl in his gut, almost like a reflex.

Still, his dad being neglectful in his absence wasn't the same as what Stoffa was talking about.

For all the anger he still felt over Bill Adama's shortcomings as a father, Lee had always known that at the end of the day, despite his absence and his preoccupation with his career, his father loved him in his own distant way. He might not have expressed that love very well and he might have eventually let Lee down when he needed him most but Lee couldn't honestly say that he had every seriously thought his father didn't love them or that the Commander had ever purposefully caused either of his sons direct pain. The pain of his inattention, or as Lee often saw it, his narcissistic inability to ensure his sons were happy and safe, still left a sharp bitterness in the back of Lee's throat but he had to admit that the damage caused by his father's inaction was fundamentally different from the bleak picture Stoffa was painting of Kara's childhood.

His childhood had been no picnic but Lee had been twelve years old when things started to get really bad. He had been old enough to deal with it, old enough to understand that he'd been let down by both his parents, and old enough, perhaps most importantly, to understand that things _should_ have been different. Based on what Stoffa was saying, that was the big difference between him and Kara: he always knew for a fact he deserved better, that he should have been treated better but Kara didn't. And that little difference, apparently, made all the difference; while most of Lee's anger and hurt centred around the knowledge that things could have been better, that they _should_ have been better, somewhere in that frakked up mess she called a psyche, Kara Thrace believed she deserved what she got.

Stoffa said she was just guessing but Lee's gut told him she'd hit the bull's-eye, that part of him had figured it out years ago; he'd just been avoiding actually thinking about it in so many words.

Lee felt sick.

He'd never really thought about what it would mean to grow up like Kara did. He'd thought about the abuse and neglect on its own but hadn't really understood what it would do to a kid on a larger scale: to live like that _all_ the time, to live in fear and uncertainty every minute of every day with absolutely no one to turn to for help. The actual events were bad enough but he hadn't thought about how they would shape who you were and how you understood the world around you. When he realized the full extent of what Kara had gone through and the magnitude of what she'd gone without, Lee felt almost ashamed for what he had had.

Stoffa watched as Lee stared straight through her. She noted the tension that clenched ever so slightly at his jaw and how he straightened up, almost imperceptibly, until he was standing at what looked to her like full attention. _There's something here,_ she noted silently. _This boy's life wasn't the picturesque suburban family story his file tells._ She watched him carefully, looking for further cues, but the hardened mask of his face gave nothing away except for the fact that he didn't dare give anything away. So she waited a moment, two, until a hint of grief softened the cold blue of his eyes and she went on,

"Children who grow up in so-called normal families," Stoffa's voice snapped Lee back to the present, "families who may have strife and tension and trouble but with a foundation of at least some form of love and care rather than abuse and betrayal, these children learn that are worthy of love and everything it entails such as respect, nurturing, and protection. Needless to say, Kara did not have that experience of childhood and, as a result, her understanding of the world and how relationships work is not the same as most people's." Stoffa watched carefully for any sign of reaction from Lee, _and which grouping do you fall into, my young captain?_ When he nodded slightly and the scowl that had slowly drawn his eyebrows together vanished she felt herself relax. _There's something here but it's okay. He's okay._

She went on, "In Kara's world, at best, people abandon you when you need them most and at worst they hurt and torment you even when you don't deserve it. Or, perhaps more accurately, in her world you deserve any hurt or torment you're given, torment and hurt being just a normal part of life, part of the life you deserve.

Stoffa paused and smiled up at the young man, "In this world of hers, however, there have been two people who have, over the course of many years, earned a limited degree of her trust because they didn't hurt or abandon her no matter what she did. She's come to count on those two relationships and is now terrified that they will be torn from her just when she so desperately needs them."

Lee looked at her with confusion.

"Captain, you and your father are the only people in of Kara Thrace's life who have stood by her, who have defended her and cared for her without agenda or personal benefit in mind. You two are also the only people who she hasn't been able to push away. Not yet anyway. But what if this is it? What if this whole thing is the straw that breaks the camel's back? What if what happened to her on the Astral Queen finally opens your eyes to how awful she is and finally makes you realize she doesn't deserve your friendship?"

"What? She's not awful-"

"You know that. And I know that. And I suspect even the gruff Dr. Cottle over here," she jerked her thumb towards the other doctor who was leaning up against the far wall puffing away on a second cigarette, "knows it. But Kara doesn't. Her whole life people have told her she's worthless and terrible, in so many words and in their actions towards her. I get the feeling that these past few years, working in the fleet and then serving here with your father, she had begun to see things differently and start to question all those early lessons but this latest episode with Zarek and his men has only reconfirmed her darkest fears about herself in the most horrifying manner. And now we're back to square one with a frightened young woman who desperately needs help and yet is convinced deep down to her core that she doesn't deserve any."

Lee sighed despondently as he stared down at the scuffed toes of his boots. _Gods,_ he thought, _this is all so much worse than I thought. I knew she was frakked up but all this…_

Eventually the young man looked back up at Stoffa and the hopelessness radiating out from his eyes nearly brought tears to hers,

"It's okay, Lee," she said gently, resting a comforting hand on his arm. "It's not all bad. What she did in there today proves that she still trusts you to stand by her."

"What?" Lee was lost again. The headache was growing, as was the crawling dread in his belly, and he just couldn't seem to keep up with what the doctor was saying. "But she threw me out of her room!" he pointed out.

"And that she did so makes me even more certain that she _does_ trust you. She's just terrified to count on that trust, to count on _you_, now that your opinion of her might have changed. What happened in there today? She was testing you to see if she can afford to let herself rely on you."

Light dawned on Apollo. "And I blew it," Lee's voice was ripe with self-loathing.

"No," Stoffa shook her head, "you didn't blow it. You got mad and Kara has to know that you can get mad, that she can make you mad, but that you'll still be there for her. That your relationship runs deeper than that. You need to prove to her that you're going to stick; that no matter what she says or does to push you away you'll still come back to her and always be there when she needs you."

She cocked her head and stared up at the captain with a twinkle in her eye, "I read your jacket, Captain, and based on your training scores and marks in war college, I would bet my last cubit that you're pretty good at taking tests, is that true?"

"What? Uhm, yeah, I guess."

Lee knew that was an understatement; he was better than pretty good, he thrived on being tested. Written exams, sims, war games, PE demonstrations: when evaluation and expectations were on the line, Lee Adama gave it his all and almost always turned in results better than his previous best.

"Well, then here's a test for you: Lieutenant Thrace is going to do her best to outsmart you, to antagonize you, and generally piss you off until you lose your temper and feel like shit and never want see her again. Your task, Captain, is to rise above it. She is testing your limits and you need to show her you have none, or none that would result in the total loss of your friendship, anyway. You can tell her when she's crossed a line, you can let her know when she's gone too far, but you also have to be very careful to always, _always_, tell her that you're still there and still going to be there no matter what. You promised me that you're in this for the long haul, that you're ready and willing to stick by Kara no matter what, and now you just have to prove that to Kara no matter what she slings at you. You just have to _rise above it_," she repeated with a smile.

_A test, I can pass a test, _Lee thought with a sudden rush of hope. "Rise above it," Lee repeated slowly. _Kara thinks she can beat me, that she can push me around and make me hate her, _the idea of competing with Kara again brought a slight smile to his lips, _but what she doesn't know is that this is not a battle I'm willing to lose._

Stoffa stood back as the relief literally rolled through the young man's body. She'd hit the nail on the head and found herself an opening into the complex relationship between the two young pilots. _Of course,_ she thought not without some smugness, _a soldier needs an objective and a course of action._

She watched as Lee thought through all that she had said and waited for him to look to her for more. When those steely blue eyes found her again she went on, speaking forcefully,

"Captain, the trick here is that you have to _prove_ to Kara that she can trust you. No matter what you _say_, she's always going to be looking for evidence to the contrary and that's where the real test will be. She will very likely interpret everything in the worst possible way but no matter what happens, no matter what she thinks you did or said, you have to come back to her and show her that it's okay, that you're okay, and that your opinion of her hasn't changed. After all the people in her life who said one thing and did another she's going to be testing you every step of the way. She is going to strike at you until you break," Lee snorted in disbelief, bringing a surprised chuckle out of the doctor before she went on seriously, "but you need to show her that she can't break what's between you. This is new territory for her and she's not sure on her feet yet so it's going to get a lot worse before it gets any better but remember that it is a good sign that she's trying to push you away." She smiled warmly up at the piercing blue eyes that stayed fixed on hers, "You should be very proud of yourself, Captain. Earning any kind of trust from Kara Thrace is a badge of honour you should be very, very proud of."

Lee couldn't help but smile back at the earnest face staring up at him. The gentle hand was back on his arm once again.

"This is not going to be easy, Lee, and I think it would be best that we plan on setting up regular appointments for us to talk about your progress."

Stoffa realized her misstep even as she saw the excitement and connection in the young man's eyes dim just a hair.

Hurrying to repair the damage, her mind raced, "Not real 'appointments' per se, I just know how much you have on your plate and meant that it would be easier for us to schedule our meetings officially and make sure they fit around your duties." She laughed lightly, "I'm not looking to put you on my caseload, Captain," _not now anyway, not until you're ready for it,_ she added to herself.

Lee relaxed with her reassurance.

_Always an uphill battle with these frakking military types,_ she thought not without some annoyance. "I do, however, think that we should meet regularly to discuss how you're doing with Kara. And, if I'm even half right about how tough she's going to be on you, having someone who understands what you're going through, someone you can bitch at when it gets really rough, might not be a bad thing either; a hell of a lot easier on those knuckles, anyway."

Lee nodded and smiled, ruefully rubbing his hand again, "Sure, that sounds fine."

"For now, though," she turned to address Cottle, "when I arrived you mentioned that Thrace needed her meds, am I right Doctor?" The older man nodded in answer. "Is that something the Captain here can do or do you need to see her?"

Cottle shrugged, "When you left, how was she physically?" he asked Lee.

"She seemed okay," Lee said.

"Her breathing?"

"It was fine and I left that inhaler on the bedside table before we fell asleep."

"Well, as far as I'm concerned, as long as she'll take the meds from you, I can wait a little while before I need to check on her. Lemmie grab what you'll need," Cottle walked off down the corridor towards the small dispensary locker.

Stoffa turned back to Lee, "Now Captain, remember what I told you."

"Rise above it," Lee said with a small grin.

She nodded, "That's it. And you need to call me, day or night, if you feel at all unsure about anything that's happened. Okay?" Lee nodded. "I mean it, Captain," she continued sternly, "This is a big job and I'm pretty sure you've never dealt with anything even remotely like it but I'm trusting you with the care of my patient so you need to report back and let me know how you're progressing. I can't help Kara if you don't keep me in the loop. Okay?"

Lee nodded solemnly, "Okay. Yes, I promise."

"All right then," she patted his arm companionably just as Cottle came back down the corridor carrying a small plastic cup.

He handed the cup to Lee, "Make sure she takes all of them right away, Apollo; we're pushing the envelope of her med schedule as it is so you can't dick around if she's still pissed at you. And if she's in serious pain, running a temperature or having breathing trouble the inhaler can't fix you need to come find me right away."

"Yes Sir," the crisp salute came automatically after responding to the stern orders. Lee nodded goodbye to both the doctors and turned to head towards Kara's room.

"And Apollo?" Cottle's voice stopped him as he was about to walk away, "My office is always free for you to use to, uhm, study for this test of yours."

Lee looked back and smiled at the older man, "Thanks, Doc. I might just take you up on that."

Stoffa turned to the other doctor inquisitively as Lee headed off down the hallway. Cottle sighed good-naturedly and gestured towards the open office door. Roberta stepped inside the small room but still didn't understand the somewhat cryptic exchange between the two men. Turning to go back to the hallway, her eyes landed on a well-used punching bag that stood slouched in the corner. Smiling, she stepped back into the hallway.

"Glad to see you have your own brand of therapeutic outlet, Doctor Cottle," she said with a smile.

Cottle shrugged, "The boy needs to blow off some steam and I'm not going to sit by and watch one of our best pilots destroy his hands against a wall or someone else's face." _Though the gods know that monster in the brig deserves it, _he added silently. "He's been wound up close to bursting for a while now and I'm sick and tired of it. He needs an outlet so I gave him one."

Stoffa held her tongue.

Cottle sighed and blinked at her through the cloud of smoke, "Every time things get worse with Thrace he freaks out but tries to hold it in, tries to keep everything under control, and I've sat back and watched him drowning in it all for long enough. A man can only go through that kind of thing for so long before he's going to lose it on the wrong person at the wrong time and it would be a damned shame to lose such a fine officer for want of a fifty cubit heavy bag."

Stoffa nodded, "But-"

Cottle interrupted her with a wave of his hand, "That's not to say he doesn't need to talk about things. All I'm saying is that sometimes, a few well thrown punches are needed before talking is even possible."

Roberta smiled at the gruff tone that did nothing to dim the sympathetic look that had come over the other doctor when he talked about the younger man.

"And now that we've dealt with the more pressing matter of Kara's recovery, perhaps we can meet with the Commander to discuss this other diagnosis you wanted me to weigh in on?" she asked.

Cottle nodded and lead the way back down the corridor towards the exit to the main corridor.


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N: More angst for you to enjoy! Thanks to all you dedicated readers who haven't given up on me! I'm doing my best but grad school really saps the strength and creative energy right out of me! Lemmie know what you think of this latest instalment and I'll keep plugging away at the next one!_

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**Chapter 25**

Laura Roslin tossed her dark hair off her face and unconsciously tugged her jacket into place as she strode along the metal gangway. She was feeling sluggish and tense after a night of fitful sleep and the last thing she'd felt like doing this morning was locking horns with Bill Adama. After a night spent drifting in and out of strange dreams, she'd woken with a distinct feeling of unease and anxiety despite the fact that she couldn't remember anything about the actual dreams themselves. Taking a deep breath she squared her shoulders as she stepped through the open hatch into the Commander's quarters.

The sight of Bill back in his uniform planted squarely behind his desk was a welcome one and she told him so warmly. The Commander smiled and thanked her before offering her a cup of tea as she sat opposite him.

"Thank you, tea would be lovely," she replied. She sipped from the offered cup and watched Bill over its rim.

The Commander dipped his head down for a moment before looking up to stare at her through the top of his glasses, "Madame President, I would like to cut to the chase, if I may?"

Roslin nodded, lowering the cup to the saucer she held in her lap.

"It would appear that Tom Zarek has indeed been suffering through the detox-psychosis Doctor Cottle diagnosed and, just as the good doctor said he would, he seems to have come through it and has regained a semblance of coherence," he paused, watching the president patiently.

_So much for a friendly chat over tea_, Laura thought moodily. She straightened in her chair and set the teacup down on the edge of the desk, "What does he have to say for himself?"

"I don't know." Bill's husky voice was even and his face gave nothing away.

The President blinked at him, "What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I don't know," he answered calmly, "because I haven't spoken to him yet. In fact, no one has. My men have strict orders not to say one word to the prisoner."

Laura sighed and pulled off her glasses, "I'm sorry Commander, I'm not following where this is going. I thought you were going to cut to the chase?"

Bill nodded, "So I did. It would appear that Tom Zarek has regained his sanity, or what little sanity he had to begin with, and I have been waiting for you to accompany me to his cell and see what he has to say about his actions."

"Oh," Laura blinked, thrown off by his easy tone and lack of hostility surrounding her involvement in dealing with the prisoner. "I see. And am I to take this as a sign that you are willing to discuss how we are to handle the prosecution of Zarek and his men?"

Bill sighed heavily, "Yes, I am." His eyes flashed up to hers quickly, "willing to discuss it that is, but I reckon that we should meet with him first to ascertain whether or not he's even capable of standing for any kind of trial."

"Well, I certainly appreciate your inclusion of me in this process," she said politely as her mind raced, trying to see through his calm exterior. _What's his angle here?_ She wondered.

"Make no mistake, Madame President," Bill continued, "I am not saying I am willing to forfeit our rightful claim to prosecute the prisoners' acts as war crimes, but I do recognize that for the good of the fleet you and I need to come to some kind of agreement about how this matter should be carried out."

_And there it is,_ she thought. Still, it was something.

"Do you know what is the most fundamental element of the relationship between a commanding officer and his crew?" he asked quietly.

She shook her head, her eyebrows raised slightly as she waited for him to continue.

"Trust," he said simply, blinking at her from across the large desk. "You can be the most brilliant tactician or the most skillful pilot but if your men don't trust you, you'll never make it as a CO. The chain of command may mean that they obey your orders but without trust their obedience will always be half-hearted and sooner or later, it will lead to trouble. Dissention in the ranks, laziness, lack of commitment or even just a split-second of hesitation when you need immediate response, one way or another, if they don't trust that you will look after them, they will question what you ask of them."

Bill paused again but Laura knew he wasn't finished. She waited patiently, watching him as he studied his interlaced fingers.

"My fist CO taught me that," he said quietly. "He also taught me that trust is a fragile thing and that no matter how you try to mend it, once it's broken it can never be the same." Bill's mind drifted back to the urgency on Lee's face as he'd heard that familiar phrase coming from his son and he shrugged away the uncanny way Lee's voice had been almost a direct echo of his old Captain. _Must've said it to him myself sometime over the years,_ Bill thought to himself for the hundredth time despite the fact that he couldn't remember ever doing so.

Bringing himself back to the present, he raised his eyes to stare at the President intently, "The problem here is that I have two different groups relying on me to protect them and look out for them. On one hand I have my men here on Galactica and if they are to continue doing their jobs they need a Commander who acts on their behalf and ensures their needs are met. On the other hand, I have the men and women of the civilian fleet who are relying on me for their physical safety and sense of security. If I lose the trust of my men, the Glactica won't be able to protect the fleet but if I lose the trust of the fleet, they won't let me protect them and the Cylons will destroy the entire human race. Both groups trust me to act in their best interest, and yet those interests in this matter are at opposition." Before Roslin could object, he raised one hand, "Now I know you don't see the difference here, that to you a civil trial will meet the needs of all those involved, but you yourself have admitted that your experience with military matters is rather limited. I hope you'll take my word on this matter that this is one of those times when you don't really understand the larger picture from our perspective. Can you give me that?"

She nodded and squinted her eyes at him slightly, "Yes, Commander, I will concede that I may not fully understand the perspective of you and your men."

Adama nodded his thanks and continued, "And so you can see my dilemma as the commanding officer of the Colonial fleet. Not to mention the fact that, yes, as an individual, I would love nothing more than to personally strangle the last living breath out of that monster in my brig," he offered her a tense attempt at a smile.

Roslin sighed, glad to feel them back on surer ground, and cocked her head sadly to one side, "Believe me, Commander, as an individual there's nothing more I'd rather see than you choking the life out of _Tom Zarek_," an acidic hatred twisted the name on her tongue and she took a slow breath before continuing, "but as the President, obviously, I must continue to protect what has been placed in _my_ care: our civic order and the future of human civilization as we know it."

Bill studied the President for a moment, the flush in her cheeks and the flash of fury in her eyes was not something he was used to seeing even in their most heated debates.

"So, where does that leave us today?" she finally asked when he did not speak.

"Today we are waiting for Doc Cottle and Doctor Stoffa, the fleet psychologist, and then we head down to the brig to talk to Zarek. After that," he shrugged, "I suggest you and I each review the updated situation and then discuss where to go from there."

She watched him closely. In her experience, Commander Adama was a man used to getting his way but was not one she felt would exploit underhanded methods to get it. She nodded slowly, shrugging her shoulders, "That makes sense to me as long as you recognize that I am not conceding my rightful claim to insist on a full and lawful trial for these men."

The Commander smiled at her return of his words, "Agreed. Neither of us is officially giving an inch but we're both open to hearing how the other will."

The break in tension was almost palpable and Laura couldn't help but chuckle, "Agreed."

x x x

Kara puffed out a breath as she dropped her head back against the pillow and immediately regretted it. The breath caught and turned into a cough that then turned into the awful gasping attack she'd been praying wouldn't come. _Frak off_, she thought as it continued and the familiar ache started to build in her chest. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, trying to stop the reflexive hacking. _Come on, don't make me call Cottle, _she pleaded with no one in particular._ Please just stop, just this once!_

For a moment she was drowning, she could almost feel the hands on the back of her head and taste the rancid burn of the liquid on her tongue. Her heart raced, her chest heaved. _Oh lords, please no!_

A hand was on her shoulder; a real hand. If she'd had any air in her savaged lungs she would have screamed. As it was, her eyes flew open and she threw herself across to the other side of the bed before she registered Lee's face. He flashed her a reassuring smile despite the dark and stormy look in his eyes and held out the small inhaler Cottle had given her.

The fear of the flashback may have lessened but the panic of being unable to catch her breath was growing. Pride and stubbornness aside, she needed air. She snatched the inhaler from him and did her best to get her lungs to open and accept the bitter medicine. After a moment, it started to work and she was able to draw a shaky and shallow breath. Another pull on the inhaler and she knew she was out of the woods.

This time.

She gritted her teeth and refused to let thoughts about the future and her career creep in; she had other things to deal with right now. The look on Lee's face alone was more than enough for her to puzzle over for the next millennium.

He silently offered her a hand and helped her ease back onto the middle of the bed and then held out a small paper cup,

"Doc sent your meds, said you need to take them A-sap."

His voice was even and friendly. Kara blinked up at him but he just smiled and held out a bottle of water.

With a glare, she grabbed the meds and downed them along with a heavy swig of the water. _What the frak is this?_ Her mind raced trying to figure out what Lee was getting at, searching for a clue while trying not to get caught staring at him. He sat down in his usual chair and picked up the dog-eared stack of triad cards on the side table,

"You up for a game?" he asked, waggling the cards in front of her face.

Lee watched as Kara furrowed her eyebrows ever so slightly. _A test my ass,_ he thought smugly, _I'm already catching her off-step and if I can keep her there, this will be no contest._

Kara shrugged her shoulders carelessly, "Sure."

She had no idea what Lee was up to but as long as she kept her wits about her, it wouldn't hurt to play along.

He dealt out the cards with a practiced flick of his wrist. Kara glared down at her hand, trying to focus on the game and ignore the perplexing glint in Lee's eyes. They played a few hands in silence but as the minutes ticked past, Kara's nerves stretched thinner and thinner. Damned if she would give him the satisfaction of breaking first, though. Finally, Lee spoke, "I'm sorry I lost my temper back there," he mentioned casually.

Kara didn't fumble her cards as she picked up Lee's discard, thank the gods. She shrugged noncommittally.

"I'm a little wound up after all this mess," he went on easily with a relaxed smile, "no excuse though, for losing it and storming out like that." His eyes flashed up to hers, bright and piercing, "I'm sorry, Kara, I shouldn't have left like that and I will do my best not to do it again."

She did her best to keep her mouth from falling open. _Lee Adama apologizing to me? What the frak did he take while he was gone?_ She shrugged again, meeting his eyes and doing her best not to squirm.

"But," he paused.

_Here it comes,_ she thought, completely unaware of how her entire body had tensed at that one little word. She covered her apprehension by throwing down a card and studying her hand closely.

"But you have to know, I won't put up with you bad mouthing my best friend like that, not without a fight," he grinned and his eyes softened. "I mean it, Kara, I shouldn't have lost my cool but it's gonna piss me off if you insist on talking that way about yourself and what happened." Lee picked up a fresh card and discarded an old one.

Kara picked at the edge of a ragged fingernail.

"Kara?" his voice was a gentle plea. "I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere but I'm not going to just sit here quietly and watch you tear yourself apart."

Kara cringed at his soft tone, so that was his angle: to get his own way by playing nice. Well, no one had ever accused Kara Thrace of playing nicely with others, "So we're back with you telling me how to deal with my shit, Adama?" she snapped as threw down her hand revealing a perfect full colour set.

Lee grinned at the cards and then up at her, tossing his down in defeat. "Yep. As long as you keep frakking it up, I'm gonna be here yelling at you over it."

"Who says I want you here?" she challenged, ignoring the lump that rose in her throat as she spoke.

Lee just smiled.

Kara ground her teeth and gathered up the cards to shuffle for the next hand. She was still clumsy with her cast but for once was glad of the excuse to pay extra attention to the small task. Her mind was racing but as the quick dissolving pain meds began to kick in her thoughts started getting fuzzy. She blinked and tried to focus on this new game of Lee's.

"I mean it, Lee. What gives you the right to think you get to hang around telling me what I should be doing?"

"The fact that I've been doing it for years."

She shook her head, "Not good enough, Adama."

"Because I know you?"

She shook her head again and he saw a darkness skirt quickly across her eyes, "You don't know me."

Lee sat back in his seat and smiled smugly, "sure I do. I know you're the best pilot in the fleet, I know you're a terror on the pyramid court and even deadlier at the triad table." He grinned and counted off his points on his finger, "I know you hate cold noodles and that Picon whiskey gives you the worst headache known to man or woman." The grin turned serious and Kara felt her guard come up even through the haze of the meds, "I know that saying you had a less than perfect childhood is the understatement of the year and, perhaps most importantly, that you've managed to rise above it and become one hell of an officer and the best friend I've ever had."

Kara gaped slightly. _That was low_, she thought, _frak these frakking meds. How the hell am I supposed to deal with frakking Lee when I'm high as a frakking kite!_ She blinked, trying to catch up to what the hell just happened. _Where did this all come from?_ She wondered, _and where the frak did the real Lee Adama go? Doesn't matter, _her mood turned dark, _two can play at this game, my dear friend._

Lee watched her quietly, recognizing the signs of the storm running just under the surface, and smiled to himself. _Apollo one, Starbuck nil,_ he thought.

And then she glared up at him and he felt his blood chill as he automatically steeled himself for her attack.

"Oh well, okay then," she said, her voice low but sharp. "Pardon me, I stand corrected, Captain Adama. Do tell me then, based on this expansive knowledge of the life and times of Kara Thrace, what exactly do you think she should have done while held captive by the barbarians of the fleet with no hope of rescue in sight?"

Lee blinked but held his ground, "Just what you did do, fight like hell and keep fighting until you couldn't fight anymore."

Kara's eyes narrowed, her face cold and still, "Who says I fought?"

"What do you mean?"

"You said I should have done what I did but, contrary to your belief, it would appear you _don't _actually know anything about the matter."

"What are you talking about? I saw you fighting them. I saw you spit in his face."

Kara's heart stopped, she stared at Lee, "You what?" she gasped.

Lee watched as the colour didn't just drain but simply vanished from Kara's face. "I- I saw you fight them, Kara. You were kicking and fighting until the end."

She stared at him, and felt her world falling away once again. _He saw it?_ She couldn't think past the landslide of anger and shame that suddenly swirled around her, "You-you _watched_ it?" she spluttered.

"Well, yeah," Lee stared at her, his eyebrows furrowed. "I told you this last night but I guess you were pretty worked up at that point. The last few hours after Zarek contacted us, he kept up the wireless feed. You don't remember that part?"

Kara shook her head slowly, staring down at the cards in her hand without seeing a thing. Thinking about it now, she had a vague memory of shouting at Lee through the camera in her cell. Her brow furrowed as she bit her lip in frustration. Her memory, like the rest of her she thought bitterly, was so messed up; almost everything that had happened since her capture was a blurry mix of dreams and feverish distorted memories

_Frak! _She took a deep breath and tried to force her memory to clear. One of her last memories of her time on the Queen came floating back: Lee's voice crackling with static over the long range comm. She remembered the relief it brought her, the warmth and brightness of it coming back clear and strong through the haze of uncertainty. The warmth dimmed, however, as another memory quickly followed; the memory of what happened after she heard Lee, of the men who entered her cell.

She couldn't bring herself to look up at Lee. Her stomach did a greasy turn. _He watched it; Lee saw what they did. He saw what I did._ Suddenly very glad of the numbing effect of the meds, she swallowed slowly.

"Kara?" he called her name softly.

Her face twisted in an unconscious grimace. He scowled, _Frak. !_

"Kara, it's okay. I'm not- I mean, I don't think… I…"

Her head snapped up, "Oh, it's okay is it? Well thanks! That's such a relief to know that it's okay that I was raped and beaten and my best friend just sat back watching it all."

Lee recoiled from her words, "_What?_ I didn't 'just sit back' and watch! Zarek contacted us over long-wave wireless and sent us the signal. You were parsecs away, I couldn't do anything!"

"Couldn't do anything but watch!" she hissed in disgust, wrapping her arms around her chest. Kara's head was reeling, her stomach was roiling and she blinked rapidly forcing the tears back.

"Kara, no! It wasn't like that! I watched because I needed to see –I had to know what was happening!"

She looked sickened so he tried again, desperate for her to understand, "I didn't _want_ to watch it; I didn't want to see _that_. Gods know I wish I never did." She glared at him, he dropped his head, "No, I mean that I wish none of it ever happened, and I wish I could get the image of what they did to you out of my brain."

"Well, I'm sorry if my experiences are painful for you to remember," she growled.

Lee took a deep slow breath, _stay calm,_ he ordered himself, _stay focused and just rise above it._ He reached out and gently put his hand over hers. She flinched, as always, but he kept it there and for once didn't try to hide the pain her reaction caused him,

"Kara," he said softly. She looked up at him warily. "I watched the feed Zarek sent because I couldn't leave you alone there. I couldn't do anything else so I thought I could at least stay with you in spirit, no matter how hard it was to watch, no matter how much it hurt to see what they did to you."

She made a small sound but Lee couldn't tell if it was a whimper or a snort of derision and the stormy look on her face revealed nothing so he went on, "I couldn't bear to turn it off Kara. It nearly killed me when we lost you the first time, I couldn't bear the idea of letting you go again," his voice cracked.

She stared at him in disbelief as tears welled up in his eyes and he didn't try to hide them.

"You mean the worlds to me, Kara, and even though it hurt worst than anything I've ever felt, I couldn't look away from even that little bit of contact."

The compassion and warmth she felt rising in her chest were easily crushed under the weight of anger she called up from the darkest parts of herself, "so you watched them do that to me because it would make you feel better?" she jabbed at him, willing herself to look him dead in the eye while she drove the point home. "Did you even think about whether or not I would want you to watch it?"

"Well, no, I- I mean, sort of. I couldn't really think, I just knew I couldn't let you go again," he offered softly.

"Great, well, now thanks to your _need_ you're stuck with the images of what happened to me and I'm stuck with a best friend who can barely even bring himself to touch me because he knows exactly what those monsters did to me."

Lee blinked, "What? What are you talking about?"

Kara snorted derisively, "You think I'm too stupid or too doped up to notice you flinch and cringe every time you touch me? You think I haven't noticed that you look a little sick every time you hug me or lie down next to me?" her voice rose with anger, "Zeus and Hera, Lee, I'm not blind! I figured you were just nervous about hurting me or it was the burns or something. But now," she spat, "now I know it's because you can't stand it; Mr. goodie-two-shoes-Leland Adama is just disgusted to be in such close proximity to the damaged goods of Kara Thrace."

He stared at her in disbelief, "What? No! Kara, how could you believe that?"

She stared right back, her mouth twisting viciously, "don't feed me garbage, Lee. Just be honest with me, it's the least you can do for me now."

He shook his head firmly, "No, that's not the truth, that's not how I feel at all."

She glared at him silently.

He took her hand in his and moved up to sit on the edge of the bed facing her. He stared in to her eyes intently and spoke in a low but gentle tone, "Kara, I am not now nor have I ever been disgusted to be near you." He paused to let that statement hang on its own significance before continuing slowly, "what I saw happen to you did nothing, _nothing_, to change how I feel about you. You are the best friend I've ever had and nothing could change that."

Kara blinked furiously but didn't pull her hand away, "Then why do you cringe like that when you touch me? Why do you look so weird when we're alone together?"

Lee cocked his head and smiled at her sadly, "I didn't know I was so obvious but it's nothing to do with what I saw." He ducked his head to catch her eye, "Kara, I'm reacting to the fact that when I touch you, _you_ flinch and pull back."

She looked at him like he had two heads, "No I don't."

He smiled softly and nodded slowly, "yes you do. Ever since you've been back you flinch every time I touch you. I kept doing it because once you get over that first reaction it seems to help you calm down and Stoffa said it was probably good for you."

She stared at him.

He nodded again, his lips drawing into a tense line in spite of himself, "I hate hurting you, or scaring you, or whatever it is I'm doing and I'm sorry that showed on my face and just made it worse." He sighed, his voice catching in his throat, "but I _promise_ you it has nothing to do with feeling disgusted or angry with you, I just hate that what those animals did to you didn't end when we got you home. You _do_ mean the worlds to me and when I saw you on that grainy vid feed I just- despite everything else I saw and what you'd been through, I thanked every god I could think of just for keeping you alive. Really and truly, Kara, nothing that happened aboard the Astral Queen could ever change how I feel about you."

She squinted her eyes, "You don't know that."

"Yes I do."

She shrugged but said nothing.

"Kara?" he probed gently. "What do you mean 'I don't know that'?"

She sighed heavily but when her eyes flashed up to his the spark of anger in them put him on guard once again, "You say what you saw didn't change how you see me, fine. But that doesn't mean shit." She chewed on her bottom lip.

He waited, watching her face for any sign that he should back off. He pressed forward, "Kara, you have to tell me what you're talking about."

"I do?" her voice rose as he watched the anger colour her cheeks.

_Frak me, here we go again,_ Lee thought to himself. _Gods, how many times do we have to do this?_

Stoffa's voice rang in his ears, '_She was testing you to see if she can afford to let herself rely on you.' _Lee gritted his teeth and mentally pulled himself together. _Just rise above it._

"Yup," he smiled at her, "you do 'cause I'm not gonna let up 'til you do."

Her eyes narrowed, her lips curled back in a snarl, "So, want more dirty details, eh? Apollo? You want to hear all about what happened? You want to know just how many times he raped me before you got to waltz your rescue team in to save me? You want to know every filthy and dirty thing they did to me, everything I let them do to me?"

The coldness in her tone sent a shudder up his spine, he covered it with a shake of his head, "Nope, this isn't about voyeurism, Kara. This is about us resolving the issue between us. I don't care what they did or what they made you do. All I care about is that you're home safe again."

She tossed her head, "That's easy for you to say now, Lee, but you don't know. You can't know how you'll feel about me if I tell you everyth-" despite her desperate attempt to control it her voice failed as a sob welled up in her throat. She bit down on her lip, furious with herself. Despite his attempt to reign in his own reaction, Lee's face broke a little as he watched her struggling to retain her composure.

They both leapt a mile high when the intimate silence of the small room was rent by a sharp sound. Kara's round eyes flashed up to Lee's in a panic before she recognized the ship-wide alarm.

"_Action stations, action stations, set condition one throughout the fleet,"_ Dee's voice rang throughout the ship, her calm tones betraying none of the tension her words sent rippling through the entire crew.

Lee blinked at Kara for a moment before his brain slid fluidly into CAG mode and he absently ran through the pilots currently flying CAP and their ability to manage an attack. Kara found herself half-smiling at the familiarity of the alarm and the sense of home it brought back.

"Frak me, I never thought I'd be happy to hear that sound," she quipped.

Lee frowned and she could sense the sudden divide in his attention, "Kara, I-"

She shook her head slowly and offered him a reassuring half-grin, "Go on, Lee. After this long a dry spell, the fleet needs their CAG."

Lee nodded as he slid off her bed. He had to go, his mind was already half gone running through various checklists and mental notes, but he hated to leave her side, especially in the middle of this discussion. She put a gentle hand on his arm, "Go ahead. I'm not going anywhere."

Lee nodded again absently before suddenly darting in to press a hard kiss to her forehead. After holding the kiss for a long moment he quickly turned, somehow suddenly embarrassed and awkward, and strode towards the door.

"Lee?" her voice caught him at the threshold and he turned back towards the bed.

"Good hunting, Captain," she said with grin as she knocked off a purposefully quick and sloppy salute.

The tension around his heart let go as he caught sight of a flash of Starbuck in her smirking grin. _She may not be going anywhere but she _is_ coming back, _he thought with a quick flash of hope. Snapping to attention he offered her a parade-ground perfect salute in return before dashing out the door just as Dee's voice sounded again calling him to the CIC.

* * *

_Let me know you're still out there and drop me a review even though I don't deserve your loyalty? Pretty, pretty please?_


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N: I won't apologise here again. You guys deserve better and I feel terribly for being away for so long. School got in the way and then real life and then I had nothing left to give. It is what it is and I can't change it now. All I can do is offer this chapter up and let you know the next is already in the works._

_I'm sorry for the "*-break-*" but this stupid text editor won't let me use three asterisks to denote a change in time in the middle of the chapter please read the "*-break-*" as you would a line of three asterisks. Nor will it let me put larger spaces between paragraphs to add to the mental space - if anyone knows how to do either of these things, please share!_

_Lots of love! – Pru_

_*Please note: I own nothing worth anything, never mind something as massive as BSG. I just sit at my computer and this comes pouring out. It's not my fault they wrote something that inspired so many of us to create something with it of our own*_

* * *

**Chapter 26**

"So, let me get this straight," President Roslin turned and slipped off her glasses to stare intently at Doctor Cottle sitting beside her in Commander Adama's quarters. "You're saying Tom Zarek was under the influence of drugs when he took Kara Thrace hostage and it's taken all this time for him to sober up?"

Laura braced herself against the anxiety rippling through her chest and took a deep breath, watching the doctor intently.

"Not exactly, Madame President," Cottle corrected her. "It's not so much sobering up as waiting out the detoxification process. Many narcotics cause physical symptoms during withdrawal from use: some cause nausea and headaches, others cause periods of depression or even mild hallucinations. And some, such as Doxy, can actually trigger psychotic episodes that can last for extended periods of time before the body is able to process all of the toxins.

"Doxy?"

"Dioxyphetadant," Cottle explained. "It's a powerful stimulant that can have serious side effects when taken in high doses. Unfortunately for us, it is relatively easy to make with a handful of household items and basic high school chemistry skills. It's running through the fleet right now but the strains we've seen are relatively mild and given our general shortage of resources, it's expensive enough that we haven't had a problem with serious addiction or abuse."

"Except for Tom Zarek."

"Yes Ma'am, except for Zarek and most of his crew but he seems to be the worst off. From the state he's been in I'd guess that he's been using a lot of it for quite some time now, they must have been making it themselves on the Astral Queen."

She felt a bubble of frustration and fear building in her gut and willed it back down, "And you're saying he did all this because of some drug?" She flinched inwardly at the accusatory tone tingeing the question.

"No," Cottle cocked an eyebrow at her, "I'm saying his body was used to a high dose of this powerful drug and his psychological instability when he was brought onboard the Galactica was caused by a physiological reaction to suddenly cutting off its supply."

Laura waited for him to go on, forcing her fingers to unclench.

Cottle sighed and continued patiently, "The metabolism of Dioxyphetadant produces a neurotoxin that stimulates brain activity. In low doses it increases alertness and cognitive functioning but in higher doses or even in low doses over time, it can build up and eventually cause symptoms such as paranoia, hallucinations, delusions and an overall state of, as we in the medical field like to call it, 'bat-shit-crazy'.

The beauty of pure Dioxyphetadant, from a pharmaceutical perspective, is that the neurotoxin is a compound that processes in a unique way so that the chemical that makes you think clearer suppresses most of the bat-shit-crazy side of the stimulant and the patient stays nice and even. The problem with the made-in-your-bathtub-Doxy is that it's never pure and getting the mixture just right is nearly impossible. Most times you end up with just the crazy left in the brain at the tail end of the high but in cases like Zarek's, over time you build up more and more of the crazy and when you cut off the supply of the calming agent all together you're left with nothing _but_ the crazy until the body is eventually able to wash it out of the system."

Laura blinked and opened her mouth to speak but the doctor cut her off quickly, "and in answer to your question, Madame President, no, it was not the Doxy that _made_ Zarek do all that to Thrace. It probably helped push him over the edge, especially when he was between peak dosages, but it was never found to cause aggression or violence in normal subjects who did not already have a history of violent behaviour."

"But it might have brought out that side of his personality?"

Cottle nodded.

"What I'd like to know," The Commander interrupted from on the other side of his desk, "is why this didn't show up in his blood work."

Cottle sighed and sat back against the couch, "another aspect of the unique chemical nature of Dioxyphetadant. It processes out of the bloodstream incredibly quickly, leaving just the neurotoxin in the brain and it's only detectable in a biopsy of brain tissue itself."

"So, we don't know for sure that's what happened?"

Cottle shook his head at the Commander's question, "Not absolutely for certain, no. But I don't know of any other substance that would produce these effects."

"Unless Zarek knows about this Doxy and is faking it to set up a defence for himself," Bill said darkly.

Cottle shrugged, "Possibly. But if that's the case, he's one hell of an actor with intricate knowledge of just how to recreate the symptoms of toxic-psychosis. It's just been sitting out there since the marines brought it back but I'm sure that if we check the Astral Queen we'll find their lab and if we're still in doubt, I could do an endoscopic sub-cranial biopsy and test one of her crew. If I were a betting man, however, I'd put my last cubit on the Doxy with or without the test."

Bill nodded thoughtfully. _Well, I suppose that concludes the science portion of our entertainment, ladies and gentlemen,_ he thought sardonically. Before he could open his mouth to speak again, however, he was cut off by the sharp sound of the shipwide alarm and Dee's voice, _"Action stations, action stations, set condition one throughout the fleet."_

The comm unit mounted on the wall next to his desk buzzed almost simultaneously with the alarm and the Commander snatched up the hand-unit, "Adama here, talk to me, Saul."

The tension in the small room all but crackled while the Commander listened intently to his second in command on the other end of the line.

Adama nodded twice quickly, "Be right there," he muttered as he hung up the handset and stood.

"Six Cylon raiders on DRADIS," he explained quickly as he moved around the desk, "but it doesn't look like they've seen us yet. You'll have to excuse me, I'm needed in CIC. Madame President, Doctor Stoffa, please make yourselves at home here in my quarters, you're both going to have to stay here with us on the Galactica until we've jumped to safety I'm afraid. I'll be back as soon as I can and we'll continue this discussion about our prisoner then."

He moved towards the door, "I'm not anticipating many casualties, Doc, but if you wouldn't mind preparing things on your end just in case?"

"I'm already on it," the older man replied following hot on the Commander's heels as he rushed through the hatch.

*-break-*

"How long until we're ready to jump?" Commander Adama asked tersely, his eyes scanning the DRADIS screen overhead as he strode into the CIC.

"Still waiting on the last of the civilian fleet, Sir," Dee replied anxiously.

Lee's voice crackled over the wireless, "Our DRADIS displays are pretty muddy, can you help us out here, Actual?"

"Half dozen bogeys," Tigh snapped out sharply, updating the Commander. "Looks like a small scouting party but we have to take them out before they have the chance to jump back and give our location to the rest of their kind." He looked to Gaeta who jumped in quickly,

"The raiders are baring 065-Karon-158, Apollo. If you follow your current heading you should be coming into visual range any second now."

"Galactica Actual?" another voice crackled over the wireless speakers. "Hotwire here. We have visual on the raiders, they're just drifting along Sir, checking out the asteroids. Looks like they haven't picked up the fleet yet. Permission to engage weapons free?"

"Fire away," Tigh ordered, his hands clenched on the display table in front of him.

Out in the jumble of asteroids Lee's viper came around a particularly large rock and he was greeted with the sight of a raging air battle.

A sharp cry over his wireless coincided with a bright flash to his right, "Actual? Backbone's Viper just went up, where's the S.A.R. raptor?"

Tigh looked to Gaeta expectantly.

"S.A.R. raptor two minutes out."

Lee turned his attention to the melee in front of him. He watched the raiders circling and cutting around his pilots before engaging the closest raider, sweeping in behind it as it screamed by hot the trail of one of the CAP vipers. It was hard to put his finger on it exactly but it just felt different; he felt different.

Cursing under his breath he circled around behind the raider again. _C'mon Apollo, a couple weeks off and you're this rusty already? _He chided himself just before he rolled hard and managed to land a barrage dead centre on the raider's head. The flash of its explosion was all the more satisfying after the frustrating chase.

Taking a quick stock of the scene before him, he noticed the rest of the vipers having similar trouble with the few remaining raiders.

"Come on guys," he called encouragingly out over his mic. "Take your time. Work the bait and bail just like in practice. That's the way Kat, nice shot!" he called as another raider burst apart in a ball of flame. Kat's cheering shout over the wireless tugged at his heart. _Kara would have loved this,_ he thought briefly before he reigned himself in, refusing to acknowledge how much he missed flying with her; refusing to let himself think about the possibility of never flying with her again.

_She's home again,_ _for frak's sake, _he reminded himself, _don't get greedy now! _

As it had every time he stopped and thought about it, the knowledge that Kara was home safe, if not yet quite sound, sent a sweet wave of relief rolling through him as he turned his attention back to the battle.

A few minutes later it was all over and the six raiders that should have been no problem had managed to take out three vipers. One pilot ejected and was picked up by the search and rescue raptor but the other two souls were lost when their ships exploded.

Lee braced himself for the jump as soon as he heard the last pilot confirm mag lock on the landing bay. The silence in his cockpit was almost startling after the noise and action of the battle and the subsequent race back to the Galactica. He felt the familiar squeeze as the FTL drive kicked in and in the split second before the world vanished he let his thoughts drift back to Kara. The idea of rehashing the battle with her brought a smile to his face but then the familiar normality of the image had him shaking his head, _Frak, just when did fighting for our lives become normal?_

And then the lift was firing and he was back in the harsh light of hangar deck.

*-break-*

Kara sat trying to read for a couple of minutes after Lee left.

"Frak this," she finally said to the empty room as she tossed the book aside and slid her legs over the side of the bed. She balanced on one leg shakily and tried in vain to reach the crutches that were leaning against the wall. "Damn it!" she cursed finally, sagging back against the bed. Taking a deep breath she stood up again and steadied herself in preparation to hop to her only means of self-propulsion.

"And just where do you think you're going, young lady?" the gruff voice startled her and she tottered momentarily before catching hold of the table next to her bed.

Cottle cursed himself silently when he saw the look of fear skitter across Kara's face at the sound of his sharp voice. He forced himself to relax and smile at the young woman. She grinned back and raised an eyebrow,

"What, can't a girl go for a stroll on her own every once in a while?"

"Not when that girl is a mule-headed viper-jock with no respect for neither my medical advice nor my orders as a superior officer!" he quipped back, slipping a firm hand under her arm and helping her back to the head of the bed.

"What if I just needed to go to the head and didn't want to bother you guys?" Kara asked innocently.

"You don't and you didn't. You were going to CIC to see what this alarm was all about."

"No I wasn't."

Cottle scowled at her as he eased her back onto the bed.

"I wasn't!" Kara's snapped but without her usual heat, "I figured the first place you'd look was CIC. _I_ was going to the deck to see if they knew what was happening."

"Oh well then, my mistake," Cottle amended sarcastically, "by all means hop around without your crutches and then go wandering off alone against medical orders. It's not like I've invested any time or energy into your recovery or anything."

Kara smirked at the doctor as he puttered around her checking her bandages.

"How's the chest?"

"Still breathing."

He nodded and slid his stethoscope down the front of her tanks, "Deep breath in and hold."

Kara did as she was told.

"And slowly out."

Cottle's face gave nothing away as he moved the stethoscope around her chest and had her repeat the process several times. When he moved to her back, and still hadn't said a word, Kara started getting antsy.

"Well?"

Cottle ignored her question and scribbled away on her chart.

Kara fiddled with the hem of her tanks until Cottle moved down to her leg and started removing her brace.

"Let's see how this knee is doing, shall we?"

A few minutes of semi-agonizing poking and moving later, he wrapped the brace back into place and went back to his notes. The doctor then proceeded to examine her various other injuries asking her short questions and muttering orders before noting everything on her chart. Finally, he slid his pen back into his breast pocket and looked up to meet Kara's gaze. He sighed and nudged her over so he could sit on the edge of her bed.

"Ready for an update, kiddo?" he asked.

Kara swallowed the knot in her throat. _No! No I'm not, Lee's not here!_ She nodded.

"Well, the good news is that you are on the mend. You've regained some range of motion in that leg and the burns and cuts are healing nicely, even if you probably will end up with some scarring. Ishay's note says that as of yesterday you've gained three pounds, which is better than nothing, but not quite as much as I'd like. I won't know about your hand until that cast comes off in another couple of weeks but based on the decreased pain and the mobility of your fingers, I'd guess it's healing nicely too."

He paused and looked down at his notes, gathering his thoughts.

Kara waited.

"Now, when it comes to that knee," he looked back up at Kara and his hesitant tone of voice had her hands itching to throttle the news out of him, "it's better than it was but it's not progressing as quickly as I'd hoped in that brace. Looks like it'll need at least one more surgery, maybe more, before we can get you up and moving around without the sticks," he jerked his thumb over his shoulder towards her crutches.

Kara nodded silently, chewing absently on her lower lip. _Frak walking, what about flying?_ She didn't dare ask the question out loud.

"Before we operate, however, we need to get some of your strength back which means _you_ need to be eating more and we need to get you on a PT regime to build back some of the good muscles in that leg to help stabilize the knee so I can repair the ligaments."

Kara nodded again because the doctor seemed to be waiting for some kind of response.

Cottle shifted the chart in his hands and flipped a page absently, "And now, as for those lungs of yours. Well, I'm sorry to report they aren't healing as quickly as I would have liked either."

Kara bit down on her lip harder.

"Now, that doesn't mean they won't heal. They're just taking their own sweet time about it." Cottle waited until Kara looked up to meet his gaze before he went on aggressively, "I mean that, Thrace, I'm not giving up on them and I'm not about to let you either. Like the knee, they just need therapy."

Kara nodded absently, staring down at her hands and doing her best to keep her mind from running right into its darkest corners with this latest bad news.

"Thrace," Cottle snapped, bringing her eyes back to his, "listen to me now. You're ribs are healing and the muscles between them will follow, that will mean a huge improvement for your lungs in terms of giving them room to move as they should. Unfortunately, you also have some damage in the lungs themselves. I don't know where it came from exactly, maybe that infection-I don't know- but it means that the amount of healthy lung tissue you have, the tissue that allows oxygen to flow into your bloodstream and carbon-dioxide to flow out, is reduced so each breath is less efficient. It also means your body keeps producing more phlegm and mucus to try and lubricate the damaged areas, resulting in congestion and, again, a decreased ability to breath. We still have plenty of options for treatment, however, so don't you dare get all pessimistic and moody on me now, you hear me girl? We just need to figure out exactly what's going on in there so we can figure out how to fix it."

Kara stared up at Cottle intently, trying to read his face for any signs of false encouragement. She found only his usual frank gaze.

"I- I think I know what happened," she said quietly.

Cottle waited as she chewed away on her bottom lip some more.

"He… they, well, could the damage be from breathing in nasty liquid?"

Cottle stared at her quizzically, "what do you mean by 'nasty'?"

"Well, I mean, uhm, if I had inhaled some dirty water with maybe some chemicals in it, would that explain the damage?"

Cottle nodded slowly, his eyes intent on hers, "Thrace, what are you talking about _exactly_?"

Kara huffed out a breath impatiently, "Look, they held my head under in a bucket of stuff, water mixed with stuff, I don't know what it was but I'm pretty sure I inhaled some of it; it burned like Hades in my nose and throat and eyes and it reeked." She glared up at the doctor.

He nodded again, carefully locking away the violent reaction he had to the image she was describing.

"Yes, I suppose that could explain it, exposure to toxins or bacteria," he coughed awkwardly, sure he should say something comforting, something soothing, but without any idea of what that something was. "Uhm well, yes, " he mumbled before turning to make a note on her chart. "Based on what we now know, uhm… happened, we'll run some more tests and get you started on some pulmonary treatments as well," he said to the chart.

Eventually, the doctor looked up again and frowned at Kara, "So, we'll get started on that PT and see if we can't get you up and mobile again, eh?" He patted her good leg self-consciously and rose to leave.

"Doc?"

He paused at the foot of her bed and looked back at her.

"You don't know anything about the alarm, do you?"

Cottle shrugged, "same as every other frakking time it goes off, far as I know: Cylon raiders showing up on DRADIS. Nothing our vipers can't handle this time. Only a matter of time until the Old Man has us jumping away I should think."

As if on cue, they both felt the momentary unnatural pressure that preceded an imminent FTL jump.

Kara blinked on the other side of the galaxy.

"Frak me," she muttered, rubbing the heel of her hand against her chest gingerly.

Cottle smiled ruefully, "The pressure smarts?"

Kara shrugged, "it's not too bad, just feels strange."

"Any trouble taking a deep breath now?"

She obediently took a deep suck of air, "Nope."

Cottle nodded, pleased, "Okay then, I gotta go check on the rest of my patients." He jabbed a finger at her, "you stay put in that bed unless someone's here to help you, got it, Lieutenant?"

"Aye, Sir," Starbuck grinned.

" 'Aye, Sir' my ass" he muttered as he made his way to the door. "I mean it, Starbuck, you behave yourself or I'll double up that PT schedule!" he growled over his shoulder as he grabbed a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket.

Kara smiled faintly to herself as the grizzled doctor stomped away down the hall.

* * *

_A/N: Seriously, you guys are the best and I don't deserve you. I love you all and am working on the next chapter as you read this!_


	27. Chapter 27

_A/N I own nothing but this messed up plot line that somehow seems to keep some folks reading despite my horrifyingly irregular posting._

_This one was tough to write, hope you like it.._

* * *

The fleet safely re-established after the jump, Bill left Tigh in the CIC and headed back to his quarters. The usual bustle of the ship had resumed once the immediate danger had passed but he barely noticed it as he walked the familiar route on autopilot.

As soon as the last Cylon had been destroyed and his surviving pilots were all safely back on board, thoughts of Kara had filled his thoughts and as he walked he let his mind wander back to the first time Cottle had allowed him to see her.

_He hesitated outside her door, giving himself a moment to rally and shore up his defences before seeing her again. Inside, he froze in the doorway. In Lee's arms she had looked battered and bruised but she'd still been Kara. Lying there all cleaned up on the bed she looked small, broken and wasted; he barely even recognized his girl._

Bill ground his teeth together as he walked, remembering the bruises, the cuts, the gaunt hallows of Kara's cheeks. The image of her face was quickly replaced by one of Tom Zarek's but Bill willed it away, knowing he'd have to confront the issue of Zarek shortly. His thoughts drifted back to the day he'd first seen Kara lying so still on that bed.

_Crossing to her side slowly, he struggled to contain his warring emotions. Despite his best efforts, though, he hadn't been able to keep back the tears when she opened her eyes and flinched at the sight of him standing near her. She recovered quickly, offering him an awkward half-smile and lifting her hand as if to reach for his before she faltered._

_Acting purely on impulse, he stepped to the side of her bed and slid his hand over hers, marvelling at how small and frail it felt. Looking down at her, it hurt to see her eyes suddenly welling up as she pursed her lips and tried to force a grin._

"_Whadda ya hear, Starbuck?" he hadn't meant to whisper it._

_The short sob that had exploded out past her pale, dry lips had almost broken him._

"_Nothing but the rain, Sir," she finally returned, biting back her tears and smiling up at him fiercely._

"_Then grab your gun and bring in that damn cat," he said firmly, giving her hand a gentle squeeze_

_She stared up at him for a moment, her eyes locked on his. And then her face had twisted briefly and she'd let out a sharp half-laugh half-sob before absently swiping at her wet cheeks._

As he approached his quarters, Bill sighed and reached up under his glasses to massage where they pinched the bridge of his nose. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been able to sleep without the image of Kara's tears haunting his dreams.

. . .

After a brief discussion with the president and the two doctors, Adama was walking the corridors of Galactica once again. This time, however, he was not alone and he didn't dare let his thoughts wander to Kara.

When the small group finally reached the brig he returned the guard's salute automatically, with barely a glance at the young marine as he stalked through the hatch.

And there _he_ was, sitting calmly on his small cot, his hands clasped loosely between his knees.

Tom Zarek looked up at the sound of the hatch closing, his face blank. He looked at each of his visitors in turn, pausing momentarily on Stoffa, before he rose slowly and bowed his head in sombre greeting.

Stoffa studied the man in the cell closely, her eyes taking in the wild hair, the sunken eyes, the sallow skin and the jaundiced blush of fading bruises on one cheek. When their eyes met, she was surprised by the empty stare of the caged man.

Finally, Commander Adama spoke, his voice low and almost threatening,

"I was told you have been asking to speak with us," he said.

Zarek nodded his head slowly, stepping closer to the bars of his cell. "I have," he said, his voice rough and raw. He coughed and cleared his throat before tossing his greasy hair out of his face, tugging at a stubborn lock with one hand. It was only then that Stoffa noticed his hands were shackled and his wrists showed both old and new abrasions obviously made by the metal cuffs he wore.

Zarek met Adama's stare evenly but without any hint of defiance or anger.

"My memory is not one hundred percent clear but I believe that, while under the influence of a serious narcotic, I have committed some horrendous deeds-" his voice caught.

President Roslin stepped forward, her voice sharp, "and this narcotic is to blame for what you've done? You were out of your mind on drugs and not capable of controlling your actions and therefore should not be held accountable for them?"

Zarek shook his head emphatically, "No Ma'am. I don't believe that. Yes, my behaviour was out of control and it was influenced by the drugs but I firmly believe that I _should_ be held accountable for all of my actions."

Adama squinted at Zarek, trying to read his face. Zarek stared back.

"What exactly do you mean, Mr. Zarek?" Bill finally asked, his voice clipped and tight.

"I mean that I wish to plead guilty for whatever crimes you wish to try me."

"And?" Roslin prompted him.

"And nothing, Madame President," Zarek looked slightly confused.

"And nothing? We're supposed to believe this isn't some backhanded defence plan you're cooking up?"

"You can believe whatever you like, Ma'am," Zarek said softly, opening his hands to show his empty palms, "all I can say is that I am more sorry than I can ever express for what I have done and that at this point all I can think to do is surrender myself to the justice of the fleet."

_Ah ha_, thought Bill. He exchanged a look with Roslin, his hands clenching into fists as his sides.

"So, you think pleading guilty and 'surrendering yourself' will get you some kind of mercy? What makes you think a monster like you deserves anything from us?" Bill hissed.

Zarek raised his empty hands defensively, his eyes darting between Adama and Roslin, "I never said anything about mercy," he said simply, "because I don't believe I deserve any. I _know_ I deserve whatever punishment you choose to deliver. I _know_-" his voice caught and he lowered his eyes as he cleared his throat once again, "I know that I can never undo the pain and suffering I have caused but I can do whatever I can to minimize any further harm stemming from my actions. And that's all I'm trying to do here." His voice broke and Bill was surprised to see tears welling up in Zarek's eyes as his shoulders sagged in dejection.

Something snapped in Bill, "Cut the horseshit, Zarek! I don't know exactly what you hope this frakking act will get you but I promise you, it's not going to work." He closed the distance between himself and the metal bars, his voice rising, "Drugs or no drugs, you did what you did and I swear by every last god and goddess that you are going to pay for it!" he spat the words out and relished in their effect on their target as Zarek flinched and somehow managed to look even more broken.

"You don't think I know that?" Zarek pleaded. "You think that after all this time I would expect you to let me walk away from this?"

"Ah," Roslin interjected quietly. "So that's it, is it? You cannot escape our justice so you embrace it and hope to turn yourself into some kind of martyr?"

Zarek shook his head, a little of his old stature returning as he argued his point, "No! I'm no martyr. I am no one. I am nothing, I don't even want to be remembered, let alone revered.

I dedicated my life to fighting for the oppressed and disenfranchised and I saw violence as the only avenue of power left to people like me. So I used it. And people were hurt. I mourned the loss of human life but still stand by the fact we were at war and you cannot fight a war and not expect some casualties. But this… this was, this _is,_ different. This is utterly inexcusable and I don't even deserve to stand here breathing the same air as you."

Bill flashed a hand out through the bars and grabbed the collar of Zarek's shirt. With a single jerk he dragged the other man to him, slamming Zarek's head against the cold metal.

"You listen here, you disgusting excuse for a human being," Bill snarled, their faces separated only by the inch and a half of space the bars held between them. "You _are_ nothing. You are _less than_ _nothing_. If I wanted to, I could have that guard... I could make sure you spend the rest of your _filthy little life_ in agonizing pain."

Zarek flinched back but Bill only twisted his grip tighter into the rough material and slammed him back into the bars.

"Do you hear me, Zarek? You deserve nothing from us and you will get nothing!" his voice was rising again but he didn't care. The anger flowed through him hotly and he let it gush forth, banging Zarek against the metal barrier repeatedly as he spoke, "I don't know what this little plan of yours is but it won't work! _I'm_ not going to let it work. You are _mine_ and you are going to pay dearly for all that you have done. You will suffer. You will know pain. I will make you wish you were dead. You thought your experiences in prison were bad? That will be nothing compared to what I am going to do to you!"

He twisted his fist again and watched as Zarek reached a finger up to scrabble at the material that was tightening around his throat; he stared at the other man as his eyes began to roll in desperation, as he strained to relieve the pressure on his windpipe. Bill jerked Zarek down, forcing the other man to bend and stoop in an awkward half-crouch, before leaning down to hiss in his ear, "So say _we_ _all."_

Bill flung the shackled man away from him in disgust. He stood, his chest heaving, as he watched Zarek stumble back from the bars. Finally Zarek looked up and met his cold stare.

After a long moment, the Commander turned on his heel and stormed out of the brig.

Zarek took a handful of shaky breaths and turned his gaze at Roslin.

Laura stared at her old adversary, trying to grasp some sense of this new man.

It was Stoffa who finally broke the silence, turning away from the prisoner she addressed the president and Cottle, "If you are all finished with your questions, might I be left alone to conduct my assessment please?"

Roslin blinked and stared at her. Cottle guffawed at her polite request and the look on the President's face.

Stoffa made a small shooing motion towards the door, "Please, if I am to make a full assessment I will need to be left alone with my patient."

When neither of the other two moved she tried again,

"You asked me here to offer my professional assessment of Mr. Zarek's current mental status. I cannot offer you that assessment unless I am given the opportunity to properly assess him and I cannot do so with you three here," she met Roslin's glare calmly, as if she were completely oblivious to the reaction her request was eliciting.

Roslin was torn. She could see a point to having an assessment from someone with no prior contact with Zarek and, perhaps more importantly, with whom _he_ had no prior contact; with a stranger he had no information about what buttons to push, which angle to play. Zarek's intelligence, charisma and knack for manipulation, however, could not be underestimated and if Stoffa got sucked into his little game, whatever it was, things could get very, very, messy.

Watching the calm doctor as she waited and clearly expected her request to be granted, Laura suddenly felt the tension in her chest release. _This is all right_, she realized.

She cleared her throat and placed a gentle but firm hand on Cottle's arm, "She's right, Doctor. Let's leave them alone for the assessment."

Cottle turned to look at her, plumbing her face for an ulterior motive of her own. Finally, he nodded his head once before barking an order at the marine,

"That door stays locked," he jerked his head at the barred door of the cell, "no one gets within three feet on either side of it."

The marine saluted crisply as the doctor stalked out of the brig. Roslin lingered with Stoffa, studying the other woman for a moment.

"I eagerly await your report, Doctor," she said before turning and making her way back out of the hatch.

Out in the corridor, Bill stood shaking his head slightly. His mind was a total blank. _What the frak was that?_ He asked himself.

He had been waiting for that confrontation for so long, he couldn't believe it was over so quickly. He clearly remembered walking into the brig and seeing Zarek and then the rest seemed to have rushed past so fast he didn't even know what was going on. What did he even say? Why didn't he say more? He'd been ready to fight, had prepared himself for Zarek's usual duplicitous mind-frakking arguments, not that quiet and resigned confession.

He lifted a hand to tug his glasses off and was surprised to see it shaking visibly.

Bill buried his face in both hands, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes, trying to force away the image of the grief-stricken look on Zarek's face. That was the same man who had… He owed Kara more than just- _Kara_… _Frak, after all that monster did to Kara, that's the best you got, Old Man?_

He felt the now-familiar rage rekindle in his chest. _What the frak was that? Why didn't I do something? I should I have torn that thing limb-from-limb, not asked him a couple of questions and then walked out!_

A slight but firm hand was gripping his arm.

Bill lowered his hands and blinked at Laura.

"That wasn't what any of us were expecting," she said simply, letting go of him and allowing her arm to drop to her side.

Bill found himself nodding, unsure of his voice as he fought back the wave of overwhelming emotion that had flooded him the moment he walked out of the brig.

President Roslin shook her head and echoed a thought his racing mind had been circling, "I just can't match the image of Tom Zarek I have in my head with the man in that cell."

Cottle spoke up from a few paces away, "My vote is to forget all this psychological assessment and trial-tribunal nonsense and just dump him out the nearest airlock." He pulled a long drag from the cigarette Bill hadn't seen him light, "Not that I get a vote," he grumbled as an afterthought.

Roslin grinned humourlessly, "He has a point, Commander. Perhaps it would be better for everyone if Tom Zarek just vanished."

"If you'll excuse me, that's not exactly what I meant, Madame President," Cottle said. "I don't mean for him to just vanish. I mean that he's confessed to everything and between the two of you, you must have the power to sentence him, or to get someone else to, so do it and execute him already. Why squabble over who gets to do it, just kill him and let us all move on already," and with that, the doctor stalked away trailing a cloud of smoke behind him.

Roslin turned back to the commander and raised an eyebrow.

Adama shook his head, "Absolutely not. There is no way we can take a chance with him being martyred over some supposed lack of process," he snapped.

Laura raised her hands defensively, "I agree. This has been a radical turn of events and not at all what either of us was expecting, although," she paused before continuing with another wry half-smile, "perhaps knowing Tom Zarek, we should have expected the unexpected."

Bill slid his glasses back into place and glare at her.

She shrugged, "Alright. Well, let's wait and see what Dr. Stoffa has to say about his mental state, and whether or not this confession is likely to be part of some larger plan of his, before we go rushing to action, shall we?"

Bill nodded. His mind was still racing and he barely had even the slightest control over his emotions but suddenly out of the raging mess emerged his sense of propriety and decorum,

"I have no idea how long this will take, Madame President. Perhaps you would be more comfortable waiting in my quarters?"

She shook her head and, looking closely, Bill noticed for the first time the pinched tension around her eyes. She hid it well but the President was as rattled as he was by their brief interview.

"Thank you," she said. "But I'd rather wait here, if you don't mind."

"Not at all," he returned, leaning back against the bulkhead, "I'd rather wait here myself."

* * *

_A/N as a writer I agonize over the fact that choosing one way to write a scene means giving up other possibilities for the story and this chapter was particularly troublesome. Let me know if you think it worked?_


	28. Chapter 28

_A/N: Working on some of the "meat and potatoes" of the story here - more angst will be coming soon! I still can't insert three a__sterisks for a break in the narrative, anyone know what I'm doing wrong?_

_Also, I own nothing of any value to anyone or anything other than my own sentimentality - least of all BSG or any of it's related material, I'm just enhancing my own (and I hope my readers') enjoyment of the series by playing with some of it's content a little._

* * *

Roberta Stoffa sat back on Commander Adama's couch with a gentle sigh. She rubbed at her temple absently, trying to erase the slight headache that never seemed to leave her these days, and accepted the cup of tea Adama offered with a grateful nod. Savouring the first long sip of the warm liquid she did her best to ignore the three sets of eyes currently staring at her. She took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders and looked up,

"Before we get into my report, may I ask your purpose in calling me in today?" she asked the group, her eyes moving thoughtfully between Adama, Cottle and Roslin and then back again.

The other three just looked at her, obviously thrown off by the question.

"What I mean to say is, for what purpose were you hoping to use my report?" she watched them exchange looks of confusion so she continued, "What questions were you hoping I would answer? Are you asking me to determine if he is fit to stand trial? Am I deciding his fate based on his mental capacity? Do you need information about his current state and the impact of the narcotics? Or are you asking me to explain why he did what he did? In short, why did you invite me here to assess Mr. Zarek?"

Adama leaned forward, cleared his throat and peered over his wire-frame glasses at her, "Dr. Stoffa," he said slowly, "I think I can speak for all three of us when I say that at this point, we are simply looking for any additional information that we can get."

"Yes, but for what purpose?"

"Does that matter?" he blinked in surprise.

"Yes, it does. I need to know what kind of information you are asking for and to what end it might be used."

Silence held the group for a moment.

Stoffa took another sip of her tea, seemingly unfazed by the reactions of the other three.

Finally, Roslin spoke,

"I think I can understand where you are coming from here, doctor," She paused and looked at the Commander and Cottle briefly before continuing, "and all I can say is that we don't know exactly what we are looking for. We have found ourselves in a very complicated situation, the consequences of which may very well ripple out to impact the entire fleet, and we're looking for any kind of insight or information that might assist us in resolving this issue."

"And that issue being?" Stoffa asked.

"In a nutshell? What do we do with Tom Zarek?"

Stoffa nodded and set down her teacup on the coffee table, "And you are looking for my report on his current mental status to perhaps help you make the decision about how to handle his case. Am I correct in assuming that you are not actually offering to give me a voice or any kind of power within this decision making process?"

Roslin glanced at the Commander, "Well,"

Adama spoke up when the president hesitated, "Dr. Stoffa, your report will be taken under advisement and your opinion will certainly count a great deal towards whatever decision we make but, given the political implications of this matter, no, you will not have a direct say in what happens to the prisoner." He fixed her with a steady stare and waited.

Stoffa nodded again, satisfied to finally have the answer she was looking for, "Alright, then." She straightened up and her voice changed slightly to a more formal tone, "I can of course supply you with a more detailed written report at a later date but for today I can offer you my 'in a nutshell' perspective, if that is agreeable?"

The other three nodded, relieved that there wasn't going to be a conflict over her role in the matter.

"Well then, based on this preliminary interview with the patient and what I know of his life and work before the attacks on the colonies, I would say that what happened on board the Astral Queen was the culmination of several compounding factors. I realize that on their own these factors may not seem that powerful but keep in mind that when they occur together their impact can be much more than just the sum of the separate parts. Does that make sense to everyone?"

When they nodded again Stoffa raised her hand and counted off on her finger, "first of all, since the attack on the colonies we've all had to struggle with an absolutely incredible amount of stress, anxiety and grief. Since we fled our homes we've all had to let go of past lives and accept the reality of the bleak future we are left with. And while most of us have gone on with our lives, such as they are now, we cannot underestimate the momentous trauma we've all experienced, and that includes Tom Zarek."

"Secondly," she tapped on her second finger, "on top of that life-altering experience, Zarek and his men were then exiled from the last remaining vestiges of the human race with no hope for regaining contact. The absolute desolation and desperation of that situation is, I hope, understood by you all. They were essentially sitting out there in their ship simply waiting to die as their supplies slowly ran out."

Adama opened his mouth but Stoffa raised her hand, "please, Commander, let me finish before you interject?"

He closed his mouth and bowed his head in acquiescence.

"Thank you. I'm not suggesting any unnecessary cruelty or undo action on the part of those who exiled him and his men, you needed to protect the fleet and he demonstrated quite clearly that he was not to be trusted. I'm merely pointing out what kind of impact that type of situation can have on the psyche of those who find themselves within it. They'd hoped Kobol would offer them a chance to resupply but apparently an old repair on the hull weakened and entering the planetary atmosphere would have torn the ship apart?" she looked questioningly at the Commander to confirm the fact.

He nodded solemnly, "this is true. After one of the men from the Astral Queen informed us of their concerns my engineers checked it out and there is a significant weakness that eliminated any chance of safely landing on any planet capable of supporting life."

Stoffa nodded her thanks for his information before continuing, "So, in the end they were left with enough supplies just to live long enough to fully understand how utterly hopeless their situation was."

Stoffa counted on her third finger, "Now, for our third factor, Tom Zarek is an obviously intelligent man who spent his entire adult life wrapped up in conflict and struggle and, perhaps most importantly, working towards specific goals. His entire ego and perspective on life revolved around fighting oppression and his role as a leader-hero. When he was exiled from the fleet, he lost his identity and entire reason d'être. For someone who committed his entire life to fighting, this type of change can be quite a shock. A shock which can trigger: depression, despair, anger, frustration or even hatred for whomever could be blamed for the change. He was a fighter with no fight, a leader without a real group to lead and nowhere to lead them to, he was nothing.

Fourth, in the face of all that, Zarek found an outlet in the drugs. Apparently they had some onboard already and then began producing the Dioxyphetadant themselves and, giving himself up to his fate, it appears that Zarek gave in to a hedonistic suicide of sorts as he took more and more of it. I believe you are all aware of the impact prolonged use of Dioxyphetadant can have? Good, well, then you can imagine what kind of state Tom Zarek was in when the colonial viper suddenly showed up on their DRADIS."

She paused to sip from her teacup once again. Over the rim of the cup Stoffa glanced around the circle of faces staring at her. They appeared attentive and didn't show any signs of rejecting or disagreeing with her thus far.

"Which leaves us with our final factor, the fact that he was essentially in the middle of a complete mental breakdown, which was compounded exponentially by the devastating effects of the narcotics, when out of nowhere there was suddenly a link to his old life, a reminder of all that he'd lost. The fact that it was Kara Thrace's viper only worsened the situation: the Commander's favourite pilot; the woman who nearly killed him on his own ship; a significant symbol of the fleet's power and his old adversary, the colonial government; not to mention the fact that she was the first woman any of them had seen in some time."

Stoffa paused, finding herself suddenly overwhelmed with emotion as the image of Kara's face drifted up through her thoughts.

The Commander took her pause to mean she had finished, "and so you're saying that all those things made Zarek do what he did to her?" his voice was slightly harsher than he intended.

Stoffa blinked and shook her head slightly as if to clear it, "No, they didn't _make_ him do it, but they were compounding factors that influenced his actions. There is no doubt in my mind that Tom Zarek was a violent, perhaps even borderline sociopathic, man before being exiled but his violence always had a target and a justification in his mind. These factors just helped push him over that edge into utter brutality and cruelty. He was always violent and aggressive but before all that I doubt he would have gone to the extremes of what he did to Kara."

She could feel that she was losing them, she'd missed her step somewhere. She tried again,

"What I'm saying is that there was a violent, desperate and utterly hopeless man in complete isolation, under the influence of seriously mind altering substances, who was suddenly handed a helpless victim who also happened to be a lightening rod for an entire life's worth of rage, humiliation, oppression and punishment. The situation didn't _make _him do it but it added to the severity of what he did. The paranoia, the lack of inhibition and no threat of consequence, the desperation, the rage over his situation, it all added fuel to the fire and took away any reason to temper his actions.

In short, I believe that Tom Zarek would, without a doubt, have been capable of causing a great deal of pain to Kara Thrace regardless of the other factors, but that they combined to push him over the brink into utter cruelty, making him capable of a level of brutality he otherwise would not have considered."

"And was he therefore not responsible for that level of brutality?" the President asked coolly.

Stoffa shrugged and shook her head, "That's a complex question, Madame President. Would he have done everything he did in a different situation? No, I don't think so. But does that free him from responsibility or mean he had no idea what he was doing? No, I don't believe that either. And there's the sticky point. If we want to speak legally, based on our old legislative system in the Colonies? I would say yes, he was aware on some level of what he was doing; he was just pushed to a point where he didn't care any more. He suffered a psychotic breakdown of sorts but that doesn't free him from responsibility for what he did."

Cottle spoke up for the first time since Stoffa sat down, "So, there were extenuating circumstances but he was aware that what he was doing was wrong and probably had the capability to control his behaviour, he just didn't."

Stoffa hesitated, uncomfortable with the absolute statement, "Ye-e-s-s, in a sense."

"And you would be willing to go on record stating that?" Adama asked quietly.

"Assuming further interviews or additional information doesn't dispute my current evidence? Yes."

"And what do you think of his current mental state and his apparent submission?" Roslin asked thoughtfully.

"His current mental state is still relatively unstable, I would say. Sobering up here on the Galactica, Zarek has had to face what he did and come to terms with how far he allowed himself to go down that dark road. He doesn't remember everything that happened but he appears genuinely haunted by the flashes of memory he does have about what he did to Kara.

Based on his book and what I know of his early activism, I would say that he wasn't a psychopath before all this, he had his own ideas of morality and what justified violent action, but he held onto that set of morals rather fiercely. Now, however, he's coming to terms with the fact that he threw that all away and he actually seems somewhat frightened by his own brutality.

As for his desire for punishment and submission? I think he has given up, I think he is utterly disgusted with what he saw of himself, with what he is capable of, and honestly believes he doesn't deserve to live. He is aware of the limited resources of the fleet and spoke openly about not wanting to be taking anything away from those who deserve to be here. I can't say for sure, having never met him before this incident, but I believe his submission is genuine and his desire to make any kind of atonement he can is very real. In fact, I would say that he is very likely to attempt suicide and should be monitored closely. He was very adamant about ending the life of the monster he now sees himself to be"

She stopped again and glanced down at her notes, offering the other three a moment to reflect on all of what she'd said.

Finally, the Commander cleared his throat, "Thank you, Dr. Stoffa, you have given us some valuable insight into this matter," He said formally.

"What do you think we should do with him?" the President asked impulsively.

"Oh, well," Stoffa wasn't completely prepared for her sudden frankness. "Professionally? I would say that incarceration without any chance of parole would be appropriate; who knows what this episode will do to his psyche long term, what he will do with the knowledge of what he is truly capable of."

"And personally?" Roslin asked with a raised eyebrow.

Stoffa shook her head, refusing to let her mind wander back to the image of Kara's face when they'd first met and the bruises had still been fresh, "I'm here in a professional capacity and my personal feelings towards Tom Zarek based on what he did to Kara Thrace don't matter."

Roslin gazed at the doctor for a long moment before she nodded thoughtfully and sipped her own tea.

"And now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with Kara," Stoffa said, tucking her notebook back into her small leather briefcase.

The other three rose with her and stood awkwardly as they shook hands all around and thanked her again for her time.

"I'll show you to the Life Station," Cottle offered, "this old bird can get confusing if you're not used to it."

"Thank you, Doctor, I appreciate that."

Roslin sank back into the comfortable leather chair as the two doctors left the room.

"Madame President?" Adama's voice cut through her thoughts.

"Mmm? Sorry, I drifted away there," She twisted in her seat to face him where he was now standing behind her.

"I asked if you would like something a little stronger than that tea," the Commander said, his tone softer than she'd heard it in weeks.

"Oh, yes, please," she said. Slightly flustered, she slid her glasses off and folded them in her hand. "Thank you, something a little stronger would be wonderful," she said with a small smile as she accepted the tumbler from him.

He sat down with a weary sigh on the couch next to her chair. Neither of them spoke as they sipped the amber liquor.

Laura's thoughts were a whirlwind of images and flashes of emotion: Kara's face; Zarek behind the bars of his cell; his furious expression when they sentenced him to exile all those months ago; Kara lying in that cell with that man over her; her own face in the mirror, her lip split, her eye swollen and bruised-

"So," she said, hastily sitting up and almost spilling her drink, "We've heard from the headshrinker but where does that leave us?"

Adama swirled his drink thoughtfully before he answered, "Honestly?" He looked up to lock eyes with her, his tone was tinged with a tired disappointment, "I don't know. I guess I secretly hoped she'd offer us something more specific, something that would resolve all this without a doubt."

Laura sighed, and offered him a rueful smile, "Me too."

"At least with her opinion that he remains a threat we have an outside source should anyone in the fleet suddenly decide to object to our handling of him."

"That's true," the president agreed. "With his confession, however, do we still need to argue over a trial? Can we simply pass sentence on him?"

Adama gritted his teeth, his hand tightened on his glass, "That would be giving him exactly what he wants," he said in a low growl.

Laura was slightly taken aback by his apparent sudden mood swing.

"I know that," she replied, "but it would save us the trouble of fighting over who tries him. And since there's no way he's getting off, maybe we don't need to-"

Adama downed the rest of his drink and leaned forward, his eyes dark, "I don't care who does it anymore but I want that man to have to stand up and take public responsibility for his actions, I don't want him just slinking away and disappearing without a record of what he did."

Bill paused, his voice dropping even lower, "I want the fleet to know just what kind of man Tom Zarek turned out to be and to make sure that happens, I've decided to acquiesce to your request for a civil trial. I will help you in any way I can to make sure that monster in my brig faces what he did and so that there won't be any chance of anyone martyring Saint Zarek after the fact."

Laura blinked at him in surprise; she had never heard such venom and fury in the Commander's voice, "O-okay then," she said finally, nodding as she caught up to the sudden change, "okay. I'll get my people started on convening a sentencing trial."

Adama peered over his glasses at her, "just let me know what you need from me."

He rose, indicating that their meeting was finished, and she followed suit.

"Alright, well, I'll be in touch," she said, offering her hand, still not quite sure of what was happening.

"Thank you," was all he said as he shook her hand quickly and showed her to the door.

**_* Break * Break * Break *_**

The lights were set to their nocturnal dimness as Lee slipped quietly into Kara's room.

He paused at the foot of her bed, listening intently. Her heavy and even breathing told him the sleeping pill was still in full effect and he didn't need to worry about waking her with the slightest touch.

Slightly more relaxed, he rolled his neck as he toed off his boots and shrugged his flightsuit off his aching shoulders. It had been a long time since they'd seen that kind of action and he'd clearly been neglecting his PT.

The basic mechanics of flying a viper sound pretty straightforward but working the stick and pedals to manoeuvre all 20,000 pounds at full speed was not just a matter of steering the machine or having a good sense for tactics. It was a gods-damned workout.

And, of course, once back on the deck his work hadn't ended. There had been cherry-popped rookies to congratulate, grieving pilots who'd lost friends to console, and engineers who wanted the CAG to know everything that had happened to every bird to listen to.

_Frak me, _Lee thought as he twisted the kinks of out his back, _sometimes I hate being the one in charge._

Despite being completely exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, however, he couldn't help but grin a little as he watched Kara sleeping peacefully.

He knew it wouldn't last, that in a couple of hours the meds would wear off enough for the nightmares to break through and tear her apart once again. But for now, she was sleeping soundly and he was so tired he willingly gave in to the fantasy that nothing was wrong, that he'd put in a hard days work and come home to share her bed for no reason other than their mutual happiness.

Holding on to that dream, he slipped into the bed behind her and carefully curled around her sleeping back. Without thinking about it, newly formed habits already deeply ingrained, he avoided the still healing wounds and whispered, "It's ok, it's just me," as his arm circled her waist. As he let his eyes drift closed he ignored the bony protrusion of her hip and focused instead on the small sigh of contentment that echoed his own.

* * *

_A/N: Sigh, it feels good to get back to Lee and Kara. Was it good for you too? Lemmie know by clicking that little blue button, would ya?_


	29. Chapter 29

_A/N: Finally got back to this fic and, gods, it feels good to be writing again! It's not a long chapter but I'm already working on the next and wanted to post something to let you all know I'm back around rather than waiting and posting a massive one later._

_I know I keep saying this but I deeply appreciate all of you sticking around with this story as I come and go and going back to read your old reviews the other day gave me a massive kick in the pants. I can't tell you how great it is to read what people think of my work and know that you enjoy it. _

___I've mapped out the entire rest of the fic so I hope to finish it before you all join forces and take out your revenge on me for being so bad about updating! _I promise that I will not leave you hanging indefinitely; I'm working on my dissertation so it won't be super quick but Kara and Lee and the rest will see some kind of closure. Hopefully soon(ish).

_Anyway, here it is, I hope you enjoy it! I own nothing at all and see this type of fiction as a sign of respect and admiration for others' work rather than exploitation of it - and hope those that own BSG do too._

* * *

"Arhg," Kara groaned as she let go.

The heavy clang of the dumbbell hitting the floor echoed through the room despite the usual bustle of the PT gym.

Helo glanced up from his spot on the mat with a worried look.

Kara waved away his concern, flexing her arm and doing her best not to wince as the barely healed burns pulled painfully. She'd been cleared to restart her physical training a week ago but was still getting used to her new limitations.

Helo nodded as he grunted through his last set of crunches, recognising the look of frustration on Kara's face as she scowled down at the dumbbell.

Kara made the mistake of glancing up at the rest of the room. The velocity at which everyone managed to turn their heads away from staring at her could have set a new land speed record. She cursed silently before bracing herself to bend down and pick up the dumbbell to return it to the rack.

"Here, let me help you with that," a young man who looked vaguely familiar darted down and snatched up the weight with an ease that made Kara jealous.

"Don't want to overdo it," he said, with a forced chuckle as he reached across the to the rack and set the weight back in its place. "How are you, Lieutenant? Can I help you with anything else?" the concerned look on his face made Kara want to barf.

"You can go frak yourself," Kara said with a sugary pitying smile to match the young man's.

Without another word she stood up, grabbed her cane and limped heavily towards weight machines on the other side of the gym. The handful of deckhands who had been working out on them scattered as she approached.

Kara dropped onto the seat of the leg press before awkwardly reaching across to try and adjust the weight.

"Frak," she muttered as she realized she couldn't reach the adjustment knob.

"I got it, Starbuck," Racetrack's chipper smile grated on Kara's nerves like a dull rusty blade. "You're still taking it easy, right? How much do you want? A buck fifty? Two?"

Kara gritted her teeth, "sixty-five is good."

She watched in dismay as the younger pilot adjusted the machine for one hundred and sixty-five pounds of resistance. "Did I say one-sixty-five?" she snapped.

Racetrack's confusion and concern were obvious as she blinked at Kara.

"Do you understand English? I said sixty-five and that's what I meant."

"S-sorry," Racetrack muttered, darting to correct the weight, "I just assumed-"

"Yeah, well, you and everyone else can take your _ass-_uptions and shove 'em."

Racetrack didn't dare meet her eyes, "Sorry," she mumbled again before turning and all but sprinting out of the gym.

Kara bit down on the growl of rage that was brewing in her throat. Ignoring her own urge to scuttle away and hide, she grimly set her teeth and positioned her good leg against the plate to begin her set.

A few moments later Helo joined her, working his good leg on the machine next to her,

"Hanging in there, 'Buck?" he asked, his voice pitched low so only she would hear it.

Kara ignored him and pressed through the burning in her thigh.

"C'mon Kara, you okay?" he asked again.

Kara finished her last rep with her leg shaking and sweat pouring down her face. She turned to look at her friend and Helo recognised the flash in her eyes even before her voice snapped at him,

"Just fine, Helo. Thank you for asking after me with such consideration. Will you taking over as my new shrink now?"

Helo blinked at her. He'd expected some frustration but not the simmering boil of rage he saw written across her face.

"Seriously, are you? _Are_ you my new shrink now? Everyone is so worried about me all the time that they can't stop asking how I'm doing, like it's any of their business, but I thought at least you were better than that. I thought at least we," she flung a finger gesturing back and forth between the two of them, "could still just hang out. I thought that our friendship would stay the same, that you at least could skip the bullshit around me. Why can't you just be _Helo_," she hissed.

"I thought I was just being Helo," he said, cocking his head slightly.

It took her a minute so he waited until she finally rolled her eyes and nodded begrudgingly.

"Seems to me that maybe you're just not being Starbuck," he said, his voice light. "I mean seriously," he continued, his eyes twinkling, "all you do is go around complaining and whining all the time and begging everyone to do everything for you. It's been over a month now and we're not your nursemaids, Kara. It's high time you stopped relying on everyone else so completely."

Her own eyes flashed for a moment before his easy grin tugged one onto the corner of her own mouth.

She groaned and rolled her eyes again, "Frak, you're an asshole," she laughed.

"Maybe," Helo puffed as he started his workout, "but you're the one with the taste shitty enough to have an asshole like me for a friend."

"This is true," she said, shaking her head sadly.

She got up and hopped to the next machine. Following Cottle's orders with meticulous care that she hoped Helo didn't notice, she removed her bulky brace and positioned her bad leg against the cushioned bar before taking all but the smallest weight off the resistance bar. Even with practically no weight to work against her, her knee was aching and her leg was trembling before she finished her prescribed sets.

Helo followed her on the circuit until they'd both finished. He handed her a bottle of water as they sat panting on the bench and waited until she'd taken a few slugs before he asked her again,

"So, you hangin' in there okay?"

Kara bit back the automatic response that danced on the tip of her tongue. She shrugged and took another drink, keeping her eyes carefully away from his searching looks.

Helo took the bottle back and drank some himself while he waited.

"I guess," she said finally. "I mean, things are still pretty frakked up but Cottle keeps saying I'm still on the mend so, you know, who's to say?"

"Tell me about it," he said, handing the bottle back.

"Still, hearing that alarm today and not being able to race out there with the rest of them…" Kara's voice trailed off and she took a quick slug of the water, closing her eyes and enjoying the coolness on her throat.

A group of new recruits came into the gym and their boisterous bravado was hard to ignore,

"Seriously, look at these pipes!" a young woman flexed her arms and grinned at her reflection in the wall of mirrors.

"I know!" replied one of her companions, turning this way and that to admire her own physique. "Best workout regime I've ever tried. If they sent out before and after pictures we'd have recruits beating down the doors."

"And it's true, what Apollo said," a third recruit piped up, patting his flat stomach appreciatively, "you need every pound of muscle you can get to fight against the G-forces once you're up there."

"Oh shut up, Meatball," the first young woman jeered good-naturedly as she flung a towel at his head, "and quit bragging. We're all gonna get up there soon, you just lucked out because your last name starts with A."

"And now that I've felt it?" he ducked away from the flying towel and ignored the comments, making a show of preening his hair in the mirror, "I'm gonna bust my ass twice as hard until I hold all the records," he jerked his head towards a list of names and numbers that covered most of the wall next to the hatch. "I aim to be the best pilot Galactica's ever seen and you can't own the bird if you don't have the strength to control it."

Helo watched as Kara's jawline tightened ever so slightly. Her gaze locked on the records wall.

_Frak,_ he thought with a sigh, _I knew I forgot something._ He felt Kara tense up beside him so he spoke before she had a chance,

"They did it as a tribute to you, Kara," he said in a low, soothing voice.

The humming snarl that rumbled in her throat confirmed his fears that she wouldn't quite see it that way. He followed her gaze to the wall where the other pilots had added a poster next to the battered old blackboard where they recorded the ship's records for various PT drills and in-air-exercises. The poster read 'Starbuck's records' and had an old picture of Kara taped to the top with a list of all the records she'd held when she disappeared.

Looking at her own stupid grin on the top of that poster, Kara didn't know what to think.

_What. The. Frak._

Helo was muttering something at her but she wasn't listening.

She didn't know if she should be insulted for the patronizing little stars someone had drawn around her name, infuriated that they'd singled her out rather than just moving on like they had with other lost pilots, or pissed off that so many of her records had been beaten. She took a closer look at the numbers and she felt sick.

Not all of her records had been beaten but they'd taken them all off the main list anyway. Dead pilots got to hold their records until someone else did better but all of hers had been copied over and saved in some kind of frakked-up shrine.

"Frak this," she cursed under her breath as she stood up and grabbed her cane.

"Starbuck," Helo said warningly.

She ignored him, lurched across the room and tore down the offending poster on her way out the hatch.

"Starbuck," Helo cursed as he dragged himself up onto his crutches and followed her.

She wasn't used to the cane yet and he caught up with her easily but didn't say a word as they walked along the empty corridor. They continued in silence for a while until Kara paused to lean against a stack of cargo boxes and finally spoke,

"Forget the records and the shitty patronizing sentiments, frak the nightmares and the pills, you know what's the worst thing of all?" she asked, as if their conversation hadn't been interrupted at all.

Helo pretended he didn't notice that she needed a break,

"Not being able to fly?" he asked softly.

Her eyes widened slightly in surprise before she nodded grimly.

"I know," Helo said gently, "I saw it on your face when those rookies were talking."

"Cottle says the combination of the PT and another surgery might get my knee back to where it needs to be but my lungs are still so frakked up I-" Kara's voice caught and she immediately swung back out into the corridor and hurried along the steel gangway, the off-step rhythm of her awkward gait echoing after her.

Helo followed after her doggedly. She'd let him catch up when she wanted him to.

Eventually her pace slowed a little and he rejoined her as they hop-stepped up a short staircase.

"He said the surgery could be as early as next week, right?" Helo asked, puffing a little at the exertion of keeping up with her. "And he got you on that cane earlier than he thought so you must be getting better. You could be back up there in no time."

Kara snorted, "He keeps saying 'maybe next week' but yesterday he said he was worried the PT was actually doing more harm than good and that we'd have to 'wait and see' before doing anything else. Sometimes I think he's just saying that to keep me from freaking out but that in the end…" her voice trailed off- she couldn't finish the thought, let alone say it out loud.

"Kara, you're the toughest pilot in the fleet, if anyone can come back from these injuries, you can."

"That's still a big if, Agathon," she said grimly, puffing a little herself.

Changing tactics, Helo tried again, "So, worst case scenario, you can't fly and you have to live your life with the knowledge that your incredible tactical skills and almost preternatural understanding of airborne flight mechanics saves the fleet from inside the CIC or training room, and not the cockpit, is that really so bad?"

Kara stopped dead in her tracks and looked at him like he had just suggested she should strangle a kitten with her bare hands.

"What?" he shrugged in frustration, "No one else has said it yet but you know what, Kara?" He drew himself up and braced for the onslaught he knew he was inviting, "Maybe it's time someone did. Maybe it's time someone said it wouldn't be the worst thing in all the worlds if you can't ever fly again."

She recoiled as if he'd slapped her.

"There's more to you than just being a viper jock, Kara. You have other talents and you don't have to hang everything you are, everything you're worth, on just that one thing!"

"This isn't about some frakked-up ego trip, Helo!" she cried. Although she had to admit to herself that his words did strike a bit of a chord, that wasn't really all that was bothering her. She shook her head angrily, "Sure, I like being 'a pilot', I liked being the _best_ damned pilot, but it's not just about that. It's about being up there, about pushing my limits and being better than I thought I could be. It's about the flying and how it makes me feel. It… it makes me feel… whole. It makes me feel more like my real self than anything else ever has. It's where I'm meant to be, it's what I'm meant to do. Just me and my bird, nothing else, no one else, just me and my bird; and there's nothing else like it."

A frantic energy shone out of her eyes as she struggled to make him see, as she begged him to understand, "It's not just about being a pilot, Helo, it's about being able to _fly_. And the thought of never being able to be that version of myself again, it's- frak! It's like I've lost a limb or one of my senses or something. It's like a part of me, the best part of me, was hacked off and I'm left here just…" she paused and drew a very shaky breath, "I thought maybe at least _you'd_ understand a little of what I'm going through. I mean, I heard Cottle talking to Lee and it's not like you're ever-"

As they left her mouth, Kara realized what she was saying and wished more than anything that she could reach out and snatch the words back from the air between the two of them. She stared down the hallway, biting her lip, inwardly cursing her big stupid mouth.

"Kara," his voice was gentle. "Kara, look at me. Please?" he coaxed.

Her eyes flicked to his, ready to dart away again if they found the deep hurt she expected. Instead, she saw nothing but a faint friendly smile.

"I'm not a pilot like you and Apollo," Helo said softly with a small shake of his head and a shrug. "I liked flying once I finally got out of the ECO seat. Believe me, it was a lot of fun and the fulfilment of a lifelong dream. But-" he ducked his head to level his eyes with hers, "getting you home? That was better than any gods-damned rush I ever got in the cockpit."

Kara let out a frustrated a slightly guilty sigh, "Helo, that's not what I– if it were reversed-"

"I know," he interrupted her firmly, "I know that you would have given a lot more than your leg to save me if the positions had been reversed. But that's not what I meant. I just meant that I don't mind it all that much. You would have given anything you could to save me but you still would have felt like you'd lost a part of yourself if you couldn't fly because of it."

Kara looked away again, slightly embarrassed that he was right.

"Hey," he reached out and grabbed one of her arms in a gentle grip, "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. You would have given up flying, and everything it means to you, to save me, and that tells me more about our friendship, about your loyalty and sense of duty, than anything ever could. Just because you'd miss it more doesn't make you anything less. Frak it, Kara, that would make it a bigger sacrifice, wouldn't it? All I'm trying to say is that I'm happy with the decisions I made and I am so frakking happy to have you home that losing my flight status hardly seems like anything at all."

Kara forced herself to stare him down, "Fine, it's not the same to you but still, you said it yourself, it was a lifelong dream and now you've lost that. Because of me," she forced down the tears that welled up at the thought of his sacrifice. "If it weren't for me you wouldn't have reinjured that leg and you'd still be up there being the pilot you always wanted to be. Lee told me that while I was gone you worked your ass off and were becoming one of the best pilots we had."

She watched as his eyes went misty. The fingers wrapped around her biceps tightened as he gave her a gentle shake,

"_Because_ you were gone I worked my ass off! Up there I couldn't think about anything but flying, couldn't think about you or Sharon or the baby or any other part of all this frakked-up shit that's gone on. While you were gone? _That's_ when I felt like part of _me_ was missing, that's when I felt strange and cut off from my real life. You're my family, Kara. You're the only family I have left, besides Sharon and the baby, and that situation is so frakked up I don't even-" he shook his head in dismay, "Anyway, now that you're back, pissing me off and being your usual pain-the-ass-stubborn-as-hell, self? I don't even think about flying anymore."

She scoffed as she nodded her head in sarcastic agreement, "Sure."

"Kara! Frak, you make me nuts!" he gave her another shake, "Why is it so hard for you to believe that I would do something like this willingly for you? Why can't you accept what you mean to me, to all of us?"

She blinked back the rush of tears that caught her by surprise, "Helo, I- It's not that I don't appreciate it- I just… Frak it, I-" her stuttered half apology was cut short when he tugged her to his chest and wrapped his arms around her.

"Gods damn it, Kara, I'm so frakking happy you're home," he whispered into her hair as silent tears rolled down his cheeks.

She wrapped her arms around his lean frame and held on fiercely.

"So am I," she half-chuckled, half-sobbed, into his chest.

It took her a moment or two but she finally breathed out the two words that had been clinging to the back of her throat ever since Lee had told her an abbreviated version of her rescue,

"Thank you."

She wasn't even sure if he heard the reverent whisper.

Until the arms around her tightened slightly,

"Anytime, Starbuck," came the whispered reply, "anytime."

With Kara safely back in her room, Helo went looking for Cottle.

**_*BREAK*BREAK*BREAK*_**

"Hey Doc," he said as he swung across the main ward, "got a sec?"

Cottle looked up from the hand that he was dressing, "Gimme a

second to explain to Rodriguez here that human hands are not meant to handle piping hot metal and I'll be all yours," he grumbled.

A few minutes later he motioned Helo towards an empty exam bed.

"Uhm, is there somewhere we can talk more privately, sir?" Helo asked in a low voice.

Cottle stared at him for a moment before gesturing for Helo to follow him down the hall to his office. Sinking into his battered desk chair, the doctor dug out a cigarette and snapped open his lighter.

"So, what's on your mind, Lieutenant?" he puffed out in a cloud of smoke. "I told you that that leg is going to take time. Running on leg torn up by a fresh gunshot that went right through a mess of old scar tissue doesn't leave me much to work with. Still, if you're in a lot of pain, I can try to do something about that."

Helo shook his head, "no sir. I'm not here about my leg."

"Well, if it's about that girlfriend of yours, I don't have much to say about that other than the fact that as far as I can tell she and the baby seem healthy."

Helo shook his head again, "Thank you for keeping an eye on her-them, sir, but no, that's not it either."

"Well, spit it out, boy," Cottle growled.

"I'm here to talk to you about Kara," Helo said.

"Thrace? What about her? You know I can't talk to you about her medical records."

"I know that, sir, but it's just that I was with her in the gym today and she said that you're worried the PT is actually making things worse with her leg?"

Cottle nodded hesitantly.

"And, well, I think that the gym isn't the best place for her to be hanging out... Uhm, you know, with the other pilots and... I was just wondering if there's something else she could be doing that would be more helpful? I know Kara and she's determined to get back in the cockpit as soon as she can and I'm thinking that maybe she's going to hard on the strength training when something else might be better and thought that if I knew what that something was, maybe I could…" he trailed off.

"Maybe you could trick her into doing what she should be doing?" Cottle finished for him with a smirk.

"I wouldn't say 'trick' to her face but, yes, perhaps I could find a way to persuade her to try something else."

Cottle nodded in understanding, "She can be an ornery bitch sometimes."

The tension on Helo's face broke apart as he grinned down at the doctor, "Yes sir, she can."

Cottle leaned his elbows on the desk and puffed away on his cigarette for a few moments, "As it stands, working out in the gym is her only option, really, and yes, I am concerned that some of those exercises might be putting too much strain on her knee. They also make it easy for her to push just a little harder with an extra set or extra couple of pounds. The answer to your question then is, yes, there are other activities she could be doing for PT that might work better for both her knee and her lungs. The issue, however, is that given our current situation, none of those methods are available to us."

Helo waited, hoping there was a 'but' following the sentence.

* * *

_A/N: And there you have it, folks. I dunno about you but I have a thing for supportive and caring Helo (can you tell? lol). Stay tuned for chapter 30, more angst darkness to come!..._


	30. Chapter 30

_A/N: I own nothing and owe a huge debt of gratitude for those of you still reading - your reviews and feedback keep me going and have offered me encouragement beyond anything I can express - thankyouthankyouthankyou._

* * *

**Chapter 30**

Cally hummed softly to herself as she walked off the flight deck. That last skirmish with Cylon scouts had been relatively light and the new pilots were finally getting used to their vipers, which meant she had less tuning and repairing to do when they made it back.

She rubbed a tender spot on the back of her hand where she'd smacked it against a viper hull trying to loosen a stubborn coupling. She smiled and rolled her tight shoulders. It wasn't an easy job, and she could sure do without the pilots' egos, but overall she liked being a deckhand. From watching the birds roll in across the open echoing space of the flight deck to working crammed in the smallest corner of a viper, she liked pretty much everything about her job on the battlestar. She loved knowing she could strip a viper and put it back together herself and that, if she paid attention to what the bird was telling her, she could fix almost any problem in the complicated machines. It wasn't what she'd had in mind for her career but, given their situation after the attacks, she wouldn't trade it for anything.

Trying to decide between showering first or eating, Cally caught sight of a familiar figure striding down the corridor ahead of her. She picked up her pace and soon caught up with the Commander,

"Morning, Sir," she said with a smile.

"Morning Specialist," he returned the smile with a nod. "How are our birds holding up after all these attacks we've had since we left that asteroid belt?"

"They're fine, Sir. A few minor repairs here and there but with the machine shop making more replacement parts now we're doing ok."

"That's good to hear."

The walked together in silence for a moment until the Commander spoke again,

"And how are our men holding up, Cally?"

"Sir?"

"I know the official reports about discipline and work performance but what's the scuttlebutt? How's everybody doing?"

"Oh, well, I think we're doing ok too, sir." Cally paused and thought for a moment before turning her head to look up at the Commander, "I think we're getting settled into all this, as weird as that sounds, sir. I mean it's not really normal but it's starting to feel like it. Everyone was worried about food supplies but after we restocked on that algae planet last week, that's taken care of for a while. Before, it was pretty tense all the time, no one seemed to be able to settle down and we were always waiting for the next thing to come along and screw everything up again but now," she shrugged her slim shoulders, "now we're getting used to it all being screwed up and it's starting to feel ok again."

The Commander nodded in agreement, "That's what I thought but it's good to hear it from another source."

"Sir?" Cally hesitated.

"What is it, Specialist?"

"Uhm, I was just wondering, sir, how Starbuck is doing? I've seen her around a little the last few weeks but she still keeps pretty much to herself. I-I don't mean to pry or anything, I'm just…"

"You're just asking after the welfare of a friend and crewmate, and that is perfectly acceptable," the Commander assured her. "Lieutant Thrace is still on the mend but we don't have any timeline yet about her return to active duty nor to flight status."

Cally nodded, trying to hide her disappointment in his vague statement.

"Kara, on the other hand, is going a little stir-crazy and I'm thinking that if I don't find something for her to do soon she'll end up in the brig or doing some frak-headed thing that will set her recovery back by weeks."

Cally nodded appreciatively.

"She's still not supposed to be moving around too much, and she can't stand for long periods of time with her knee, but do you think there's anything she could do on the flight deck that would keep her out of trouble?"

"Actually, sir, there are a pile of old DRADIS and weapon tracking circuit boards that need to be tested and repaired. The Chief doesn't trust the newbies to work on them and none of the rest of us have the time to sit and tinker with them."

"Perfect. I'll ask the Chief about it and see what we can come up with. I'm glad I ran into you, Specialist Henderson," he smiled down at her.

"Me too, Sir."

Cally saluted the Commander before veering off towards the enlisted's barracks.

Bill continued his morning walk on his own. Like Kara he too was on the mend and was glad to see that he could now keep up his usual brisk pace without any pain or shortness of breath. Remembering when he could barely make it to the head on his own without gasping for air like he'd just run the Caprican marathon, he shivered. That had been such a dark time, he did his best to put it out of his mind most of the time.

Returning to his conversation with the young deckhand, he was glad to hear that her take on the status of the crew was the same as his own. In the handful of weeks since Kara's return things had felt better, they had felt like the entire crew had found their feet again. Sure, discipline reports were down and he had fewer complaints about dereliction of duty but it was more than that; he could feel it in the air, see it on their faces and hear it in their voices. The crew was settling into their new reality and did seem to be doing ok after all.

He'd started to see it happen months ago but when they'd had that last big battle with the Cylons, when Kara went missing, it all seemed to fall apart and it was like the trauma of the initial attacks on the colonies had happened all over again. But now, as the weeks went by, it felt like the crew was acclimatizing to the situation and, as Cally said, it was starting to feel almost normal.

It was a relief.

A distracted or unsettled crew is a volatile and dangerous crew. Infighting and insubordination were bad enough but when the crew is off, it's the little mistakes, the smallest moment of sloppiness or lack of concentration that cause the real problems. On any battlestar at any time, that kind of situation could be fatal but here and now they had zero room for error of any kind and he'd been terrified that if he didn't get his crew back on track, it could have meant the end of the human race.

As it stood, however, things were feeling better than ever and he was glad to hear Cally agree with his assessment; it was one less thing to worry over while he tossed and turned in his bunk at night, fighting to leave the day and the never-ending pile of unfinished work behind.

*BREAK*BREAK*BREAK*

"…so Racetrack told him where to go and…" Lee trailed off, looking at Kara curiously. "You ok?" he asked after a moment.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine," Kara said irritably, poking at the noodles on her plate.

Lee waited.

"I'm not hungry," Kara said flatly, reaching for her cane. She stood awkwardly and picked up her tray. Lee followed suit and watched as Kara attempted to keep her dishes on the tray as she limped heavily across the deserted mess hall. When her cup slipped and rolled off the metal sheet he darted forward and caught it deftly. Kara glared at him and shoved her whole tray into his chest before turning and stumping out of the hall as quickly as she could manage.

Lee groaned. He tossed both trays on the return cart and chased after her muttering under his breath, "rise about it, Apollo, just rise above it."

He caught up to Kara a short way down the corridor but said nothing as they walked side by side.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" she finally huffed.

"Nope. General Fight Group Sit-rep meeting with the commander in an hour but I'm all yours until then."

"Marvellous," Kara muttered sarcastically seconds before her cane hit a slick spot on the gangway and skidded out from under her.

Lee tried to catch her as she stumbled but her leg twisted under her and she couldn't help but cry out from the sharp pain that sprang hot and fierce from her bad knee. Pulling her back up to standing was still far easier than it should have been and Lee absently made a mental note to talk to Cottle about Kara's eating habits, or lack thereof. He held Kara's shoulders as she found her balance again, carefully avoiding his eyes. When she was stable he bent down to retrieve her cane. She made a face when he handed it back to her.

"Frakking thing," she said as she snatched it from his hand.

"You're the one who wanted off the crutches. Besides it's not the cane's fault, maybe you should take it a little easy?" Lee braced himself as Kara snapped her head up to glare at him. The onslaught of cursing he expected never came.

Kara simply shook her head and continued on her way back to her room. Lee hadn't been able to read her face and was feeling more than a little hesitant to push her but this had been going on for the past few days and he knew something wasn't right.

"I mean it, Kara," he said, trailing half a step behind her. "You're not eating but you're in the PT room every chance you get, and you're pissed off that you're not healing faster but you're not taking care of yourself like you should be."

Kara froze and turned to pin him with an icy stare. "I don't _have_ to do anything," she said in a low voice.

"C'mon, Kara, you know what I mean," he protested as she limped away down the corridor again.

"Kara, you know what Cottle said. He said that you'd heal faster if you'd take care of yourself. You know, eating better, letting your body rest." Kara ignored him. She'd been largely ignoring him for days now and he'd had enough. "What, you don't want to get better, is that it?" He saw her back stiffen but she didn't turn to look at him.

"That is it, isn't it?" he smirked, _please gods let this be a good idea, _he prayed silently. "What, are you scared of what that would mean? Are you worried about getting back into the swing of things?" he desperately hoped his ploy would work and she would blow up at him.

Instead, she turned her head to stare at him inscrutably over one shoulder. He held her gaze for a long moment. _What the frak?_ He wondered, watching her staring at him. When she didn't say anything he tried again with his best 'placating asshole' voice, as Kara had dubbed it, "There's nothing to be scared of or worried about, everyone knows you've been hurt and sick, no one expects you to jump back in full throttle. It'll be okay, Kara."

Her brows furrowed sharply and her blank expression slipped for just a moment but Lee couldn't be sure if it was anger or hurt he saw flash in her eyes before she turned and stumped away down the corridor once again.

_Frak, okay so that was a stupid idea,_ he thought to himself. _What the frak else am I supposed to do if she won't talk to me, if she won't even yell at me?_ He ran his memory back over the past few days, _how long has she been like this? When did it start? What did I do? _He couldn't put his finger on exactly when it started but Kara had been strangely quiet for several days now and he had no idea why. She'd been distant and spacey but had blown up several times over the littlest things and Lee was starting to get worried.

Lee added finding the time to make a call to Dr. Stoffa to his ever-expanding mental list of things to do during the coming shift.

*BREAK*BREAK*BREAK*

Lee tidied the stack of folders in his lap and just caught himself as he was about to yawn and scrub at his tired eyes with the back of his knuckle. _You're slipping Apollo_, he chided himself none too gently. He was frustrated by his own informality these days and was pissed off that no one else seemed to mind. _Whatever else is going on we're still a battlestar, for frak's sake._

"Well, that takes those pilot reviews off my checklist at last," Bill said with a satisfied grunt.

"I'm sorry for the delay, sir. I've been negligent with my work but it won't happen again." Lee's tone was straight out of the protocol manual.

Bill stared up at him over the rims of his glasses, "That wasn't a dig at you, Son. I know you've had your hands full and respect your decision that you needed to complete these reports, not Helo."

He watched as Lee's spine snapped a little straighter and silently cursed himself. They'd both been so busy catching up on their work over the past few weeks the two Adama men had barely seen each other and it looked like Lee wasn't comfortable with the familiarity they'd established immediately after Kara's rescue blending into their professional relationship. Part of Bill's heart ached at the thought of returning to the distant and formal dyad that they'd shared for years but another part of him was more than a little proud of his son's professionalism.

"My personal matters shouldn't interfere with my responsibilities as CAG, sir, and I don't expect nor want special treatment."

"I'm not giving you special treatment, Lee."

Lee sat silently, his face the practiced blank mask of the parade ground.

Bill sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the desk between them, "You're right, captain, I have been giving you special treatment."

Lee blinked in surprise but as he opened his mouth to respond, Bill continued,

"I haven't been cutting you the slack I would have given any other crewmember in your circumstances."

Lee cocked his head, his dark eyebrows furrowed. Bill nodded slowly as he rose and crossed to the side of his office.

"If any other crewmember were dealing with what you've been given these past few weeks I would have given them a lot more time off, and a lot more support. As it is, other than those first few days off, Helo has taken over a few of your administrative duties but you've basically continued on with all your other responsibilities and, from all reports, you've managed this incredible juggling act with your usual skill and ability." Bill returned to his desk with two tumblers and set one in front of Lee before sinking back in his seat with a satisfied grunt. "The fact is, Captain Adama, if you had been any other crew members attempting to take on all this I would have appointed a relief CAG for a few months until the other matters were resolved."

Bill raised his glass in a small toast.

Lee didn't reach for his glass, "So I'm still CAG because you didn't have the heart to replace me when you should have?" he asked bitterly, staring down at the paperwork in his lap.

_Frak me, routine formality is one thing but how did we end up back at outright animosity? _Bill thought, more than a little taken aback by Lee's reaction. He set his glass down harder than he meant to, "Damn it, no. You're still CAG because, remarkably, you were able to carry out your duties despite what was going on."

The look of disbelief Lee shot him was so familiar it made his heart ache. Lee had been giving him that look since he was a small boy and it mirrored his ex-wife so perfectly, Bill had almost missed it when he was getting along better with Lee these past few months. Almost, but not quite. _Why is it I can lead, inspire and support an entire crew and yet when it comes to this one man_ – Bill cut the thought off before it could take root. He sighed and let the commander take over.

"Captain, I am not going to have this conversation with you. You have fulfilled your duties more than adequately in these past few weeks and I have had no complaints from the crew about your work, your attitude or your capabilities as a pilot. As your commanding officer I appreciate your assistance with Lieutenant Thrace but would not have let you stay on active duty, let alone command the air group, if at any time I thought your role in Thrace's recovery rendered you incapable of doing so. I am well aware of the danger that would have placed us all in; I'm not stupid and do not appreciate being all but told I am by one of my captains."

Lee opened his mouth but Bill continued,

"Now, this matter is closed and I do not want to hear anything more about it, do you get me, captain?" he said firmly.

Lee nodded silently and Bill almost grinned at the look on his face. He'd seen it more times than he could count and had probably given it on even more occasions than that. It was what he called the 'yessir, asshole, sir' look and it meant that he was doing his job; it meant that his crew was given room to think for themselves but had enough discipline, or respect for him as a commanding officer, to follow orders without argument when it was required of them. _So, it's not me and Lee that's the problem here,_ he thought with a flash of relief, _it's commander and over-worked captain._

Bill kept his amusement to himself and raised his glass again, silently waiting for Lee to do the same.

Begrudgingly, Lee picked up the tumbler and ducked a curt nod.

"To duty," Bill paused before he drank and offered Lee a rueful smile over the lip of his glass, "the curse of the Adama men."

Lee paused, the glass at his lips. He stared at his father for a moment before sucking back a sip of the harsh liquor. He set his drink down as he suppressed a shudder at the awful taste of the moonshine.

"Now, speaking of Kara, how are things, Lee?"

Lee shrugged, the last thing he wanted to talk about, to think about, right now was Kara. He had a long shift ahead of him ending with a double CAP rotation and he needed every bit of his attention and energy focused on his work for the next sixteen hours.

"Things are ok," he answered finally.

Bill cocked an eyebrow.

Lee shifted in his seat, "Well, as ok as they can be," he offered.

Bill nodded and took another sip of his drink, hissing as it burned its way down his throat,

"Dr. Cottle asked me about Kara's barrack assignment when he discharges her and from what I gather, he doesn't think putting her back in the pilot's locker would be a very good idea."

Lee's eyes widened slightly at the thought and he absently ran his thumb along the faint bluish tinge on his jaw line,

"No sir, I don't think that would be a good idea at all."

"That her handiwork?" Bill reached across the desk and gently turned Lee's face towards the light, squinting at the bruise.

"Sort of, not really, uh-" Lee tugged his chin out of his father's hand. He sighed, "She didn't know it was me."

Bill waited.

"It was a nightmare, I tried to wake her up and she popped me before she really knew where she was."

Bill nodded as Lee took a hasty sip of his drink, forgetting how awful it was.

"So the nightmares are still as bad as they were?"

Despite his best efforts to avoid it, Lee's mind was suddenly filled with the memory of the screams that woke him in the dark, the flailing, the pleading and the tears as she shook in his arms.

Bill watched as his son fidgeted with his glass, seemingly mesmerised by the pale liquid swirling against the cut crystal as he tipped it back and forth.

"Lee?"

The younger man twitched his shoulders noncommittally, glancing up to meet his father's stare, "No. Not all the time."

"But sometimes they are?"

Lee avoided his eyes but ducked his head in a quick nod.

"That's what I thought. So, in terms of where to put Kara, what do you think about you and her being reassigned to one of the empty pilot lockers or one of the larger officers' suites?"

Lee blinked up at him, "I don't know, sir. I didn't know that was an option, really." In truth, he'd avoided thinking about moving out of her small isolation room because he had no idea where they should go, or if there should be a 'they' in the equation at all. Obviously, Kara was still pretty messed up but he'd dreaded thinking about how to deal with their strange new relationship outside the protected little space in that solitary room.

"If the pilots' locker is out of the question we don't really have many other options," Bill said simply.

"Yes but, how will that- how do you think the rest of the crew will take that?" Lee asked.

Bill shrugged, and smirked "That's the beauty of being commander, sometimes you don't have to give a frak how the crew will take it."

Lee's eyes narrowed, "that's great for the commander but what about for a lieutenant and captain who don't have that luxury? We've said all along that maintaining the bunking regs was important for discipline and reserved those suites for married officers only."

"Exceptional situations call for exceptions," Bill said, leaning back in his chair with a satisfied grunt. "Also, I was talking to the chief yesterday and he said they have some fine technical repairs that they need to be done but don't have anyone to spare on the deck for the kind of time they require. He said with Kara's technical knowledge she could easily pick it up and it would give her something to do. Plus, it would get her back on the flight deck which I know would be good for her."

Lee felt like he'd been slapped in the face. The commander visited with Kara here and there, sure, but how the hell did he know what she needed? He wasn't there when she threw things across the room in a rage brought on by the littlest thing. He didn't have to watch the frustration in her eyes while she waited for Lee to hand her her cane. He didn't know the panic that radiated out of her every time she started coughing and couldn't stop.

He stared at his father coldly, "_You_ know that would be good for her?"

"I know she misses being part of the action, I know she used to spend a lot of her spare time down there and, knowing Kara, I reckon she'd be glad to be useful again."

Lee gaped, "Useful again? Because she's useless now?"

Bill groaned, "Lee, that's not-"

"Dad, how could you think-" a look of panic crossed Lee's face, "you haven't suggested this to her yet, have you?"

Bill shook his head, his voice serious as he eyed his son, "No, not yet, I wanted to run it by you first but I'm no longer sure that was the right choice."

"Have you even talked to her about flying or the other pilots or anything about active duty at all?" snapped Lee.

"Well, not in so many words, not recently," Bill's confidence in his plan faltered. _What am I missing here? _He wondered, his mind racing over the possibilities.

"Obviously not, no. If you had, you'd know that spending time on the flight deck tinkering with whatever petty repairs they can't be bothered to assign to a real deck hand would pretty much rip her heart out and crush it into a million pieces," Lee fired. "She's dying to be a part of things again but this, this wouldn't give her that. This would make her that cripple in the corner working on the tedious shit that no one else wants to do, the pathetic has-been who corrals anyone who will listen and regales them with unending stories about when she used to fly too."

Bill blanched, "That is not what I was suggesting."

"Maybe not, but that's what it would end up being for Kara."

"What would you have me do?" Bill snapped. "This is my command, she is one of my men, but between Stoffa's 'confidentiality', Cottle's monosyllable answers and your… absence, no one tells me anything about my own godsdamn crewman!"

The two men stared at each other across the desk.

_What the frak just happened?_ Lee wondered miserably as the haze of anger faded. He sighed and scrubbed a hand across his face,

"Look, Dad, I'm sorry. Things have been so busy, I've just been trying to keep everything together and didn't have-"

Bill waved away his fumbled apology, "I get it, you've been dealing with a lot and had more important matters to focus on, that's fine, just don't snap my head off for suggesting a solution I earnestly thought would help," he growled, downing the last of his drink with a grimace.

Lee nodded apologetically, "I know, I just- I still don't really know what I'm doing here either. But I do know that being that close to the action, to have to sit there and watch the rest of us scramble out when the alarm sounds and come back celebrating – for her to be a part of that world again but not really part of it," Lee sighed heavily, "I can't think of anything worse for her right now, to be honest. She's been acting weird all week, going from quiet and brooding to explosive anger in a heartbeat."

"Well, now," Bill chuckled, "Kara's got a lot of talents but holding her temper was never one of them."

Lee shook his head, "No, it's different. Before, yeah, if she was in a bad mood she'd bite your head off or blow up or whatever but this is different." He paused, trying to describe just how off things with Kara felt. "It's like she's not there half the time, she just sits there not really saying anything and then out of the blue she'll freak out over the smallest thing but it's different, she'll throw stuff or scream but not at me."

Bill looked at him curiously.

"Before," Lee tried again, "before, if she was in a bad mood she'd pick a fight with someone and fight over whatever it was, fists or just cursing, until her temper burned off, right? But now, it's like she gets mad at nothing, has this huge explosion and then goes back to being quiet again right away; there's no fight, no energy behind her temper. I've even tried picking a fight to see what she'd do but she just stares at me or walks away. I dunno, it's hard to describe, it just feels… off, guess."

Bill's nodded in understanding, "I know, son. This is new territory for all of us but I trust your judgement of the situation. If you say something's off, then something's off but I can't say I'm surprised that she's having trouble this week. Gods, I sure hope this trial will bring us all some closure about this."

Lee's head snapped up, "Trial?"

Bill nodded, "The president tells me they've got everything almost arranged and we should be able to start proceedings early next week."

"Proceedings? What proceedings?" Lee gaped.

"Zarek's trial," Bill answered, looking confused. "His civilian trial." Lee looked at him blankly. "The president and I have been working on it for weeks. You knew about that, it's what you wanted."

"I most certainly did not know about it," Lee leapt to his feet, tossing his paperwork on the desk. "You've been planning this for _weeks_?"

"Yes. Didn't I-" Bill thought for a moment. Had he actually told Lee? With both of them rushing to catch up on work they'd missed and re-establish some kind of order aboard the Galactica they'd barely spoken more than a handful of words to each other since Bill moved back to his own quarters. "I know Dr. Stoffa has talked about it with Kara, didn't she mention it to you?"

"No," Lee threw his hands in the air and paced across the room. "She never talks about her sessions."

"What did you think was going on with Zarek all this time?"

"I don't know," Lee cried in frustration. "Last I heard he was being evaluated, and then things got so busy, and I-" _And I've been doing everything I can not to think about that monster, not to race down to the brig and beat him until there's nothing left of his face but a bloody pulp – _Lee gritted his teeth as he stood facing the far wall of the small room and forced himself to take a few deep breaths. _A frakking trial? _He whirled around to face his father, "What did Stoffa say about Kara's reaction to the trial?"

Bill raised his open hands and shrugged, "You know Kara, she apparently didn't say much."

"How long has she known?"

"I don't know for sure, about a week or so, I'd reckon. We weren't absolutely sure it was the best idea and we wanted time to think about it, to look at all possible outcomes before moving on anything, before putting word out to the crew and the fleet about what we were going to do. The president is making the announcement today."

_A week or so_, Lee thought with an inner groan. Stoffa had tried to meet with him a week ago but he'd been called away when the CAP scrambled to fight a group of Cylon scouts. She'd left him a note but he hadn't really understood what future events she'd been referring to, he'd assumed she meant everything coming up: moving Kara back into regulation quarters, getting her back to work, dealing with PT and her rehab and everything else.

And despite his best intentions he hadn't bothered to follow up properly.

_Mother frakking-_ it was about that time that Kara's mood swings had gotten worse and Lee had just chalked it up to discussing her future in general with Stoffa. If only someone had told him about this frakking trial-

"And that's it? Why didn't someone tell me? With everything else Kara's been facing now she has to endure a trial of all things?"

"I thought Stoffa did. Kara doesn't have to attend it," Bill explained. "We have the recording of the vid-feed from Zarek's call. Plus, with his full confession… Kara doesn't even need to testify, Lee."

Lee goggled, "He's confessed? Then why the frak are you trying him?"

"Because he's not winning this, because he wants to be quietly put away without anyone knowing what he did," Bill said coldly, his patience for Lee's accusatory tone running thin.

"And you want the worlds to know."

"I am not going to stand by and let him take a coward's exit, no. He is going to take responsibility for what he did."

Lee crossed the room to sit back down in his chair and leaned towards his father insistently, "You want everyone to know what he did."

Bill nodded reluctantly, "it's more complicated than that but, yes, essentially."

"Gods," Lee cursed and shook his head in disbelief as he slouched back in the chair. "And who is this for, exactly? Who is this going to help?"

"We all need closure on this, Lee. We need to protect our civic integrity and our sense of justice and order within the fleet. We need to punish transgressors. You said it yourself: that this needed to be dealt with through civilian channels, we need to 'protect the people from those they empower to protect them', remember? You said the fleet needed a civil trial, Lee."

"Frak the fleet! I said that they needed you to not become a dictator doling out justice as you see fit, not that they needed a trial at all costs."

"What costs? We are following all the proper channels here, Lee." The commander brought his point home stabbing a finger down on the desktop. "We are ensuring that the colonial justice system carries on within the fleet, that its stability and order aren't thrown away in all this chaos."

"So, this is about the fleet, this is a political thing?" Lee sat up again and perched on the edge of his chair, leaning closer to the commander once again.

"In part, yes, but this is also for Kara. For her to know it's over; for her to know he's been punished for what he did to her. I am doing what's best for Kara, here Lee."

"Bullshit," Lee hissed.

Bill blinked at him, surprised by the fury that twisted his son's face, "I beg your pardon, captain?"

Lee rolled his eyes, _as if he's playing the rank card now, _he thought with disgust. "Yes, you should be begging my pardon for doing something so selfish and having the gall to say that you're doing it for Kara."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Bill said coldly as he began to gather up the notes from his desk, refusing to meet Lee's flashing eyes.

A hand slammed down on the pile of papers he was holding, pinning them to the desk. Bill looked up directly into Lee's flushed face,

"Then I'll say it again," Lee's voice was low and strained. "Bullshit," he spat. "You can do this, you can organize it all, you can do whatever the frak you want with that waste of life in the brig but don't you dare say you're doing it for her. This is about you and Zarek and your need for revenge and control, end of story."

"Watch yourself, captain," Bill growled. "This is not about me. It is about maintaining judicial order and protecting the victim, protecting Kara."

Lee rolled his eyes.

Bill tried again, "I already explained, she doesn't even have to go, she doesn't have to do anything."

Lee shook his head, lifted his hand and straightened up. He stared down at his father with utter contempt, "No, you're right. She doesn't have to do anything at all, you've got it all sorted out, right?" he laughed humourlessly. "You've taken care of everything and made sure everyone in the entire fleet will know what he did. What he did _to her_."

Bill nodded, again confused.

"You're telling the entire fleet, in detail, exactly what Tom Zarek did to Kara Thrace. Things she can't even bear to face in her own memories, things that wake her screaming in the night, things that I don't even-" he trailed off, his face disgusted. "And you want the worlds to know. And that's what's best for Kara, is it?"

"Dr. Stoffa raised no objection to the trial," Bill defended.

"No? Did you even ask her? Did you tell her that you could just take his confession and execute him without it? Or does she think this is the only way for justice to be served? Does she think that things are just as they were back home and this will happen no matter what it does to Kara?"

Bill stared down at his hands, "What do you want from me, Lee?"

"What do I want? I want you to stop and think for just one minute what this will do to Kara, what this will be like for her now and in the weeks to come; what it will be like for her to come back to duty knowing that everyone knows exactly what that monster did to her. I want you to actually think about Kara, about private, closed-mouthed Kara who wouldn't tell you the time of day if she thought it would reveal something about her personal life, and tell me that you still think a public trial would be best for her."

Lee stared at his father, his heart and mind racing.

Bill sighed.

Lee turned on his heel and stormed out of the room before he had a chance to say anything.

"Frak me," the commander groaned as he dropped his head into his hands. He sat for a moment in thought before reaching for the handset.

*BREAK*BREAK*BREAK*

"Madame President," Billy's voice called her gently from sleep.

"Hmf- what is it?" Laura shook herself awake instantly, sitting up and blinking furiously.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you but Commander Adama is on the line and he says he needs to speak to you right away, he needs to speak with you before you announce the trial this morning." Bill looked down awkwardly, "I didn't tell him you were still asleep."

"Why? What time is it?"

"Almost ten o'clock," Billy admitted hesitantly.

"Billy! You were supposed to wake me hours ago," she cried, throwing off her bedclothes, causing her young assistant to look away, somewhat embarrassed to see the president in her nightgown.

"I know, and I'm sorry, I just- you looked so tired last night and there wasn't anything major on your agenda this morning so I thought you could use the sleep," he explained.

The president flipped through the modified schedule he handed her, "You might have been right, I may have needed the sleep and I appreciate your concern, but next time, ask me before rearranging my whole day, okay?"

Billy nodded apologetically, "Sure. I mean, of course I will."

"Good, now shoo so I can get dressed and tell the commander that I will be with him shortly."

"Yes Ma'am," Billy hurried to the door.

"And Billy?"

He paused in the doorway and looked back over his shoulder.

"Thank you, I did need the sleep."

He nodded self-consciously and smiled before ducking into the corridor.

Laura hustled around the room getting dressed but when she stopped to brush her hair she caught sight of her reflection in the small mirror. Despite the extra sleep and the fact that she did feel better she couldn't ignore the fact that she did look tired. And old. She looked at the pale skin, the dark circles under her eyes and sighed, there just wasn't enough time in the day to take care of herself and the entire fleet.

Her mind wandered back to the dream Billy's voice had pulled her from and for a moment she could feel the warm sunlight on her face and smell the fragrant flowers of her meadow. It was getting harder and harder for her to find her way through the woods to the meadow in these dreams, when she had them, but when she did, she woke feeling just as refreshed and revitalized as she ever had. The other dreams, the darker dreams full of fear and fury and pain, those dreams left her drained and irritable and she thanked the gods that last night had been the meadow, it sounded like today was already shaping up to be a doozy.

"All right now," she said to her reflection with a smirk, "let's just go see what's so damn important to the old man."

* * *

_A/N - thanks for reading - more to come soon, I hope! _


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